2348 replies to this topic

[fishinghat]

OK, so lets see. You are taking75 mg a day (3 - 25 mg tablets). So over a 3 week period that would be a 25 mg drop per week.

 

A drop of 1/4 tablet (6.25 mg) every other day would be a 24 day wean and is close enough to 3 weeks.

 

There is one thing I am worried about. As you drop your energy levels will begin to elevate. At some point I would expect you to become very restless and agitated. It may be necessary to stop at that dose until your body adapts. There are other things happening in your body so we don't need to upset things.

[invalidusername]

Worth mentioning that if the pills aren't scored then they aren't designed to be cut in half/quarters etc, and given LDN's sensitivity, this would cause issues and therefore might call for titration...

 

OK - three posts and I already need a break!!

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

Thanks for your lovely message. Sorry its been a while to respond - been another busy day on the forum... and I managed to venture out for some contact with other people before I got cabin fever.

 

Hugs are great. The wife is going through some difficulty at the moment and I do all I can, and it is nice that she just sometimes rests her head on my shoulder. It is her affection that comes through at this point that makes things better.

 

I know the Celexa isn't helping much because if I forget to take my homeopathic pills for a couple of days, my head is horrible. I need to come off them. But I am scared Gail... knowing what happened last time. I've finally got to a place that is almost normal and it worries me to upset the balance, but if I am to get over the last hurdle, the pills have got to go.

 

We'll get the New Year in and see what happens...

 

Much lovage my dear. Will do all I can to continue that smile

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

What a day!! Been a bit all over the place. I woke feeling like I had some sort of strange hangover, but not a headache or flu symptoms, more like a psychological hangover. Can't really explain it. I feel nauseous but not sick, I feel like I should have a headache, but don't have one. Overall it just makes me feel very uncomfortable. It was a little like that yesterday before the evening, but today was worse, but it keeps coming and going. 

 

I will be honest, I indulged in a few drinks and I think it has messed with my system a bit. It is the only thing that has changed. Nothing I have done or eaten etc has changed. No stresses to speak of apart from the family thing. I managed to see my friend today and I was glad I went, but it was a bit uncomfortable - like I wanted to be there, but physically, I just didn't have it in me. There was a fair bit of noise too which was disturbing me a bit. So no mulled wine, no port - nothing as of around 7pm last night. Thing is I never drink, but decided to have the one here and there no thinking it would make much of an issue. But then, the last time I drank I had a glass of red wine and it caused severe depression. So maybe this is where my flatness has come from. I am obviously better than when I had that glass of red wine, but this time it is more physical. I need to remember that I really cannot even sniff the stuff. 

 

My best guess is that it has increased the effects of the citalopram, and I know that it does mess my head up without the homeopathy remedy. I know it might take another day or so before this improves - but really wish I had thought it through. 

 

Anyway - that quote - absolutely. You can't change the world. Something I was told many times by a previous therapist.. and nice for the world to be quoted as a spiritual vessel. 

 

Great that you got nearly an hour of meditation - fantastic! Again, I could really do with that silence and solitude. It worries me a bit to be isolated for too long for fear of getting cabin fever, but we all need this time. Finding the balance in my world is very difficult. Like you say, re-charging batteries is a must and whenever one is given the opportunity, it should be taken. When I saw my friend today, she had turned off her mobile, her PC, her iPad.. the lot. Very strong indeed. Mind you , she works like a trojan, and she really does need this time off.

 

So how are the physical ailments at the moment? Haven't had much of an update regarding the back pains, stomach and so forth. 

 

The picture you paint of the cat is adorable. That is a real friendship you have there. She knows you are a cat person - and this is what happens when they find cat people. They let the real cat out! You get the true personality, they hold nothing back! It is so wonderful. And to think I have all my cats waiting for me in the Summerland too! It will be so amazing before even factoring in all the other wonderful things that await us... just to have all my cats in one place! 

 

It is so funny when they touch your face with their paw too!! Not all of them do that, but I have had plenty that do. One that used to do that to wake me up. She wouldn't meow, she would just get on the bed and take a couple of times on my face... wait a few seconds and then do it again until I showed some sort of life - and then she knew it would be cuddle and breakfast time. I also had one cat who would actually sleep in the covers of the bed - not on the duvet, but inside with me. Sometimes she would be up by my head with a breathing hole, but other times she would be somewhere a couple of feet under keeping my legs warm! Truly amazng creatures...

 

Right. Need to break - been another really busy forum day here. Need to rest the brain for a while. Oh, and let me know how the exposure went today of course! Hope the day off prepared you well...

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi fishinghat. Just to be clear I am on just 1 x 25mg a day. Thinking of getting back from the country and then when it is calmer in January going from there.

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey brother. It caught up with me today. Felt very flat and tired throughout the day. The thing is after the 5 hours and 35 minutes on Boxing Day I didn't even feel tired. But having had a day off, my body is now getting in rest mode and I'm slowing down. Tomorrow has been cancelled now as well, so in theory nothing on for a week. Just get back to my reading and carry on with the mindfulness. 

 

I always say to be slow and steady. In the last 2 weeks I have had the party in the pub, packing, the drive down, then Christmas Day and then Boxing Day and then the tea today! That is massive for a 2 week period! We know what happened after the hospital trips, so I think now is the time for discipline. Obviously had all the anxiety these last 3 weeks as well, which adds extra exhaustion. I have achieved what I planned for this December, and so I need to not get too excited. I need to think long term. After having spent a good few hours with my cousins on Boxing Day I really felt I want more of this and I got quite overexcited. We listened to music and played games and it was very new to me. But it is about an evolution not revolution. 

 

Had the friends today and must admit I felt not in the mood at all. Just wanted a repeat of yesterday, solitude, sauna, shower, bed. But I did get about 20 minutes in the garden before they came. Everybody said I did well and was enthusiastic. But unlike the pub and Boxing Day today was an effort and I was feeling tired throughout. First time I have done an exposure for a while when I have felt it be really tiring. Just wanted to rest and just didn't feel in mood for chatting. But I gave it my best and now I need to listen to what my body was saying today and tone it down majorly. I was massively surprised by how much energy I had on Boxing Day so I am not surprised it has caught up with me. Christmas Day was of course a heavy day as well, 1st one down here for 7 years. That is a lot of emotional baggage to process - 7 years!! So I need to give my brain time to take stock and take it all in. Just once today I felt a bit of negative thinking creeping in, for the 1st time in a long long time. So obviously mental I am bit exhausted. The negativity tends to come in when I am not fully present and being fully present requires energy. Need a good night tonight.

 

Sorry about your issues man. If you don't drink very much at all then it would make sense your body is maybe a bit sensitive. But as you say it should go soon. Happy you had a nice time with your friend but it sounds like you were a bit like me in that you were enjoying the company but for your body and brain it was an effort. 

 

So in my stomach felt a bit dodgy on evening of Christmas Day but since then played it very safe food wise and it has been fine. My back also seems to be improving and haven't had to take any pills for it for a few days now. 

 

Me and the cat had another nice moment today she would meow and then I would meow back and then she would reply!! Also again was having my ME massage from my dad and she was climbing all over me as usual pinning me down. My dad was trying to do my back, so I smacked my behind and she straight away jumped between my legs and rested her head on it. That is one of her favourite positions now. Also I thought today I have a new qualification as cat masseur LOL!! Apparently she is actually between 19 and 20!

 

As I said yesterday I feel a bit sort of lonely I suppose having been with all these young people on Boxing Day and that is so new to me. Sort of feeling like this is what I want more of and now it is back to my normal routine. As I say I never had uni or anything so missed all those years, so a little part of me see's these young people having a great time and wants to be part of it. But at the same time I have made great steps this month and I know I am a slow and steady person. I know my body and I can't just pretend I am not ill. In the long term that is not the solution. Yes I want to face fears but I can't go overboard. It is a difficult balance. But at least I have a desire to get out there, since when I was at my most depressed I didn't even want to do anything but just stay at home. That is risk of doing a major exposure is you get a taste for it and then it is tough to re-adjust to your daily reality. But as I say it is a good problem to have. 

 

Love you so much brother!!

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey my dear Gail! 

 

Such lovely words about you smiling and you not crying this morning! So happy to read of both!! 

 

I will keep praying my love!! 

 

You are so special!! 

 

Chin Chin says 'MEOW MEOW'! 

 

I love you!!

[gail]

Scrat and London, I love hearing about your cat stories. More please!


Out of likes, thanks London for your post. No crying yet.yeah!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I'm a day behind you - it all caught up with me today. Not so much the depression etc, but the physical - although that did instil a bit of fear in not knowing when it was going to go. I was bed-bound for the first 6 hours of the day, only moving when I needed the bathroom or another glass of water. It has been a combination of extreme fatigue, head fog, mild nausea and horrible fragility. It reminded me of when I was going through my withdrawal - so it sounds like what you were going through not so long back as you used the exact same words. I have put this down to (after confirmation from Hat), the combination of dramamine and alcohol along with the Citalopram. This stuff clearly does mix well in my system. 

 

Underneath it all I wanted to do stuff, thinking to myself, it only I felt better. Just like you again. I was hanging on to my spirituality and reading what I could of my books on the subject or on the phone. Was all I could do. I started to lift around 6-7pm, had a bath and lunch and came out of it - for today at least. But I sincerely hope this was the peak of the symptoms. It certainly has been building up to something - so I hope that was it, but I will accept that the following few days might not be my normal better days that I have had before. So, very tough day all in.

 

Glad to hear that you have got some time to yourself again - I think this is going to be to your benefit. Like you said, there has been a lot going on over the last 2 weeks - and that being right after the anxiety relapse. You need to recover. Are you also down in the country to see the new year in? Will that not involve some kind of social practice with the family? As for me, it will be just the two of us with a nice roast dinner and Jools Holland on the TV... and absolutely no alcohol. Well, the wife can, but I am giving it a wide berth. 

 

I think that the exposure from yesterday was a warning shot across the bough to tell you to slow things down. But of course, you understand this. But sincerely well done for giving it your all despite the situation. It is not easy when you can feel the mental exhaustion creeping in and you know what is best for you to be doing at the time. So, obviously I hope that the day off today bought some of the energy back and restored some positivity. Also glad to hear that the back has been improving along with the stomach. Lets hope they both continue in this direction.

 

Can understand the thoughts of missing out on the younger moments from Uni. I remember the days of being wheeled around the town late at night in a Sainsbury's shopping trolley among other antics. I quietened down for my other post-graduate endeavours as I obviously needed to do well if I was to become qualified in anything! But there is still plenty of life left to have experiences such as those you are already having such as your meditation, the walks, the cat - which, believe me, are far more important that my example above! 

 

Well, I will wait to hear how you got on, and sincerely hope when I am reading in the morning that I am in a better position than I was this morning. Really don't want to go through that again... Prayers continue for you (and others) despite my physical condition.

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother so sorry to hear that! My brain is completely empty right now! So sorry if this post isn't the longest! Feel fine but just a bit zombie headed. Also really physically tired as well. Got plenty of sleep and then had some cat time and that was pretty much it! I need the rest to be honest. New year there was a potential event but now it will just a night at home. To be honest I won't even follow it, as I never have the last few years! I am such a grumpy old man LOL!!!! So I think I have nothing for a weak now. Need to get back into reading. Haven't been reading almost at all this week, as you can imagine I have been so knackered after all the goings on. I think when I don't read I get a mentally flat, I need the intellectual stimulation. So hopefully get plenty in next few days. 

 

As I said really sorry to hear about your morning. As someone super sensitive myself I understand what a tightrope we have to walk. Hopefully this morning was the worst of it like you say. Encouraging you felt better as the day went on! Really good to hear you could go to your spirituality this morning! Now with a few days I'm looking forward to getting more mindfulness in. I feel a mix of restlessness and tiredness - which is I think something you have mentioned. But I am listening on this occasion to the tiredness. I think for both of us while it is frustrating, we need this time off, to take stock of the great progress we have both made and re charge the batteries for the new year. 

 

So I will be really praying that your morning tomorrow is better. As I say these will be a frustrating few days ahead probably but in the long run will do us good! Sorry for being short but just in zombie mode today!! 

 

Love you so much brother!! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey Gail! 

 

So happy to hear about no crying this morning! Yeah! 

 

So brave! So so brave!! 

 

Chin Chin had more energy today! But no rats or mice at all this time!! As I said, I have a new job CAT MASSEUR!!! LOL!!! If Chin Chin wants a massage she comes to me!!! 

 

I will keep praying Saint Gail!!! 

 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! 

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

No worries for the shorter reply - it is understandable that your feeling a little zombie-like after all that has occurred recently. But on the plus side, you have been feeling fine. Good news. No doubt helped by having the time off. The whole new years thing I tend not to get too involved as it is a load of hype for not a lot. People getting happy over another day in the life!! I have never really understood it and get quite upset that I am not as happy as everyone else! So nothing grumpy about you man! 

 

Unfortunately not been the best day - but a bit better than yesterday. I woke up with a bit of fear-fed anxiety after what happened yesterday. That cleared up in a couple of hours, but it wasn't nice while in the middle of it all. Felt OK about doing my work and managed three clients and a short shopping trip, but I started getting quite low around 7pm and it has stayed around since then. It is empty plus a bit. It has moved a little more focus on the negative than neutral. I am trying to not let this worry me too much. I am telling myself it is as a result of being ill for a while. I can do stuff, but I really have to force myself to do it. The only things I can do that occupy me, is either being on the forum or the phone. I don't really feel like doing anything else at all at the moment. Hopefully the physical stuff will be better tomorrow and it will ease a bit. I can understand that alcohol causing the flatness, but I would have thought that would be all out the system by now. 

 

It is discouraging when the day improves, and then goes backwards again. It really gets to me as you never feel safe.. More often than not, I will wake up and that will be the worst point of the day. It will improve when it does, and then I usually have a better mood for the rest of the day. So when it goes backwards after improving, it really takes the wind out of my sails because it means I can never really relax at any point in the day. Don't know if that makes any sense to you at all...

 

The silly thing is was that is happened while I was working when my mind should have been on the work - distracted from anything else - so it might well be biological as that has a habit of happening whether you are thinking negative or not. Man - it is such a pain.

 

I had about 20 minutes between clients and was at the parents house, so I did a bit of meditation on the sofa, and as soon as I sat down, the cat joined me! Sat on my lap and just sat quite contented. I think he knew what I was doing, so he let me be... either that or he was joining in?!

 

Yes the mix of tiredness and restlessness is what I call "twired" when you are tired but wired. Nasty feeling. Only got one client per day for the next three days, so I will have more rest coming up. Still very tired after last week, so probably not a bad thing. Already proved to myself that I can manage 4 hours out after a week off, so not a problem. 

 

Thanks for your prayers man - really appreciated. I do hope that the next few days gets us both back out into normal equilibrium and on the straight and narrow again. 

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother really sorry to hear about those confusing swings! I completely understand what you are saying. For me I seem to get more tired each day at the moment. Today I was really tired. My brain just couldn't take anything in. Everything physically and mentally was a super super effort. Then had a little burst of anxiety mixed with depression before my siesta. Since then been ok. Also I have a really bad cold, so having to blow my nose every few minutes, really blocked up. Not too painful thankfully but I have a drip on the end of my nose 24/7! 

 

I went into the field and just didn't have the energy I had last week. I was out for about 39 minutes, so not bad, but it was an effort. I went to the top of hill and stood still and was mindful for about 20 minutes and then slowly walked around the field then back. There are loads and loads of rooks in the village. There was this big group of them I watched from the field, felt a bit trippy to be honest. Seeing this big mass of flying blacks birds, screeching - like Lord of the Rings or some fantasy story. Last night I managed to read for 2 hours which was the more than I had done so far since I have been down combined! So that was good! 

 

Since I went back on the C8 MCT oil the anxiety has slowly reduced. So my Lyme doc was right. Shows how biological these things are. They just want to throw pills at you but in reality I think nutrition is an avenue that is not looked at enough. I was so surprised he said go back on but it has worked. So fair play to him!! Fishinghat knew about the lactic acid causing anxiety as well, but otherwise I have never heard that explanation before for anxiety. So lucky to have fishinghat on here. 

 

Lovely about your parents cat and you meditating together!! I could really picture that!! Also a massive congrats for getting a shop and 3 clients - 4 hours out is fantastic work!! Really impressive brother! 

 

I think if the feeling hit while you where with your client then as you say it more likely biological than just thoughts. I know you struggle not knowing what is causing it but at least these random biological glitches can come and go quite quickly. I really hope tomorrow is an improvement brother and will continue to pray. 

 

So tomorrow night I will be writing to you probably in 2020! Pleased I not the only one not too bothered! My dad is just like me, so we often have a good moan about these events LOL!!! 

 

The general direction is really positive for us man! 

 

Also almost forgot but today was the 1st mouse eaten by my cat since me being down here! I thought as she hadn't caught one yet it was because she was too old now, but today apparently she had one and left the guts for us - how kind LOL!! In the summer she was eating the heads of rats!! Poor mouse! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey fishinhat! If your reading just to stay that since I went back on the MCT C8 oil my anxiety has been gradually reducing. I want to thank you for your information about the lactic acid, that gave me the confidence to go back on it. Apart from you and my lyme doc everybody was saying not to go back on it!! I can't thank you enough for your help! 

 

God Bless! 

[gail]

Hello Max, you see to check chinchin closely so she doesn't eat any more days or mice while you are there

Expecting you late morning, so much snow, check in with the pilot if the sky is clear. We had lots and lots of snow since yesterday. It would be wise to postpone your trip to tomorrow.

I'll let Liz check in with him. Since you must be sleeping,

[fishinghat]

Anytime LDN. I am still looking into you other meds/supplements you are taking as well.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Unfortunately things did not improve today. I woke up feeling worse than ever. I simply could not think, it was like my brain wasn't working and I was so scared. From 11am throu to 6pm I was just laying in bed - could even open the laptop or look at the phone as I just couldn't take it in. All I did was drink water and green tea that the wife had to get for me. It was so frightening.. and still it thinking back on it.

 

I started to come out of it by about 7pm and I managed something to eat and came onto the forum. I had to call the NHS to find out what was going on. I spoke to a doctor a little while ago who seems to think that I am having a delayed withdrawal to the alcohol because I had the valium at the same time. Obviously I haven't touched any drink since Friday and I have also been told to leave the valium, which in my state is not easy, but if that is what I must do, then so be it. So I am in a bit of a state, and I dare not use any of my special K either... so might be a difficult night. Very strange that it always seems to happen the first half of the day, and this is why I think it is something to do with the citalopram as well. If it were withdrawal, it would surely be all the time?

 

I REALLY hope this gives in tomorrow. I was laying in bed earlier and trying to think of names and words and they just weren't there. So naturally, I thought about how I am going to do my study, how I am going to teach... and then I thought my brain is actually on its way out. It was the only explanation. It is obviously working now, but still so very worried...

 

Has this ever happened to you? Nothing would be more comforting to know that someone else knows how this feels...

 

Brilliant that you made it out into the field today, and that is quite a long time too. I can well imagine it was an effort. It is far more than I could have done today for sure. But now is the last time you want a cold when you are trying to recuperate. It is probably your system catching up with itself. And that probably explains the little spat of depression and anxiety, but glad it was just that and that it cleared. 

 

Equally wonderful is the anxiety reduction! And I agree completely with you about the nutrition. So glad this is sorted out, and you are learning so much for the future. 

 

So not quite how I wanted to see the New Year in, but as I don't give it much consideration, it shouldn't be worrying me that much! But I am really worried about tomorrow and not knowing how long this is going to last, but the fact that it all started at the point of the valium and alcohol tells me it has to be this that caused it. My diary says it all, and this is why I keep a log. Friday night was a "bit iffy" and then Saturday I woke with a very stuffy head and a bit of confusion. Then it all hit on Sunday, but odd that I had a bit of a respite yesterday afternoon and hit it again today. That is what is throwing me, the not knowing. But again, as last night, we shall see what comes of the morning.

 

Wishing you a lovely New Year and much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh brother I am so sorry to hear of your suffering! But I have been there. I know what you describe. I feel mentally lost and can't get names or even think properly. It is a horrible state but it is only a transient thing. The fact your brain was working later shows that. Remember I have had 15 ECTs! I lost a lot of my memory, but with time most came back! And here I am writing these posts everyday and hopefully they make some sense!!! So remember neuroplasticity, our brains can change over time. But also remember when we rest our mind get in rest mode, so we feel at the least of our mental capabilities in rest mode. Your brain knows you are having a rest period and is acting accordingly. That is why these rest periods are actually harder than the exposures. When we rest all the rubbish comes to fore, whereas when we are doing stuff the focus is just on the task at hand. As we are in recovery we get moments when we feel pretty well when we are doing things, but we still have that time when the brain needs to relax and therefore it doesn't do it's job so well. It's like a hangover, everybody feels rubbish. Well with us, we get hangover of sorts with our exposures. 

 

So to combine our rest period always being tough with your reaction to the alcohol and obviously it has created a really really horrible mix. I feel so much for you brother, but I really believe you will come through this! You have had an amazing few months of progress and it was inevitable you would need some rest time to take it in and as I say these are more often than not really tough times. Remember progress for us is not linear, we will have dips and then add in the alcohol situation and it just makes it amplified. 

 

Look at me I mostly had a great year but then I had the big dip in early November and just as I was getting back on track I had the anxiety storm for over 2 weeks. Within that time I have still done some cracking exposures, but overall the good period from April to October, has dipped at bit, but I understand that is part of this process. 

 

Today was another day of massive exhaustion. Not at the races at all. Everything is a huge effort. I feel a completely different person from Boxing Day! When on a very slow walk for 29 minutes. Can't really take anything in. Very very flat. But I need to rest, so I have to just get through the days. I had some anxiety come out of nowhere this evening. But I figured it is not linear. Feeling quite scared myself tonight as well brother. These last 2 months have been tough. 

 

The cat is great. She today was doing this thing when she got up on her hind legs and put her paws in the air!! It was amazing!! Doing that at 19/20 as well!! Also we played the back and forth MEOW game. It is so much fun!! LOL! She is a great character!! 

 

I am here with you brother all the way! We are in this together!! I admire you so much and I look to you for inspiration so often!! Try and remember the bigger picture in these moments! This is part of our plan brother! 

 

I will be praying brother! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey Gail!!! 

 

Max should be with you now!!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

Yeah! We've been too busy to write! We'll calm down. Later on the word game!

[gail]

Hello Scrat, this has been happening for me for the last ten and more years. When I'm in depression more, I go through this fear, in the morning till I take my Ativan. Not to say that's it great afterwards, but tolerable.

I can't think, that is why I go to the forum to focus on something else than the empty need, than my fear and it works. For a short time. I beg and cry to Jesus to set me free. I just got out of a 28 day period. Had to cancel my son and his fathers visit for Xmas. I feel somewhat guilty, but no way was I in the mood for visitors.

I've lessened the Ativan since, but always have some in reserve. Don't get rid of them, when you go through a period like this you need them. But the fear is quite something to go through.

Imagine, more than 10 years!!!! So painful and scary. I can relate to you so easily.

Did you have this before Citalopram? Check your log. I feel for you and as said London, progress is not linear. Could still be the cymbalta. That takes you by surprise when you no longer expected it. A chaque hour suffit sa peine, Jesus said that. So don't worry about tomorrow.

All my love to you Scratt and courage, you'll get through all this in the right time. Lovage++

[invalidusername]

Thanks for your words Gailage.

 

It is comforting that people understand what I am going through. I did sleep well last night but had the fear when I woke. 

 

My brain was better than yesterday, but I still had a lot of brain fog, which worried me because of all the times I have not been able to get rid of it before. I took an extra dose of my homeopathic remedy and it has cleared my head, but now I have quite nasty depression. I think the homeopathic pills clear my system, so taking them at the same time as my Citalopram may have reduced the dose of the Citalopram, but at least I can get up and out of bed and move around.

 

I still have my benzo, bit it is Diazepam (Valium) not Ativan. Interesting because reading the difference, is says "Ativan is also used to treat anxiety associated with depression". So it must have some use against depression because Valium doesn't do much at all for my depression. It helps calm anxiety most of the time, but it still leaves depression. I wonder whether Ativan would be better for me as I have more depression than anxiety. I would love to have something that would give me relief from moments like now when the depression is just too much and I need a rest...

 

Thanks again for your reply Gailage...

 

Much much lovage to you...

[fishinghat]

No help with depression from Ativan. What they are talking about is rebound anxiety after a bout of depression. When you have been depressed for a significant amount of time your body may overcompensate and send you into anxiety. Ativan is very effective for that.

[invalidusername]

Thanks Hat - makes more sense.

 

The client I saw this evening is a GP and she told me that diazepam is by far one of the worst benzos to prescribe (in terms of efficiency, tolerance and most of all, addiction). I asked her why the GP's continually prescribe it.. and the answer... anyone... anyone?

 

The cost. Old drug - peanuts to produce. So I pay £9 for 24 and the government see most of that once they take out the pittance they give the pharmacy.

[fishinghat]

"worst benzos to prescribe (in terms of efficiency, tolerance and most of all, addiction"

Efficiency? Agree Tolerance? Agree Addiction? In the top 10 but not near as addictive as clonazepam or lorazepam, Withdrawal Is not to bad compared to some of the other benzos.

[fishinghat]

LDN

Vitamin D3 - What dose, are you deficient? Have you had your levels checked in the last 3 months?

Why K2? Are you at risk for osteoporosis or broken bones? And what dose?

[invalidusername]

She mentioned clonazepam - of which I in turn mentioned its discussion on the forum.

 

If you can recall a few months ago Hat, I requested it from my GP, but was told he was not authorised to prescribe it... and the Mental Health team wouldn't let me have it either. 

 

It may be worth my while to change my GP to my client...

[fishinghat]

Clonazepam and lorazepam can be quite effective (for anxiety) but the withdrawal can be very bad.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Pleased to report that the brain malfunction wasn't there today, but it was replaced with depression instead. I am trying my best to let it be as this often happens after something like this. There is a trauma of some kind, and then my brain starts to evaluate how awful my life is and that it will never get better etc... and this is what brings on the depression. It is the "not worth getting excited about anything" and "may as well sit in bed all day" kind of depression. Very passive. The alcohol would well still be in my system and the citalopram may be affected. 

 

That said, I was able to indulge in forum, phone, carry on with the eBook update, and managed the one client I had booked for today and fixed my parents printer - so I got out for a couple of hours which I am quite happy about, otherwise when it comes back into full swing it will be very difficult. As Polly said to me earlier, it is so easy to get cabin fever this time of year what with little to do, the dark nights and so forth. 

 

What you say makes sense about rest periods being more tough than the exposures... they absolutely are as you are at the mercy of your thoughts, and you don't actually HAVE to do anything. Whereas with the exposures, you have to keep going. You get the job done and you feel better! And yes, for this nasty circumstances to occur at this time is just bad timing and I couldn't have got around it any other way. I just have to ride the storm. I just need a couple more days of stability. Today was OK and tolerable, so again, I hope this is now the direction reversing. 

 

The dips in the progress I still fear very much having got this far, but I look at how you have gone through and come out the other side. I need to remember that I can do that, and it doesn't matter if I hit a dip for some time. I guess I think that the longer I go without a dip, the less likely I will have one, but I know that isn't the way to think is it!! I need to practise acceptance and just tell myself that I will deal with something if it comes up. If I am always scared of it, I will only make it worse for myself as and when one comes along.... but this has always been my undoing.... and where I have always needed the most help.

 

I can see that you are also scared as you said - it isn't that easy is it!! I think you will be flat for the time being as you have been through a lot and your system isn't letting you get too excited about anything and holding reserves. It is like you can't quite trust "life" yet to keep you level - you are still very fragile and like I said the other day, if you let yourself get too positive, it is too far to fall again if you do slip. Again, all the acceptance stuff. This is what is great about our messages each day, that we can offer the perspective that the other needs, and see the real goings-on behind it all. Sorry that there hasn't mean much in the way of advice in my reply this evening, but when we are both in a bit of a neutral/flat area, it is difficult to summon up the right things to say!

 

Think I will read for a bit and top up my spiritual side. I have been leaning on this quite a lot today - remembering who we are and what we are here for... even if this life feels like a damn prison sentence at times!! But at least we can look forward to getting out!

 

My cat also does the MEOW game, but always tries to get louder each time - and wins!! I am not quite sure what I am saying either. I have been meaning to study the language of cats. My cat has so many noises too. Some far more annoying than others. 

 

Right - time for a read and relax. Eyes on the bog picture and the plan as you say!!

 

Love you very much brother...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother really feeling hugely weak tonight and very depressed. The depression has been building for the last few days, I could sense it but it wasn't come to the surface but today it did. Feel like you - can't think properly at all. The depression hit bad this afternoon but I was quite dazed so just tried to float through it. I feel so so exhausted. Very very similar to how I felt back in early November. Can barely write this to be honest. I am too weak and I just can't think at all. 

 

It is the sam pattern have a dip, pick up, then dip again. I did have a lot over Christmas this year but the big thing was the 2 weeks of intense anxiety right when it was going on. 

 

I am so so so sorry about being in this rubbish state tonight. I feel hollow and empty. Since November I have not been well. Just caught me in a weird head space tonight. Weakness, derealisation, depression in a combination together. Feel out of it tonight. 

 

I am so happy things were a bit better for you today. I have been thinking about you a lot and praying. So happy to hear you managed the forum, e book, client and fixed your parents printer!! Insane!! That is a fantastic effort!!! I am really proud of you brother!! 

 

I know how you feel about the fear of a dip coming. I had that so much. It is completely natural. But as I said my experience is recovery isn't linear, there are ups and downs. And as you said it is about having acceptance of the process. Ultimately it is tough and frustrating but if the general direction is up then that is what matters. It is also important to remember that being scared of having a dip won't stop a dip happening, so it is not a logical state of mind. Now applying this is so tough!! It took me so long, but it will come. Now I tell myself when I am afraid of something bad being around the corner - 'does worrying about this make it less likely to happen? No it won't, in fact if anything it might make me more vulnerable, so therefore there is no purpose to this worry, it is pointless'. As i say so tough but with time it is state we can reach. 

 

Like right now tonight I am not in a good place but at the same time I makes complete sense that such a crazy period would lead to some sort of crash. I achieved what I aimed for this Christmas and I am very pleased with that. My progress is on track. If I have to have some rubbish days, it is what it is. Obviously, I was recovering from a horrific dip in November and then had this 2 1/2 weeks of sympathetic nervous system overdrive - which would have completely worn me out. Then add the emotional toil of the party in the pub for my aunt, the drive down here, being here for the 1st time in 7 years in the winter, christmas eve being busy, then christmas day, then 5 hours 30 minutes with relations on Boxing Day, then one day off, then 3 hours with village friends!!! I remember the friday before Christmas having just such a horrific week of anxiety and thinking 'how on earth am I going to do this?' Thankfully going back on the C8 MCT oil helped the anxiety and I managed to make it down here. So all in all, where I am right now is not surprising to me. I said during the anxiety storm, depression will follow this, as it was so wearing me out. Thankfully the depression hit after Christmas Day and Boxing Day, so I got lucky really! 

 

It is unnerving having my energy drop so drastically, but I know I still have a good while to go in my Lyme recovery and I used up my monthly allocation of energy with the anxiety and Christmas events, so know I am running on empty - if that makes sense. Christmas came at a bad time this year for sure, but at least I can say I now have experience of doing it under difficult circumstances. When I came down in the summer I was doing well and stable for a while before hand, whereas this time it couldn't be a more difficult and unstable time leading up to it. So very different circumstances. 

 

I just tell myself as always - try my best and then leave the rest to God. There is no point trying to fight the plan! I let go and surrender. I am not in control of getting lyme or mental health problems but what I can control is to try my best and live with love in my heart. I am here - NOT FOR WHAT I WANT, BUT WHAT I NEED! I trust the plan, you can't fight the plan you know what I mean man? What I can control i will try my best and what I can't - let it be and go with the flow! I am curios for God's plan for me and let see what happens. It isn't easy but would an easy life be in my best interests? How well would an easy life prepare me for what is next? How much would I learn from an easy life? We chose our lives to be like this for a reason!

 

My cat has been following me most of the day man! I went for a brief walk in the dark in the garden and she came out - 1st time i have seen her outside since being down! Then she was just by my side as I walked up and down in the garden. Anytime she stopped I would walk ahead and then squat and straight away she would run to me! The moment I squat down - zoom she is off! Then she came to me in my sauna, the loo (LOL!!!), everywhere! I went to have my siesta, woke up she was where I left her sleeping and straight away she was up and following me!! I have never had a day like it with her!! My dad had her on his lap stroking her and then she saw me across the table, jumped out of his arms, climbed the table and run and jumped onto my lap!!! It is extraordinary man!!! She must really love my massages LOL!! I fear for her when I go to be honest man! At the same time I want to make the most of her while I am here! So it is tough one! I was on my tablet and she came and just fell asleep at my feet for 1/2 hour, at supper she was sitting on the chair next to me!!! I am worried she is getting too dependant on me. Would appreciate your advice brother! 

 

Anyway sorry this turned into such a rambling long post! At least I could things off my chest!! 

 

I will keep praying!! Well done again for today!!

 

Love you so much brother!

 

God Bless!