FN and TM
some very asute comments. Thankyou. I'll have to process them slowly - as my brain is totally addled.
I guess I felt that I had very much gotten 'IN' and now I'm life-winded.
FN the comments you made about love resonated - the client that kept assaulting me did so because I was the staff member he trusted the most and so he would turn to me when he was distressed and out of control- and understanding this, I kept verbally reporting what had happend but only made a formal complaint twice - the real problem was that we were staffed at a ratio of 4 workers to 45 clients with complex behaviours. most staff are women, most clients male, many on the autism spectrum.
(Ive connected with other staff members who had experienced this - 2 of which tried to take legal action and they said they wouldnt recommend it as it deepened their anxiety and they came away with nothing. )
The eerie thing about working in that environment was that is resembled growing up with a parent with a mental illness - I never knew when my mother would turn, never knew what to expect day to day. She would go from being my beloved mum to someone in a dark room, her face covered in sticky tape because she feared gravity and venting hostility and spleen.
The only thing that pulled her out of this state was my 'achievements' and ability to make her laugh. If I lapsed under pressure I was told I didnt deserve my gifts, that they should have gone to someone of 'stronger character'.
I did my job in that heightened state of witt and compassion til I literally broke my back teeth.
Right now I feel Ive monumentally lapsed under pressure - and failed everyone.