I have had mental health problems from a very young age. Although from the outside my childhood must have looked perfect, I remember it as a long, As an adolescent I was (mis)diagnosed as bipolar and took a variety of medications, often switching between them after a short period of time, and never knowing if what I was taking was real or a placebo (my parents felt my reactions would be more accurate if I didn't know what I was taking).
In college I stopped taking all medication. I excelled academically but developed high anxiety and an eating disorder.
After college I married and had three children in quick succession. I spent those years mired in depression, sleep deprivation, and chronic stress.
Just over 6 years ago I went to a psychiatrist (no longer in practice) who prescribed cymbalta for "moderate depression and GAD". She never mentioned the possibility of serious side effects or withdrawal issues. After an initial weekend of horrible side effects that made me feel I was poisoning myself, those symptoms disappeared and it was an absolute wonder drug for about 3-4 years. I felt "normal" for the first time in my life.
Two years ago I started wondering if the cymbalta wasn't working as well as it had been. I started having some serious "breakthrough" depressive days and my anxiety increased tremendously. I blamed this on a really stressful work environment and hoped it would get better.
Last summer was a really terrible time, that included getting fired unjustly, losing my church community as a result, and having a family member diagnosed with terminal cancer all within a couple of weeks. On my psychiatrist's recommendation, I increased my dose of cymbalta to 90mg for 6 months. During that time I had a significant problem with a jittery, jumpy feeling, as well as frequent insomnia and restless sleep.
After the six months was up my psychiatrist agreed to let me go back to my old 60mg dose. I did that for three weeks and finally realized that I was feeling *horrible* and leaning towards suicidal. I did a lot of reading online and realized that I probably needed to reduce my dose more gently. I've spent the past 6 months working down from 90, to 80, to 70mg.
Unfortunately, I don't feel that it is working. I function, but I'm sad most of the time, slide into *totally overwhelmed* far too easily, yell at my kids a lot, and feel a pervasive sense of distance/detachment from my family, my kids, and the things I usually enjoy. Due to this, both my therapist and my psychiatrist wanted me to go back to 90mg, and I did for just two days, but responded with complete insomnia. I felt happy for a day, but I can't function without sleep!
I seem to be stuck between two bad options right now: higher dose and the inability to sleep, or the lower dose and a sad/distant/depressed fog. I wonder if I need to get off cymbalta entirely, or switch to an alternate medication? I wonder if either of those are even possible, given the speed of my slide towards suicide when I originally went from 90mg to 60mg last January. I feel out of my league in terms of what I can figure out on my own, and I don't have any confidence in my current psychiatrist to help with this. I'm a mother of four kids under age 11, so I have to figure this out.
If you're still reading, thanks so much. Any input or ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Emily
