I’ve had a really bad few days and many apologies in advance because this will probably be a long rant ….
Right now, I want to hurt one of my dogs. He will not stop whining. I put him outside, he still whines or barks or aggravates the living sh*t out of my poor other dog or starts destroying things. Just now, I couldn’t figure out by the noise what he could possibly be destroying outside. I get out there and he as pulled an entire bottom piece of the vinyl siding off of the house. This is while I’m still dealing with the after effects/actions of my intense RAGE this weekend.
I will try to cut this down as much as possible but this is the only place where I can get it off my chest and know for sure that I am understood.
I had always been known as being and often told over and over again that I am, too nice. I was the person that takes care of everyone else (financially, emotionally, you name it and I was there to help). Avoided conflict at all costs and always found a better way to express disappointment, anger, etc. Rarely lost it and even when I did, it was during PMS time and nothing compared to this. Didn’t really love working out but did it faithfully to keep in shape. Never really “loved” my job but still a good, hard-working employee for all those years. Always independent, etc. etc. etc. I don’t know who I am anymore and if I have one more dream about the way I was--long, thick curly hair (that I always preferred straightening hahaha), thin, happy to be alive, romantic, energetic, etc. etc. etc. and wake up to see 2/3 of my hair still gone, fat, feeling like blah, I fear that I will lose it for good!
Each day, I wake up and think that today is the day that I will work out again, finish cleaning the house, LEAVE the house and most days, it doesn’t happen. Well, Friday (5/9) I woke up and felt alive for the first time in years. I had no nausea/dizziness/vertigo and tons of energy. I went nonstop until about 3:00 when I realized that I hadn’t eaten lunch or anything since 8:00. I sat down to eat and exhaustion hit. I took a nap and actually woke up refreshed this time. I cleaned again for a few hours. You would think that all day meant that I cleaned the entire house but as I hadn’t really cleaned anything in months, I only cleaned the dining room and bathroom – hahahhaha! But, both rooms were deep-cleaned and not just picked up so it was an accomplishment. I was having my parents over the next day for my mother’s b-day so even though my mother knows what I’ve been going thru, I still really wanted the house to be clean. All week when I couldn’t do anything, I told my hubby and daughter that if I couldn’t get it done, I would need their help on Saturday. Excuse me for a moment, I have to go kill my dog!
I had planned to wake up early Saturday and finish everything which I would have plenty of time for because even if I wasn’t feeling great, they would help me. I woke up and everything was bad again--the vertigo being the worst it’s been.
I announced that I was definitely not going to be able to do this by myself and need help. I sat down to eat some cereal hoping that filling my stomach would somehow help but of course, you all know that it didn’t. Hubby ran out to the store at about 9:30 or so and at about 11:30, my daughter finally wakes up and says she’ll be right back. I’m walking into things, dropping things but still forcing myself to keep going. Next thing you know, it’s 1:30, I’m still alone and dinner is at 2:00. I had managed to get most cleaning done and get some of the food in the oven but the kitchen was a nightmare. I completely lost it. My poor daughter was the first to walk through the door and we had a screaming match like you’ve never seen/heard. Don’t get me wrong, I had absolutely every right to be angry with both of them but this raving lunatic was not me.
Then, came the uncontrollable sobbing, hyperventilating, chest hurting so bad I thought my heart would pop out. My poor daughter tried to hug me and kept telling me how to breathe and take sips of water but I kept screaming “we don’t have time, please just help me clean!!!!” We managed to get rid of most of the clutter (by moving it into the spare room and shutting the door) but it still wasn’t clean by my standards so I was getting worse by the second. I was shaking uncontrollably, sobbing but still going and going like the energizer bunny. I notice it is 1:55 and the fact that they are usually early or on time and rarely ever late, puts me into a panic attack like I’ve only read about. Clearly, if they walk in the door now, it’s the end of the world! Honest to God, will someone PLEASE come shut my dog up so that I can finish a flipping thought and get this off my chest!!!??!!!!
Of course, I hear the front door open a few minutes later and it’s still not hubby so run sobbing into my bedroom. I can’t find her b-day/mother’s day gifts or cards that I bought months ago. I’m still in my pajamas, my hair is a mess, haven’t brushed my teeth yet and the KITCHEN IS A MESS! I fall to the floor and cry so hard and loud that I’m still surprised that the neighbors didn’t call the police. Meanwhile, my hubby still isn’t home and I notice a text that he sent at 1:33 -- he’s sorry that he lost track of time and will get home asap. Here comes the RAGE! I think to myself that I absolutely can’t leave my room feeling like this but I hear my mother talking to my daughter and I somehow manage to make myself stop sobbing. I go out and apologize, explain a little bit of the day I’ve had and get a big hug and “no one really knows what you are going thru and how bad it really is but you. They just don’t understand but I am here if you need me. Just keep hugging me until you feel better.” I hugged and cried for a long time. I’m 47 years old and I still need a hug from my mother to make me feel better! 
Hubby runs in and starts vacuuming and then, washing the floors. The only things I really needed him to do but at this point, it’s too late because they are already here! I keep telling him that but he keeps doing it which starts to really piss me off! I manage to make it thru the day with only a couple of more tears and pushing the rage back any time it starts to come up. I never managed to get dressed but did brush my teeth but whatever. My parents leave. I think I’m fine and it’s over but this is nothing compared to what was to come. I won’t go into more detail as this is much longer than I planned but the imminent RAGE was so severe my heart was pounding so hard, I swear you could see it – there was screaming or rather, screeching, throwing things, slamming doors, more screeching, more throwing things until I ran out of the house before I killed someone but not before screaming “The one time in my life that I’ve needed YOU to be here for ME and I’ve told you both over and over all week that I need you, I have NEVER felt so [bleeping] alone in my entire life!”.
I drove just around the corner to an empty parking lot as I was really too dizzy to be driving at all and lost it. I stayed there for a while talking on the phone to my parents until my bladder couldn’t take it anymore and had to go home. I thought I would be okay if I just went right into my room and avoided them but my daughter came in to check on me and tell me she’s worried about me and that ended in another screaming match. Lucky for her, she didn’t come back in again. I went down to take care of my poor bunnies that I’d neglected all day and then, came the depression, hopelessness, wanting to die. I actually thought about killing my bunnies so they would be with me and then, myself. What a horrible thought but in the end, that thought actually saved me because I could never imagine hurting them and like I’ve said before, I could never leave them. They are my calm if that makes any sense. I spent some extra QT with them and went up to my bedroom and finally decided to take an Ativan and was sleeping within minutes.
Next day (Mother’s Day) and still now, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, GUILT especially after getting wonderful gifts and cards with words that definitely didn’t describe the person I was the day before! I still believe I had every right to be angry but my actions and words were just, well, I don’t even have the words to describe. With the exception of an hour or so here and there, I basically slept all day/night yesterday (luckily, slept thru most of the Bruins losing 4-0 last night – hahahaha!). I hope that this never happens to me again but from what I’ve read on here, it probably will.
If I do feel this coming on again and right now, it feels like it--especially if this bleeping dog doesn’t stop, should I just beat it before it begins and take an Ativan? I don’t want to have to rely on something else but I really don’t want to end up on the news for strangling my dog or worse and regardless of how bad I feel, I do want to make it thru this so that I can at least see if the real me will be back again, you know?
Thanks for letting me rant and any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!
