401 replies to this topic

[AnotherMind]

AM,

 

I understand what you're going through...I also feel at rock bottom..scheduling social plans is tenuous because who knows how i'll feel that day?...

 

My world is so small. Do you know what I mean?

 

it's just not fair for all of us to lose so much and feel little control over our lives.  But I know that God is good and I pray that He will help us find a faster way out of this...

 

Itty bitty

that's exactly it. Our lives are suddenly reduced to managing and enduring the unknown nature of each coming hour. The perimeters shrink dramatically. I totally know what you mean. And no predicatbility...very paralizing.

 

Here's hoping for a broader horizon some day soon!!!

 

The prevalence of visual issues described here is alarming - Im so sorry for those of us whose worlds are so blighted by this.

 

Courage to you all for the day ahead.

[thismoment]

"My momma always said, Cymbalta withdrawal is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get." 

 

(with apologies to Eric Roth, Forrest Gump screenplay, 1994)

[ittybittysmitty]

hahahahaha...that's so true!!!

 

So i am confused about everyone's names...this moment/like a family member...which one do you prefer? Advanced Member/Another mind...?

 

Do any of you take meclazine for dizziness? You can find it OTC...It's been a lifesaver for my zaps...I still have them but not as bad...

[TryinginFL]

Hi ittybitty!

 

To answer your question - if you notice, your name appears in the blue border above your message - it says 'ittybittysmitty'.  Above where your picture would be is how you have been rated by the site based on your number of posts - in your case it says "Advanced Member".   I believe mine says "Great Friend" and TM is "Like a Family Member" and so on...

 

As far as brain zaps, I can't help you there since that is one of the few things I did NOT have.

 

I hope you are feeling better.. 

[ittybittysmitty]

Thank you TryinginFL,

 

Well, it's good to hear you didn't suffer that way..

 

Where are you in your journey? 

 

I see my psychiatrist today and will read him the riot act for dropping me so quickly.))

 

Hope you have a fantastic sunny day

[ittybittysmitty]

Hi AnotherMind,

 

How are you feeling today?

 

Taking adderall this morning added fuel to my withdrawal anxiety, yet without it I can't think or focus! ARRRGH. So I took to Klonopin and that settled me down.

 

I'm sorry you cannot continue with your PhD...but after you get through this, better days are ahead...keep your chin up!

[thismoment]

ittybittysmitty

 

"So i am confused about everyone's names...this moment/like a family member...which one do you prefer? Advanced Member/Another mind…?"

 

The real names are in blue. The grey ones above the photo or avatar are put in by the forum software. They change over time and the new term reflects how many posts you've made: Newbie; Advanced Member; Great Friend; Like a Family Member etc.

 

I found it a little confusing at first too.

[AnotherMind]

Hi AnotherMind,

 

How are you feeling today?

 

Taking adderall this morning added fuel to my withdrawal anxiety, yet without it I can't think or focus! ARRRGH. So I took to Klonopin and that settled me down.

 

I'm sorry you cannot continue with your PhD...but after you get through this, better days are ahead...keep your chin up!

Hi Itty B.Smitty

Sorry you are going through the unfocused, anxious part - it's horrible.

 

I had a fantastic symptom-free day yesterday so went on a work-bender  (uh-oh) - cleaned the house, the car, tried a new sculpting material, planted things in the garden - and now I feel HIDEOUS.... LOL.

 

(I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia also - so not sure what's what and the mo..)

 

All I know is that I'm grrrrumpy as hell, dizzy again and feel like the fossilized woman today. 

 

Hope your day is good. Chins raised defiantly.

[AnotherMind]

Oh fatigue, nausea, pain and confusion back in spades....

what an unpredictable journey.

[FiveNotions]

AM, it could well be "blow-back" from your really active/productive day this Wednesday (I may be off on the date?).... You had a great day, but just over did things....and now you're having it's "equal but opposite" reaction.....isn't that one of those physics rules? (A subject I avoided like the plague in school...wrong side of my brain....)

Me, I'm awake with anxiety....it's hitting me more frequently, and harder, these past couple of weeks....I used the last of my tiny supply of benzos, and am relying on a couple of amino acids...theanine and tryptophan...and gaba...also, I've just started taking a bit of my old beta blocker, which I haven't needed in months.....as my bp spikes hugely when this hits....all help, but not when it's bad....I woke up with it just now...that rushing tingling feeling in my upper arms, feeling like my face is flushing (but it's not) and roller coaster sensation in my stomach....but I can't take a beta blocker, as my bp is really too low (105/64) because I used the blocker last evening....

I had really begun to believe that I'd made it through this process without anxiety looming too large....but my external life is less than ideally stable.....I think it's the fact that I'm still unemployed and having trouble finding a job (that part time gig at the library doesn't seem to be coming through...I need to call to confirm, but I'm terrified of rejection)....I'm living off my savings (scary)..

. and I'm having a problem with one of my few friends ...now that I'm sane again, I realize that he has an alcohol problem and has become "over attached" to me, as in seemingly a narcissist....when I was on the poison I isolated so much..... I've let friendships with other friends...healthy friends...go by the wayside....

Blessedly, I have an appointment with my witch doc later this morning...he's a crappy doc, but at least he'll give me a benzo rx...and I can tell him about the newly realized friend problem....

I hate, just hate, what I became on this poison....I wasn't sane....I appeared to be to the outside world, but my mental interior was so damned dark and twisted....and I didn't even realize it was happening to me....

But, I'm off it now....and sanity is returning..in the time remaining to me on this earth..I will rebuild my life....

I apologize for the long litany of sorrows....haven't had a good vent/rant in ages....please bear with me my forum friends!

[AnotherMind]

FN - Such a sad post - but I get it. The reverberations of this experience run so deep, ramifications so broad.

 

I have no confidence that I'll ever be able to work again - feel like Ive lost credibility in my professional circles (I had to cancel a solo show at a good theatre last year when I cracked - the director has dropped me like a hot cake!). No body wants you when your'e broken.

I turned down a PhD that came with a scholarship last week - my mind feels too disordered to take on anything.

For the time-being Im living (mercifully) on welfare - but it's certainly hard to get to grips with the change in status...tempting to stay hidden rather than face up to the awkward questions about future etc, etc.

 

I self-isolated for three years and only have a couple of friends left - one core friend whom I trusted sent me a 'dismissal letter' from our friendship last year accusing me of 'not being there for her' - and I wasnt, I couldnt be. She misinterpreted my distance as a critique of her and wont hear my side of the story.

It's shattered my confidence with people (which was never great in the first place). Frienships are fraught arent they - and sometimes with a change in perspective the imperfections/unhealthy parts can come into focus and it's so confronting.

 

Dont apologize for the littany of sorrows - we've all got them -

I think Im scared that in the process of getting off Cymbalta I'll be faced with a self that's just as unwell and diminished as the person that seemed to emmerge these last 4 years while on the drug. Who knows.

 

whatever the case we can but hope to walk back out into the light, air and ...sanity.

 

xxxx

 

my benzos ain't working now...

 

I tried to express the self-isolation with this little sculpture. Its a bit analagous to emerging from the Cymbalta bubble too...

Attached Files

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[AnotherMind]

"I appeared to be to the outside world, but my mental interior was so damned dark and twisted....and I didn't even realize it was happening to me....
But, I'm off it now....and sanity is returning..in the time remaining to me on this earth..I will rebuild my life...."

 

 

Looking at your words again -its so true FN. And the apparent contradiction of 'surface normality' and internal conflict makes being in the world, let alone socially engaged, agonising!

We will rebuild our lives...

[ittybittysmitty]

I had a fantastic symptom-free day yesterday so went on a work-bender  (uh-oh) - cleaned the house, the car, tried a new sculpting material, planted things in the garden - and now I feel HIDEOUS.... LOL.

 

(I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia also - so not sure what's what and the mo..)

 

AM, 

 

I'm so sorry for your rollercoaster ride...i'ts almost like the Cymbalta is a little devil disguised as a capsule and tricks us into thinking it's over and we're free...then back to how you're feeling today...Are you taking a benzo like Five Notions? They help me...

 

I flipped out yesterday...yelling screaming, dissassociating, zaps, etc...my doc is putting me on Paxil now instead of Celexa to help the anxiety part...BUT, this morning i feel FANTASTIC...WTH?

 

I too have Fibro..is that why you were prescribed the evil drug? It helped me tremendously but at a cost to my sanity...So i want to help you understand it....go to cfidsselfhelp,org...they have a wealth of information on fibro...or you can go to fmaware.org...also, i found joining facebook support group extremely helpful since most of us are disabled and not employed, so you will be received in love.

 

"tempting to stay hidden rather than face up to the awkward questions about future etc, etc."  

             yes, i understand....especially in your case with so much success...so unfair for your tremendous talent to be hibernating...i squirm when someone asks me what i 'DO" it's easier to hole up in the house...So you are not alone my friend! I am also on 'welfare' ...in America you can apply for disability insurance...it pays my bills. so i can't complain...but every day i ask God, what are your plans for me? Why is this happening? I try to tell myself that my worth is not tied to what I do but who I am...this world looks at success as the end all and be all of self worth...but then who are we when something like this happens? My faith keeps me going, knowing that I will spend eternity with God... I hope you aren't offended at this...some forums are against sharing faith, so I apologise...don't mean to preach.

 

To your comment about having a few friends...I have isolated for years as well...for fear of being rejected for having no career, etc....It's a challenge to find supportive people who care about us regardless of our 'status'...i feel ashamed for only having a few friends...but I'm not a social butterfly anyway...

 

I hope this helps and please hang in there. it has to get better!!

[ittybittysmitty]

Five Notions,

 

Vent anytime..that's why we're all here...

 

Not many people understand this process but us...

 

Can you get a refill of your benzo? Klonopin helps me quite a bit...i hope your doc appointment goes well....keep us posted...

 

much love,

[FiveNotions]

Oh, thank you AM.....I understand...feel...what you shared about your own losses thanks to this poison...having this wonderful, safe place to come to....any time, day or night....is a huge saving grace for me....and in my current state of mind, I'm of course wondering if I'm too dependent on it...on all of my fellow members....if this place were to go poof into the cyber bald hole I do not know what I'd do...

Saying that just now....I realize that it's now time for me to find a therapist....are there any good ones who accept medicaid I wonder? Oh well, even a bad one will do....

I'm also going to start going to 12 step meetings again.....I think I belong in al-anon more than AA....but I'll ask the witch doc that as well...I need to find a safe place to talk and share out here in the physical world ....and being with others who are/have been broken is what feels safe to me right now.....

And, in my litany of sorrows above, I forgot to add that I anticipate losing my dear friend (and former spiritual director before his health failed) ...the very elderly priest I've been visiting so often in the nursing home....I see that I've also become dependent on that....esp since I've been unemployed....which pretty much coincides with when I first got of crapalta.....being in the nursing home several times a week, for hours each time has become another safe haven for me....another way to stay out of the world....

So, having said that, today after my doc appointment I'm supposed to go out there for a visit....the first thing I'm going to do when I arrive is make a visit to another retired priest who lives there....he's much younger, and is there because a stroke partially paralyzed him...but he's totally "with it" mentally, and a very kind soul.....I'm going to talk to him about the pending loss of my friend etc....

Oh gee, I rambled on again...time to go see the witch doc!

[ittybittysmitty]

can anyone tell me why i felt great this morning until i took my cymbalta?

 

the celexa causes dizziness too.

 

i told some friends on a meetup group i can drive to an event tomorrow...what? thats an example of the crazy thinking this crap causes!

[TryinginFL]

FN, Ittybitty and AM...
 
My heart goes out to all of you - I am so sorry that you have all found yourselves in this horrid place (again, FN).  I was shocked when I started these awful symptoms "all over again".   I was doing well after 5 months and the past week I find that the depression has been getting worse each day and weeping is often again - perhaps I am feeling sorry for myself, I don't know, but it makes doing anything an enormous chore. 

 

I lack any motivation and actually dread getting out of bed each morning as I know what the day will be like.  I pray that this siege will not be as long-lasting. 

 

I understand about wanting to "hole up" in the house, as that explains things perfectly.  I don't want to see or talk to anyone and find comfort on this site and with you, my dear friends.

 

The nature of this drug, it seems, is to put you through hell during withdrawal until you finally feel human again and then come right back and bite you in the butt again!

 

I am retired, have arthritis and fibro and a limited income.  Ain't life grand?   Thankfully, I have 2 small dogs who are my saviors and truly beat any human company at this point.  I need their unconditional love...

    

I am still taking Alprazolam and Hydrocodone and they may continue to be my way of life - I have no plan to stop taking them at this time.

 

I am being awakened frequently with extreme cramping in my calves - just another one of the fun s/e's.

 

Sorry to be venting again, but I remain shocked  -  how can this be happening again??

 

I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and look forward to your posts...

 

Hugs,

Liz

 

PS AM, I love your sculpture - it is so appropriate!

[fishinghat]

IBS, right now your body is struggling to find stability and adapt to being without as much cymbalta and accepting the new Celexa. As the cymbalta drops and the celexa stabilizes those swings should slowly calm down and become more tolerable.

[ittybittysmitty]

TryinginFL,

 

I am retired, have arthritis and fibro and a limited income.  Ain't life grand?    Thankfully, I have 2 small dogs who are my saviors and truly beat any human company at this point.  I need their unconditional love.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this rollercoaster...why are you going back to being in a worse state? How long have you been off it and are you on a replacement? My thoughts and prayers are with you today...may God give you the strength to endure this today....

 

We're in the same boat...arthritis, fibro and little income....I have found many great websites and groups on facebook for support, in case you haven't already done that...

 

Aren't dogs the best? They don't judge just love us constantly...my dog gigi is the best thing that has ever happened to me!! What breeds are yours?

 

I will post a pic of Gigi soon and also pic of one of the spoons I paint with nail polish..

 

Much love,

 

IBS

[gail]

My dear Liz, so sorry you are going through a hard period.

 

You have had so many good days, I should say weeks, in the last months, they will be back.

 

There must be something in the USA air, as I see that many of you who were enjoying good periods are going through a rough time.

 

FN, so good for you to be able to be in contact with people who have a spiritual way of living, (priests) I do envy you.

 

I have also become addicted to this forum, it's part of my daily routine. Cant do without. I learn a lot here and I hurt when people hurt, am happy when others are doing good.

 

Prayers to all, this too shall pass.

[AnotherMind]

"I too have Fibro..is that why you were prescribed the evil drug?"

 

 IttyBitty thanks for your kind response - was put on Cymblata primarily for Major Depressive disorder (black dog has been with me since childhood) and with the added hope that my pain levels might be subdued.

 

Im still not sure if I have fibro - a rhuematologist said more than likely... I have a hypermobile body so Ive equally been told that it could be hypermobility related, but I also have a raised ANA so Im being monitired for Lupus. So who knows???

This embodiment has never been easy, but hey, who's is?

Im at that point where Im questioning the pathologising process and that's really been kicked along by realising that things had declined so badly on Cymbalta.

 

p.s IttyBitty I reached a point with weaning off Cymbalta where I felt WORSE when I took it too - it's the equalibrium shifting I believe.

 

 

It has really been wonderful to have access to this forum while going through this - so I thank you all for holding cyber hands across the globe.

 

FN, TyinginFL,  all of you

I wish you all the gift of a gentle day....

 

What a wonderful supportive online community you are.

[AnotherMind]

anybody else feeling weakness in their limbs? I can hardly walk today leg pain so acute.

 

Feeling acutely scared that this will last forever. Depression back.

[fishinghat]

I didn't have any leg pain but I sure had the rest of the symptoms. Thank God they fade with time.

[TryinginFL]

I only have severe cramping in my calves which wakes me up every morning - they remain sore for some time but I don't have trouble

walking.

 

AM - I feel certain that this will ease for you...

[thismoment]

AM

 

I did have weakness in thighs and calves to the point where it was painful to walk up stairs. The next day it was gone. It got less and less frequent for probably almost a year. Then it went away.

[Wagtail]

Far out - I cannot believe how much pain I'm in!!  Feels like my shin bones are crumbling and I can't sit for pelvic pain. Everyday it migrates to another place in my body. Unsettling.

AM, it's working it's way out of your body ...hang in there my friend you are on the road to recovery ...good days ahead ..xx

[AnotherMind]

A bit exciting - two days of precarious but definite clarity and managable pain.

Went to the coast and walked for miles - pushed through pain and fatigue and found a quiet grounded-ness I have not felt for a couple of years.

 

yey!

 

Hope it is improving for others as we move down this river towards recovery.

 

xxxx

[FiveNotions]

Wonderful news, AM!

Now, just be careful...you may have some "blowback" a day or two after the good days...and, don't overdo on the days you feel good...that'll help the good days prolong...the first good day I had, maybe three months ago or a bit longer, I cleaned my apartment for ten hours.....waaaay too much...put me in bed for the next four days! ;-)

[thismoment]

AM

 

That's wonderful news! 

 

". . . as we move down this river towards recovery."

 

Please allow me to mess with your metaphor: Rather, this is Recovery River, the process. The white water, the eddies, rock gardens, and turbulence gracefully transform into smooth sections that flow silently into placid pools and beside still waters. And soon, Recovery River anonymously merges with that peaceful Ocean that is the rest of your life.

 

Take care.

[fishinghat]

Thismoment

 

You finally brought clarity to my problem!! Now I know why I had such a hard time with the cymbalta withdrawal. I can't swim!!

 

lol