2348 replies to this topic

[gail]

Perhaps not a bad idea. You would be there for your dad. The wife would be less lonely.im sure that your mom would love this. Well, I just love that idea. Sid sends his love.

[invalidusername]

You make a very good point actually Gail...! Nothing like a man in his 40's still living with his parents

 

Or we could move to Canada and live with you, and we can live off brownies and Kratom

 

Much love to you my dear - thank you for making me smile...

[invalidusername]

Evening man... totally washed out this end, so will be a quickie as have already nodded off, which at 2am is really early for guys like us! We really have got into the politics of this stuff over the last couple of nights haven't we!?! But rightly so. Years ago it was therapy first, and even amino acids before these crazy things went anywhere near us. Even then, it was 6-9 months tops. I cannot believe how they have managed to become a one-stop shop for all mental health needs. But no need to apologise - I have the same sentiments towards it all as you can clearly see from my replies!

 

Interested to hear this wierd stuff you speak of, so please let me know.. by PM or whatever. But do you think stagnated is the right word for you? I think you needed time to sort out the Duloxetine and more than anything you have found your sprituality - something which may easily have been delayed had you been looking avidly into all these crazy treatments!

 

I am pleased to say that today was much easier. I still awoke feeling very uneasy, but I allowed myself to stay put, not move, and really get around the thoughts that I have been having. I have become scared of them. This is the problem. I was getting scared as soon as they came at me, but as you said once before, it is not the thoughts, it is what you do with them. So I am doing what I can to train myself to not get scared at the first sign of them, and switch my attention over to my breathing when they do occur. I was doing this for three hours after I woke up... but I think it will have a positive outcome. Although I felt somewhat mentally exhausted from it, my mood was much better - verging on a semi-normal day which is something I am very grateful for.

 

I will think more on the music front, but interesting that you mention the correlation between the depression and the music. But that said, when people are low, they want quiet for the most part. If the wife is playing music when I come in from work feeling really low, I will ask her to turn it off. I won't even meditate as the sound will cause its own problems and the last thing I want to do is associate music with increasing my depression, so I just don't give it the opportunity. So it isn't like I need to hear it before I know it will have this impact, I just know I don't want to hear it. Can you relate to that too? This obviously means is it psychosomatic rather than neurological, thus meaning it can be reversed... We shall see.

 

Right, need to rest. Looking forward to hearing of some good news from your day as we seem to be following a parallel course at the moment!

 

Really grateful for your support and listening to my ranting this week - for that and much more, I send much love.

 

God bless

[LDN]

Yes fantastic! I'm so pleased today was a bit better! Even if only slightly it will have given you some relief and also some hope that things will improve. Like you I'm a bit empty headed tonight, a bit spaced out. But really really pleased the day was ok. Next time things get bad, you can remember that. The really good thing is that your not in a permanent state of hell, full time. I have been in states with basically no let up and it's just brutal. Even if you have just one good day out of 7, trust me it makes a huge difference. You probably know this as well. Having those little pockets of peace and feeling ok, they make one hell of difference. Small victory I know, but still! 

 

So today I went back to the health food shop for the 2nd time, and bought some of my supplies. I woke up late as I sleeping so much at the moment, because of this extra exhaustion. So as I was behind schedule I was not sure whether I should go, but I determined to not let fears get the better of me, so I went. In end it was actually pretty easy and basically no anxiety. I was not expecting that, because I was behind I thought I would be pretty stressed. But my training helped me float through it! Shows you can't predict how you are going to react when it comes to the anxiety! It's mad hot in London, so was nice to get out as well. Then tonight I did well. Glastonbury is special place for me. I've been twice. First went after GCSE's with some mates, was just absolutely incredible!!! The place I go in Somerset is pretty near the site of the festival. So every year if I can I love to watch it, as it holds such good memories for me. Anyway was gutted I was going to miss it this year. But then tonight I saw it was on and the adrenaline took over and I thought I'l just try a little and see how it goes. So went on my laptop over to Iplayer and then managed watch 30 mins 45 mins of it. Was a massive shock. So super happy about that and hopefully a sign the inflammation is getting a bit better. Ironically, was actually feeling really sensitive to sound when I went out. Anyway in the past moments like this suggest I will improve in a month or so, so we'll have to see. I'm not expecting anything, but from a purely neurological perspective my brain was able to do something it mostly can't so it showed it has the capability, which shows it's not permanent damage. Although I know it's not permanent, it's good to just be reminded. Though as I say not getting carried away, the music came back a bit in February and then went again. It just got bad again and I didn't build on it. I was feeling super sensitive just last weekend actually when my brother was watching tv, so it all over the shop to be honest. Like with my reading, I will just let it be and give it time. Until they put powerful anti-inflammatories on the market, which my doctor for lyme told me their working on, I have to let it self heal. 

 

Mate I love listening, I more feel for you having to listen to my rantings - especially when I get all political!! 

 

Yeah will PM you at some point at the weird treatments, haha!! In Germany anything goes. If I go back, it will sure be interesting! 

 

Yeah I think I have stagnated in terms of physical and mental state, if not actually declined actually. In terms of since last May, I was physically better and mentally better. But in terms of exposures, seeing family, facing fears, this forum, getting out of the house, I've had huge improvements, massive. Also spiritually huge progression. I mean I had never in my life had a mystical experience till last winter, and now I've had a few. I'm putting my spirituality into practice with facing my fears of the exposures. This massive, putting your beliefs into actions. My exposures ultimately come down to my heightened trust in God, i'm putting my faith into practice. I remember reading a Buddhist book about facing fears and thinking this all sounds so inspiring and then I thought why aren't I doing myself? That was lightbulb moment, stopping things off and face things now. 

 

So in some ways huge improvements, massive and in other areas I've gone backwards. So it's not simple, not a straight path, but it never has the last 8 years. 

 

Hope you have a great weekend man! Tomorrow is going to he Hot!!!

 

Will be praying

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

You said it right mate - these things are so far from a straight path! It is amazing that there are still days that I can go to bed thinking.. maybe this is it - I've cracked it, only to wake up to all manner of crap hainging over my head! But this is where the hope remains. All the time I can have these moments, I know I will no give in. Recovery has to reach a point. It is important to know where that point is too, otherwise perfectionism will take over and we will be looking for recovery that just isn't there!!

 

So - bit of news. I had notification about the therapy that I have been waiting months for. I have been given the "opportunity" to be part of a group of depressed people looking to improve their lives. Great. Bloody perfect. I am suffering depression as a result of anxiety and all the reactions to the pills. The last thing I want is to sit in a small room with 11 other people, all of whom are chronically depressed - and saying everything that they have wrong with their lives. This is the LAST thing I want. I would be sitting in this hot and studffy room, tanked up on Valium for 2 hours watching the clock. There is little point in this. I need one to one support. I will talk to the p-doc on Monday and see what can be done. If this is the best I can expect in terms of support then I will be starting to worry. 

 

I can't believe how far forward your exposures have come! I am so damn proud of you man! To walk to the shops and casually stroll in and talk with people and not let it worry you is huge! You really have got into the swing of this. I so wish that your physical symptoms would catch up and there would be no stopping you! I can imagine you doing the London marathon next year!!

 

I did more of my thought practise this morning, although I kept drifting off and when I keep doing that after already slept, I tend to start feeling very weird - almost like a derealisation feeling. So I had to stop and started reading instead. Following that I had a fantanstic day! I went to see my friend for a couple of hours, had a walk for an hour to the sea and could actually relax with my thoughts for the day! I can't believe it. I acutally felt close to normal. If it wasn't for the dizziness that crept back in, it would have been awesome. I am really trying to ignore the physical, but it still isn't easy. But this is where my thought training in the morning comes in. Trying to reach that mindset of transcending the physical as best I can. Letting my mood come through and override the physical problems so they don't get in the way.

 

Really great that you managed to watch some of Glasto! You really need to document when these moments occur and see if there is any pattern that might help you get further with this stuff. I have been to Glastonbury, but as a festival, I favoured Reading. That was going back a fair few years now! Definately not a place for anyone suffering anxiety! And besides, I would consider myself a little old for getting muddy in a field and not having any sleep all weekend... oh, and queuing for a porta-john for hours and having a poo in the most rancid toilet known to man! Good times right!!

 

So on this winderful point I will leave it on a high note and keep thinking positive for tomorrow. Really hope you were able to endure the weather and keep the faith with your exposures. It was 27 degrees down here, but it said it was reaching 35 in London?! Crazy...

 

Much love brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ah man yes! Another good day! Amazing! I'm so happy! It must have been lovely by the sea in this weather!!! Really hold onto to this, this is great progress!! 

 

Unfortunately it's been a rough one for me. Mentally felt very weak, was struggling to cope on my walk with taking things in. I felt pretty weak physically as well. I had a headache most of the day. Felt very foggy and irritable. Very sensitive sensory wise. Immensely demoralising, just totally fed up with false glimmer of hope. Felt gassed last night, and then today been awful. Stupid shell I have LOL! 

 

Just to give you an idea of how far I have fallen since last May when I started coming off the duloxetine. Before I was able to listen to music for 4 hours non stop, would watch 2 or so films a week, and was able to even go to football. Imagine all the noise from the speakers, the crowds, the passion, standing up all game, hugging strangers and chanting. 25,000 people and I coped fine, no problem. I went twice before I came off, and then twice more before the withdrawal got really bad. Now I almost pass out after walking for more than 20 minutes, I'm so weak physically, can't take sounds and music. Massive decline.

 

Sorry for all this negativity, especially as you are doing so well. I feel really guilty but I have to be honest with you, I can't pretend. 

 

Speaking to my doctor tomorrow. So that should be interesting. 

 

Yeah was 33 or so when I went out. I'm sure the heat isn't helping. 

 

Anyway I'm just so happy for you! What great news!! Brilliant! Well done man! Brilliant! You're doing so well!! 

 

Will keep praying.

 

I hope your wife is well.

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat,

Wonderful new, two days in a row. It was very needed. You went to the sea, call me next time, I want to see the sea. Pardon my ignorance, but which sea?

Did you put your feet in the water? I would have gone running straight in it. The sea does something to me, I guess I will settle for our lake in the middle of the city! Even though we can't compare a banana with an apple.

The sea is near your place, one hour walk? Make place, I'm coming with brownies and a bathing suit. You make me dream Scrat!

[invalidusername]

Hi Gailage!!

 

Yes - 2 days in a row - very happy about that. Today is a bit less. There have been crowds all around my flat today because of some festival. It is like Woodstock out there. So much noise.. babies, dogs, shouting, drinking. Bit of sensory overload. 

 

But yes, being near the sea does have its benefits - it is the English Channel - the stretch between south-east England and France.

 

Will PM with more details!

 

Lovage!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Weather was pretty much unchanged down here, so I hope you managed to keep cool inland. And assuming you got my message earlier, you can see what was going on right on my doorstep! A blanket of people for a stretch of 2 miles! I couldn't escape - I was a prisoner in my own flat. I couldn't even get in the car as the roads were blocked, so I was rather edgy all the time this was going on, but all that changed when the crowds dispersed, and the evening was a lot more relaxed. Set myself up to catch up on some study and took it easy as best I could.

 

Really sorry to hear that it was a rough day for you. Do you also find you get a lot of head fog and headaches? Do you get any warning as to when these might come on? This in my situation would be something, but at the moment, it is now 24/7. It is just a question of the severity. Surely there must be something out there that can ease these sort of symptoms. Is there anything that you can take when you feel this fog? I have tried dramamine, valium, bunch of herbs, the one pain killer I can take - but nothing shifts it. Lots of people online say it is the physical manifestations of anxiety, but if that were the case, the valium would clear it up. It isn't. It is something horribly neurological, but without seeing just a little sign of improvement, it really gets demoralising as you say. We try our best to say that it won't be forever... things could be worse... yada yada.. but there are only so many times we can say this to ourselves. I need some damn answers.

 

Can't believe you were at a football match last year! That is the mother of all exposures. So, there would have been zero anxiety for you to be doing stuff like that surely? And energy levels must have been quite stable as you would have been on your feet for a good 3 hours I would imagine? So yes, that is quite a way for you to have gone back. And all from the Duloxetine? That is just horrible. Rotten luck and confidence zapping. I seriously think you need to consider a natural approach to this when you are able to. Any pills are going to do a number on you - the same as me. I simply cannot trust making any more meds as I know I will be adversely effected by them. 

 

So what was the upshot of speaking to the doctor? Hope your day was improved from yesterday. Really trying not to get anxious about the start of the week tomorrow... but I need to get used to it! I had 9 hours kip last night. I clearly needed it. We keep on going!!

 

Sorry just realised there are a few questions here, but am interested in how we can get your through this spat. There will be light there.  As Aza Holmes once wrote, your now is not your forever...

 

Much love to you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ah man I didn't get your message because my phone at the moment is one of those old samsungs - not a smart phone. A message came through but it said it was unable to access. But wow that sounds nuts! 

 

Today was a horror show. Man I feel so bad saying this!! Sorry for having to bother you with this. So I spoke to my doctor and I didn't really get the explanations I was hoping for. I couldn't sort of tell my condition was so complex even for him. That really sapped my confidence. I was just hoping he would say something like 'oh that makes sense' or just something to make me feel less worried about this huge decline. He is very highly qualified for lyme, so it not like I can upgrade. Just really hit me hard, the realisation of quite what a messed up situation I am in. It didn't help I forgot my skype account details so was really late, that just added to the stress and the sense of 'what have I become' sort of thing. Straight after the skype call, i was just hit with the most horrible depression. It was obviously lurking and the session was just a catalyst for my fears to coming crushing in. I felt such terror, like in my head it was this thought 'I'm not going to get better am I', 'I've tried everything, no one can help me'. Was sacred out of my mind. Just felt like ending things then and there. Man it's be since the summer of 2011 that I been seriously ill, one thing after another. That's 8 long years of fighting. My shoulders can't take the weight of being so ill anymore. I'm struggling to find anything left in the tank. Obviously my spirituality is improved, but there are moments when it gets too much. I have been doing so well recently to just live in the moment, and not think about the future, but sometimes there's a crack in my strength of mind and the fears flood in. I just so confused at God right now. I just can't make sense of what my life is. Saying that at the time you can never see the positives of a situation, it's only looking back you realise that it served a purpose. 

 

These meds just scare the hell out of me. If I could I would 100% go fully natural. I'm very that way inclined. It was my Lyme doctor who rushed me off the duloxetine because he's so against anti-depressants and was really keen for me to get fully off them, to aid my recovery. But my depression is so fragile, I just am not settled enough yet to start changing doses. It's like you said stuck between a rock and a hard place. I need the meds to keep me stable, but their side effects are just so debilitating. It's not just the drugs though, something with the lyme and co-infections is still lingering and messing with things. The duloxetine side effects are definitely not causing my sound sensitivity, I'm almost sure. That is some neurological damage caused by lyme and co-infections. That the thing I just don't know why I have had this decline, it doesn't make sense. I just don't know what's caused what. All I can say is that I had been recovering slowly but steadily for about 2 years and then since I came off the duloxetine and then the withdrawal that's stopped. It just immensely confusing and nobody seems to have a clue either. 

 

Yeah went to football with my dad and brother. I'm a big football fan. Yeah walking there was about 25 minutes then standing for about 1 hour and 40 mins and then another 25 minute walk home. As I say 25,000 people. I went to 3 home games plus I went to Wembley as well last May for my team, so that was 85,000 people, got delayed in traffic so had to run to the ground. Yeah anxiety was very stable. Felt fine and very relaxed actually. It was tiring once I got home but anxiety was good. So you can see what I mean but ups and downs LOL! It's hard to keep bouncing back. 

 

It really means a lot your support man! Not sure where I would be without it. I'm just trying so so hard to get better, my family would attest to that. At the moment, I really confused why I would have chosen to take on this life. If I was in recovery now, I would understand as I would say I learnt a lot from the struggle but right now I'm just thinking how could I have been willing put myself through this. Have you got any thoughts? I know you've read much more than me of the next life and such. 

 

I sometimes have mild headaches and head fog, if I push myself mentally then they get worse. I personally don't take anything just try find somewhere quiet and do some reading or rest. Just give my brain some air. A few years ago I lived of a combo of paracetamol and clonazepam, it was my cocktail. I took them together and it just reduced anxiety and cleared my head. But then I was taking more and more clonazepam, up to 4mg a day. Also I started to worry about all that paracetamol causing damage. So recently I've tried to just let things be. Haven't touched paracetamol for ages and now just 1.5mg of clonazepam a day. The chlorpromazine is amazing for anxiety, but it absolutely knackers you. You can barely stand up. That's why I take it before bed. I ideally would want to get off it, as I know it is making me weaker, but it does such a good job on the anxiety so it's tough. 

 

But I'm really so happy for you that your day was decent. That's 3 in a row now. Really so good to hear. Your strength of character is just immense. The sensory overload you felt is probably quite similar to what I get but for me it can things like the tv etc. 

 

I'm just going to send over a quick PM about Melatonin as my doctor mentioned it today. 

 

So nice to talk. 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh and just to mention man, I still did a 15 minute walk despite being in the grip of the depression. So that was a real positive. I actually coped really well on the walk, even though I so didn't want to do it. I thought I can't go out this depressed, but I still did, so that was good. 

 

Sorry just forget to mention that. 

 

I will be praying for you. 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hello Scrat,

Here is what I take for anxiety and depression.

2 tylenols + 2 caplets of Gravol

Gravol is for nausea, dizziness and motion sickness. Works real well but makes you sleepy. Maybe just one Gravol. Just trying to help here.

[invalidusername]

Hello Scrat,

Here is what I take for anxiety and depression.

2 tylenols + 2 caplets of Gravol

Gravol is for nausea, dizziness and motion sickness. Works real well but makes you sleepy. Maybe just one Gravol. Just trying to help here.

 

Tylenol is Paracetamol here in the UK and I am allergic to this.

 

Gravol is only available in the US, but I have Dramamine which makes me really groggy/sleepy, but does very little for my head problems

[gail]

When you say head problems, do you mean anxiety and depression? Or the pain in your head?

[invalidusername]

Pain in my head. It feel like I have been hit round the head with something hard. Ringing in ears, pressure inside head and some dizziness. It is like this almost all day now.

[invalidusername]

Well, lets kick things off with that 15 minute walk - really well done mate! That is what is going to get you where you need to be. Drive and determination. Glad you appended this to your message as it was important. 

 

I will have to PM you this photo, and will bear in mind future MMS messages. I have only recently "upgraded" to a smart phone but they really aren't all they are shaped up to be in my opinion. I could quite easily go back to my old Nokia brick.

 

That was a tough read that next paragraph, but again, you need an outlet for this stuff, and that is what we are here for. I can relate to that feeling you say very well... when it will only take that one bit of news, and you are toppled over. But what you have described sounds horrendous. Of course you will have felt that way. Your last remaining hope was taken from you like a carpet from under your feet. If my head could take the drive, I would be on route up the M20 right bloody now and do what I can to help you escape from it. 

 

I know I am not in the same ballpark of a situation, but I went to see the p-doc today and I also cracked there and then in his office. I told him that he 30mg Citalopram was giving me horrendous side effects, and when I went down just to 25mg my depression went off the scale. His suggestion? Try this winderful all new pill! Seriously. This is what is has come to. I am a damn guinea pig. I told him outright that everything that has happened with the Citalopram is because I have been pushed and pulled around with all these drugs that my poor brain doesn't know which was is up; the result being this crazy sensitivity. So he said either wait it out on 30mg (wait for what?!) or try again at 25mg. So yes, nothing really gained from that at all. But I am determined to find a solution, and have been discussed with the legend that is Fishing Hat. I will start a new thread in due course to document how things progress.

 

Anyway - back to LDN. I can fully understand the want to go natural and the situation that you simply cannot "just do it". But at the moment, we really need to find something of a plan - anything - to keep you focused on an end goal. It might mean talking to a naturapath - there is one in Ireland somewhere who is meant to be the mental health guru for switching out between meds and natural. As soon as I find a way of stabaly reducing my dose, I am coming off the Citalopram, but unlike Duloxtetine where I could drop beads, it is 5mg a time, or water titration. Not nearly as simple or accurate. I really think natural is your way to go as the AD's could well be fighting against things that are repairing. Not saying that it will prevent the repair in its entirety, but it may easily not be helping. Natural approaches support what we already have, they don't change things, replace things or change how they work. Our bodies work fine (for the most part) until drugs start messing things up. I will clearly state that there are exceptions - a lot on this site - where some meds are required and helped, but in our situation, I do think they have really done a number on us. 

 

I really wish that my head would give me some time out thou. After the p-doc I still did 3 hours of work, but got home and just fell on the bed. I was so exhausted. When the stress of p-docs and such combine with the side effects of the Citalopram, I know I am in for a rough ride! 

 

We'll get there - and you will come through this. I don't know how or when, but your now is not your forever remember! And when things get that bad, just remember that you are here on earth to learn - it is a working vacation. Your true home in the Summerland is always there waiting for you when your return home. Our life here is every bit as real as it seems, but it is not the be all and end all. There was a time not so long ago that Gail, NM, me and youself were all hanging around the beautiful gardens surrounding some of the most amazing architecture, taking in the the wonderful sights, smells and sounds - the delights of nature that we have temporarily forgotten here on earth. We joked about being the four musketeers together. We knew we planned a tough time for ourselves, but we made sure we write it into our plan that we would find each other and help get through it all. One day we will be back there - same place - and taking it all in discussing the next time!!

 

On that note, I will let your spiritual immagination rekindle as much as it can - and never forget that I am here. Call or text if you need to. I am never that far away.

 

Love you man.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Man what a beautiful message! That really hit home!! That meant a lot man!!! 

 

Oh man sorry about the p doc. I feel we are in similar situations. At the beginning I used to see doctors as sort of messiahs, who had all the answers. But since all I've been through I've come to realise that there human beings just like you and me, but unlike us there not in our bodies everyday!! So I always trust my own instincts regarding my mental health. The amount of times doctors have told me 'we'll get you better in no time' oh wow, and not a single one has been right. With the lyme I feel completely powerless because I have no clue what's going on, but with the p docs I mainly use it for prescriptions. I know my mental health best. Mental health is a very very young science, and even prozac was originally meant for something else and then they found it effective for depression. I mean they don't even know why SSRI's work. They block the re-uptake of serotonin, which means more serotonin, but when they put serotonin on it's own into the brain it doesn't work as an anti-depressant. Quite a lot of scientists question whether the anti-depressants work in some other way, rather than serotonin as is assumed. This is at the highest level. I'm sure you know all this of course. I'm simply saying it so as back up your perspective of finding your own path. Listen to your brain and body - this is what I have learned. 

 

This is why I turned to God. I realised a doctor wasn't going to be my messiah and so I just work on transcending my shell as best as possible. As I say I'm also a big believer in time regarding mental health and neurologically as well. Look at my reading, couldn't for 7 years!! You would think I would never read again but it came back! 7 years is a long time!!! But I somehow fought my way through it and now reading is favourite hobby!! One of the few things I can actually do. It's helped my spirituality hugely! So I'm a big believer in brain plasticity. 

 

Also it's not like I'm just wasting away right now. Every day I'm doing massive exposures. Of course I'm not happy with my physical and neurological situation but at the same time my social anxiety has improved like crazy in the last 6 months! If I just had social anxiety nothing else, i would be over the moon right now! So I've got to the look at the positives. Tackle one thing at a time. Honestly 6 months ago I could walk out of the front door for even 1 second, unless I was going to a doctor appointment. Now I go 15 to 25 minutes out every day!! That's in busy London. That's a massive massive step. And yet I barely give myself any credit for it or even acknowledge what a massive leapt i've made. Instead I focus on what I can't do. This is what my therapist mentioned to me - focus on what you can do, not what you can't. I really need to put this in practice. My big goal last year was to be able to get out the house and go to the shops. Now I've started doing that so I really need to focus on the fact I'm doing something I haven't for 8 years!! And on top of that seeing family for the 1st time in 7 to 8 years. I got get some perspective and focus on the self love. 

 

You and the this forum have helped HUGELY on my social anxiety. As I say just coming on here at the start was a massive exposure, I was that cut off!!! 

 

LOL yeah do you what I've never had a smart phone. Must be one of the only 26 years old in the country! Even my mum and dad both have them lol!! They weren't common when I got illl, and since i've been ill I've not really needed one. Whenever I show people my phone they love it!! I always get a great reaction and most so 'your not missing out'!!! This is what I've got - 

 

https://www.google.c...7lcs-KIFbPgNUM:

 

Yeah was so happy and proud of the walk. I felt so awful but forced myself out. Today I mixed up my route quite a bit, so was good. I didn't really have any anxiety as well, so that was pleasing for a new route. 

 

Thanks for such a supportive, kind and helpful message. Along with my family it's people on this forum that make my life worth living. Just a beautiful community of people, who all have such love and kindness. 

 

Thanks for being there man!!! That description of the summerland just wonderful!!!

 

Love you man 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Absolutely - I really thought the doctors knew what they were doing, but the more I saw, the more I realised. The one I have seen most recently is very kind and you get a sense of bedside manner, but he doesn't really know anything more that what I can figure out myself. Stay at 30mg, drop to 20mg, or switch to a new drug. OK. So what's new about that? They can't TELL you why you are feeling the way you do, they can't suggest anything that you can do to help or alleviate the symptoms. How they get paid what they do I will never know. What do they even learn??

 

What you said about SSRI's I found out too late, but yes, well aware of it all. The Big Pharma's have a lot to answer for. The world works on money my man... no-one cares how we live, our quality of life. All the care workers and pharm reps can go home to their 2-up 2-down and forget about it all until 9am the next day.

 

Regarding brain plasticity, that is for sure a proven theory - otherwise we would never heal, or bring back memories and so forth. Things are changing all the time. One of my favourite academics for this stuff is Jerome Feldman. He is more language orientated, but he has some amazing ideas and theories for the brain. I quote him a lot in my research.

 

Anyway - you sound a bit more up-beat today than yesterday - good thing. Hope this is also the case for today. Focusing on what you can is sound advice, but never that easy whilst in the grips of depression. Nothing positive comes through as so many here will tell you. Just said meself a little prayer for our Gailage as she is in the throws of it. Bless her cotton socks. And yes, there are huge steps that you have made, some downturns, but plenty forward. We win some, we loose some. But try as we can to focus on those small victories.

 

Today was a so-so for me, but still far better than previous days. I would consider it a bad day for "normal people", which for us is quite a good day!! LOL. I woke and instantly felt stressed. Not sure what or why - just brain was having a funny 5 minutes. This later came clear as it turned into another bout of depersonalisation. Just felt like I was looking through my eyes, but I was being controlled by something else. The whole world was a computer game again. Lasted about 7 hours, but I managed work and shopping, and then when it lifted felt much easier knowing it wasn't going to last.

 

Glad my message spoke to you in a way. Been trying to visualise a lot of wait for us before our shells! I am seeing a lot of coloured glass buildings for some reason. They are out on a lake front surrounded by beautiful grasslands. I think they are some sort of health centre where people like us go if we cross over with this sort of condition.

 

Right - back to a bit of reading to calm the mind. Will be looking forward to hearing from you in the morning!

 

Much love and light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

So I got your message today. They sent me a text with a password and I went online and saw the photo. What a view you have!! But wow that was busy - like you said one hell of a exposure. 

 

Yeah I often think what the hell do they learn? Yeah I was like you at the beginning just trusted what they said, like I would any other doctor. Now I make sure to read up a lot and also I have learned a lot from my lyme doctor who is also a psychiatrist but is very very alternative. Some eye opening stories. And what you say about money is spot on. I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately any sort of sense of moral responsibility seems to have gone from these big Pharma, just purely profit. My osteopath is from France, and said they used to around offering holidays and cars the pharma people to doctors if they prescribed there drugs. Mental. What would Jesus think at the state of the world my friend? I often think this! Reading the bible at the moment. If he thought the corruption was bad then, oh my!! I do know people who anti depressants have really helped to be fair, but it really is suck and see with anti-depressants. 

 

Yeah another example of brain plasticity is my ECT. Lost a lot of memories as you can imagine, but most things came back. I never got what happened there, over like 6 months or so more and more came back. At it's worst, I couldn't even remember what my street looked like, had to look out the window!! I've certainly had some experiences in these last 8 years LOL!!! Jerome Feldman - interesting, thanks.

 

Yeah yesterday was ok. I just realised that what I was doing was massive and I shouldn't take for granted overcoming such severe social anxiety. Considering how long I've been cut off from the world, to make the transition to where I am now in a few months is actually huge. As I said if I only had social anxiety, I would over the moon right now!! I overcame bad OCD as well, so I'm really receptive to therapy. So it's nice there at least one treatment that works for me lol!! I've got to tackle one thing at a time. I've got so many problems it easy to get overwhelmed, as will always be some negative. But I just going to try and focus on the steps I'm making. Obviously the future looks grim, but you just have to live in the present. I'm just drilling this message into my head. Living in the moment, it is tough, but I made big steps since last year, when all I did was worry. Focus on letting go and floating is my job at the moment. 

 

 

My day was ok again. Ok walk and watched some of the women's football on tv with my brother, we got a new tv which is bigger than the old one, so by the end I was pretty tired of looking at the screen. But it was a decent exposure, didn't feel anxiety just tired. 

 

Sorry about that morning man but at least things picked up. The evenings seem a good time for you right now. But yeah a bad day for most is a good day for us 100%!!!

 

Lovely description!! Beautiful! Thanks for sharing that!!! 

 

So nice to talk. 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

 

[gail]

I'm with you both here, a bad day for most is a good day for us 80%.

[invalidusername]

How are you doing today Gailage? Any of the cloud from yesterday lifted?

[invalidusername]

Hurrah - you got the photo! Yes - this is what it can get like right outside the window from my flat. You can imagine that I was feeling clausrophobic just looking at the crowd! I wasn't too bad, but the wife couldn't do near the window all afternoon bless her. She couldn't even take the noise of the crowd and I had to keep the window shut and become a roasted IUN.

 

I am not going to get further into the quesion of doctors and the NHS for a while... my friend's mother, who has been like a second mum to be for 30+ years, started asking the doctor for help when she had stomach aches that wouldn't go away. This was arund 8 months ago. Stop drinking tea, stop wheat... twice off in an ambulance to the hospital. Eventually they agreed to a scan which eventually came through and results today show advanced stages of bowel cancer which has spread to her liver. We are all in a bit of a state and waiting for what can be done. I am in such an angry place with the whole system. But I'm stopping there.

 

Yes - you always need to look back on your OCD and how you overcame that - huge victory that. And it hasn't come back! Even bigger victory. I think a lot of that has to do with your personal mind training stuff. I truly think that as your mental health improves, it will remain that way and that you will not relapse. This is what the mindfullness stuff is all about - curing and ensuring nothing comes back.

 

Going back to plasticity. Yesterday as you know, I was exhausted, and again today, I was a little weak and exhausted - but on both days there was no head fog, ache or dizziness. Not even a little bit. So strange that it can just change overnight like that. So my brain is obviously going through the motions to some degree. I do feel distraught on one side knowing there is more in there to come out, but on the other, I am feeling more positive knowing that the head problems can't be forever if they can disappear like that. Such a complex organ our grey matter is... LOL. No idea why I worded the clause before the subject there - I sound like Yoda

 

Another good exposure with the TV man! All in moderation - keep it going. Little bits of the life coming back through. This is how it is going to work. Just try your best to do this stuff with the physical symptoms as and when they occur. Even though I felt exhausted, I knew it was my brain telling me this, so I forced myself to wash my alloy wheels on the car today as they were filthy and it was getting me down. Managed it just fine. 

 

Oooh - got another book - full catastrophe living by jon kabat-zinn. All about coping with stress, pain and illness (including mental illness) by using mindful cognitive therapy. It looks really good, but 450-odd pages! Not a small volume for sure. Impulse purchase thinking my brain will be on the mend for a while! Will let you know what I find out - unless this is already in your library...

 

Love and light to you brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi YODA lol!! 

 

Oh wow I'm so sorry to hear about your friends mother. That's so sad to hear. I will keep her in my prayers. 

 

Sorry for going on about doctors, just me being emotional and thinking out loud. 

 

Man that great to hear about the head fog and dizziness, that is so encouraging!! As you say it shows it not a permanent thing if it can just suddenly disappear. That really great news. But yes such an immensely complicated organ. There are about 100 trillion synapses or something!! Mental! Brain plasticity is my great hope!! I've seen it work wonders for me before, so I just have to be patient. 

 

Well done about the car man! That great stuff! It was like me with the football, didn't want to watch it, felt it was too much effort but made myself do it, as an exposure but also to please my brother who wanted me to watch it. Often before my walks I don't feel like it, but you can't let the mood dictate to you, you have take some control yourself. We don't have much control but in the face of depression and low mood, carrying on with our day regardless is really important in not letting you become dominated by the depression. 

 

I went to the pharmacy today to collect my prescription. I went last week but this was the first time I've been to collect my prescription. Met the guy from last week again. So I guess a good exposure!! Other than that an average day. 

 

I have that book on my list!! It sounds really good, definitely interested to hear about what it's like. What fiction are you reading at the moment? Anything good? I've just ordered a book by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, so hopefully that will be good. I read a 550 page book recently that William James one, took a while but was a good feeling to finish it. A nice little achievement, considering I wasn't reading at all for so long. 

 

I'm a bit empty headed tonight man, but all the best for tomorrow. 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat, I'm so happy for you concerning the no pain, no dizziness no fog, that must have been such a relief after a so long period. Lovage.

[invalidusername]

Spoke too soon Gail!!

 

Sorry guys - feeling like nothing on earth - hence the radio silence my end today. Woke up to derealisation and was that freaked out, I didn't even get my breakfast for 3 hours. Goodness knows where it came from. This was then followed by nausea, then the sh*ts... then the head fog... and finally around 7pm, the mother of all headaches. I am flopped in bed and just blanking out in front of some mindless comedy. All I can do for now. Hope this is a one-day job.

 

All being well I will be back in usual IUN form tomorrow. Sorry I can't cover more today...

 

Love y'all

 

God Bless

 

P.S. Getting a little worried about NM.. been a couple of weeks. Hope she is OK...

[gail]

So sorry to hear that Scrat! Keep the hope up, I know it's hard.

I've been thinking about NM also. I pray that she's fine.

[LDN]

Oh man so so sorry. Man it's so up and down for you right now!! Keep the faith brother! You know where I am and I am always there for you! 

 

I had a mixed day. I had a 10 hour sleep which was very random, haven't slept that long in one go for a while. Then back to my siesta a few hours later for another 2 hours. Then I woke up from my siesta I had really bad anxiety when I woke up. First time I had anxiety for ages. I started yesterday a new supplement - Curcumin. It for my brain inflammation. Since the duloxetine withdrawal whenever I've started a new supplement it's usually brought on anxiety. So weird. Before I took take any supplement and never notice. Hopefully, it will settle after being on it a few days. That what happened last time I started some new supplements, a few days of bad anxiety and then I settled down. So fingers crossed. 

 

So been mostly sleeping or dealing with this anxiety, which seems to drain all the life out of me. Still nothing compared to what sounds like a horror day for you. 

 

Yes I was thinking about NM. I pray she is ok. God Bless her. 

 

I will be praying my brother. This won't last. And remember I am here for you!! We are a team!! 

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless

[gail]

My sweet London,

Since curcumin is a spice, the anxiety should not last. Good to know that it serves as anti inflammation to the brain. I'll take a bucket please.

Yes, we're all rooting for NM, when she's ready only. We sure miss your words of wisdom my friend.

Lighting candles in my head, it's too hot here in Quebec to light anything.

[invalidusername]

Oooh 31 degress for you today. That is hot.

 

Make sure you drink plenty and hope the heat doesn't interrupt your siestas my dear!

[gail]

Scrat, that's good! 37 with humidity! The worst temperature with humidity. Fans are on non stop. Drinking water and popsicles. Hope your day is better than yesterday! Lovage!