2348 replies to this topic

[fishinghat]

Gail

 

Mist drs here will change your antibiotics if it causes diarrhea and vomiting. I assume you are not taking any probiotics while on an antibiotic.

[gail]

Fishinghat, no probiotics. Will see today how goes. I have 3 pills left. Thanks for your concern!

[invalidusername]

I am under strict orders to be taking it easy this weekend by the rest of the CW crew, so this will be a quickie for this evening! They are right, of course, and if you look at NM's thread you will see all about it. Bottom line is that I have not been taking time out properly and I have really had enoough of all these head issues and it is really impacting on my anxiety now. 

 

I can of course see your perspective for the Ketamine and support you 100%. I know this would have been given plenty of consideration. But man, what a ride to go thru!

 

Glad the depression has lifted a bit today - and fantastic job going into the shop - bit of self-driven expposure again. Great that you can bring this about yourself.

 

Thanks ever so for the ongoing prayers as I am in a bit of a state. 11 more day until I see the p-doc again. Really hope there will be something worthwhile there - but at least I will have plenty to tell him.

 

Sorry that it is a short one, but as I said, I need to keep thoughts to a minimum for this evening - worried that it might impact on sleep too. Would be the icing on the cake! Here's hoping that you have some more relief over the weekend as you did yesterday. I am truly glad you had this time after all you have gone through. And thanks for your kind words about my "heroism". I think I lost a bit of that title today, but all the guys here - yourself included - have been looking after me. Plenty more heros, angels and guides here for sure. Don't know where I would be without y'all...

 

Sending love and light.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man read the thread and agree 100% with all they say! Listen never feel you have to reply to me the next day, I won't mind if you want a few days off! So please feel no pressure ever ok!! Please promise me this!!! All I want is you to get better!! Sometimes you just need to chill and let go and forget about all this rubbish. Just have a bath, read, watch a film, just let go and give your mind a rest! So please if you don't respond for a few days I will de delighted knowing your giving yourself a little rest!! 

 

As I say wonderful and wise advise from NM, fishinghat and gail. Sorry I could be there, but thankfully I wouldn't have had much more to add to these wonderful wise souls on here!! 

 

That good that your seeing the p doc. I would stress to him your need for therapy and maybe he can put some pressure on! Also will be praying that your mum can get a breakthrough. GO IUN MUM!!

 

So just chill and know that I will be praying for you! And also sending lots of love brother! 

 

So go and have some real ME time. Show yourself some self-compassion. 

 

All I want is you well man, so we'll speak when ever your up to it. Never feel bad for being short. 

 

Nothing you will ever do will make you not a HERO in my eyes. Simple as that. One of the greatest and bravest people I've met. Ever. Remember that self-compassion!

 

Love you so much man

 

I will be praying!!!

God Bless

[LDN]

My Gail, 

 

Sorry about this morning! Ah man that sounds annoying! Ah stupid antibiotic! Thankfully it's only for a few days! 

 

I just don't know how you do it gail, you are so so strong and yet so brave but always with so much LOVE! You are one of a kind, a special special soul!

 

So I just looked up the chapel at Beauvoir, O WOW!! So beautiful! I had a look on google maps, it has a beautiful view as well. Just been having a good look at it, seems really wonderful. It has a lovely statue of Jesus. And it has an outdoor chapel as well!!

 

Is this the chapel you went in - 

 

https://www.google.c...04rTFlMa7em_bM:

 

NEVER NEVER feel sorry for being vulnerable and sensitive. Those are good things. I am very vulnerable and sensitive as well, soooo sensitive!!! It gives us our bond!!! You always just be 100% you. I will accept you ALWAYS. 

 

On the prayers remember when Jesus said that God already knows what your going to say  -

 

'your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him!' (Matthew 6:8)

 

This is from the sermon on the mount, which you know I love. I think the main thing is to show Love, I think if you do this then everything is good. The other thing Jesus says on the sermon on the mount is don't show off your praying, so don't do it just to look holy, but actually not really care. Other than that, however you pray, the main thing is simply that you are showing love to others and to God. I myself struggle with what exact words to think. But God understands us more than we do ourselves. The intention is what matters, not how you do it. I personally strongly believe this, but it just my opinion. Also there is the Lord's Prayer which Jesus said on the Sermon on the Mount. Also Jesus says - 

 

7 “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

 

9 “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? 10 Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! 11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. (Matthew 7:7-9)

Remember the saying that NM and I like - 'Be still and know that I am God'. Just be there with God. As I say it is the intention that matters. So do you have love in your heart then, yes? Then all is good. Prayer isn't an exam but simply LOVE. 

 

Ok and one last thing. Look what John says about LOVE - 

 

'God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.' (1 John 4:16) 

How about that then? One of my favourite bits in the Bible. Beautiful!

And remember I told you of St  Augustine  - 'Love, and do what you will'. 

I hope this helps. This is simply my opinion. Just trying to help!!

Anyway so happy for your wonderful trip to Beauvoir!!

I love you

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[fishinghat]

Fantastic, fantastic and fantastic post. I fully agree.

[gail]

My dear London,

Yes, what a wonderful post! Enlightening! Yes, this is the chapel, it's much smaller than it seems. You see Jesus on the cross, he's a smiling Jesus, every time I looked up, he was smiling at me, that made me smile. A lovely moment, I was alone also. Just being there, no thoughts, I just regret not staying any longer. A moment to remember.

My brain is rather empty at the moment, I'm sorry. But, as always, I'll be back !ater and edit this post. Love you London, I need to read over and over your post. So young you always have an answer ready for me. Fishinghat helped a lot in his answer also. Thanks you two, love!

I'm back, almost 3pm, after a much desired nap.

I've been reading you and Fishinghat pm. Taking notes, crying like mad all along. Its a crying day. Reading my notes from since the beginning of our special bond. Bible quotes, London's quotes, some from NM and Scrat. So happy to have taken the time to write what I found enlightening. So in bad times, I have something to hold to. To comfort me.

Trying to get a lift for the post office, I will know tomorrow. I sold my cute car to a friend last year. I could no longer drive because of depression and anxiety. It cost a lot today to have a car. Insurance, plates, permit, CAA, plus gas and repairs. All that made me nervous, I barely used it. And I sure don't miss it! It looked like a police car.

Who was the person JOHN 16.20 REFERRING TO WHEN HE SAID \VERY TRULY, I TELL YOU, YOU WILL WEEP AND MOURN WHILE THE WORLD REJOICES. YOU WILL GRIEVE, BUT YOUR GRIEF WILL TURN INTO JOY/ I feel that this was meant for myself actually.
Fishinghat, if you see this, you might give me an answer. Thank you. How I love you two guys!

How I wish that I was educated into spirituality from birth to now. And Bible reading from 5 years old to today. We went to mass on Sundays, we said our prayers kneeling down in front of our beds. In our time, we needed to be 3 hours without eating before mass. At times I went alone and once lost conscience while on my way back. I had braces at the time, every thing was loose. Fell flat on my face.

Yes, I so wish that! At least I had mass and prayers. I've just started to read the Bible in the last 6 months. I enjoy it when I can understand it! The Bible was not part of my growing up, sadly.

That will be enough for today London, thank you so much for being there for me!
AMOUR AMOUR AND AMOUR AND LOVAGE. Hello Scrattage!

Edited by gail, 09 June 2019 - 02:39 PM.

[LDN]

Hello Gail, 

 

So happy about your beautiful moment at the chapel! It does look so stunning in the pictures, and Jesus smiled at you - he is always smiling at you, he loves you!! 

 

My background was very Catholic, as I told you before. I was at a monastery school, so was taught religion by the monks. When I left I stopped reading the Bible but recently I got very big into spirituality again. Having a break was good, because now I see it with fresh eyes. I am lucky both my mum and dad are very Catholic, so we talk a lot about the Bible together and have debates about it. My mum goes to church a lot of mornings. As I live in London there of course a lot of beautiful churches. Like Westminster cathedral, which I went to with my therapist. I did religion as a subject at school as well, was one of my best subjects. But the bible really came to life for me when I was ill, then I really got it's true meaning. Especially Jesus, as he loved the sick and poor so much. 

 

JOHN 16.20 REFERRING TO WHEN HE SAID \VERY TRULY, I TELL YOU, YOU WILL WEEP AND MOURN WHILE THE WORLD REJOICES. YOU WILL GRIEVE, BUT YOUR GRIEF WILL TURN INTO JOY/

 

Ok so this was when Jesus was talking to the disciples before he was crucified. So he was telling them that while people celebrate his death, they will of course be so sad. But because Jesus knows that he will rise again, he knows that the sadness of the disciples will turn to joy that he is back, he is risen. This is the full passage below and you will see what I mean - 

 

19 Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? 20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (John 16:19-22)

 

Jesus was talking to the disciples but also he was talking to all of us. All of our sadness will be turned to joy if we show love others and God. If we are good people we will be like disciples. In this life we must suffer, but this suffering is not forever, it will be turned into the most wonderful joy. Throughout the Bible Jesus promises us that we will be end up in joy but must suffer first. Just like the disciples, just like Jesus himself. 

 

'In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.' (John 16:33)

 

Suffering is part of life. It is part of the journey God has sent us on. Jesus says this. So in suffering we shouldn't fear, in fact the opposite in suffering we are fulfilling the words of Jesus. If we were always happy would the words of Jesus make sense? Just as Jesus had his crown of thorns, was whipped, had to carry his cross and then was crucified - we all have our own suffering in our journey. This where the phrase 'we all have our crosses to bear' comes from. Do I understand why we must suffer? No not really, but I do know Jesus suffered and it was something Jesus spoke about. This is why those of us who suffer actually are drawn closer to Jesus. If you have never suffered how can you understand what Jesus went through? How can you empathise? If Jesus, the son of God, was worthy of suffering, then surely we are blessed to be sharing in suffering with Christ. As i say I don't truly understand why we must suffer, but if it brings us closer to Christ is that not a good reason? Seeing as getting closer to God is the meaning of life, then is not suffering maybe a secret blessing? It hurts so much but in the long term we have that bond with christ, we can share in his pain and understand the lengths he went for us. 

 

 'The pain that you are feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming' (Romans 8:18)  

 

This is from St Paul he understood Jesus' words. St Paul was beheaded for preaching the word of Christ. He suffered for Christ because he knew that we must suffer as part of our journey. 

 

It is important that Jesus wasn't just talking to the disciples with his words. So yes gail those words are definitely applicable to you!! Jesus was talking to all of us, everybody is welcome to the words of Jesus. This is why he said 'My Father's house has many rooms'  - 

 

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me.2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” (John 14:1-4)

 

Of course gail this all just simply my opinion, but since you asked I just gave you what I make of the words of Jesus you asked about. 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

Hello my sweet London,

WHAT a post here. You did a swell job at explaining verses. It needs to be read a few times.

In a period of great suffering, I understood what was meant / MY GRACE IS ENOUGH FOR YOU..../

Feels strange to not seeing our friend Scrat.

I'm not having a good day today. Depression hit again earlier. My nap is coming right after I finish my post. Finally, a trip to the Post office, set for Wednesday afternoon. At long last.

No cupcakes today, I don't have the energy and it's too hot! Talking about suffering, how I wish that I could live my last moments in peace. Is that too much to ask? Nausea just hit, I will need to come back later. Love love amour.

I had the best siesta, that was so good. Guess how hot it is in the house?
32 Celsius of about 95 Farenheight. Man, I can hardly think, seriously.

Looking for elastics to tie my mini poney tail. Two inches long. With hair so thick, the heat is terrible in my neck.

How was your day love? Let's hope better than mine. If I'm right, there is a song with Winchester Cathedral in it. You remember?

Sorry about this short post, as I said, I can barely think.

Love you to Jupiter and back. LOVE LOVE AMOUR TOUJOURS!

[LDN]

Hello and bonjour my sweet, 

 

Oh wow HOT!! Did you go out on the balcony to chill?

 

And in London - so much rain all day!! When i went on my walk I got soaked lol! 

 

Sorry for the depression and nausea! That hurts! Hopefully it is brief! 

 

My day was pain, mental pain i'm sorry to say my dear. I'm a struggling. 

 

But as you say MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU

 

I not sure about the song on winchester cathedral, will ask my mum and dad. 

 

Let's pray for a better day tomorrow for us both then!!! 

 

I will be holding your hand tonight!! 

 

MON ANGE POR TOUJOURS 

 

AMOUR AMOUR AMOUR

[gail]

Sweet London,

No chilling outside, it's the same temperature! I'm hiding behind my fan. It helps a lot.

Ah that depression, it let's go briefly only to come back. Depression is in love with us, I don't return its feeling. I hope it clears up today for both of us. Just like I hope that our friend IUN is doing better. I miss him, he needs time for himself.

A love hate relationship. I'm beginning to accept it as being part of my lifestyle, slowly beginning. Naps help a lot here. I've lost a lot but gained a lot. I no longer life food except for fruits and a few other things. I can thank God that I still take care of myself.
It could be much worse.

I got up at 4 am, pain in my arm. I love getting up this early just to go back around 6/7 am.
My head is clearer and I don't feel anxiety nor depression at this time. I make coffee, have four sips and then nausea sets in, water melon to the rescue. Not so long ago, I drank coffee as it were going out of style!

I need to cut a bit of my hair, the heat and thick hair don't do well together. Since I'm feeling ok, I will now do it.

All my love to you my sweet friend, I will light your candle and also Scrat s one.
Will come back later, as usual. Te quero London!

I have just a few minutes till the social worker arrives. And I have nothing for her, you remember that I wrote my spiritual questions. And we would discuss that for all the hour. But surely something will come up. I hope!

Cutting my hair demanded a lot. I can't cut the back, my right arm doesn't want me to. It will be ok. I need to buy elastic for that back part.

Oh how fatiged I am,even after a nap. I'm just real thirsty, the more I drink the more swollen I am. No hunger, just thirst. Maybe later.

That's all for today folks, hasta. Hasta mañana, I love you London, don't forget this!

[gail]

London, I have to tell you this. When the social worker left, I feel asleep in my desk chair, woke up, straighten my self up, only to fall asleep again. Then I hit the sack!

Never has this ever happened to me! Quite fascinating!

[LDN]

OH MAN Gail this depression LOVES ME SOOOOOO MUCH!!!! IT REALLY HAS BECOME OBSESSED WITH ME!! IT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE!! LOL!!!!!

 

You can only laugh otherwise I would cry. 

 

But my ego is struggling with the depression. A lot. In the long term this is good, but right now it is very confusing situation. my brain is very very confused. I feel like a dream. 

 

The loneliness cuts hard as I said. It cuts real hard!!! 

 

Oh man yeah that fan must be lovely, of course it must be boiling outside!!! 

 

So you have a new haircut NICE!!! 

 

What wonderful words of wisdom, in all your problems and you say 'it could be worse'. WOW!! You are too incredible gail, how can you have so much love and be so brave??? What a special special person. You are what LOVE looks like! YOU ARE WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE!!!!!!!! i HAVE AN ANGEL IN MY MIDST!!

 

wow those are such beautiful brave words. Sensational. I have run out of words to say, but I am in awe of you. Truly. Thank you for blessing me. 

 

I love sleep. I have one siesta a day for 2 hours, it is good, I need it!!! I can imagine you enjoying all your siestas!! Sleep opens up a beautiful world, I can escape my sick body and explore the world. What would I do without it! 

 

I feel very low on confidence today. I don't know why. Just feel useless and pathetic. Very low self esteem. Struggling to see my purpose or why I am here? 

 

Thank you for listening. Sorry not myself today. 

 

Love you angel

 

AMOUR AMOUR AMOUR

[gail]

Hello luv,

Useless and pathetic and confusion are words spoken by the depression, you must know this!
Do you think that this is due to Ketamine?

You are in deep depression at the moment which will lift any day now. How do you manage to go for a walk like this? I couldn't even go in the backyard. You are so strong London, incredibly strong. My hat to you man!

So the social worker came at 12.45, I was eager to see her. And I made a mess of the situation. I took my noon meds, one Ativan that melts in my mouth plus gabapentin. I could not remember the melting in my mouth so I took one out let it melt. So along the conversation, I saw and she saw that I was kind of lost. We had to postpone our meeting! Bravo Gail!

Today is post office for sure, been waiting too long. It's a beautiful day to go out. Just hope that I'm not too tired. Hey, we haven't heard from Scrat in the last days, I know that he needed time for himself, but like a mom, I'm worried, it's hopefully nothing.

This is it for this morning, see you later angel face, lots of love, I take you in my arms to comfort you!

[fishinghat]

Gail, during my Cymbalta withdrawal I took 8 Ativan a day and it did not have any effect on me. At one time the dr had me take 4 at once and I felt no effect of any kind.

 

My bad. It was suppose to be 6 per day not 8.

[invalidusername]

WOW! You were at a monastery school!? Love to know more about that as and when. Great that the break really turned things to an increased spritiuality for you.

 

Speaking of the suffering and the truth behind it.. Gail... have you sent LDN the link to the mission book?

 

That verse from Romans is wonderful - thanks for posting that. Simple, yet so wonderful.

 

The Winchester Catherdral was Frank Sinatra back in "the day" Gailage, and reading about the heat make me sweat even though it is about 15deg C here at the moment! It will increase in the next few weeks though, and I am not a fan of the heat much. If nothing else, it brings all the people out and they flock on the grass right outside my apartment. It is like living in Woodstock. They bring screaming kids, radios etc. It can get very intolerable at times.

 

...and thank you again for your loving concern Gailage. And just to catch up here - as I have in NM's thread and now for my brother here...

 

The upshot is that my stress has reduced a bit, which is good as I thought it was here to stay. Had the mother of all headaches on Sunday which after 8 hours of phone calls, and waiting and researching, I found that I could take Codiene without my face swelling up. Don't know how I have lived with pain this long before finding that out, but I was almost blacking out from the pain. One of the doctors also suggested I cut my Citalopram from 30 to 20mg as she thought it was the reason for all the head complaints. But knowing my sensitivity, I only dropped to 25mg - has been three days now on this dose. I have become very exhausted, but managed work - and although I had a really good day yesterday, today I am swinging moods every 15-20 minutes between depression and anxiety which is really wierd. I just cannot relax. Muscles are a bit tense too and thoughts all over the place about health, which is typical for me. Just have to see how it goes.

 

But anyway, I am back and all caught up with everything, and LDN, I am sorry to hear that your depression has been lingering. It certainly does like to keep coming back and forth. Nature of the illess as you know. I used to be able to feel it coming the day before, but now it can just come out of nowhere as and when it wants to. How I would long for those warning times again and put into practise all the herbs and meditation I now know that should deal with it.

 

Anyway - look forward to hearing how you have all done for the rest of the day.

 

Take it easy people.

 

Love and God Bless you all.

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

Thanks for fulling us in! I'm happy to see you are making some progress, though obviously today sounds tough! It sounds like things are going in a positive direction for you. Obviously I think cutting the Citalopram might give you a few bumpy days so remember not too be too hard on yourself my man!! WOW 8 hours of calls, I would be dead after 1 hour!!! Anyway i will be praying things really start to settle for you. So pleased that you had a good yesterday - hold on to that!! Hopefully that will be more and more common!! I see what your saying about your health anxiety, I really think therapy should help with this, so will keep praying for it to come. Hopefully when you see the p-doc if you mention it he can pull some strings. If you say your desperate the NHS should in theory speed the process up! Will be good for you to see the p doc, as I think you mentioned he/she is quite nice? Have you read any of Dr. Veal about health anxiety? Obviously I doubt you have had time with everything going on like mad!!

 

Yeah went to a monastery school - Benedictine monks. It was pretty cool actually, because the monks aren't into discipline at all, they don't care about smoking and stuff like that, so we could get away with all sorts!! I remember one school trip we were just openly smoking and the monk in charge just didn't even mention it LOL! That trip was great because they took us to inner city Bristol, the most poor areas and we met ex heroin addicts and then went to a prostitution centre, that cared for them when they came in off the street. It really fired in me a passion for social justice that day and working with people who are normally looked down on. Not many schools would have done that as a trip, it was a beautiful experience. I had a really lovely chat with one of the heroin addicts, was just such a beautiful guy, so sensitive, soft, caring. As I say was a very powerful day for me and something I think not many schools would do. It was a very idiosyncratic school as well, so out of touch with the modern world - which was great, it didn't encourage ambition and greed. I guess it makes it harder to accept the the state of modern world having been in just a different environment but I'm thankful for it and have many great stories!! 

 

So yeah you will have seen not faring well at the moment, still very traumatised by the ketamine making me so much worse. I am confused why they said it never happens to anyone and then me it completely makes me suicidal. Something very wrong in my brain that even the ketamine makes me worse. I'm just hyper hyper sensitive to anything foreign entering my brain, which is a very fragile state. To be honest every since I came off the duloxetine in 3 weeks my brain not been right, even going back on it now for about 9 months and still things haven't settled down?? Coming off so quickly and then putting up with the intense withdrawal for so long before going back on has definitely done something weird. I had 2 years of pretty stable mind and only mild depression before I came off, so something changed. 

 

The good news is that I'm very treatment receptive to therapy, so at least one form of treatment I take well. Saw my therapist today for 1st time in 3 weeks and as usual was a good session. Also spiritually I'm continuing to work hard, which again is something I am lucky to be receptive to. I'm still doing my walks and they continue to get longer. It's tough when I'm more depressed than I was a few weeks ago and yet I'm doing longer walks than then, but that's the deal I made with myself so I'm sticking to it. I'm at about a 20 minute walk out front now every day, which is massive compared to were I was only recently. I get quite a way down the hight street now. It's tough but I'm sticking at it for the now! 

 

Anyway lovely to hear from you my brother! Just reply whenever! I look forward to hearing from you then! 

 

Love to you and your wife and God Bless

[LDN]

Hello my dear, 

 

Yes for sure ketamine knocked me. It confused me. 

 

You are right it is the depression talking and deep down I know it, but you know how persuasive depression is? It makes you think it is reality!! It gets so confusing with depression! 

 

I still love that description you said of depression loving you but the feelings are mutual LOL!! That is amazing!!! As I say my depression has really fallen for more and won't go away lol!!

 

I love your humour my love!! 

 

Yeah walks are hard, it is 20 minutes now!! Most on a shopping street in busy London as well!! It is tough but I have to push myself. I have been in my house for too long. I need to face my fears. My therapist as well gives me confidence, we do exposures together to build up confidence. 

 

I was telling my therapist about my trip today, as it was first I saw her since. I told her about us flying!!!! Also I told her about me turning down being king in the trip because I didn't think it would be good for my spiritual development and it would just be good for my ego. She was so impressed that even in a trip i could be focussing on what is spiritually best for me. That gave me a lot of confidence. God has been good for me, very very good. He has helped me so much. Thank you dear lord, I love you!!

 

Oh gail I often mess up meds, it is so tough to focus all the time! It demands so much energy!! I feel you there for sure! 

 

Can't wait to hear from MA CRAPAUD PREFERE!!!! LOL!!! 

 

Sleep well and God Bless MA ANGE!!!

 

I Love you!!!!

 

AMOUR AMOUR AMOUR 

[gail]

To my lovely Scrattage,

So glad to see you back! I so missed you, of course, we all missed you. I had Fishinghat cry on my shoulder, while you were absent.lol!

Cheers to you my friend. I love you and so does Sid, speaking of, was nagging me all day long about your absence. He so loves you, he wanted me to send you a box of acorns. With his big eyes watering, now that's it over, he can't stop dancing around!

[gail]

And to my sweet prince,

What a special therapist you have. You have been blessed my friend. She loves you the same way I love you.

Later, I need to go to the hospital to have a scan of my lower skull, at the base on my skull, there are Mets. It's beginning to hurt. Every time that something hurts, I will have a scan and radiotherapy. So, piece by piece. Like a car, fix this, then that.

I'm still so tired after my outing yesterday. Exactly like people witdrawing from Cymbalta. When they overdo it, there is a price to pay. Am I ever glad that these days are over. The sooner I swallowed that medecine, anxiety would triple. Besides bringing me down, it did nothing but worsen my condition. So, at 15mg, I cold turkeyed. It was hell during and after.

What a bad experience my prince! A bit like your Ketamine, but way much longer. Day and night I was plagued with this. One day, I had suicidal ideation, I went to the drug store for them to tell me what to do. As soon as I mentioned suicidal, all the workers there, I mean all of them, went into a frenzy. They called me after two hours, to make sure that I was ok. What a nice bunch of people. If I had not answered, they would have sent the police!

Laughing while I read LE CRAPEAUD, the title of our book should be, LE CRAPEAUD ET LE MOINE DANS LES MAINS DE DIEU. I will change it many times, I know myself. In English, it will be THE FROG AND THE MONK IN THE HANDS OF GOD. SO NICE. anyone reading this, feel free to give us ideas for the title of our book. We're not writing a book, it's a fantasy. Having fun with this.

Here is a phrase I sent to London recently: SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE PICTURE OF WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOUR LIFE WOULD BE LIKE AND LEARN TO FIND JOY IN THE STORY YOU'RE LIVING!

Not sure if I wrote it here or in a pm. It's full of wisdom.

That will be all for now London, with love, ton crapeaud xxxooxx

[invalidusername]

Thank you Gailage!

 

Can imagine such a big chap as our Hat like that!! You are all so lovely. 

 

Today is the most anxious day of the year for me as my car has its annual test for road-worthiness. And I have to walk a mile through the middle of town to get home when I drop it off and get it back. I now have about an hour to hear whether or not it has passed. I am doing this without a valium as I think I would need about 3 to calm me down and then I wouldn't be able to work afterwards...

 

How's the weather and the haircut going??

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

So, yes, the whole health anxiety thing. It has improved a lot, but the issue is more not what "could" happen, but what "is" happening. The anxiety bit is that I cannot relax knowing that it DOES keep coming back. Most health anxiety is along the lines of "oh, that bump shouldn't be there - that is something serious" and getting yourself worked up over something that is nothing. But this is something! When I see the p-doc I will be letting all hell loose. It is not his fault, but I had been trying to contact him for days, and he will be annoyed that I got directions from another doctor when he is meant to be taking charge of my care - but what could I do?! Sit around with the worst pain until I can see him? My head has been so much better for the last couple of days, so I really hope it continues.

 

I can't believe you could smoke at that school.. LOL! You really couldn't think it! But is sounds like they had their efforts and morals in the right places, and for you to see all of the other parts of the world and culture that are often left blinded to everyone else. I am sure that can really have an impact on the ways and means you develop at that age. 

 

It is interesting that you mention the going off and going on again has done something strange as this is exactly what I have done with the citalopram. It is like my brain refuses to have any other drug in my system, and it makes sense as it has been used to Citalopram for 13 years - and then to start experimenting after so long, how did I think it was going to react?! But yes, the Duloxetine, from what I have seen, can do something similar is a much shorter period of time, and a real shame that you are subject to all of that now. 

 

Amazing what you are doing with your walks - 20 minutes! That is huge. I thought it was still an end of the road job. Do you walk around in laps of a shorter route, or do you cover new ground for the whole 20 minutes? It tends to increase the anxiety the further you are away from safety, or home. I had to walk a mile back home from the town today as I had to drop my car off for MOT. That took some doing, particularly as the MOT has always been a huge source of anxiety for me. I got to the reception and the mechanic was filling in some forms on the computer when I got there and he told me to wait for a while for him to finish.. 1 minute.. 2 minutes.. 3 minutes and your brain starts going nuts!! Just wanted to leave my keys are run out.. but stick with it and it dissipates. You have done so well with these walks man. How do you think you would fair in a car and driving? Would you find that easier in terms of exposure? Obviously there would be far less for your legs to tolerate, but in terms of the anxiety? A couple of years ago when all this started, it didn't make much difference as I was convinced the car would break down and that would be worse as I would have to leave the car and walk miles home. Fortunately I look after my car as if it were my own child and it wants for nothing! I think anxiety sufferers must have the most reliable cars on the planet!! LOL.

 

Anyway - will look forward to hearing how your day went. Sincerely hope your depression will start to move up a bit for you. Surely if the Kentamine had a negative impact, it will be wearing off as the days pass. You are absolutely right to keep the walking going as we know that all these exposures really help relieve some of that depression. Now this is the point that I start telling YOU how brave you have been, so stare that depression right between the eyes and just get on with the all the stuff that you were doing before the treatment. You will not let this setback reduce the progress you have made. No way man!! You show that depression whos in charge!!

 

Light and Love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ah I see! Yeah I get it. Similar to how was back in September last year in a way, was so anxious about the doluxetine and going back on it. I would obsess over it side effects when I went back on, same with the chlorpromazine, I would worry a lot about it side effects. To be honest with the astonishing degree of the physical side effects you suffer, I think it would strange if you weren't anxious, I mean apart from elite Buddhist monk I think almost everybody would be anxious in your situation. 

 

Yeah I had been on doluxetine for a long time as well, just under 5 years with a few breaks and about 2 years uninterrupted. The weird thing is I came off doluxetine twice before and both time I had barely withdrawal. I would have never gone back on it the 3rd time if I knew how difficult it was to come off and what a risk I was taking. But because I had come off twice without problem and I hadn't read anything online I thought I would be okay going back on. This is also why I came off so quickly last year, as before when I came off quickly it caused no problems. What I don't get it is now that I've been on it highest dose for so long, why is my brain still so sensitive. Like the night of the ketamine I was suicidal, my parents would have gone crazy if anything had happened. On antidepressants they say on the packets they can cause suicidal thoughts, but with the ketamine there is no warning of that. I had warnings about my bladder, cognitive decline and stuff like that but not a single warning on increased depression or suicide ideation. Thank God nothing happened to me but I'm slightly uncomfortable with how ketamine is presented. I guess I could have just had literally a one in a million reaction? That is a possibility. It certainly a very strange situation. My mum told me she didn't even want me to have ketamine but because the doctors were so positive she agreed. At the end of the day mental health treatment outside therapy is really pretty risky, apart from those who react well to antidepressants and have no side effects, which i think is about 30%. 

 

This is why I'm so focussing on my spirituality. I've sort of given up on doctors and focusing now on my mind. I'm taking responsibility into my own hands if you like, rather than just hoping a treatment works. As I don't work I can focus most of my time on my mind. Having read these amazing stories of Buddhist monks transcending pain, I know it can be done. Being physical ill like I am is actually a great tool for meditation because you are not arrogant about your heath, your impermanence and the fragility of your body is there for you to see, you don't have to imagine it. When I was mentally and physically health as a kid, I wouldn't have got into this stuff, because I was drunk of my self-importance. When you are healthy you never think you will get ill, you just don't think it will happen to you. Rinpoche says for enlightenment you need to kill the ego, along those lines. Being ill is certainly a huge hit for the ego. 

 

How you getting on with the book. I'm almost done, towards the end when he talks about death it is sublime. I'm gutted it's not longer!!! 

 

So the walks i walk about 10 minutes in one direction and then walk back a slightly different route. It's mostly on the main road. So every day I'll walk past a further 1 or 2 shops each day. I normally then go in the garden for about 10 15 minutes after as well, so out for about 30 to 40 minutes most days. It's slow progress but progress all the same. I really pleased I managed to continue with them despite all this stuff going on. Some days are quite tough, some days are pretty easy. Today was tough but I've got to just stick with it. Facing fears is an essential part of making the mind stronger, so the exposures will actually help my spirituality. By going on the walks I'm 'letting go' and accepting anything could happen. The main road is pretty busy, lots of traffic, lots of shops, so it is tough. 

 

In terms of cars, I don't drive so can't really imagine. In terms of being driven and looking out the window, I feel walking your interacting more with the surroundings. But I used to shut my eyes in the car, as mentally I could take in everything. I now open my eyes mostly, but only quite recently. 

 

Really hope you have a good day tomorrow man!! So so happy your heads been better these last few days!!! Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot! 

 

Love and God Bless

[LDN]

MA PRINCESSE, 

 

Bonjour! Oh so brave! SO SO BRAVE! 

Thank you for blessing me with your strength, what an honour! 

 

So woke up at 5pm today! LOL! No one woke me up and I slept through my alarm! Beautiful sleep. Then 4 hours later I went back to bed!!! 

 

I'm sorry your tired after yesterday! AW that withdrawal sounds crazy! Brings back bad memories for me also! And I have it all again to go through, I'm on 120mg right now! I have a lot of fun to come lol! 

 

I will print out that phrase and put it on my desk I love it so much - very beautiful! Your are an artist as well as a saint! WOW! 

 

SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE PICTURE OF WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOUR LIFE WOULD BE LIKE AND LEARN TO FIND JOY IN THE STORY YOU'RE LIVING

 

Sweet dreams ma ange 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[invalidusername]

"Facing fears is an essential part of making the mind stronger"

 

Absolutely. This is where I want to follow in your footsteps here. So much of it is in the mind and I want to opportunity to get to this part. Much like you are doing with your walks, you are facing the pain of your legs and so forth along with the mental efforts involved. I am really trying to do the same - to rise above the physical discomfort that is all around me. But when I am undiagnosed and no idea where I am going, this is what traps my mind in the endless cycle of thoughts. As soon as there is the smallest breather from thinking, it will be go right there and become one-track thing for the rest of the day until I can overome it again.

 

I am about half way through the book at the moment, so not quite to where you are. Depending on my mood, and the day I have had, I can change from this sort of stuff, to afterlife or to children's fiction/fantasy. So I need to have a few books on the go so I can appease my mind at the end of the day as I see fit! I would be really interested to talk more of how you manage to overcome the physical issues that you face, and the time you have to tame your mind in the same way. I frequently have a lot of time when I wake before I need to work and this is by far the hardest time of the day for me. Too much time for the mind to wander. This is where the meditation comes in... do you find that some times in the day are worse than others for the mind? Do you find it easier to meditate at the time you most need it as you practise further? This is mentioned in the book as a bit of a trap, but it is hard to get as far as meditation when you mind is being such a tit! It tricks you into thinking there is simply no point, whereas, as you have said before, even just the point of sitting and doing what you can at the time is still meditative and will impact to a point. 

 

Today hasn't been quite as good as yesterday as my head started playing up again, which in turn set my thoughts racing about how much longer I have to put up with it. I managed to actually speak to the mental health team, and all they could tell me is that I need a new pill... not a chance. I need a new pill like I need a hole in my head. Can they not see what damage they have done in the last 12 months? I told them I wanted therapy, but they said this is pointless until I am stable with the drugs. They simply do not understand... Very trying. Very stressful. This is how I can feel for you with the medication route, and so awesome that you are able to enjoy the therapy that you are able to get. You are really doing the right thing there and with all the exposures you are following up with it just incredible - I'm really jealous!! I would love to accompany you on them too! But London would sure freak me out! I managed a short walk to pharmacy, small queue etc for my prescription. That was my exposure for the day!

 

Anyway. Falling asleep. The physical stuff - again like you, makes me very exhausted. Hope you are doing well and that we both have some healthy days ahead for the weekend/

 

Much love and light dear brother.

 

God Bless

[gail]

MA PRINCESSE, 
 
Bonjour! Oh so brave! SO SO BRAVE! 
Thank you for blessing me with your strength, what an honour! 
 
So woke up at 5pm today! LOL! No one woke me up and I slept through my alarm! Beautiful sleep. Then 4 hours later I went back to bed!!! 
 
I'm sorry your tired after yesterday! AW that withdrawal sounds crazy! Brings back bad memories for me also! And I have it all again to go through, I'm on 120mg right now! I have a lot of fun to come lol! 
 
I will print out that phrase and put it on my desk I love it so much - very beautiful! Your are an artist as well as a saint! WOW! 
 
SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE PICTURE OF WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOUR LIFE WOULD BE LIKE AND LEARN TO FIND JOY IN THE STORY YOU'RE LIVING
 
Sweet dreams ma ange 
 
LOVE LOVE LOVE

London, this phrase is not from me, I saw it somewhere and copied it .Bonne nuit mon moine.
I will speak with you tomorrow. I hope that you had a better day than mine. Love you mom Ange.

[LDN]

Bonne nuit ma crapaud!!! 

 

Je t'aime TELLLEMENT!!!

[LDN]

Hey brother, 

 

Oh what the hell? You need to be stable on drugs for therapy?? This is rubbish to me. Loads and loads of people are in a unstable place and they definitely don't need drugs!! My sister was struggling with sleep, she has insomnia and this was making her so stressed. She got therapy for it, she didn't take drugs!! The therapy worked great!! I'm so happy she didn't get on drugs. She has anxiety as well, but I've told her only get on drugs if you really really have to. Having seen what I have gone through I think she is very very wary!! Also they want to give you more drugs? It's getting me angry just thinking about it! The training these people have is simply shocking! It's like the time I first went to my GP about my depression. She was really nice and had no malice at all, but when I told her I hadn't seen friends for a few months and hadn't really left the house at all she was like 'OH MY GOD'. I was so sacred as it was my first time ever talking about depression to a doctor. Staying in the house and not feeling social are very very common in severe depression, yet she acted like she had never heard something like that in her whole life!! She was a GP, where was her training? 

 

Anyway just try your best when you see the p doc! That's all you can do. I just so sorry you have these issues, oh man it's pretty heartbreaking to hear!! So will be praying that things change! I have so so much admiration for you in facing this. I have a therapist and a p doc who pushes me to do exposures and isn't all about drugs - i feel so bad you don't have the same! I feel pretty guilty to be honest. But hope with all my heart that things get sorted, and will be here to help in any way I can ALWAYS!!! Bless you my friend, your patience will be rewarded!!! 

 

So I'm quite a eccentric and idiosyncratic person, I sort of like to do things myself and not follow too much instructions. So I actually got into meditation without actually ever reading about it, or even really knowing I was doing it!! In 2015 I had been plagued by the same negative thoughts since 2011 and drugs hadn't stopped them, it was draining I felt I had to do something different. So what I did is when I woke up in the morning I would go into the bathroom, lock the door and just stand and look at the wall for about 2 hours, sometimes even 3. Sounds crazy I know! I would invite all the negative thoughts into my mind and then think about them rather than pushing them away. I would force myself to think about them and face up to them. I would think rather than 'these aren't real' but more 'so what if these are real, it's not the end of the world is it?'. This was the big breakthrough, being like 'everybody wants to be happy and their actions are led by this desire'. I would be like 'if some people dislike me, I don't have run away from that, just accept it. I will never get into their heads, so can't know what their thinking, life is complex. Let just let things be. If these thoughts want to come into my head, they are more than welcome, they don't have to mean I get upset, that my reaction to the thoughts, not the thoughts themselves.' I know my negative thoughts are different from yours as mine are mostly about self-esteem more like your wife. I would force myself to think about anything, just let whatever wanted to come into my head come and then I would rest with it. Over time i would sort less analyse the thoughts and more just rest with them there. I probably tapped into some of my CBT that I had for OCD in 2012 but basically I just came up with this scheme myself. Basically the core principle is - if a thought is scaring you LET IT IN!! You can never outrun your thoughts, making peace with them is the only way. It was only years later when I started reading about meditation and mindfulness that I realised that what I had been doing was pretty similar!! The key thing for me was the mental toughness that came from forcing yourself to stay in a room for 2 hours - just you and your thoughts - no escape. As I say this came about with no therapy, just my own initiative. I actually became a very enjoyable experience and was probably the highlight of my day - that why i sometimes stayed doing it for 3 hours!! It felt so good! Then as I became more weak and had to sleep more I have had less time to it - but the groundwork had been done. At present i don't have time for it, but on my walks, particularly in the garden I'm very in the present and just let my mind be. I love the garden walks, those are the moments when I sometimes feel God. Contemplation, silence, stillness, mindfulness - I don't what to call it, but i really enjoy it. I was thinking today if someone asked one thing I couldn't live without I would say silence. 

 

So I have bombarded you with info there!!! Very sorry my friend!! But if I was to explain my approach to the mind, I felt it was important to give you the background! Would be delighted to go into more detail on whatever issues you want! Obviously now reading all the Buddhist books, I'm like wow I do this as well!! 

 

My day was fine, feel a bit of that mojo that felt before ketamine coming back. Just pretty excited with exploring my mind and facing my fears. My exposure is sort of the main point of the day - every day a little further. Then the rest of the day I can feel some satisfaction. Once you get into the swing, facing fears becomes pretty fun! 

 

 Love talking to you as usual man! 

 

So much love! 

 

Hoping for a great weekend for you and your wife! 

 

God Bless brother

[invalidusername]

It is nuts, right?! How can they refuse me therapy until I have stabalised on the medication!! To this day, they have still not done anything. All the decisions I have made myself, they have simply got in the way in removing drugs, giving me other rubbish that I do not need - all I ever wanted from them was therapy, but I had to jump through various other hoops first - and a year later and am still not anywhere closer. I will be shouting at these people with my dying breath at this rate.

 

Your post really helped this morning. I can tell you exactly which part - the fact tht you cannot run away from your thoughts. I have been doing just that. This is where my anxiety is coming from. I am scared of these thoughts. So as soon as something triggers, within a split second I get that hit in the chest, the burning, the ants under the skin crawling - even though it is a thought. I am now just welcoming it along. Come in. Pull up a chair in my head and have a cup of tea! I am not sure I will take it as far as you have with the 2 or 3 hours, as I obviously have work to do!! But, I am sure there is something here for me to benefit from. As Clare Weekes has also said, there is a finite point for the symptoms. You can try as much as you can to make them worst, and you will not be able to. The feelings are there, you may as well accept it and just let them do what they will. So my sincere thanks for you advice there. The message has been archived in my existing folder in my inbox for future reference! Wish there was something that I could reciprocate with. I still long for the day that you sample Kratom - but I will not keep going on about it. This is something that you decide with your medication. There is still Ketamine to get out of your system, and I think you need to let things simply settle as they were and to concentrate on your exposures as you are doing so well with them.

 

Had another good day this end - went to see my weekend friend and was able to relax quite well, but I am still suffering a lot from exhaustion. When I woke up after a wonderful 8 hours kip, I still couldn't do much for another couple of hours! I was sort of in and out of consciousness. Fortunately it was the weekend!

 

So how have things gone thus far for you this weekend? Any progress to report? I was going to say I expect that it was busy in London for the weekend, but I expect it is the opposite where less people are going about their usual work lives?

 

Love and Light brother

 

God Bless