2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Goodness! That is just too hot. It was 28 here last weekend and that was too much for me...

 

Physically better today, but mentally a bit worse. Ups and downs - but positives being that I managed work and just about managed to wash the car, and fix the exhaust on one of my clients cars! So I have ended up exhausted anyway

[invalidusername]

So, I am a bit better today, so back with the gang! Thanks for your comforting words man. Always good to wake up to a message from someone who really and genuinely understands what I am going through.

 

So how did you feel after the 10 hours kip? Hope you didn't get that wierd feeling that I get if I sleep too much. I tend to feel a bit of derealisation, but usually wears off within an hour or two. I hope your Curcumin adventures become fruitful. I don't know a lot about it myself, but if it has come recommended, and I very much doubt there are much in the way of side effects to worry about, then what have you got to loose! But as with a lot of these things, it will most likely need to build up in your system before effects are noticed. As Gailage also said, it is likely that the anxiety will dissipate. Don't like to say it, but it might be equal parts of psychosomatic as well as the damage in your noggin. Either way, fingers crossed this end for you too. Any updates from that today?

 

My day has been a bit up and down. Bit more emotional than yesterday, but I still managed to keep things under control. Physically better, but I have noticed just how weak I am becoming over the last few days. Not mentally exhausted, but I just feel that I need to sit down all the time. I know you understand all of this, and I am glad that the head fog didn't come back today, or the runs (!), but I am still very weak. I feel like I have just done a triathalon or similar. I can manage about 3 hours of anything other than resting on a chair, and that it is. I need to stop. It upsets me because I am very limited to what I can do and where I can go. I feel silly talking about this to you as I can see you now as you read this saying to your screen "join the club IUN!". I hope it is just another phase of these pills and that it too shall pass. It is just a question of how many more of these hoops I need to jump through before I can be back to myself again. But for now, I am just accepting it as my mood seems to be a lot more stable. 

 

Regarding the fiction, I am re-reading a series of 4 books by Sarah Prineas called "The Magic Thief". It is for young kids, but I love stuff like that. It is all about a land that is mysteriously loosing its magic that runs through the air and supplies all the wizards. This street kid gets taken in by this older wizard and teaches him al this stuff, and the boy then sets about getting the balance back to the land. It has dragons, mountains, lords and ladies... great stuff. Nice, easy and relaxing. Before this I read Neil Gaiman's Stardust - a classic. I get through books like that so quickly - last count I have nearly 300 or so...

 

Right - time to get some food and relax and regain some strength for tomorrow. Want to wash the car which will probably mean taking the rest of the day off!!!

 

Much love and light my dear brother

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat, could you explain how you feel inside when you experience derealization please?

The first hour or two are always difficult for me so I was wondering if the way I feel might be that. I feel lost, anxiety in the background, ready to cry. Again, thank you Scrat! Lovage

[invalidusername]

I'll give it a go my dear...

 

It feels like I am not really part of my own body. I am looking through my own eyes, but what I am actually doing feels like it is being done automatically, and that I am not in control. Outside looks very unfamiliar, even though I know I have seen it many times before, and when I am driving, it feels like a computer game. In fact, everything feels like a computer game. It is so difficult to describe. If it only happens for a few minutes, it is fine, but when it goes on for hours, it gets really scary and sets my anxiety right up...

 

If someone described it to me before I had felt it myself, I wouldn't believe them - but it is as real (or unreal) as it sounds...

 

Hope that helps a little.

 

Love love lovage!

[LDN]

Hey man. Good to hear things are a bit better today, that's a relief!! 

 

So today I had a real break through in terms of my mental development. I woke up not feeling great - anxiety and a bit of depression. So I was feeling pretty uneasy about my walk. This Curcumin has definitely got me stressed out - more on that in a minute. So I still decided to go on the walk. I wrote a poem about walking into the fire and it becoming water and I use that as a sort of mantra at the beginning of the walks. I tell myself 'I am walking into the fire, I must fear nothing'. Anyway, when I went out I was feeling pretty anxious but I just completely let it be - to a level I have never achieved before. I said to myself just float, and I really felt like I was just floating down a stream. All the sounds of traffic, tube trains, car radios, construction work - I let it just wash over me. I told myself this is just a dream, and for the first time it really stuck. I really felt in a dream state, but in a good way. Everything was just washing over me and I felt I had nothing to fear as nothing was really real - IT WAS JUST A DREAM. I been trying to achieve this state for so long, and today was the 1st time it really worked. I didn't feel disconnected in a depersonalisation way, not negative, but as if I was seeing through the illusion of reality and aware the REAL life is awaiting me. I've trying for a long time to achieve this dream state, but today as I say it clicked. It was amazing because it shows all the Buddhist stuff and mindfulness really does make a difference after a while. I've read about reaching this state of mind of freedom, of liberation from the fleshly world, and today I touched it for the first time. Man the walk was so good and so fun. It was just literally like a lucid dream. I heard about this state of mind but never experienced it before. But wow, it was better than I good have ever imagined. I'm just keep working so hard on my spirituality and mindfulness now, knowing the results they can produce. You really can change how you experience the whole world simply but changing how you think. It's amazing. We have within us this incredible capacity. 

 

I couldn't wait to tell you about it. I really hope it can give you encouragement. I actually felt so good when I came back from the walk, as I was like 'if I can feel like this, who cares about my legs and weakness and all that' - I was able to completely short circuit my thoughts from these worries and just simply float and be present. Anyway sorry about that, but it felt a milestone for me. Hard works pays off. 

 

So then again this evening after my siesta I felt really anxious for a good few hours. Lots of butterflies in my stomach. The sort of anxiety that just drains you of all energy. It's settled now. This exact same thing happened a few months ago when I started new supplements, initially I was really anxious and after a while it went. I suppose because of the dolux withdrawal I just super super sensitive. Curcumin crosses the blood brain barrier, so I think my brain is just working things out. I just have to tough it out in the short term, for the long term gain. I do agree though that is also psychosomatic, because I was really nervous before I started taking it as I predicted this would happen after last time. But it's not just psychosomatic I don't think. 

 

The latest on melatonin is apparently you can get it is as a cream, and my mum knows someone who can get it from Germany. So we'll see what the doctor has to say. 

 

Sorry about you feeling weak and tired. As you say I know exactly how you feel, but in your case I think it just a faze. Hopefully tomorrow is better. But don't push yourself, if you need to rest then rest. It won't always be like this. 

 

I will be praying as usual!! 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey...

 

Right - I am really interested in what you managed to do there. Can you describe in more detail? It sounded like my times I have derealisation!! Just to let all these sounds and stressors just wash over you is a fantastic place to be I would imagine. I am both proud and very happy for you man! The sort of thing I am wanting to achieve is to be out in the world (or anywhere) and just to simply "be" wherever that may be. Just simply be aware of what is going on, but for it not to trigger any thoughts and for me to remain just as I am. For my mind to remain quiet and not be continually influenced by everything and anything. Sure there can be all the negative stuff.. damn.. can't there... but there is also when it can go too far the other way when all the stimulation is there as I have found that with too much it can become overwhelming, and there is frequently a come down, which is what I had today. I need to be in a place where I can accept things for what they are and trust in my own state of being - not have to actively look for things to make me feel better, to keep me occupied. Just be.

 

I am sure this all makes sense to you, but it would be interesting to hear your take on it.

 

Today was OK. Not great - just was. But I had a cracking couple of hours with my friend across town which was really unexpected. I just managed to forget about everything going on and was just there for the moment. Forgot what had happened that morning, earlier in the week, what was happening next week. How it should be. But then when I left - almost straight away, it hit me. I was out of the place which made this magic happen. Part of it was anxiety about how I was going to come back from that I suppose. This is what I was saying just now. It is like I had a drug of "what real life could be" and I hit withdrawal when I left! I just wanted to go back and enjoy the family again...

 

I would imagine a bit of the anxiety would be there lurking in the background a little. But if you can view this in the way that you did you legs and weaknesses, then wouldn't that be something! It is like Clare Weekes always says in her books. Just let all the symptoms be there and just ignore them like they were something that you would pay no mind. I seem to get very introspective with my thinking when things get bad and I just cannot escape my head - hence the need for mindfulness training and so forth.

 

Anyway - that's us up to date. I will look forward to hearing about more of this dream state. Really do. How it felt like when you were out and about - what was going through your mind - if anything! Like you say, there will be plenty of practise involved, but it can but only pay off in the end...

 

Well done man - prayers will always continue for even more progress!

 

Lots of love..

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

I'm in a bit of state at the moment. I take essential oils for my gut in capsules and my mum makes them for me - a mix of olive oil and essential oils. Tonight inside my capsule was a different colour - so I have a feeling the ratio was different. I stupidly took it anyway and now I'm in a right state. I taste the essential oils in my throat, which I never do normally. I'm sure it not harmful, but I'm so so annoyed at still taking the capsule even though it looked different. Big mistake from me. I think the ratio had less olive oil and more of the essential oils. It normally looks yellow inside and today it was white. Anyway it's difficult to describe. Anyway clearly what I'm going through is psychosomatic, but knowing that still doesn't really help. I just can't be bothered with all these supplements and pills and the stresses they bring. Gone into a meltdown over such a small thing right now. It just I'm fed up of being so unbelievably sensitive, I can't take anything without stressing over it. Sorry man, caught me at the wrong time today. I haven't been this stressed for ages, I guess just built up. Knowing I could have avoided it by not taking the capsule that is what is getting to me. It's stupid situation and I'm just thinking out loud here. 

 

The good news is that I didn't wake up from my siesta with anxiety today - so it seems that the Curcumin just unsettled me for a few days and then settled as I expected. Other than that went on a different route again, so another good exposure. Mentally I handled it well, but physically it was tough. Still not improved physically from that dip I had few weeks ago. 

 

Anyway delighted for you about your afternoon. That's great to hear. I understand completely what you mean about feeling completely well then back to reality. If I go on a walk and feel great then towards the end start feeling knackered I get that feeling. I've had it so many times. It just gutting. Really cruel. Like you forget your situation and then it's shoved back in your face. Still great you had a cracking afternoon!! 

 

So yeah it was like derealisation but good derealisation! So like rather than feeling alone and isolated you feel connected to everything. But at the same time it is everything is just washing over you and nothing sticking. Everything just flowing. There was a massive traffic jam, car radios, tubes - a real busy Friday afternoon in London. But I felt no sense of being overwhelmed at all, I had no fear, I felt nothing could harm me. I actually thought to myself I feel like I am floating down a stream. I felt so confident but not cocky just at ease with situation, nothing getting on my nerves. No tension, my body very loose and easy. Just giving myself up to the moment. It really felt like I cut through that veil that makes everything seem so real, I was very aware what I was experiencing wasn't the REAL world, but just a dream before I awake up again in the next life. So it was like a lucid dream, I knew this life wasn't the only life, was just an illusion of sorts, was woke up to that reality. Everything we experience is formed in the mind, and this was like me be able to step back and just observe the process rather than be part of it. I was able to take myself out of the physical experience. I've long read that this life is a dream and dying is waking up, and this was the first time I've really felt that in practice, rather than just an abstract concept. If you have anymore more questions, please ask away. 

 

Anyway I'm unfortunately not in that state tonight, to put it mildly. I'm now stressing about my keyboard being sticky, having not washed my hands after looking at the oil pipettes. Complete mess tonight LOL!!! Not putting my teachings into practice tonight at all, dear oh dear man!!!! LOL!!!

 

Hoping for a good day for you tomorrow.           

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless                                                                                                                                                                             

[invalidusername]

Hey...

 

Sounds like you got yourself into a bit of a pickle with the capsules. Maybe your Mum had used some new olive oil? The wife uses a lot of posh oils and they have all got lighter and darker shades. Is your Mum some kind of homeopath, or does she get the information from somewhere else? Sounds interesting. What is it that you take? I have a friend who is a homeopath and she is always telling me stuff that I should be taking. But until I am settled, I don't want to be taking anything other than Kratom and the bloody Citalopram. Two variables is enough to be dealing with, as I am sure you would love to dealing with. Glad that the Curcumin is settling now. Hoping that you have a few days to calm after this.

 

Anyway, that said, I do feel for you. I know you well enough to know how sensitive you are having seen the smallest things topple you when you really don't expect it. This is the worst part as you have said before, it keeps you locked in a limited scope of life, and this is what gets to me almost every Sunday. I was too weak to do anything today, so I was in bed for most of it, watching the world go by and thinking how I should be out with the rest of the people doing all the stuff that people do on their day off. I try to tell myself that I deserve it having done a full week of work, study and shopping. But then I just start thinking what a crap life that is, to just work and then be so knackered that I need a day off to recuperate! But, thinking along your lines, I just thought sod it, and went for a 30 minute walk. Felt a bit anxious due to physical symptoms, but again thinking, how did LDN tap into this dream state. I just kept thinking this could be achieved at one stage - there is hope.

 

Speaking of which, thank you for taking the time out to describe further - even in the state you were in. I like the metaphor of stuff washing over you and not sticking. This is what I was picturing on my walk. There were plenty of people. Dogs barking. Cars going past. People shouting on their phones. It still effected me, but I was thinking that there will be a point when it won't. And there were times when I had trouble putting one foot in front of the other 18 months ago! Everything formed in the mind... yes. This plane is a place of our own schooling, and we make the lessons, successes and failures for ourselves. We clearly need to learn these things to take back with us and help others who suffer the same. Help those that have come over having endured a similar life to ours. Be the bringer of the good news that these people have made it to the Summerland where the torture of the mind not longer exists. We'll be there, with Nurse Gailage, helping these lovely souls recover!

 

I really want to press forward with this stuff you mention. I am a firm believer in it having read these last few books. There may well be a fair few questions as I go forward if you don't mind!

 

Anyway. Time to relax for the remainder of the weekend and take the week as I find it. Will look forward to hearing from you brother. Again, really proud of how you are facing these things you do head on. You are for sure in the minority of such people. So many would have thrown the towel in long ago, but you have embraced it and taken it on the chin. It is great to have people like you around for this encouragement. All the time there are, I can look to attain these same things. Just like my education, I don't sit back wishing I could achieve, I actively seek it out and do what needs to be done. Get a plan going, some goals and go for it!

 

Wish me luck man!! 

 

Love and Light and God Bless you

[LDN]

Man I'm really excited for your future and your determination to push forward with achieving a greater sense of peace and calm. It's great to see such determination despite everything you have been through. I am living proof that it works. Obviously for me I have worked hard to get to the this place, so it is so nice to see that hard work pay off. You will be no different. You have a very evolved spirituality and know far more than me on the NDEs and such, which will help massively going forward. I'd be delighted to help in any way possible going forward. It's actually so nice to be able to come on here and share my experiences with you - your completely on my wavelength spiritually so you get what I'm on about, whereas for most people they wouldn't fully get in. I actually couldn't wait to tell you about it on Friday. 

 

Today I had another really good walk. 25 minutes and just walked really at my own pace, nice and slow and I found this really helped, especially physically. As in London everybody walks at 100mph, I tend to get tense and push myself to walk fast to fit in. Today I found my own rhythm and found a real sense of confidence and didn't mind being overtaken. I felt quite anxious at the start of walk but I let it be and just was present and then just got in a really nice place. I almost feed of the fear in a good way. It like knowing your facing fears is quite exciting. Sort of putting my teachings to the test and when they pass it, it just feels amazing. It feels so good because you know you have found a model that works and you apply going forward. Also I've found great joy in the face of the fear, this something I felt last Friday and then today. Just letting go and giving it up is actually a very joy inducing experience. It's so cool because obviously on all the medication I am on, it dulls me but I've found this spiritual joy is not dulled by the drugs. I guess as it's not a sensory pleasure but something much deeper, it can transcend the effect of the drugs. This is major breakthrough for me, as I feared a life of just numbness and not really fully feeling things. I have that realisation now that fears and challenges are actually great catalysts for states of joy, if you know how to channel the energy and handle the experience. Today I was absolutely buzzing when I came back from my walk, even though I had started out pretty anxious as I say. Just a real sense of inner confidence in myself and no sense of inferiority. If I can more and more harness this state, then it's going to be exciting. 

 

My brother told me that he heard that they gave LSD to a Buddhist monk and he didn't find it anything special. I guess because from years of meditation he got to such a place that the mind altering effects of LSD weren't particularly special. If that story is true, it shows just how through practice you can get to a place of such transcendence. You have it all within you, it just needs to be worked on. It pretty exciting as I say. We have within us this extraordinary gift and most people have no idea about it. I have to say from the last few days I'm really seeing how the mind can take you to a place of such joy in a totally organic way, without drugs or drink. Also it leaves a lasting glow and strength, with artificial highs don't. It's like how I said after my huge ketamine trip that it wasn't as beautiful or special as the organic moments I had experienced. 

 

Anyway I'm sorry about your day, but I just think you need to show yourself some self-love. I do appreciate how frustrating it is, and as I say I am a major culprit of comparing myself to others. But I think we all have our own paths and it's important to remember that most of those people outside who look well, will have things going on in their lives which we can't see - divorces, maybe unhappy at work, substance abuse, feeling empty spiritually. Everybody has their own issues, but when we're ill we seem to look at others as if they are completely happy. I know I am majorly guilty of this for sure. I absolutely feel your frustration but I feel it is something that with your mind you can overcome for sure. Also remember you chose this path before you came, I know this is your spiritual position. 

 

I had a bit more anxiety this evening, so I think the Curcumin hasn't settled yet and that may well have been influencing my state last night. I am never like that, so I think there may have been some other influence. Spoke to my Lyme doctor again today and I have a few more supplements to take. So it may be a bumpy few weeks, just to warn you LOL! I want to be stable, but I need to crack on with treating the brain inflammation. I mean I'm really starting to miss music!! Also hopefully they lift my energy, which is badly needed. If they bring anxiety, hopefully I can grind through it!!!

 

My mum isn't a homeopath, but is very that way inclined. She was making me Tea tree and Eucalyptus capsules for my gut, where I have some fungus issues. 

 

I've got 3 appointments in 3 days now! Going to be tough! Had some confusion and didn't realise I had my osteopath tomorrow! 

 

Really exciting time for you now I think and I will try and help anyway I can. We work through it as a team!! 

 

I will be praying and hope for a good start to the week! So nice to talk as usual! 

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Yes - I am determined - despite what might stand in my way. I am reading so much now and digesting as much as I can. I am re-reading my mindfulness/depression book for the second time and there are things which are jumping out at me this time around that I obviously didn't get right away the first time. 

 

Unfortunately, whilst I was able to read today, I woke up with some horrific depression. The worst was over within 3 hours, so I got myself out to work, but the fatigue which followed was unbelievable. I was out for 4.5 hours, and the fatigue was just building up the whole time. I had to push through it, but by the time I got back home, I was in such a state. I had muscle twitches and full body spasms and could barely walk. It is not like normal fatigue where you feel like you are carrying around a dead weight, it is more than that. Something neurological as well, but I don't know what. It is really scaring me.  On the one hand, the head fog has stopped, but now I have this... and it is much worse! When will this stuff end?! I guess it could still be Lexapro withdrawal from 12 weeks ago considering it was cold turkey. Thank God for Kratom this evening! I would be screwed without it...

 

Great news about your walk - that sounds like the way to do it. Just let other people do their 100mph dash around. Facing the fear is the only way it is done. Change will not happen without changing yourself. Again, I want to face these fears, but walking round Tesco just to get bread and milk before I collapse from exhaustion is not what I call facing fears! Letting go and giving up is what needs to be done like you say. Holding on is going to make this stuff worse and cause it to be around for longer. I really love what you say about fears being catalysts for states of joy. What a great statement - and to say it and mean it. If you can truly believe in things like that, this is the last motivation you will need! Dammit - how do you get through all this crazy physical stuff man? I fell like I have got something seriously wrong with me with all my head problems and the fatigue... It has only been after I withdrew from the Cymbalta - how many times have we heard that on the site!? 

 

Your brother was right by the way - I did some digging around and sure enough.... in 1967.. read for yourself;

 

https://books.google... West."&f=false

 

Thank you for your words of self-love. Again, you are right. I have no idea how these people are feeling. Just because they are outside doesn't mean they have perfect lives... of course not. We also forget those 1 in 30 who suffering from agoraphobia, the same statistic for MDD... we just don't see them because they stay invisible. I need to remind myself that I can go about my life and be looked upon in just the same way. For all I know, someone in Tesco this evening was having an anxiety attack - saw me and thought, you lucky bastard.... just picking up that milk and bread like you don't have a care in the world. They wouldn't know any more than I wouldn't know. I don't want to walk around quoting statistics to myself, but a bit of perspective goes a long way.

 

So bearing in mind your energy levels, can I ask - if you do not mind - how you fill your day, and what you are capable of? It interests me as it looks like I will need to spend more time resting while my brain gets to grips with whatever stage it is in at the moment. And 3 appointments in 3 days! Good grief. All the best... how did the osteo go today?

 

Love and Light my wise brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Great post man! So enjoy reading you and being spiritual brothers!!! It so great to have some one to bounce ideas off and talk through things. If you stumbled onto our conversations you might be mistaken for thinking you were on a spirituality forum! Anyway it is such a pleasure for me to be able share my path with you, so thanks man!! Such beautiful timing that our paths should cross just at this critical spiritual moment in my life! Really excited for working as a team going forward now. Interaction and connection is such a important part of life and for so long I didn't have that. I had 8 years in the wilderness if you like, which obviously did have it benefits and I learned a lot from that time, but it gives me great joy to be back communicating and making friends. So thanks for putting up with me LOL! It means a huge huge amount to me to have your friendship!! I'm very lucky! 

 

I'm a bit behind tonight and got a very early start tomorrow - well early for me lol! I think most people would consider getting up at 12:50 as crazy late!! The dalai lama gets up at 3 in the morning, (and then meditates for 5 hours). I'm sort of the opposite end of the extreme. 

 

Sorry about your day man. Horrible to hear that. Well done for getting through it though! I get a lot a mental fatigue as well, though not sure it is the same as yours. For me it is like my brain is unable to take things in and starts to panic. I start to feel sort of mentally claustrophobic. I just have make sure I cut down on sensory exposure and just rest my brain. This is where my nap comes in handy. I have to be quite disciplined and say ok I need space and just go to my room and cut off for a bit by just reading about football. Equally in the evening I finding reading my books very soothing and good for rehabilitation. Justa having that mental space. 

 

Obviously you are much more advanced in terms of going than me, so it hard to suggest exposures. I mean for me going to Tesco would still be a massive achievement, but I know what your saying completely. It's like going in the garden was a big exposure for me last year, now it's a space to relax. If I just did the garden I would feel unsatisfied for sure. So I really get you. I think the big difference is you work and I don't so for me the exposure is the centre of my day. The exposure sort of is my job I guess, so it's much more difficult for you having the fit the exposures around a work schedule. I have huge sympathy for you. I mean obviously I would prefer not be so disabled I haven't worked for a single second since the end of 2011, but in moments like this it does have it's benefits. 

 

In terms of my day I wake up about 4ish assuming I have no appointments. Then shave and brush teeth and get changed. Then I go on my walk. When I get back I then normally if strong enough go in the garden for a bit. After that I have my infrared sauna for 30mins - not a flashy as it sounds at all, a pretty simple bit of equipment. This is for getting rid of toxins. Also it's nice because as I can't do exercise, it feels like I have as I come out all sweaty. Then I shower and take my supplements and go on my computer for a bit, then have a bit to eat. Then I have a 2 hour sleep, get up, read a bit about football, chat to my parents and then have supper. Then the evening the house is all mine. I come on here, then go and read for a bit. Then off to bed. Add in quite a bit of stretching for my ME treatment and bad back. The main energy is used up on my walk and then coming on here in the evening. Those are my 2 exposures for the day normally. 

 

Osteo today was fine, but did feel pretty knackered to be honest. My energy has really dropped the last few weeks. I then did a 10 minute walk to the post box for my mum, didn't feel strong enough mentally to go out at all, but thought it would be good exposure. 

 

Spot on about people perhaps having a panic attack and not knowing or something similar. People have all sorts of issues going and here in the west, people are worrying more often than not! It so important to get that perspective. I get that from my brother and sister, both mentally and physically fit and very active, but by talking to them when they not busy you realise they have lots of worries and things bothering them. They having to work so hard and here I am just resting and working on my mind. In some ways I actually wish they could slow down a bit, and though of course I would prefer to be well, being ill does give me the time and space to work on my mind that they just don't have. Always two sides to a coin. 

 

Got to run, as I need some sleep but have lots more to talk with you. You are spot on about letting go. I actually feel more calm and safe the more I let go. Thanks as well for that link. I had seen similar when I looked it up and found a reddit forum. I'm really interested in sadhus, so may get that book.  

 

Really hoping tomorrow is better for you my brother!! 

 

Also so happy to see NM back, was thinking about her last night, so really nice to see she is bravely fighting on! 

 

Sorry for being a bit rushed tonight - just 3 appointments in 3 days is a bit mental for me LOL!  

 

Love you man

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Evening brother!

 

I was only thinking last night that there are likely people who come here to the forum to read our daily posts that we are not aware of - so hi to all those who do! Hope you get some use from our banter! And ditto - to be in touch with someone that I can speak to and learn from is great. You at least have a baseline from which to place your foundations. Whatever happens, you will always have the forum... and myself!

 

Unfortunately today wasn't the best to begin with. I woke and was immediately fatigued before anything. I felt it as soon as I woke up and this just got me really down. The struggle of having to go about my day being so exhausted. I even got to the point that you say when you can't even read, or listen to music. All I could do for 3 hours was lay in bed. I felt so helpless, irritated, annoyed, depressed - the emotions were just so overwhelming. And it really did feel like mental claustrophobia - exactly that! My brain just wanted to do stuff, but was mentally not capable. So hard to describe.

 

It got to time to go to work and I just thought "f*** it", I refuse to let this happen. Went out and just got on with it. Downside being that I barely made it through the day, but the upside is that I proved it to myself and its another kick in the teeth for all these post-withdrawal problems.

 

All my anxiety exposure techniques I owe to Claire Weekes. Her method worked wonders for me. Tesco just doesn't bother me any more. Neither does work. I have the odd wobble, but I want to get onto the final hurdle or going further away from home, into more public areas - but until these physical problems clear up, it is just not possible. For example, if I managed to get the wife out to a nice Heritage site nearer London, and I got exhausted, we would be stuck as she cannot drive. Sometimes I don't get much in the way of a warning, and what a downer it would be to drive there, have an episode and have to quickly drive back. I don't want that. If it is anxiety, I will work through that, but physical problems are not anxiety, they are genuine reasons not to be trying this stuff and it is really getting to me that I cannot just get on with it! I do apologise as you have had to think of this stuff for years, and I cannot even begin to imagine... but you are for sure on the up, and to be at the spiritual state that you are would balance that equilibrium twice over for me! 

 

Didn't realise you had ME as well. I was convinced this morning that I had the early signs of CFS. It really worries me. I think this is what got me moving for work. But am I right in thinking that working/walking etc would get progressively worse as the hours went by? At the moment, the severity stays the same. Plus, before last Friday, it has been exhaustion rather than fatigue insomuch that I can rest peascefully, whereas since the weekend, it has been a far more unsettling state, no motivation etc. Not easy having health anxiety!!

 

I remember about 3 years ago when I went to a heritage site which had a network of tunnels and a guide that would take you through. No sooner had we gone down the 100 or so stairs underground and this girl had a panic attack and had to be escorted back outside. I remember thinking that I knew just how she felt and my pity for her. If she only knew that this is what people around her were thinking, she most likely wouldn't have had such a reaction. Funny how it works.

 

So what was the appointment today? Hope it all went well. Look forward to your reply as always!

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

Aww sorry about your day. Your just having to face so much right now. Seriously, your doing so well to keep going. I really have nothing but huge respect and admiration. I always thought I got lucky in that my problems started when I hadn't started uni yet and was just doing bits and pieces jobs. I meant I could just be ill and not have to make a bid decision, like dropping out of uni. Late teens and early twenties is quite a transitory stage of life, so I could just disappear and it wasn't such a big deal. I was talking to my brother to today about the states of mind I have achieved and he was saying you got to work hard for that. It was like what i what i was saying to you last night, because i've been in the wilderness it's meant I been able to have time and space to work on mind, whereas if at uni or whatever i wouldn't have had that time. I think the big thing right now is too not be to focused on time, for both you and me. For me definitely I'm just really enjoying the now and just want to be present. I have no plans past mid August. Time goes quicker when your not always checking on it. I find now my days are too short!! I always want to stay up later to read more! I think that a really good sign. A few months back i was counting down the hours a lot of the time. I remember my therapist told me to focus on 'thriving' not just 'surviving'. At the time I thought no chance. But actually know despite all my problems, I am able to enjoy myself amongst the uncertainty. I mean working on your mind does take work, but  it doesn't have take a huge time. Only a few months ago I was consumed with stress about my future. Even now of course it is still very much there. I think that's my biggest weakness, when I start to thing about my condition and think it's not getting better and it never will. The future still is very uncomfortable for me to think about. So I really need to work on this. But in the short term I don't fear the next week for example. So i just really really need to just live in this short term mind set and worry about what happens in the future when I am actually there. I not there yet so why not just enjoy now? This is what I need to work on. 

 

So to reassure you about CFS the more you do, the more knackered you get. It is very punishing, if you push yourself a little bit too much you'll really feel it. If your energy just stayed low, but didn't greatly get worse and worse I would say that doesn't sound at all like CFS. That is the big thing about CFS/ME the tiny window of what you can do. One of the doctors told me that someone had to to run to catch the bus and then because of that couldn't go out for a few days afterwards. My experience of anti-depressants is they suck so much energy out of me and cause me huge physical weakness, so I would think it is very likely that. I noticed with my dulox induced weakness that it generally doesn't get worse and worse but just stays or fluctuates. So even if I feel knackered one day it is no indicator on how tomorrow will be. The other week as I lay in bed to go to sleep my legs suddenly felt in huge pain, out of the blue. I could barely move in bed. Then since I not felt anything. Just weird. I know for sure my legs is the dulox, because last summer when i was off it felt like I had undergone a leg transplant!!! Obviously the anxiety was mad, but my legs felt bloody amazing mate!!! I had so so much more energy, it was crazy! But obviously the mental side of things was so horrific I had to go back on. It at least showed that the dulox was causing my leg problem and making me exhausted.

 

My ME treatment has gone well and that means now I don't have that post exercise exhaustion. So unlike a few years when I had to be unbelievably careful about what I did and basically I had to rest all the time, now I can push myself physically, like on my walks, and not get a backlash. So it was like going to one appointment a week was my absolute max. I initially didn't think I could even do that, so we were considering getting my osteopath to do home visits. So I would go out once, then spend the rest of the week recovering. At my worst I had a spell when I did leave the house at all for a few months. I had to eventually to do a blood test and that took a lot of planning and was like climbing everest to undertake. Now I can go out much more obviously and today for example when I came back from my appointment I still went on a walk and went in the garden. So very different than before, it's important to remember that things have been a lot worse for me! I forget it. 

 

So i had p doc today, who is super nice and very on board with my spirituality which is great! Tomorrow I have therapist and then a bit of a rest! 

 

'My brain just wanted to do stuff, but was mentally not capable. So hard to describe.' This is spot on, absolutely spot on for me. The desire is there for music, tv and such but the brain just can't handle it. The positive side of things is having had this for a long time it does improve, but obviously for me with music I relapsed!! 

 

Hope tomorrow goes well man! Great to talk! 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Right I need to get this out of the way first so it is done! I am sorry to have to report a bloody awful day. I got around 3 hours sleep and thoughts prevented me from getting any more, but as this was around 8am, the world had woken up. I tried as best I could to relax but what with scaffolding being put up on the building opposite and walls being knocked down in the building joining, the noise was insufferable. Workmen shouting to each other, radio blasting. I couldn't hold any of it. My fatigue and exhaustion was preventing me from moving so I became a prisoner. Not long after I had this mental clostrauphobia we spoke of yesterday, but much worse. I felt like I needed to run away from my head, it was just in a permanent state of panic, but there was nothing I could do to escape, so I just had to lay, do nothing and hope that it went. Fortunately, it did subside around 6pm, by which time I had been working for 2 hours and really not doing a good job of it. I just could not concentrate at all. I am getting so sick of all these issues that have come about after all the pills. There is just no let up in sight. Every day is something new to deal with. I at least know it isn't side effects of the Citalopram as they are changing, but it doesn't help. Maybe it is inflammation... I don't know.

 

Anyway - apologies for the rant, but much like you, I really appreciate being able to let it out to someone who can understand and doesn't mind! Bless you man... you have no idea how grateful I am for you to read of my woes!

 

Thank you for clearing up the CFS for me. As you say, it doens't sound like I need to worry as I can continue without the fatigue getting noticably worse. But your early days sound like a nightmare. I remember someone at my first Uni developed CFS and had to quit, but she was being taken around in a wheelchair for a while before she left. Poor girl. Her husband left her shortly afterwards as well - nasty bastard! So a good thing that you were never faced with such a decision. But you will have so much to give to the world once you are at a point to be out there more so than you are now. This is how I am trying to think. I have become a better person for having this time for perspective. I now just want the opportunity to give more, and I frequently pray this for the both of us. Just knowing how much of a story you have to give people and the difference you can make, we want you out there being the antithesis of silly medication and so forth with your spirituality! 

 

I was reading earlier in my meditation book of how one person was saying that their good days where still only those that he didn't have as many bad thoughts, and I thought to myself... but this IS progress. My good days can be measured like that, but 18 months ago, a good day was when I didn't have a panic attack, but I would still be anxious most of the day. Now a good day is when I am not anxious at all - and they do happen! If it weren't for the physical stuff!! Grrrr. Perspective is a big consideration in our road to recovery and I really need to see this. It is stress for the future as you say. This always gets me. We need a strategy for getting this in perspective man! Do you keep a journal at all? I have one spanning the last 18 months... 75 pieces of A4 paper! The p-doc thought I was nuts, but I am very much like ur Hat in this respect. These notes serve to be a very good reference tool - especially when you have to work things out for yourself.

 

Glad the p doc went well and am now thinking of you having done your therapist today too and are now relaxing well knowing that you have some time off! Wonderful feeling for you! So, how did the therapy go? Any more exposures to speak of? And what an amazing place to be at for exposures - nothing more than the capital city to test the reserve of your anxiety coping mechanisms!

 

Right. I need to have a dose of Kratom to take the edge off my state. I am still holding back from taking it during the day. I know it would help, but I am of an addictive disposition, so I am not giving myself to that potential risk. Knowing I can rely on it in the evening is good enough for me, and that is how it will stay. I don't need any more withdrawals on my hands!! LOL.

 

Thanks again for listening... love you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man I'm so sorry. That sounds like hell. How you been sleeping generally recently? But so well done for going to work and getting on with your day! Yet again I'm in awe at your bravery and determination. I mean it's people like you and gail that I look up to as heroes. I was thinking this the other day. If somebody asked me who is your hero, who do you really admire, I would say my brothers and sisters I have been blessed to meet on this forum. You can really see why Jesus was so interested in those who suffer and why he starts the iconic Beatitudes with 'blessed are the poor in spirit' - what me and my mum and dad think is a reference to mental illness. I personally very strongly believe this is what he meant. It's the first line, the first people he mentions - for me that tells me a lot. Jesus understood just how horrific mental illness is and wanted to make sure we knew he understood that we suffer almost like no other. Of course he then adds 'for theirs is the kingdom of heaven!! So we have a special blessing!! Also I was talking to my dad about Mary Magdalene and he was saying how her many 'demons' was considered to be depression. She obviously was right up there in terms of important figures in Jesus' life!! Obviously Jesus healed her, which I think you and both wouldn't mind right now!! But at the same time is Jesus with us more than we think? Can we not still be healed but not just a drastic way, but something more subtle? I think so. 

 

I was thinking yesterday real bad depression is like hell on earth. I remember at the time of my worst depression I said I have lost all fear of hell, because what can worse than this! But also some of the states I have reached on a positive note feel like heaven on earth. Like they say in Buddhism, you don't have to die to go to nirvana. What I have felt in my mystical states is very similar to what I have read people feel in NDEs. The sense of all conquering love, peace, calm, unity, oneness, a deep joy, nothing to fear. It completely overcomes you and in that moment you KNOW, not feel, KNOW that everything is going to well and there is nothing to fear. It's like what I said after the ketamine. I had the mother of all trips, properly in the k-hole, and yet is was meagre in terms of lasting impact and power to what i had experienced organically. Once it was over it was over, whereas what you feel organically changes you. It makes you feel more pure, stronger. It gets into your bones. For that reason alone I am happy I did the ketamine. It showed I wasn't nearly appreciating what I had and how lucky and precious my brief moments of transcendence truly where. 

 

Also man you have no need to apologise. Seriously I'm going to get a bit emotional here LOL but I feel so much love for you. I mean when I think of you in my day or in my prayers I really feel such a strong love. It is so beautiful and feels wonderful. This forum and our bond have brought me amazing joy. I really love talking with you and it means so much to me. I have to thank God for sending me on here. Spiritually it is so fulfilling. I did my hard yards in the wilderness years but coming on here and sharing my journey with such special souls has taken things to next level. I moved a step up the ladder if you like, by finding true soul mates on here. People you can connect and bond over suffering is something truly beautiful, it is a bond most people can't understand. 

 

So never feel bad and let it all out whenever you want. Obviously I so want you to do well but having had many a rant on here myself, I know how much it helps. So I am always here man, whatever!! 

 

I feel optimistic for you in that thoughts is an area that with work can improve hugely. I am a testament to that. I won't be over night, but as long as you don't run away and always accept them in however painful you break through. It tiring and exhausting but trying to block them out will never work and just makes them more scary. Let them and tell them they can come whenever. This is what I did and it made a huge difference. It does take time but it is so fulfilling to see the change take place. I know you know this already. Just let them be there. I have had severe psychotic depression, so I know how thoughts can control you. Also through my OCD group therapy I have how intrusive thoughts can be horrific for others. But speaking from my experience you will get there. I am actually excited to see what the future holds for you! But right now it so tough I know! 

 

So therapist went really well as usual, the chemistry is just spot on, which is tough to get with a therapist. So yet again God has been so good to me. It have major anxiety today. I got back from the therapist and was just relaxing and then I thought i had better do my walk. I think as I had sort shut down since getting back, suddenly going out just shook me up a lot. I wasn't in the right frame of mind, my mind was in rest mode. I'm comfortable going out in rest mode at the moment, so really bad anxiety hit me. It's quite frustrating I have to be in the right frame of mind to go out, I can't just go out whenever without any consequences but at least it is something to work on. The anxiety was bad but I think I dealt with it well. I told myself it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to anxious. I think if I had started worrying it might have got really bad. I said to myself how I react to this anxiety will determine this experience, not the anxiety itself. I'm going to feel anxiety from time to time, so it's about having a calm attitude and not placing meaning on the anxiety. I actually was using the anxiety as a tool for meditation. So sort of resting in the anxiety and not running from it. 

 

Just one question man, obviously only if your comfortable and of course you can PM me, but you often mention 18 months ago and I'm not entirely sure what was going on for you then. It just think it might help me understand your journey. But as I say only if your comfortable. 

 

Really really hope tomorrow is better!! 

 

Will be praying. 

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man... Thanks again for such a supportive message. I again really needed it this morning. And you are right, there are the bravest people I've known who grace these pages. I know Hat doesn't like the attention, but to have gone through his fearful withdrawal battle AND a veteran survivor is really something. For Gailage to do all she does from her position of solitude... NM for the same in her little Scottish village - and then yourself battling anxiety (among everything else) right in the middle of one of the world's busiest cities! Heroes for sure.

 

When you were mentioning about Mary Magdalene, for some reason I remembered the book that I have been looking out for now for a long time - The Psychic Dimensions of Mental Health by Dr Authur Guirdham. It is meant to be an amazing spiritual-baed study on mental health, but everywhere I have looked for it, it is out of print. Real shame. But yes, mental health would have been around 2000 years ago, despite its abundance today. At least they didn't have Cymbalta!! It is unfortunate that people like that were stereotyped as having evil spirits and so forth, but the fact that Christ did not avoid such people clearly says otherwise.

 

So today, I woke up with depression from the reminder of the last two days, and within a few minutes, I was experiencing the most hoffic agitation. A dog started barking continuously outside, and within about 30 seconds, I was a ball in my bed and feeling like I was going insane. This continued for some time, until about 90 minutes later I took valium. This sent me off into a semi-conscious sleep and helped a bit, but it has been there all day. I just can't take all these different episodes of problems. But as I said before, there is still all the noise of the building works going on. I thought the scaffolding was done, but I then noticed when I woke that they are doing the other side of the building. I think anyone forced to sit through all this would end up going a bit stir crazy. I am craving silence. I need it!! The funny thing is, my anxiety and aside from the first bit of depression in the morning, that side is not effecting me at all. Just the torture of all the other stuff. I am still meditating three times a day, but it is very tough as I cannot sit still for more than a few minutes. My mind is doing its best, but the agitation just takes over. 

 

Oh my goodness. There's another dog off now. Five barks - pauses to breathe - five barks - ad infinitum. Who the f*** lets their dog do this? It is nearly midnight. I can't take it man!! 

 

Speaking of OCD - Veale's book finally turned up in the post today! Bought cheap from an eBay seller - not a great move. I had amost given up on it turning up - but is here now. I will be giving it a good read as well as the wife, just so I can help her - and no doubt it will help me in places too. I will let you know how we get on. When I look up psychotic depression it really scares me - so this, in addition to depression, is a disconnected state with added voices, imagery and so forth?! I shouldn't probe should I...!! But it gives us all a sense of just how far that spectrum goes. 

 

Glad the therapy went well, but sounds like you hit to point that I did a few days back when I felt compelled to go for a walk. Some times we need to know when to let go and accept we can't do something. It is so difficult. I am sorry to hear that the anxiety hit you. Can you pinpoint what it was other than the frame of mind? What were the thoughts that were making you anxious? It IS ok to be anxious, and as always, anxiety is normal for everyone, it is what we do with the thoughts that matters... and float as you have done before. 

 

I will PM you with the 18 months story so you can get a better idea of what I am all about! Perfectly happy to discuss with you man - happy to discuss anything. 

 

That bloody dog is still at it. Need to practise letting this stuff wash over me, and any other time it does. I am quite sure that my brain is just going through changes which are sensitive to noise - and it is just bad timing with all the building work and dogs and wot not...

 

Right - over to the PM...

 

Love you brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

Thanks for that PM, that really helped me have a better understanding of your journey. What a 2 years for you brother, nothing but respect and love from me here!! 

 

I should say I am washed out tonight. Don't know why but just knackered and brain completely empty. 

 

Oh feel you about annoying sounds!! Today they had a corporate do across the street and I had to put up with thumping music for a good few hours. When you hear the beat but can't hear any melody, just an incessant beat and blurry noise. It was so annoying, like someone smacking my head with a hammer!! It make me feel pretty anxious to be honest. That distant music thing is so ugly. 

 

Today was okayish. Went on my walk and my legs were starting to hurt a bit, so slowed down and just loosened up and got in a chilled rhythm. This helped physically, but I was being overtaken a lot. Then i would look up and the person who overtook me would have almost disappeared in the distance!! I like my 80 year old walk, but man people in London are just intense. Work, work, work. Money, money, money. Everybody walking past me like they were possessed or something. Lots with headphones on, lots glued to the screen of their phones. I was like guys just chill out and take in the surroundings you know? It nuts, I'm so out of place here it's a joke lol!! London is not what you would call a place you come to for enlightenment LOL!! I think of the Buddhists in their monasteries in the middle of mountains, miles and miles from the nearest town, and here I am where it is noise noise noise, stress stress stress. In London everybody is so self consumed it's mad. Like if you smile at someone they would probably call the police lol!! If I can get a small nod from somebody who i give way to that is HUGE. But it's a test. If I can be mindful in this jungle then anywhere else should be easy lol!! Drilling, road works, building works on about half the buildings, tubes overhead, constant traffic, blaring car radios, car horns - it's a sensory assault. If I didn't live in London, but came up for the day, I would be so sacred, not sure I would ever come back. 

 

Got a bit anxious this evening, and now obviously exhausted. So a bit up and down. Feel a bit flat and empty. 

 

Man that book sounds amazing. I had look but like you can't find anything! Have you read any R.D. Laing? I haven't, but I know he looks at mental health in a very unique and different way. 

 

In terms of my anxiety it's not triggered by thoughts, it is normally a change in my supplements, like right now or doing an exposure. So yesterday I think probably was the fact I'm not used to going out in a 'rest mode' state of mind. I have no doubt this Curcumin is the main culprit at the moment. The anxiety came back exactly as I started it. As I mentioned this has happened before with other supplements. It is annoying but for the long term I need to stick with it and hopefully like last time it settles down. I have to start a few more supplements soon as well, so it's going to be bumpy for a bit. I was never like this before the dulox withdrawal but like you it's completely messed my nervous system up. Just so ridiculously sensitive now. We are very similar situations I think. But man what your brain has been through with all those different drugs, wow, I'm surprised how well your doing to be honest! Crazy journey, but the together we will get through it. I was thinking last night, time just is such a big healer. Sometimes we just have to hang around and stick in there. It took me years to figure out what was going on in my life, now finally i have a bit of direction, but it took so long. I just had to wait for my mind to adapt and find it's calling. 

 

Ok man about to collapse here! So hope that dog has fallen asleep!! 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Well, I hope your anxiety calmed down a bit and you managed a good sleep - that music I can imagine would have unset the system a little bit. It sounds like your anxiety is similar to my own that it is when you are doing something that hasn't been tried and tested before. When I am in a situation like in a traffic jam, or Tesco, I think to myself, well I am always doing this - just let what ever happens happen. But when it is something that I haven't done before, or if I am doing something differently, it becomes out of my control insomuch that I cannot be assured of the outcome - hence anxiety. Does that make sense? Does that ring close to what you have?

 

I think the fact that all that noise is coming from the street where you EXPECT it, does help. When I go outside from my flat, I become much more accepting of what is going on. I think it is the fact that this is all happening right in my neighbourhood - like I am being tortured in my own home. A home is meant to be a place of rest, or happiness and calm. When this gets invaded, I think the effects are amplified as you can't outrun it.

 

I woke again to depression dread and did another 2 hours of thought control lying in bed. I didn't need any valium this time. I saw it through, but the noise was still getting to me, but this time it was more of a stress feeling, not agitation. I just wanted to scream and kick everything. Going to work didn't help - neither did going to see my parents. As soon as I walked in, they were arguing about who lost the key to the windows. I ended up shouting at them as I just couldn't take it - it wasn't really an argument, just an annoying discussion - but I felt like I was going to pass out from the stress... if that again makes sense?! It eased off around 6pm and I am not feeling it now. So part of me is thinking my brain has wired itself properly, but I still cannot be sure, thus am naturally anxious about what tomorrow will bring. 

 

Not read any RD Laing - but was looking up on his bio and came across an interesting article;

 

https://www.theguard...lhealth.society

 

Says a lot about people who look too far into this line of questioning! It is almost contageous! 

 

You are doing the right thing on your walk - just to let people by. I of course drive most places and it is exactly the same on the road. Just let them be. My problem is that I drive a sports car which gets a lot of attention, so people "try it on" all the time, but I am not that sort of person. On occasion when I am annoyed, I just put my foot down and just leave them in a cloud of smoke, but it is not the boy racer in me - I just get annoyed! I only drive fast when I want to - on my own - on a deserted A road where I am no threat to anyone else. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we went on a sabbatical to one of these monasteries? Do you think we would ever come back?! I see things all the time on the TV of how people go off for a retreat and end up having their life changed. I would certainly welcome that! Most of our time is spent meditating and reading, so what do we have to loose!

 

Right - time to relax as best I can, and wait for the morning. Really hope there is an end in sight. This week has been a nightmare and I just want my brain back!!

 

Thanks for all your support, brother.

 

Lots of Love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Man what you saw about anxiety is completely spot on for me. If I go on a route I have before I have the evidence I have done that route and been fine so if I feel anxious i can brush it off as a bad day. Whereas if I go on a new route and get anxious then I feel fragile and will blame it on the new route. This then makes me feel a bit pathetic that I failed the new route. This is new it takes such bravery to do something different. 

 

Oh man this is such a crap week for you. I so sorry. Just wish I could do more to help. I like the sound of thought control practice. I was thinking to myself to suggest that you might try meditating when you can't sleep. It sometimes takes me a long time to get off to sleep and I often actually really enjoy it because I use it as an opportunity to meditate and contemplate. I try and meditate most of the day when I'm not taking to someone. On my walks, in the garden, at meals, while i lie in bed. In the Rinpoche book he says how he knew a Buddhist teacher who managed to be present in his dreams! I guess he must have meant every dream was a lucid dream! Also I think I told you about Rinpoche's dad who was having an operation without anaesthetic and couldn't feel any pain despite being cut open!! The forget to do the anaesthetic and he didn't even notice!! The power of the mind man!!

 

Also I forget to mention the neighbours were having major building work a few years ago, and it was literally right outside my window. Radios, drilling etc. My exhaustion was so bad at the time that I think I managed to sleep through it most of the time. It was about 3 years ago, the height of my weakness. But I mean if I looked out of my window they were literally right there, I could almost touch them. This went on for about a good 6 months. They had cellar installed, so endless drilling into the ground. Horrific stuffs. Would have been terrible for my health, my doctors were horrified. Imagine all that crap floating up to my window. 

 

I was meditating last night and I had a good insight. Its hard to explain as it sounds really obvious, but it felt profound. Basically I was feeling depressed and I thought what's going on here. I imagined the process in my brain and then resulting effect on my nervous system. I realised it was all completely a biological situation and it wasn't that deep. Just a biological process. This was very reassuring, realising it was nothing to do with the spirit and just flesh. It made it seem unimportant. I mean I felt really bad but that's all it was a feeling. It didn't have any deeper significance. My spirit health is great right now and that's what matters. They talk about mental health and physical health, but what about spiritual health? That the most important one!! So I was like my brain chemistry right now is awful but in the greater scheme of things apart from being hell to live with it's not that big a deal on a spirit level. I found this so reassuring. The path I have chosen is of the spirit, so I can't complain too much when that aspect of myself is doing well. Anyway I hope that made some sense lol!! 

 

Really hope for a better day tomorrow!!! I remember when the builders were there I always looked forward to Sundays, like 'yes!!!! They have finally gone!!!!'. You were so brave to choose this path for yourself my friend!! 

 

Keep going and I am always here!!! Things will get better! 

 

I love you man 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Glad I got the anxiety bit right! We can collaborate together on this in the future! As I have said many times before, this is what I want to work on as soon as my physical health improves. Much like you, I did a 20 minute walk even though I was very weak, but felt I needed the air and to get out at least once in the day to avoid getting cabin fever. We are slowing merging into the same person here

 

Crickey - who has a cellar installed?! That must have been a nightmare for all involved, but what a blessing that you would have slept through most of it. The building work next door to my flat has been going on since November when I was ending my Cymbalta withdrawal. It seems like it will never stop. Some days are worse than others - it is a lottery, but this week was by far the worst to date. 

 

This biological process you speak of happens in some cases. I have a friend who used to suffer from really bad panic attacks, and one day he cured instantly. When asked, he told me he was sitting on the train and got into another panic attack but "realised" that it was just his brain doing all the work and not him. As soon as that realisation set in, they stopped and he has never had another one! Lucky b*stard was my thinking at the time. If we could only all cure that easily! But yes, it is just our flesh, our casing, our shell (as you like to put it!). This is why it is so easy to consider the lack of suffering when we reach the Summerland. Our spirit will have conditioned the health of our soul, not our bodies, our wealth or our possessions. Spiritual health is indeed the most important. All the books I have read insist that preparation for th return Home is to ensure that our spirit is clean of guilt, anger, spite, greed and addicition - and respledent with love - all attributes that serve to colour the spirit and that we can control.

 

Happy to report a better day.. at last. Remarkable considering there was 8 hours of festival again right outside. The worse part was two bands playing over one another which produced conflicting rhythms and atonal dissonances - which as a musician is very harsh to my ear. But somehow I managed to get through it. I started the day with some thought practise and somehow managed to block it out. Not exactly accepting it, but letting it be in the background. There were times where I would "tune in" and it would kick my anxiety off, but I soon stopped it. I feared the worst, but it just didn't happen - and instead a normal-ish day occurred! Hurrah!

 

So how has the day been your end? Don't forget that you do not need to push yourself - especially after a week full of appointments. Remember we need to know where to draw the line. If you feel like a "usual route" walk, then do that. It will still strengthen your will against the anxiety. On my walk I also had a sit down for 5 minutes, wrote a couple of texts, and then gave directions to a stranger looking for the next town. Really helps with confidence thinking that these people are looking at you as someone totally "normal". He can't possibly be anxious or depressed if he is outside alone, away from home and talking with strangers!! It is like I am someone else, but THAT is the real me!! Dammit. We can get there! 

 

Look forward to hearing from you brother.

 

Love and Light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

LOL yeah slowing merging into the same person! 

 

Happy to hear your day went well. Really great news. But 2 bands at once OH MAN!! Not sure I could have handled that. Making me really uncomfortable just thinking about it.  

 

Went on a completely new route today which was good, I handled the anxiety really well. So that gave me a real feeling of satisfaction. That's the good thing about London, there is so many different routes right on the doorstep. Felt a bit surreal and I was thinking 'wow I'm actually doing this'. Very empowering. I have got to the point were fears have sort of become an addiction. So on my walk today I could have gone back the same way but because I feel the fear inside me about going back a different road I thought I have to face that fear, I can't let that fear stop me. It's like I get a buzz of it, I'm actively seeking out fears. I'm determined for my mind practice to face my fears. Obviously I need to be pragmatic as well, so can't do too much, but whereas exposures before left me feel dread before doing them, now I'm excited. It's a complete shift in my mental process - now fear equals good. I don't know if you have read Victor Frankl, but it's a bit like what he calls 'paradoxical intention'. It's just so exciting to me how we can re wire our brains. It's a bit like putting yourself through a re-education camp but in a good way - as I say just constantly pushing this 'fear is good' focus. Obviously it wouldn't be great advice if I was living in a safari park but thankfully I don't lol!! I would have been eaten by a lion by now!! 

 

I was thinking today how I actually feeling a peace and enjoyment in the present. I'm not there yet of course, but I have a feeling I have work to do ahead of me, which is quite a exciting feeling. Huge shift in my mindset since end of last year. It does swing though, just some moments I really feel very content and at peace in my situation. Of course at others, I feel terrified about my health!! 

 

I'm a bit empty headed tonight and feel a bit knackered. 

 

Hope tomorrow goes well and again seriously well done for today!! So pleased!

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Reading your posts guys,is inspirational! Long life to your posts. Love you two

[invalidusername]

Thanks Gailage - if one other person gets something from them (in addition to LDN and I), then we should be truly thankful.

 

Love you back... lots!

[invalidusername]

A short lived victory for me yesterday... I woke up to a very agitated wife who told me that I had been throwing my arms and legs about in my sleep and making some very distrubing noises all night; she didn't sleep well. I quickly felt a very disturbing cloud of intense anxiety, but I had nothing to case it on. I thought if I was worried more about health, upcoming situations... nothing, but the feeling was horrible. After an hour, I gave up and took some valium - and only 2gm at that. It sent me off into a mental coma and gave me dizziness and headache from which I just couldn't snap out of. I am getting so sick of this stuff man. So sorry to keep on about it, but I just don't understand what it has all been about. I can accept my subconscious doing its thing, but all these days where I am confined to my bed. I just can't take it anymore. It is no life whatsoever. The only respite I get is around this time when I miraculously feel better.

 

That said, around 8pm, noting that we didn't have milk for the morning, I just had another "f**k it" moment, and walked myself to and from the supermarket and to hell with whatever happened. I just didn't care. If I fell, I fell. Fortunately I didn't!

 

Unfortunately, I do not have much in the way of inspiration to speak of much else. This is what is the hardest part to swallow. I miss my zest for life, for my creativity, spirituality. When all your energy goes, so does everything else, as I am sure you can well relate to. 

 

However, I am determined to practise in putting the past behind me. It is very difficult for me to sit here and forget about what happened for the first 8 hours of my day. Of course I am going to worry about it, whether it will continue to affect my work and so on. But worry will only intensify it, and I need to somehow learn to accept it... but not knowing what it is and when it will end makes it very difficult. Again, I know you can relate, as can so many on this forum. I know I am not alone, and that helps. These drugs have ruined so many years of so many people and it is such a shame. Again, sorry for the downer, but I can't pretend that everything was rosy today considering the week I've had!!

 

My love and thanks to you for understanding me my brother.

 

God Bless you

[LDN]

Hey brother

 

Listen you never NEVER feel bad for saying how it is. We're not here to sugar coat things or put on a brave face, we have enough of that outside of the forum. We come on here to let out what were feeling and get things out of our system. I love our relationship and that doesn't change whatever the content. It is our struggles that brought us together. One of my first conversations with you was when i was suicidal and you helped me through. This what were about. Let all your emotions out man, I'm here for that. Just letting them out in itself helps a bit, so it's super important for you to do. Also to people who understand what you've been through. 

 

Man my heart hurts for you so much BUT you will get through this. With time things will get better, they always do. Right now don't worry yourself with too much, just stick at it. These are the moments where it's purely about getting through it nothing else. No other worries. Just keep it simple. Focus on the next hour and so on and so on. We seen we you how up and down it is. So you may well be on the cusp of a good spell. It changes very quickly with you, and the positive of that is you never know when things will suddenly pick. So stick in there and those good moments will come. 

 

An HUGE well done for going to supermarket. Massive bravery, as I have said you are a BRAVE BRAVE HERO. An absolute legend!! 

 

It took me 7 years to read and 8 years to find that spirituality, that peace. I not saying for one minute things will take as long with you, but the point is if you can just stick in there things will change. When your in a hole like this, things are always worse than they really are. You see things in the most negative light. Your seeing things how they really are. If faced this many times, in the depths everything feels beyond repair and then a few days later the world looks completely different. 

 

I've had 8 years of suffering and I'm sure they are plenty more downs for me to come, but look at what I have achieved with your help spiritually in the recent weeks. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I know the feeling you describe so so well. Been there in and out for 8 years. Sometimes we get caught in the eye of the storm, but his storm will pass, they always do. 

 

So remember I love you so so much man, and I am here always. You have my number. You are not alone and together we will work together through this!!! 

 

I can't say why you must face this torture but one day you will know, and all will make sense. 

 

SO I AM ALWAYS HERE!!!

 

So I am here and also sending LOVE!!! 

 

LOVE will get you through this.

 

I will be praying 

 

Love you always brother!!!

 

It's an honour knowing you!! 

 

God Bless

[fishinghat]

You have been this way too long my friend. I just don 't know where to go from here. Things just don't seem to be improving, not even slowly and by this time it definitely should. That makes ne think it is most likely side effects but then your on ly choice is to change AD. Too what? Will it work? Will you still have side effects/ BUT you can't stay like this forever.

[invalidusername]

Thank you Hat. I also do not know where to go from here either. It has been 13 weeks on the Citalopram (and nothing else). Things have got worse, but I have been putting that down to the switch between Lexapro and Citaolpram, but like you said, there should have been something by now.

 

The noise situation going on has certainly had an effect on me, but the AD's should be giving me some sort of a buffer... and they aren't. 

 

Maybe I am wrong in thinking that my brain is screwed up with all these pills changes and it is the citalopram that is causing these problems? How long does one wait? And of course, I worry that another one will cause issues... but can it be any worse than it is now?

 

I am laying here praying for guidance and strength.

[fishinghat]

"can it be any worse than it is now?"

Really. Good point.

[invalidusername]

I have just been to the pharmacy to collect Citalopram and spoke in length to the pharmacist in there. Starting from the switch to Duloxetine back in July. He seems to think that 30mg is too much Citalopram and everything that I am going through IS side effects. He said the same as you Hat, that after 3 months, regardless of the cold turkey of the Lexapro, things should have improved by now. 

 

He suggested 25mg again by taking 30/20 alternate days. 

 

Also annoyed that I have two different Pharma's of Citalopram. I asked if they had all the same, but they didn't...

[fishinghat]

I don't think the 30/26 alternating is a good idea. It should help but not as much as staying on a flat 25. I would rather see you take a 20 mg every 20 hrs which equals 24 mg/day.