2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

I'll PM you later with some info, love-muffin...

 

gotta look at Hat's new project from today while I am still awake!

[LDN]

No problem gail! All the best with the radiotherapy.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your wife IUN. Would you say she has mainly anxiety or depression? Does she see a therapist? Patience is really important like who have said before. Keep on working on little steps. 

 

I hadn't heard of Claire Weekes, but I have done a lot of CBT, which has helped me hugely. 

 

My depression is of the most severe kind. I need to be medication to survive. It's been my life now for over 7 years. However, it is very annoying that cymbalta has such bad side effects. It hugely weakens me. Pity that antidepressants are such imperfect drugs, but I have no choice. Throw in my Lyme disease which along with fatigue means I can't cope with music, tv or radio, or any mental exertion apart from reading at the moment. Unfortunately I have a rubbish blood brain barrier, so the Lyme has caused havoc! A lot of people with Lyme are in wheelchairs, which I'm not, but I'm not too far off. I got to be honest it is a lot to deal with, especially at 26. Everybody else out there travelling, uni etc and I'm living like a monk. I do feel jealous at times, especially as I was so active before. But God has a plan for me, I have to trust in him. It's only my earthly body, my soul is strong!

 

I had another good day, saw 2 cousins. One of them for the first time in 6 years, which was lovely. I woke so depressed, so I'm blessed it went so well. 

 

So far the Testimony of Light is mind-blowing, fair to say like nothing I've read before. What a journey we are on!!

 

Yes very sunny, but must admit I love the wind and the rain! 

 

Peace

[gail]

London,

Loved your post and certain phrases here and there!

Only 26, you are built strong and have a beautiful soul!

I will check that testimony something. Love, Gail

[invalidusername]

Have been looking up a bit more about Lyme as I have to confess not knowing too much - I thought it was something shorter term, but good grief - looking at other peoples stories, I can but imagine what some days must be like for you. And... Avril Lavigne has it too! 

 

But really sounds like you are taking the metaphorical bull by the horns with your anxiety. Truly great stuff. Just keep thinking about all the inspirational reading that you are doing - I am so glad you like Testimony of Light. It spoke to me in some of my darkest days. I still come back to it when the depression takes hold - as you say, there is a plan for all of us. We just always see it. If we did, our lives would be a simple case of going through the motions. If we knew what was going to happen, some of us may choose not to undertake the life, but its the only way we can learn. If the "other" us, the spiritual side, did not think we could cope, then we wouldn't be where we are. 

 

A close friend of mine had a really bad case of ME whilst going through depression. I remember taking her out in her wheelchair. Six years on and she is almost recovered on both counts. It is amazing how strong some people can be - you are no exception London. An inspiration to us all here.

 

Claire Weekes is a must for all anxiety sufferers. I only have the audiobooks on the computer, and paperbacks. I will have a look to see if I can find anything, but her books are readily available on eBay for peanuts. I have all 5 of her books and they have really helped. This is a start;

 

https://europepmc.or...78&blobtype=pdf

 

On a final note, the wife had a really good breakthru just now. We went outside along a promenade with quite a few people just outside the town. I have horrible brain fog so was a bit light on my feet which also didn't help her nerves, but she did it and like you, felt really good as a result. We'll try again - weather permitting.

[fishinghat]

The area I live in is heavy with ticks and lyme disease as well as poisonous snakes, chiggers, Nile virus, mosquitoes, black widow and brown recluse spiders and wasting disease. 

[invalidusername]

Made the mistake of Googling what a chigger was.

 

Just when I thought my nausea had abated... 

[fishinghat]

Oh, I have a funny story about chiggers. My cousin was a real monster. Steal your toys, pull your hair and use terrible language. One 4th of July his family was down visiting and he had bought some fire crackers. He learned that if he would light them and toss them to the chickens they would run over and grab it thinking it was a bug and then the fire cracker would go off and blow the head off the chicken!!!. I told him to stop but he told me where to go. I decided to take him to the neighbors pond fishing. He was eager to go. On the trip I took him through every cow pasture in the area. Tick and chiggers love cows and I knew the grass would be full of them. Of course I put some gasoline on my pants legs as that keeps the ticks and chiggers off the person. HOWEVER, I forgot to tell my cousin. (On purpose of course). He must of got bitten 150 to 200 times. He was sick in bed for 3 days and it was the best vacation I have ever had with that cousin. My dad asked if I had done that on purpose. I knew better than to lie to my father so I told him the truth, I had. Much to my surprise my father did not get angry. He said 'Thanks for not lying. and I don't blame you.' He never punished me for that either.

[invalidusername]

LOL - well done! Justice served. As a vegetarian, my form of justice may have been more physical, and thanks to the government taking too long over banning live export of animals, I have a police record (a truck driver gave me the finger and called me something and I didn't take kindly to that). Oh - the joys of my youth. I may be a hippy, but a 6'4" hippy who doesn't stand for bad-mouthed hill billy truck drivers with no respect for animal welfare!

 

As nice as the story was, I still cannot get that bright red bug out of my head!!

[LDN]

Lovely words gail thank you! 

 

IUN - I'm also recovering from ME! It was at it's worst about 2 years ago. I'm being treated by Dr. Perrin. He's made some amazing discoveries regarding ME. 

 

So my bodies been assaulted with so many things you don't know what is what. The thing with lyme is you also get co-infections, at the moment I have Yersinia. I also got/had epstein-barr, cocksackie, chlamydia trachomatis. It was a real dirty tick that got me! Some people have to just be in a dark room all day. At my worst I was a bit like that, didn't leave the house for about 3 or 4 at all. I'm better than that now, but still very strong light and sound sensitivity. My recovery was going quite well, until my horrific withdrawal last summer. Since then I've regressed quite a bit. Recoveries are always a straight line though!

 

Thanks for your words about your friend. If I could be much better in say 4 or 5 years that would be lovely, but it's in God's hands and I trust his plan for me. 

 

 'If the "other" us, the spiritual side, did not think we could cope, then we wouldn't be where we are.' - That line is beautiful and really resonated! Thank you. 

 

So happy for your wife! Fantastic breakthrough!! I'm so happy. 

 

I'll have a look at that from Claire Weekes - excellent! 

 

Testimony of light is brilliant, almost an out of body experience reading it! So many beautiful moments. 

 

Fishinghat - keep safe! 

[LDN]

Meant to say - recoveries aren't always a straight line!!

 

Must say the depression been bad last 24 hours. Really feeling in a rut. Just feel so overwhelmed with the mental pain, disorientation, isolation. Feel like I'm losing touch with reality a lot of the time. My shoulders are heavy. Having a sick body and sick mind is hard work to fight I have to say! Almost in tears with my sense of futility. 

 

All your lovely words help no doubt! Thanks so much!

 

Off to read Testimony of Light. 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Loosing sense of reality is exactly it. And it is when the reality hits back in - at that very moment - I find I am at my weakest. Sometimes it is just a few seconds, when I have been hidden in my laptop, other times when I have not been able to get out all weekend, it can last a lot longer.

 

Can't believe all the stuff you are going through. I am even scared to Google the ones I do not know. My goodness. It certainly puts perspective on things. But it is here that I am saddened to say I am also joining you on this lovely day, confined to the bed. I can only assume that at day 9 that this is my withdrawal that has really hit. I've got the shakes, weakness, dizziness, nausea. Getting to the bathroom is a mammoth task in itself. Horrible to look outside to see how everyone is enjoying the day. But I must be grateful for yesterday and the goodness that this has brought.

 

I am going back to The Challenging Light now. I need to read what I can when I can. I feel like I need to just slump in the bed, but that will not help!

 

Keep fighting the good fight.

 

God Bless

[gail]

Sweet London, dear Scrat,

I got up only one hour ago. And I read your posts, it simply hurts to see how you Are fighting for your life. I'm with you for the suffering. I know how scary it is.

Even though I had a good feeling upon getting up, so not used to this. Second day in six weeks.

A real story here. Mom and dad passed away in 2003-2004. In 2004, On Easter night, I was dreaming that the phone was ringing, in my dream, I got up, picked up the phone, it was dad, saying/ Gail, how are you/ his voice was so happy. Well, same thing happened with mom during this Easter night asking in a joyous voice/ how are you Gail/. I was so happy, at last she called after 16 years.

Prayers are sent now. Will see you later, love, Gail

[invalidusername]

It was them Gail - no question.

 

The veil put up by our stubborn material matter is at its thinnest whilst asleep. She knows what you are going through and you were clearly at a point to let her through. Remember when we are at our worst, we unknowingly block out the help and communication from the Other Side. But so glad to hear of this. Keep your eyes open for anything else.

 

Wonder if our dear London knows about your stone?? That is also a true blessing.

 

Much love.

[gail]

Scrat, can you expand a little bit more?

On my way to let her through.......what do you mean by that?

Block the help and communication.... in what way?

PS I don't really want to communicate, it's scary, and would God approve?

Yes, London, my precious rocks. I'll be happy to tell you about it unless Scrat can find the thread in which it was. June 2016.

[invalidusername]

We are all helped by more than God. Those who have gone before are watching over us from up there. I frequently talk to those that I miss who have passed - and they hear us. Nothing scary, but if they feel they want to get in touch to let us know they are still around, this is what I believe they will do. The only way we can - or need - to communicate to them is by prayer. God would not allow anything that would in any way cause us distress. You said yourself "she called after 16 years". That's it. It is simply that you have gone through a very rough patch and I think she just wanted you to know that she is looking after you as best she can. 

 

Some things are not always obvious. I woke up once after seeing my grandfather in a dream remembering the nail on his left thumb was flat as if it were hit with a hammer. Unknown to me, I had developed the same thing. Flat nail - left thumb. Nothing had caused it. I confirmed this with my mom, who also thought it strange, but agreed it was my way of staying in touch with my grandfather. 

 

Nothing at all to be concerned. They don't have email or mobiles up there, so they do what they can!!

 

I understand that not everyone may share my views being spiritualist, but I have spent a long time looking at all the avenues and come to these conclusions through my own thoughts, observations and beliefs. My purpose in passing my thoughts on is only to comfort and help.

[gail]

Scrat,

Thank you, I now understand. Lovage, Gailage

[LDN]

NotMyself really lovely words thank you! 

 

Gail I'm so happy for you. Your story gave me warmth! Please tell me of the stone?

 

IUN - so sorry to hear about your day, what bravery you show, but saw on another thread you had a roast and a movie, so well done!!

 

Must say the depression is really bad right now. It's an awful illness. It runs in my family. I lost my aunt to it, I never met her. Other relations have it. At times it feels like I'm just a replica of my aunt. Genetics are a scary. I feel like I'm losing my battle right now. I'm just so out of touch. I can't feel any happiness at all. I feel like half of me is already dead. My hearts still beating but I'm not really living. I'm so sorry to bring this to you, it's not a depression forum so I apologise! But the community of love here helps so much, so I had to get it off my chest. 

 

I'm not sacred of death but I love my family so if I could ask a huge favour it would be for a few prayers. Again sorry but I know prayers work and I need anything right now. 

 

Thank you and god bless all here on this loving, special community! You are helping healing me in the face of this great storm.

 

Finally Happy Easter!!

 

'He has risen!' (Mark 16:6)

 

'Neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord' (Romans 8:39)

 

'My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever' (Psalm 73:26)

 

'I will see Him for myself; my eyes will behold him and not as a stranger. How my heart yearns within me' (Job 19:27)

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hi London.

 

Yes, the evening was much better yesterday - but largely due to my herbal remedies. 

 

I can really feel your pain London, and there is absolutely no harm in bringing up how you feel. This forum isn't just about Cymbalta - we are here for support regardless of the origin of your pain. What you describe, again makes a lot of sense. I am looking outside and it feels like a whole other world. One that I simply cannot engage in at the moment, and there is also no desire to join it. Yes, my depression has increased significantly overnight. I need to let it be and try my best not to fight it. We are tired, and these things are worse when labouring under a tired mind. 

 

Both yourself and Gail have been in my prayers, and continue to be. You are both going through so much at the moment, and I think you came along at the right moment London - for your sake and ours. There is strength in togetherness. I fear there may be some tough days ahead this end and need to keep finding strength, but remember, we don't need to go too far in the way we do this...

 

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

 

God Bless

[gail]

My dear London and my dear Scrat,

I've been reading your posts and boy, do I ever feel the pain. I feel it as much as I can feel mine.

London, may it be that Cymbalta withdrawal is worsening that depression? Even though you tapered correctly, as Fishinghat says, symptoms can linger up to a year. Correct me if I'm wrong Fishinghat.

And Scrat is right when he says that you came in at the right time. The three musketeers. Missing one. Thank you for being there London. Since I'm not a person with many words, I will tell you about my two precious stones.

June 26th, 2016. The anxiety is high, I'm nervous, I'm in one of my phases, which doesn't help. In 4 days, I will have my kidney removed. Combined to the fact that I'm in my phase, I feel desperate. Crying and crying.

I'm sitting at the edge of the sofa as I look outside the patio door. There is a little carpet in front of the door. There is something on the carpet. I get up and to my surprise, it's a beautiful little satiny stone. I pick it up, I'm flabbergasted. There are reds and browns, black streaks. Impossible, I say.

I link this to God's doing and I'm so happy. The day passes.

June 27th 2016 I'm sitting on the lazy boy, talking on the phone with my best friend.
There is an ant walking on the floor, I make my friend wait, so I can pick it up to put her on the balcony. I'm on my knees as I put her on the balcony and what do I see? Another stone, much bigger, satiny, same kind and I almost lost my breath as I picked it up. So beautiful.

I live on the fourth floor, last floor. As I write, they are in front of me. London, I've been blessed. I'm like a zombie all day. They followed me to the hospital. Ever since, I look at them every day, they sit on my desk in security.

Fishinghat said that it's a message telling me that God is my rock! Few people believe me, I don't mind, I Know. Now, I need a rest. See you later, love, lovage.

[invalidusername]

Thanks for sharing again Gailage. You also forgot the part about the rock itself not originating from anywhere remotely near to where you are. If they were sure of where it came from in the first place. It is truly incredible that a rock should materialise in your apartment on the top floor. It is like when I found a white feather inside my gas filler cap. No means of it getting in there from outside. I simply cannot explain it. 

 

Hope you are both doing well as I write. Cymbalta withdrawal can make anything worse - nothing surprises me anymore! 

[gail]

My pleasure Scrat, I also forgot to say that they were magnetic..God made sure that I would stay attached to Him,.

A good day here, hope you both have a nice one also.

[invalidusername]

A good day here, hope you both have a nice one also.

 

Don't worry about me - this is good to hear!! Hope for us all...

[LDN]

Hello friends!! The 3 musketeers! I love that! Strength in solidarity! 

 

Man the last 24 hours! I could write a novel on it! To summarise last night was terrifying. I was possessed by unimaginable pain, fear, disorientation. Physically I could barely walk or breath. My body now still is recovering. However, I feel straight asleep when I got in bed. Then this morning I woke feeling much better. I walked all the way down the street and back, in a very calm and confident way! Since then I felt okay. I'm living in complete dream state right now, last night dreams didn't really feel different to 'reality'. If I wasn't hurting so much It would be pretty cool!

 

Gail amazing! I believe you! I'm honoured you shared that with me! You are a warrior and give me so much strength! Love!

 

IUN - I finished The Testimony of Light last night. To me it is no coincidence that I found your wise soul on here at a time of spiritual awakening for me. I look forward to learning more under you. I like to write poetry and wrote an aphorism a few days ago that I think is in tune with much of Sister Frances' words. It is - Division is illusion, Love is reality. I've been saying it to keep me going. 

 

Sorry I sound a bit mad, my mind is very confused and in flux right now. But I think I should embrace it rather than fight it? Go with it even though it's strange. My paradigms are shifting. I'm either going mad or seeing the truth? Maybe both lol! Your words have connected deeply with me. God's timing is always right! 

 

I'm going to to try and just take all this pain and just ride with it. Not put attachments or meaning on it but just observe. 'Be still and know that I am God' (Psalm 46:10). 

 

I hope Gail and IUN you both have good days! Shout out for help whenever! Sorry for another long post!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey London!

 

Bit of a mixed bag by the sounds! Think its great that you are making it down the street and back... but it will exhaust you mentally, which in turn exhausts physically. The two work off each other. And again, what you are saying here really puts things in perspective. To be going through those symptoms and getting out of bed to go for a walk, you are doing so well. Just remember - baby steps.

 

So, you have finished the book? So good isn't it. The descriptions of the Other Side are just amazing, but it is not like the commercial books that I have read that leave you thinking that they are written to just be sold. But no, none of these magnificent pearly buildings and angels and wotnot, its the flowers, the gardens, the colours, the education system. Much more palatable, thus encouraging.

 

I went through a period of insane restlessness last night and just counldn't relax, and have woken after 4 hours sleep (5 last night), so I am really shattered. Mood is a bit more stable at the moment, but I am getting nervous about these lingering systems of insane brain fog and internal shakes. 

 

Never worry about length of your posts - it makes great reading. The Psalm verse would have been quite fitting last night.. be still... when you have restlessness!!

[gail]

London,

As IUN said, don't worry about long posts, I love reading you.

You often talk about pain, I wondered if you took something for it.

Thank you for your kind words, I also get strength from reading you. I feel you so much as though it was myself. IUN is also a source of inspiration. All that suffering and being able to bring others hope and calm. I love you both dearly.

[invalidusername]

Sorry Gail - reached my quota for likes, but wanted to add to yours. Very kind of you to say. Hope the elevated mood from yesterday is continuing.... love love lovage

[gail]

Thanks Scrat, sorry to say that yesterday was yesterday and today a whole different matter!!!
Tears and tears, my soul should be sooo clean by now...lovage...let it be, right?

[invalidusername]

I got my likes back, so have been able to add now!

 

Just missed your post before I went off to work - and can see that today hasn't quite worked out. The three musketeers must pull together! 

 

Did you find anything from the library about the book? I would really like you to read it. I think it will help lift spirits. There are a couple of second-hand copies on Canadian Amazon for around $6... bargain!

[LDN]

So sorry gail we each seem to be taking turns right now! I'm here for you! We'll get through together! Sending my love!! I do have physical pain in my legs but it's mostly mental pain. I'm not taking anything for my legs. I used to take paracetamol but I starting taking it all the time so now I just try and put up with it.

 

My day was better. Have improved since Sunday night for sure. My legs hurt, but depression is ok which is more important. 

 

IUN I sleep pretty well, so I'm really sorry for you, wish I could swap places so you could have a good night sleep, but then you have my weakness and depression so?? Sorry about brain fogs, I've been very very spaced for the last few days. Almost tripping. It's very weird but I'm just trying to ride with it like I said. Honestly pretty out of it!! Feel like I'm floating?! IUN do think this is just depersonalisation?? Btw hope your wife is ok?

 

Yes IUN finished it on Sunday night. Wonderful. It backed up a lot of my intuitions. I really liked all the stuff about kindness being of greater significance than intelligence or skill. Also, about the earthly world being illusory and spirit being the the real truth. My body and mind are so sick, so if it wasn't for spirit what would I have? Jesus was so close to the poor and poor in spirit for a reason! When your ill you can't just go through the motions, which a lot of people who aren't ill can. Your forced to face the difficult questions of life, which others aren't. 

 

I find it very hard to accept this body of mine. But I would rather have a sick body than a sick soul. It's tough the mental and physical pain but all my energy is directed into transcending this body. It's tough but I'm trying. This is all a bit vague but I'm in transition and just trying to make sense of things! 

 

Gail I will pray you wake up to a beautiful morning!

IUN I will pray for your restlessness and wife!

 

God Bless