Let start off by saying that my husband is the reason I am here so I am grateful for that.
That being said, I feel like I am finally as many times as I have said it in the past, broken. There I said it! I am literally broken down to the harshest core of my being. I have been off this horrible, nasty, devil made drug for 85 days if my calculations are correct because I went completely off on April 1st. So, 85 days and I feel worse now than I did when I was on it and I can't snap myself out of it.
I have good days and bad days, but the bad over powers the good right now. Since April 1st I have changed doctors to someone that is willing to help me get off this crap. He has put me on Buspar and Trintellix. Up until the past couple of weeks they seemed to helping a good bit. My husband said that for about 1 month I was doing really great, then "Cymbalta Girl" came back. I always dreamed of being a superhero but this is surely not the title I was hoping for.
My husband is a 14 years cold turkey sober recovering alcoholic. So, I know that he is well aware of what it's like to quit something cold turkey. But I can't help but feel that he doesn't quit relate to the cold turkey recovery process of Cymbalta. He is the one who brought me here to this website for support. He is the one who finally got me to see that I needed to be off the sinful drug. But I still feel like there is a part of it that he can't fully understand even though he went through the horror of quitting alcohol cold turkey.
Since quitting there has been more than one occasion where I wanted to turn a bottle of rum or whiskey upside down. Still to this I keep a bottle of whiskey in the freezer in the kitchen so I can take shot when stress gets too bad. I always thought that alcohol would end up being my vice instead of some stupid anti depression medicine. But now I find myself wanting to drink more and more. I don't do it more than normal but I find myself wanting to more and more all the time. My husband has told me that he will tell me if he ever thinks that it is becoming a problems.
My kids went Vacation Bible school a few weeks ago where the theme was "Submerged". I went to their little program and it was so refreshing to see them having so much fun. I used to have that much fun going to church but now I don't even go. But watching them I realized that I was "Submerged" but not by God and I think it's time that changed. So, I've been talking with my cousin about it because she is a member at that church. My estranged mother is also a member there which will make it difficult if I decide to go back. But I have been talking to her about how lost I feel. I have made a decision to start listening to Christian music at work and in the car when I'm alone. I have heard so, so many songs that have just spoken to me it's unreal how music speaks to you. What is really unreal it how much God can speak to you through music. One of my most favorites is "God's Not Dead" by the Newsboys. So, as I am talking to her about it I get closer and closer to wanting to go back to church. So, here is what she said to me yesterday:
"And honestly, when I look at you, I see a sad, unhappy person...you are not my Raven anymore, not sure who or what did it, probably a combination of things in your life and things that have happened, but God can definitely help you fix all of that and be happy again."
She's right I'm not the same person I used to be and I want to get back on the track to getting to be a better person again. So, I had decided that this Sunday I was going to take myself and the kids to church. Well, this weekend is one weekend away from 4th of July weekend which is at our house this year. My husband reminds me of this when he gets home from work. Later that evening I mention going to church on Sunday with the kids. At first all he says is okay, then a little later he say he guesses he will be at the house doing all the cleaning and getting ready for it by himself. I totally took that the wrong way. I took that as him telling me that he didn't want me to go, which he didn't want me to but not in general. He just felt it would be better if I waited until after the 4th of July to start going on a regular basis. We ended up in a argument over it and the big D was mentioned at one point. Not in as he wants one but as in certain things that cause it. I told him that I would just wait until after the 4th to start going again.
But, the thing is that he is worried that I will turn into someone that will want to spend every waking moment at the church. I have tried explaining to him that this won't happen. It's never been that way for me. I almost fell into that trap once and I won't do it again. Please don't get me wrong, being really active in your church is not a bad thing, it's just not my thing. I am someone who like to go to worship and feel God's power and get on with my day. I do firmly believe that you can worship God without even going to church but I also feel that going to worship services does help you.
So, here I am a broken women wanting to do something to fix my life but knowing where to start. Thank you all for listening/reading.