So the worst of the brain zaps, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, etc. is gone.
I still get these symptoms in waves out of nowhere.
A couple of symptoms persist.
One, brain fog. Fog isn't even a good word. My brain just stops operating in a normal fashion.
I could describe it best as a filing system, one that I can normally retrieve memories from, jokes, ideas...is just burned to the ground.
I've become so limited in my communication and analytical skills that it is scary.
Two, and the WORST, the ANGER, I feel like a simmering pot of boiling water many days, on the brink of burning someone I love.
I have worked so hard to have good relationships with my family, most importantly my daughters, and I hate so much how irritable and angry I have gotten at them. And in the moment I KNOW it's from this poison, but it's like I can only contain it so much. I'm like the Incredible Hulk in short blonde, female form. I'm so angry at myself too. I get breaks from this, some days I feel close to normal. But some days I feel like a complete bitch.
And I've been a mom for a long time. My kids are 12 and 15. I've always been able to have patience with them even when they disrespected me or messed up, b/c that's what kids do. I correct them, then give them abundant love as they make amends or what not.
Now I just can't stop being mad. It doesn't dissipate. I'm so afraid I'm going to permanently damage my girls. It's like when I get going on a lecture, say about grades, I CAN'T stop. I get sound so angry and mean, and grind home some assinine point. Over. and. Over.
The only thing that helps is isolating myself, and being quiet. Keeping the lid on tight, with enough space to prevent boiling over.
So that is my strategy for the most part.
Oh and I cussed my mom out several times. :-/
She can be really bossy and know it all in a major way, always one upping anything I do with her version, but that's her and I always look over it or subtly steer the convo away from it, if we ever disagree we work it out by being honest and move forward.
That was then. Now it has went something like this, "who the fuck do you think you are constantly implying that I'm stupid and incompetent? Do you not know I know what you're saying and much more? Do you feel the need to pretend you're better and smarter than every fucking one or just me? Are you just a narcissist or a selfish ass?".
Yeah. It's bad. That happened in a flash of rage like I have never felt in my life. My pulse was racing, heart pounding in my chest, breathing increased.
I LOATHE this.
Someone help me not screw my life up please. Being loving is the most important thing to me. I have meditated for YEARS. I am normally the opposite of this. Where almost nothing angers or irritates me. Being angry makes me feel gross and dirty, ESPECIALLY if I direct it at people who do not deserve it.
The looks my daughter has given me when I snapped at her haunt me. Ugh.
Help.
