Thank you both yet again. So much of what you say makes perfect sense. Now to answer some questions and give you a tad bit more background.
To start...therapy isn't an option. I spent most of my childhood and a very large part of my adult life in therapy. I started therapy at age 6 when I started cutting myself with broken glass and any other sharp objects I could find at that age. Therapy never helped and in most cases only made me more angry. I was institutionalized several times as a teen and pre-teen because of violence and suicide attempts. Valid attempts. Not cries for help. While I still struggle I have come a VERY long way. I am close to 42 years old now and most people would never know what lurks beneath the surface. Anyone who has met me would never guess that I have a propensity for violence. I would love nothing more than to get rid of all the anger in me. I know where it comes from and I know what fuels it...but I can't get rid of it. As of now...I have much to be thankful for. And I am. However I feel that I shouldn't still be fighting these demons. I am truly happy. I live in a stunning home. I have a wonderful relationship with my best friend from Jr. High. I have my Daughter back after 9 long years of fighting for her. She was my salvation and when she was taken from me by my very vindictive ex, my world spiraled out of control again. I have never boasted of the things I've accomplished in life except for the fact that I was a very good Mother. She was my world. She IS my world. However...my past was used against me to fuel the already inflated ego of a horrible and tyrannical farce of a man. But I digress...I do not understand why at this stage in my life I am still so angry. I always considered myself strong enough to overcome anything. Success in this department still eludes me.
To answer your question about my job. I love my job. I have a degree in law, a degree as a Vet Tech and a degree as a photographer. On top of that I am a baker, an artist, a writer and a musician. I also do various volunteer work for animal conservancies and shelters. That being said...I work for less than $10 an hour for a local Pet Store chain. Why? I enjoy it. I love being able to pass along my knowledge to other animal lovers. I have been with the company just a hair over a year and I have been promoted more times than any previous employee to date. I plan on going as high as I can and quite honestly...after doing so I will probably move on and find another job to conquer. It's just what I do and how I've accumulated knowledge in so many areas. I don't have to work. I chose to. I have to stay busy. I have to constantly be stimulated. I drive most people insane because I rarely stop moving. As I sit here typing and have both legs bouncing. I never stop moving. Not even in my sleep. My boyfriend has learned to adjust to it over time and is now able to shut it out unless I become to violent in my sleep. At which point he will wake me up gently as ask who I'm fighting with. I tell him briefly and fall back asleep with him hugging me. As I said...I am very lucky. It hasn't always been that way but now that it is I never take it for granted.
So...on to my progress report. Day...ummm...14? I've lost track.
Yesterday I lost complete vision in my right eye. It came back after what seemed like an eternity. Throughout the day it dimmed and brightened sporadically. The brain zaps have either decreased in intensity of I have become used to them. The eating though...is out of control. While I am indulging now...I know it must end very soon or I will suffer with excessive weight gain. An eating disorder is not something I need on top of everything else.
I'm still taking my supplements. Only thing I've noticed is that my skin, hair and nails are fabulous. Other than that I don't know if there has been much benefit. My heart still does some strange things. It can be very frightening at times but when it happens I just try to stop moving and calm myself.
That's all I can think of to report at this moment. I will keep you updated and again...I can not thank you enough for the support and understanding.