1191 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Was I ever 40? I don't remember.

 

Again - that'll be the Cymbalta. It's withdrawal even works in retrospect before you have even taken it... LOL

[invalidusername]

MX - I know you will have heard this before, but it is just a number and just a date. Time does not really exist. It is something that is created for us earth-bound folk. You can choose to have a birthday-day anytime... don't put the emphasis on it - this is purely controlled by societal pressures.

 

Chin up my friend. Take courage - you've done well thus far. Onwards and upwards.

[frog]

Happy birthday MXPro! My withdrawals hit overdrive just a few weeks after my last birthday so this year for my birthday I'll be celebrating 1 year off. Hopefully while feeling super well. Maybe somewhere tropical. 

[Lovey]

Oh Mxpro!!! I am so happy I checked on this thread! Happy Birthday!! Yes, birthdays can be difficult milestones. Especially the decade markers. And with the anniversary of significant losses of 2 family members at the same time too. But it beats the alternative of not having made it to your 40th birthday right? Place good things in your mind and meditate on these if you can at all. Put on great music, maybe even dance a little. Buy yourself some balloons! These are small ways I try to shake off the blues. Or grays. Or the utter darkness.... Tell me, what are you and your daughter going to plant in your garden you built? How big is it? Love, Lovey

[Mxpro32]

Thanks. I'm having the hardest time keeping a happy face for the kids. I just feel like bawling. This coronavirus debacle has me worried too. Everything feels scary and crappy. I'm super depressed with a side of anxiety. We are having a big friend party tomorrow with no kids. It sucks that I feel like it's going to be hell instead of fun. This feels as bad as it did months ago when parties were agony. My daughter loves birthdays so I took her and my son to buy a cake and balloons so she can have a party too. The garden is 4x8 feet. First garden but I think we are doing asparagus, zucchini, squash, carrots, lettuce, and not sure what else.

[Lovey]

I am sorry you are feeling poorly. Crying is a perfectly good and healthy response to how you are feeling. A great release and you may even feel some relief after.

It is so sweet you are making a party for your kids to enjoy!

I am praying these feelings pass. I don't know if you are a believer, a Christian, but asking God for his divine hold and guidance, and peace for you. Yes this coronavirus is causing fear for many of us. But if we keep our eyes on Him, on positive things, we will not sink, but we will prosper.

My garden is just about that size too. My first as well. I'm going with carrots, broccoli, garlic sweet potatoes, basil, onions and lettuces. It might be a little crowded! I may work out another patch to place to potatoes.

One day at a time. This too shall pass.

[Mxpro32]

It's hard cause I don't want to cry in front of the kids, at least not like this where they wouldn't understand. Thanks for the prayers. I'm not religious but I appreciate the thought, and who knows. I don't know everything

[Lovey]

Yes I understand. I was a full time nanny for many years and had to go cry in the bathroom from time to time....

[Mxpro32]

I took half a dose last night and I woke up depressed and hopeless, but my mood is getting pretty decent now. Pretty sure me and Klonopin don't mix well.

[fishinghat]

Sounds like you are right.

[Lovey]

Hi mx and FHat. thinking of you. Prayers and good things for you!!

[fishinghat]

Thanks, Best wishes to you as well Lovey.

[Mxpro32]

I may have to suspend or slow the taper way down. Last night on half a dose, I was having severe panic attacks all night that scared the crap out of me. I also didn't have my trazadone for sleep, so not sure how that factors in. I took a quarter tab of Klonopin at 3 when I was freaking out, then another quarter a couple hours later. I don't know if I can power through this. Last night was scary and aweful. Not sure I was making progress before I started weening either. I don't know what to do. All of the unknowns surrounding the coronavirus seem to be feeding it. Both of my kids schools closed for a month.

There is way too much stress and uncertainty to deal with this right now. I'm going to put it off until things stabilize

[fishinghat]

I understand and agree. One thing at a time. It may have been due to not taking your trazadone though.

[Mxpro32]

Ya, I'm sure that didn't help. Now you have me second guessing again, lol

[frog]

I've been stressed at work this week (+coronavirus +worrying about my grandma who had surgery) and Thursday I had a mini panic attack at work. It came and went fairly quickly thankfully but it totally caught me off guard. I haven't had anything like that in close to a month now. Friday mid-day I started feeling it rise up once again but it didn't actually turn into a panic attack that time thankfully. In the evenings I've been fine and today I'm at home and doing fine, so it was totally stress related. Definitely don't underestimate how much stress can overwhelm our systems right now! I don't take any benzos or any ADs. I did take my last Cymbalta bead on Monday so that may have played a very very small role, but I truly think it was more the stress I've been under. 

[Mxpro32]

Yeah. It could just be regular stress intolerance and lots of stress and uncertainty. I've also stopped working on mindfulness and acceptance. I've been fighting against anxiety and that makes it stronger. If you act like it is something dangerous and to be feared, your mind reacts accordingly. When I face into the negative emotions and lean into them it diminishes their power to an extent. Exposure therapy in a way. I tried this today when anxiety was building, and the anxiety is still there, but my fear of it has diminished and I feel more empowered instead of out of control and scared. Basically, I'm trying to stop expecting it to be easy, and stop expecting to just feel good. This is probably the most important transformation of my life. It's going to take pain, patience, acceptance, and some courage to recover from this.

[invalidusername]

Sorry to hear of your week Frog - take solace if you can that the world is not doing anyone any favours at the moment. People who have never experienced anxiety before are having it for the first time as a result of coronavirus - all over the world. What MX said is spot on about how to approach these things, but the problem is, when people like Dr Claire Weekes wrote her book telling people to go outside to the post office etc, she didn't anticipate the likes of a worldwide epidemic!!

 

I will be perfectly honest in saying that my anxiety has been up and down this week because of it and last night/this morning I can feel a bit of depression looming underneath. I need to just let it be knowing that it is all related to the stresses just like you mentioned.

 

My thoughts are with you, both Frog and MX. Lets keep it together and keep going. Its going to be tough with present situations, but like everything else, it will pass.

[Mxpro32]

Well, I tried 3/4 dose last night and woke up at 3:45. Was able to go back to sleep but woke up with some pretty antsy anxiety, but the depression isn't really there. I'm thinking I'm going to have to go pretty slow with this, but I want it out cause I don't like the depression it's causing. If I stay at 3/4 dose, can I expect the anxiety to slowly subside until I drop the dose again?

[fishinghat]

I would expect so and the anxiety shouldn't last long.

[Mxpro32]

Ok. Good to know. It's bad but not intolerable yet. It's nice not to spend the first half of my day depressed too.

Can you recommend a scale for more precise tapering?

[fishinghat]

This is what others have used.

What scales others used

https://www.amazon.c...ds=microscales
Gemini 20 American Weigh scale from Amazon
American Weigh Gemini 20 scale from Amazon for about $20

​https://www.amazon.c...scalemilligram
Gemini-20 Portable Milligram Scale AWS.
The Gemini-20 Portable Milligram Scale (referenced above) weights in increments of 0.001 mg BUT will only ne accurate above 0.15 mg. Insufficient for weighing beads.

Fast Weigh MS-500-BLK Digital Pocket Scale, 500 by 0.1 G
The MS-500 is no longer sold and the MS-600 only weighs in increments of 100 mg and would be insufficient.

the brand is j-scale and the model is JS-VG)
This scale reads in 2 mg increments and is not accure enough for just a few beads.

[Mxpro32]

So the gemini 20 would work? Nevermind. Will any work?

[fishinghat]

I think so. Most worked quite well in weighting beads down to 2 or 3 beads so that is a very small weight. It should work well.

[invalidusername]

Page 381 onwards in the current version of the eBook says everything you need to know

[Mxpro32]

I would expect so and the anxiety shouldn't last long.

In your "time and patience" mode, does "shouldn't last long" mean days, weeks or months? Lol

 

also an interesting development.  since I've been tapering the klonopin, I'm having a lot of dreams.  I wasn't remembering any dreams before.  you guys were saying it blocks rem sleep.  I read that when you stop taking it, you get rebound rem sleep and dream more.  this has been my experience.  my anxiety has been very manageable today.  I just wake up very antsy/restless/anxious on the lower dose.  

[fishinghat]

For most it is just a couple 3 weeks.

 

Your last paragraph is entirely accurate. Very good sign as I assume they are not nightmares. For me that always indicated I wouldn't have to wait too long for recovery.

[frog]

Oooh so interesting. With my current group of meds I don't dream almost at all (or at least I don't generally remember dreaming when I wake up) with the exception of when I don't sleep well and have anxious dreams that wake me up. I wonder if that indicates that I'm also rarely having REM sleep. I've read that beta blockers can have a negative impact on sleep and cause insomnia and I'm sure Seroquel doesn't promote super healthy sleep either. Man I'm going to be glad when I'm done with all these meds. I have a gut feeling that some of the side effects I'm still experiencing aren't related so much to recovery as they are being caused by what I'm still taking. 

[Mxpro32]

I have a gut feeling that some of the side effects I'm still experiencing aren't related so much to recovery as they are being caused by what I'm still taking.

I think the cymbalta withdrawal is still screwing with me, but I'm pretty positive the Klonopin is adding issues. I had to file some paperwork with the state so I'm pretty anxious right now. Not sure if it's worse from the Klonopin withdrawal but it feels like it. Still tolerable though.

I'm not having nightmares, and my antsy anxious squirming was less when I woke up this morning. How long should I hold at 3/4 dose? 2 weeks?

My counselor wants to do phone sessions during the virus. I think it's going to be weird and impersonal.

[fishinghat]

Frog

"I wonder if that indicates that I'm also rarely having REM sleep"

Yes it does.