2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Hey bro...

 

Go easy on that 26 minutes!! That is still quite an effort - remember that most people never get their prescribed 30 minutes a day exercise. They get in their car, drive to the office and the only walking they get is to/from the coffee machine. You are doing much more than most! I expect that most of them would feel knackered if they did a 30 minute walk too

 

So, all three of my appointments were cancelled today! I felt very disheartened - and worried a bit about money. But the construction noise was full belt again which woke me up after 6 hours. I immediately went into a ball of dispair knowing what I would have to face. I just wanted to blank out and be out of it for as long as I could, so I took a valium - and I know I shouldn't have. This got me thru 90 minutes, but then I just felt like a junkie for doing that. I had my earplugs in to get rid of most of the noise, but knowing it was there and even the slight noise that I could hear was enough to keep me in a perpetual state of anxiety. I was a wreck by 4pm when they packed up and went home.

 

I then had a call-out come through and despite feeling like death I just took it on the chin and thought - as you have shown me - what do I have to loose? Went out - took and hour - earned a few quid and felt a little better. But as soon as I got home, I was soooo exhausted and could do nothing but lay. I figured this was the anxiety state, but it still bought the depression on pretty damn fast. I am just sick of how every day is such an effort. My reserves are low and I want to keep going, I don't want to give in, but when your body just gives up, what can you do?! I of course, know you will understand. Apologies for the rant!

 

It is the acceptance that you say. And it is so much easier to say! 

 

Best book would have to be Testimony of Light for sure. This has got me through some very dark times. The children that time forgot is quite a close second. The evidence in that book is simply undeniable. How anyone could read that and still not be at least having a good long hard think about there being an after life I do not know... But I tell you something man, when Gail, you and myself get up there, we will be kicking our own arses for giving ourselves such a hard road to travel whilst here... what were we thinking of?!! LOL

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man 

 

NUTS DAY!! Weirdest day for a long long time! So first of all had about 12 hours sleep! Haven't slept that long since about 2016. I slept through all my alarms, didn't even hear them?? Normally if I have a long sleep I hear my alarms but just too tired to get up, but this time I didn't even hear them. One of them is on the floor so I can't turn it off and really loud, goes on for about 30 mins before stopping. I must have slept through 30 mins or so of that without even noticing!! I woke up and looked at the time and it read 7 40pm and I was like What?? I just could believe it. In past I would have had a panic attack as it meant my whole day was out of sync. The dulox makes me fall asleep about 2 hours after taking it,  and I can't take it at night because one of my doctors told me not to and also it makes me not sleep well. So I took it straight away when I was up and then after a 12 hour sleep I was back sleeping again about 2 and 1/2 hours later!! 

 

I wanted to make sure I was tired for my second sleep so I went out in the garden. I didn't feel up for the streets. Anyway did the watering for my mum and then just thought lets see how long I can last. I wanted to actually see what would if I just kept going! So we got to 42 minutes my record for being in the garden in one go. I kept on going got to 52 mins and then I was like 'I have to make an hour!!'. So I kept on going until an hour and finally came in after and hour and 2 minutes. I could have even kept going but it was time for me to sleep again. So I smashed my record by 20 minutes!! I was paying really close attention to my body and what I was feeling. I wanted to really analyse what was going on. This is easier in the garden than in the streets because you can give it 100% focus. I noticed it was brain that got tired before my body. My legs hurt but they kept going okay. It was my brain that was the problem. After a while I was restricted in taking in my surroundings. My head was firmly placed looking at my feet. When i had initially came out, it was looking up at the sky. My brain was really struggling. I had a headache and felt a bit dizzy. I was almost completely switched off to what was going on around me. It was like a blur or a haze. But as long as my legs kept going I wanted to carry on to see what would happen. I would have been able to this in the streets for risk of getting run over or something. My brain felt very heavy and it was all hazy. But my legs weren't giving up on me. So anyway it was fascinating experiment. It sounds boring walk back and forth in a small garden for an hour but actually it was completely fascinating as I was so closely analysing my body reactions. 

 

So the early take aways are that my legs have it in them to do an hour - that is massive. It completely shocked me. Clearly now the big problem is my brain inability to last during anything strenuous. What is causing such a weak, fragile brain? I'm not sure but at the moment it seems possibly inflammation. So the main thing now is to sort out this brain. How? Not sure, but if my legs can do an hour it's my brain holding me back. 

 

It's a relief in a way to learn this, because it means it's not the dulox that is my main problem but rather the lyme and co-infections that have damaged my brain. It's much easier to accept the lyme as the main problem, because it was a situation I could do nothing about. It just nature, getting bit by a tick. Part of living on earth. Whereas with the dulox, that more makes me angry and annoyed with myself. 

 

Yeah so mental day. Why on earth I slept for almost 12 hours out of the blue like that I have no idea. 

 

So sorry to hear about your day. But a massive well done for going to the job, that took guts man!! I so feel for you, but you are doing all the right things!! And that's all you can do! Do your best on what you can control and what you can't you just have to let it be. Tough though!! When I woke up this evening I said to myself almost straight away 'this is a real opportunity to put what you have been learning into practice'. I was so disorientated but I thought lets just float through this and embrace the uncertainty with curiosity rather ran run from it. I had to work out a plan and getting panicked would not have helped the situation. Also it was an example of unexpected positives coming from a difficult situation, as I would never have pushed myself so much in the garden if I wasn't so intent on making me tired so I would be able to sleep again so soon. 

 

I am praying. 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

12 hours sleep - you lucky sod!! What I would give for that! I am averaging around 5 hours at the moment courtesy of the weather and construction works. Why do you have alarms? Is if for meds/treatment and so forth? You'd be fine down here in my flat then.... 7am bedtime is a bit of a push for me, but I did used to do that back in my online gaming days!!

 

Fantastic for smashing your record in the garden man! So, what is it about the outside that causes the dizziness and the strange surroundings? Have to say I am a bit worried for you pushing it to see what happens much further! That said, I felt horrible today, but still kept going from 3-5pm and then 6-9pm, which is quite a long time for my work at the moment. So you don't sit or anything, you keep pacing? So is that why you start to feel a bit funny? Do you not ever just sit outside with a book and take in the er, lovely London air?!

 

Thinking about what could be causing your brain issues and it is a real unknown. It would be good to try a few light experiments to see what occurs. Obviously knowing nothing about the treatment, but is there some sort of exposure treatment you can do for your brain? I am having to do that with this noise at the moment as I have found that wearing the ear plugs have reduced my anxiety now I have been wearing them ever hour I am in the flat, but when I go out and have to unplug, my system goes into shock and it is like my hearing is trying to compensate for the quietness that it has been used to. Everything alarms me. So I am trying to give myself breaks in the plugs - but it isn't easy. All this for some damn construction work. I called them and they said it would be at least another week - did I say that before? I can't remember! But that will be nearly a month of constant scaffolding noise... 8 hours a day... it is not healthy.

 

So anything new ro report from legs and/or brain? It was so hot here and with a really hot breeze as well, so it was showing up as 31 degrees! Way too much for me. Goodness knows what it was like inland. Another three days of it and we should have it easier again. 

 

Very tough day again today, but eased up around 9pm. So I will at least get 7 hours of relative calm, but with all these mornings I still can't completely switch off. I am forever worrying about what the morning will bring, which will only make matters worse I know, but when you have had such a horrible streak, it is difficult to break it. This is why I continue to go out and work and integrate into my life as best I can. If I want things to change, I cannot stay in bed - no matter how I feel and there will never be a change there. I know I have had 2 good days, but that is between 15 not good days. I don't like these odds and need to break the cycle, but have no idea what to do or where to turn. I suppose the noise stopping will be the first thing, but I worry the damage has been done. Time will tell I guess...

 

Love and light brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man

 

Well I have alarms because otherwise I oversleep - like I did yesterday and end up waking up at 7 40pm!! As my dulox makes me fall asleep, I can't really get up too late, as I need to go back to bed soon. 

 

This construction sounds like a horrific experience. I can well relate having had it literally right next to my bedroom for about 8 months!! I have no idea how I coped. I heard some drilling this morning and it reminded me of it. I think I just got used to it eventually and also I am lucky that I am a deep sleeper. Well done for trooping on though. Some serious guts man!! 

 

Was 32 when I went out on my walk today at about 6ish!! Mental, pushing 40 next few days in London apparently!! Still I managed to do 17 minutes in heat, so not a bad effort! I then went into my sauna, can you imagine!!! I think because of the sauna I'm pretty good with heat now, which is lucky. I more struggle with the cold I think. Though no doubt this heat does exhaust you!! 

 

So my brain struggles with processing information. That's what was happening, my brain was overwhelmed and so sort of shut down on me. The information from being outside walking up and down for over my usual 25 to 30 minutes was obviously too much for me to take. I think having to focus on non stop walking for an hour was just too much. Most of the day I am sitting reading or sleeping. The brain inflammation sounds a very plausible possibility. Of course I can't be sure. All I can be sure is that I have some form of brain injury from the Lyme and co infections. I know I have a useless blood brain barrier, because after I had measles I had acute psychotic depression. This was clearly caused by the measles getting into my brain. It's well known measles causes brain inflammation. So something similar has happened here, but with more permanent problems than a bout of severe depression. My sound and brain processing hasn't been right for years. So I'll try high dose melatonin use later this year. I'm not going to try it yet but I will try that. Then I have the light treatment as well. 

 

I forgot to tell you man, that I'm going away with my family to Somerset on the weekend for a little trip. My parents have a house there. I normally am too weak to get down on weekends and stuff, but if I go for a reasonable time it makes the horrible trip more worth it. I really do it for my parents as it means they get to spend some time away together, which obviously is difficult for them. I went last summer for the first time in 4 years, so it's only been a year away this time. A bit nervous but will certainly be peaceful - just cows and sheep. Pretty remote place. I have wifi there. Last year I was too scared to leave the house, so this year I'll take my exposures out to the fields. As I say nervous. On one hand should be easier in empty fields than busy London streets but it doesn't really work like that. Last year on both trips down I had big panic attacks because it was so strange being out of London, in the middle of nowhere. I felt terrified to be out of my house for a prolonged length of time. Just completely alien territory. Hopefully this year won't be as bad, as it's only been a year away. Got so much packing with all my treatments to remember. I'm pretty stressed about forgetting some important pills or something like that. I doing it for my parents but hopefully after I adjust I can use it as could environment for mindfulness. The problem is last year when I came back to London after I couldn't cope because I had just got used to the quiet and it makes you realise how stressful and squashed London is in comparison. 

 

Also got doctor on Thursday and osteopath on Friday - so a busy end of the week!!

 

Well done again for doing such a long shift! Seriously proud of you. Just stick in there man. For some reason you chose this path for yourself, there is a reason for this. Always remember that, your suffering has a reason. One day you will know and it will make sense. Still you and me certainly took on a huge amount as you were saying!!! What were we thinking man??? LOL!!

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hey guys, I found the reason as why we suffer. It is said that God is creating a masterpiece out of the pain in our lives
The weight of suffering in my life is lightened because God's Word says that it is not meaningless.
Paul links the hope of this promise to God's deeper purposes.
We are predestined to be conformed to the image of Christ!
That is the good work that God is doing in the midst of all our pain.
He is making something of eternal worth.
Something that lasts, that can't be taken away from us, no matter what is taken from us in the storm.

Written by Ken Gere, title AT PEACE IN THE STORM.

[invalidusername]

Gail - this is lovely... really spoke to me.

 

I have looked it up - and just to note it is Ken Gire... when you said Ken Here, I thought you mean "here" on the forum... so I thought "Admin Ken wrote this?!... WOW"

 

[invalidusername]

Wow - you have got some stuff lined up this week! I can't wait to hear how you get on down in the West country - it is such a wonderful place. The pace of life is what is should be. I have so many stories I could tell you about that part of the world. I can't remember how many times I have been there. As soon as I get better, this is the first place I will be going. I am very envious! If I had the comfort of my family it would be OK, but the wife can't drive and is for sure not in the right place at the moment. Maybe one year I can join you!!

 

But yes the adjustment phase when you come back will be like my earplugs! I feel it coming back to Kent, so London would be a real culture shock - but if it is only for 2-3 days, then it should be ok hopefully.

 

I am also happy to report an exposure for myself today! I had such a rotten headache and in 38deg heat and seriously hungry and I still made myself go shopping at the end of my working day. There were loads of people and I had a list as long as my arm for stuff we needed. It could have waited, I could have gone online, but I told myself I would do it. It took around 25 minutes, plus I was "hijacked" by an old friend who I hadn't seen in ages who insisted on talking a bit too much. But the best part was that I was able to just focus on the job at hand and it didn't worry me at all!

 

On the flip side, I had some annoying news which you can read about here rather than write it again;

 

https://www.cymbalta...bad/#entry85818

 

I think I understand what you feel with your brain when I occasionally cannot listen to music or read emails and such. Like you have said before, it is like your brain get claustrophobic. When I have it, it really is horrible so if it is anything like that, I really feel for you. It is just like you brain is screaming "get me out of here", but there is nowhere for it to go! Will see how the melatonin helps, but the inflammation sounds a very plausible theory as I can imagine that after all the drug changes, there would be elements of inflammation in my grey matter, although nothing on the same scale as your own, but frequent changes in meds will do this.. apparently.

 

So, to finish on a high note, I am very happy that I had a better day despite the run in with the NHS. Also been the first day on my homeopathic remedy. I am seeing her again in 3 weeks to see if the dose needs adjusting, but she wants me to start cutting back on the Citalopram after 8 weeks on the remedy. She has a lot of faith that it will work, so we will have to see. But obviously I would much rather be on these remedies than any meds! 

 

Wishing you well for what is expected to be a ridiculouly high weather day tomorrow. The pressure will be up again, so I am anticipating another barometric headache - but not much I can do. Go easy on those legs though man, ok?!

 

Much love to you my brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man

 

That's nuts with the NHS. So because you went against the guy they sacked they won't give you therapy, even though they sacked him?? To be honest your a saint mate, I think I might have lost my composure a little in that situation to put it mildly and I am a pretty peaceful guy!!!! I can only be in awe of your resolve in the face of such a disgrace. I so feel for you, and feel such disgust at what happened. Bravo for getting through that situation. 

 

At least you can go back to those dark moments you had and say 'look I got through that!'. You have overcome so much. It is really important you realise just how strong you are. Seriously just pure admiration for you. Your story is very inspiring, amazing you can have such love in you despite life throwing so much at you. A real testament to your kindness and deep spirituality. You haven't let your challenges make you turn into a monster, full of hate, but you have retained your love and dignity. That is seriously impressive feat. Some many people faced with suffering turn to hate and want to watch the world burn. They want to take there frustration and pain out on the world. So I'm really proud of you retaining your values despite the huge pain thrown your way. That is a brilliant feat. I myself feel blessed to have followed the path of love. But it is not easy. I deal with some very dark thoughts, particularly in the past. God was good to me and thankfully I saw his way. Pain can either bring out the best or worse in us. That is what Victor Frankl calls the ultimate freedom - how we react to suffering. He spoke about how in the Auschwitz some turned to animals, while other kept there dignity - even in the face of such horror. A Man Search for Meaning is a great book - but obviously covers some very dark stuff. God bless your spirit man, I'm so proud of you!! 

 

Well done with that exposure - brilliant!! Oh man meeting an old friend, I would be terrified, especially at the moment! That's a mega exposure!!! I went out today for 22 minutes to drop off one of the books the osteopath lent me. Been meaning to do for ages so was a good relief to to have one less job to think about! The next few days will push me to the limit - the heat, having 2 appointments and then having to pack and remember everything! Absolutely dreading the packing!! 

 

Nice that you know the West Country well!! Going to be near Froome. Yeah when your a bit stronger- lets get you down and have a bit of a retreat together, how about that!!! It is so quiet - apart from the sheep and cows mooing!! Maybe the odd tractor in the distance. Once I'm settled down there, it will fine but as I say the packing just going to kill me!!! 

 

So pleased you had a decent day. I had a mild panic attack last night and I think all the stuff coming up is stressing my brain out. It's sort of saying 'I can't cope with all this information!!!'. So will need to just stay calm and get through these days ahead!! 

 

I will be praying. 

 

I love you 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Beautiful post Gail. Thank you so much for that!! 

 

God Bless angel

[invalidusername]

Evening brother...

 

Yes, the NHS is bloody awful. No question. I am not sure of the cirumstances why the doctor got sacked, but that is neither here nor there. It is not a valid reason to not give medical treatment. If I was abusive - sure I could understand, but I am never abusive. I have been raised far better than that. They just won't be told what to do. You either stand in line and lick their shoes, or you get treated like s**t. 

 

I know there are budget cuts, but there is no reason to pretend to know something that you don't. I knew what was correct and I went at them with it. If I am wrong, I willingly admit it - if not I wouldn't be in my third year of a research degree!! I am not being nasty but you can really tell which Doc's are not PhD. This is why you go private (if you can), you will get PhD's rather than MD's who actually engage in research. 

 

What I would give to have Hat over here, just for one day, and he and I could walk into the Mental Health Centre and rip them a new one!!

 

Amazing that you mentioned that book as this was one that my first therapists mentioned. She was great - I wish I could see her again rather than go through all this crap with the Mental Health team. She was NHS, but not mental health - and because I am under the mental health team, they are not allowed to take me on until I am discharged - but not if I discharge myself. So maybe there is a silver lining to this - but I will still have to wait 4-6 months before I get to the head of the queue...

 

So... how ruddy hot was it today?! It was 35c down here by the sea, so goodness knows what you had up there? I was only out for one hour - I just can't take the heat. It didn't do my mood much good, but it really does bring the worst out in people. I have now got what I call "goldfish bowl syndrome" where I feel I have been living in a glass bowl looking at the outside world all day feeling I do not belong - does that make sense? Depression wasn't too bad. But something strange happened. I felt well enough to do some art this evening (which takes a lot of motivation), so I put the headphones on and off I went, but after about 30 mins, I just had a wave of dread hit me out of nowhere. But I was getting really proud of myself? There was no reason. Where on earth did it come from? 

 

I hope you have a nice trip down to Frome - it isn't that far - just a dash down the M4 and you'll be there. I have been right to the far end in Cornwall, down to Looe, Polperro and Tintagel. Some of the most relaxing places on earth. One of my fondest memories is sitting in the quay at Looe with a cornwall pasty (proper job!) and a bottle of mead. Around sunset.. just get rid of the seagulls and you have it made!

 

I would imagine that the panic was subconscious bring up the weekend. Completely natural, but you will have your family around you - and wherever you go, you take your faith and spiritual path with you. That is what you need to hold on to. With the packing, I find the best thing to do is make a list separate from the event of packing, and then just do the packing in one quick hit - sort of like a shopping list. Do the thinking separate from the doing. Trust me, it will work better. 

 

Right. I need to relax. This depression punch has hurt a bit. I think its because I am usually OK at this time of the evening so it has really taken the wind out of my sails - coupled with the fact that I do not understand where it came from. I think that is the worst part knowing that it can just appear out of anywhere. Had it before, and remember speaking to our Gailage about it a few times... and of course she understands too like the sweet thing she is...  

 

Much love and prayers to my musketeers (particularly in absence of NM)

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey man

 

Haha oh I love that about you and Fishinghat!! Brilliant!!

 

A brutal 24 hours for me. On my knees. A horrific depression hit last night and since it's just been horrible. Just feeling so much pain and despair. Like you, nothing sparked it this, it just hit me last night and ever since it's been with me. Right now I'm really struggling. Feel incredibly uncomfortable and weird. Just not myself and disorientated. I've just been through too much and this depression just won't go away. Even if I have a good period, it comes back to bite. Just means you never relax. I mean I haven't been a month without depression since May last year. I have never been in a situation like this before. I mean I have had some brutal brutal depressions but never one that lasted so long. I would always improve after 6 months or so, whereas this time it just rolls on and on. 

 

I must say last night was so tough. I was thinking to myself I can't take it anymore. That's what depression does, it just hit you out of the blue and then suddenly your thinking i can't face life. It just completely takes away all perspective and just brainwashes you. And it's so hard not to fall for it's lies. You have to work hard to remember this simply a biological phenomenon and that the world isn't 'literally' burning around me, which is how depression makes me feel, but it's just my brain chemistry is a bit haywire. Obviously my life circumstances with my lyme and brain injury are tough, but I back myself to cope with my spirituality. But with this chemical depression state, it's just another level of horror.  I mean what can you do? In some of my pure states of spirituality I feel almost like in Heaven, and then with this depression it really does feel like your in Hell. So i'm just swinging between the two. I know it is futile to compare suffering, but depression has to be one of the most cruel things to exist on this planet. Us humans get it worst as well, with our over thinking trait, that I don't believe other animals have. My heart just goes to all those who suffer with intense depression. We don't hear from them or see them, but there are many people out there like us in such pain. It's sort of a hidden illness. It's in my family and it's brutal. So feel for my aunt, who had it in years ago and lost her life. I must what our and God motivations where with depression it's hard to understand. There will be a reason, I'm sure of that. I really do trust God. But man it's hard to even think of answer. 

 

Still I managed a trip to the p doc and then when I got back walked to the pharmacy and had a brief chat with the main guy there. Obviously I felt awful, but I tried to be friendly. Happy I was able to collect my prescription despite feeling so bad. Yeah crazy heat up in London. The worst is when you first get in the car, oh man. And then you have to wait for the air con to get going. Looking out of the window of the car on the way back from the p doc I couldn't think of a better description that a goldfish bowl syndrome. If it's any conciliation I have like I just don't belong for years!! Especially when the depression is bad, it is incredibly isolating. Thank God we have each other. Honestly it makes the world of difference. I don't think you can really understand how much that mutual love of fellow sufferers helps unless you've had a condition that makes you feel so isolated. I mean my one positive today was at least I can on the forum later, and speak to people who TRULY understand what I am going through. 

 

I've been further west as well. Been Cornwall and Devon many times. My dad loves Dartmoor so we used to go often and then had a relation on the Exmoor coast. Did a D of E thing walking all along the coastline hilltops near Newquay (I think!). 

 

I know how you feel in terms of depression coming at unexpected times. For me just before I quite often have moments of existential despair but thankfully I tell myself 'just get into bed and close your eyes'. Then I either fall asleep or meditate. But normally the mornings are good, so when I wake with depression that really freaks me out!! So I can totally understand!! 

 

Will be praying. 

 

Love you. 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hello guys,

You are not alone in this. I woke up in terror, crying, scared like a kid. I have to wait till it passes with the help of my morning pills. I could not remember what year it was, oh boy, nothing to help. It came back but it scared the shit out of me.

Depression distorts your view, scares you, oh man, what a hard period to live. I'm tired of living like this. God will make quite a chef d oeuvre with my suffering.

So, you are not alone with this suffering. Lovage.

[invalidusername]

Thanks for your words Gailage, and what an exhausting way to wake up. And waiting for it to pass is really discouraging. So did the morning pill work? Strange that you and I always get hit with it in the morning, and LDN gets it in the evening. 

 

I too am just so tired of this depression going on and on. One day feeds into another - I just can't get a break! I know we get good times, but I just can't help focusing on the fact that the bad times will for sure return. Hopefully therapy will come along soon - this will really help. 

 

Will be praying for my musketeers,

 

Much lovage.

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

I am really not sure which is worse - having this in the morning or the evening. I guess the difference is you either sleep it, or work it off. I am so sorry to hear that you had your 24 hours or brutality. I was sending prayers for you and Gail earlier before work that you coud both take of God's strength. 

 

Speaking of time off, I had the whole of May without one episode of depression - it was all illness related, and now I have had the whole of July with nothing but depression. But it is different - uncomfortable like you say. It is much more passive than it has ever been. Although passive can get to a point that it is as strong as active depression I am sure you will agree. You agree to live through it, but that it just so damn horrible!

 

If you don't mind me asking, if you had a ratio of good to iffy to bad days - what would they be? A majority of mine are iffy days and equal good and bad days inbetween. But I am getting really confused with this depression nonsense. I felt a bit better this morning - had work 4-8pm but got progressively worse during that time - and as soon as I got home, I perked up and have been great all evening. Normally, work distracts me and I have a low point when I get home. Really do not understand. I am enjoying my evening, but it is equally frustrating when you are at the mercy of your brain's timing for when it wants to be a knob....

 

Anyway - change of tone! Just wondering if you are already off on your travels and will be replying from further away this evening? Please keep us all updated on how you get on and trust you have/had a safe journey. One of my clients got caught in a traffic jam on the M25 yesterday and because the tarmac was heating everything up - along with all the cars making their own heat, it got to 47.5 degrees!!! Needless to say, his air conditioning had broken!!

 

I remember my D of E days! Back in secondary school. But I never got the chance to complete as the teacher who ran it turned out (or got caught out) to be a kiddy fiddler.... in an all boys school. Not nice. So I wasn't too worried not to complete under the circumstances. I would love to be back down West where you could truly feel relaxed away from all the noise, negativity and crazy pace of life. I really hope you can get a little peace while you are away - even if it is just a lap or two of the nearest field. Give some therapy to the sheep or something! They are good listeners...

 

Anyway - will await your update. Hope all is well.

 

Much love,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man

 

Got to be brief tonight because 1) Just done most of my packing and I am about to pass out! 2) I got to get some sleep before more packing in the morning of things I couldn't pack tonight!! 

 

So scared right now. This time last year when I went down to the country i had a massive depression attack in the car, incredibly traumatising. Left me reeling for months. So can imagine I have a sense of fear over tomorrow!! Lets just hope it isn't as bad as last year!!! Also so weird to see two big bags on the floor of my room. I haven't slept in a different bed for a year, haven't left this house since getting back last year - so you imagine it's pretty scary moving some where different for a while. Next 24 to 48 hours will be tough, but then will adjust!! Thank God I have you guys to get me through!! So just a warning! Can remember well this moment a year ago - the night before one of the worst days of my life!! I had full on attack of huge depression in the middle of the journey, there was nowhere to go - couldn't just go and lie down in a dark room. The traffic was so bad and I thought we would never get there. A car radio in car behind was blaring out music in the traffic. For months the sound of a car radio brought on anxiety as a result. Here I am year on, which is amazing considering i felt my life had just completely fallen apart. 

 

Anyway today was better. Went to the osteopath and then this afternoon my brother had some friends over as he was giving them a lift up to a weekend with uni mates. I wasn't sure whether to come down but thought it was good to face the fear. So I did and actually went really well and had a good time. Lots of joking and banter - i actually felt normal!!!! I chatted for about an hour. Was weird though because I felt like a completely normal person for an hour and then off they go and I'm back to reality of needing a sleep. I found it difficult to make sense of the two sides of me - on one hand ill with depression and a brain injury and two being able to socialise and have a laugh with young people!! Just feels weird. It's hard to describe. I mean I sort was thinking I wish I could drive with some mates off to weekend get together, so it sort of showed what I'm missing out on. But then at the same time, when I was with then if felt completely natural and I didn't feel uncomfortable. It's like I move in two completely different worlds. The old me when I socialise and then most of the time the new me of being ill and disabled. Confusing situation. Still it was good I faced another fear, as this is a big project of mine right now! 

 

Okay mate my head literally is dying on me here!!! LOL! So sorry I can't write more, but next few days should properly be able to catch up! 

 

I will see you on the other side!! Man I'm so so scared right now!! 

 

Pleased by the sound of things your day was generally better. I will be praying. 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[gail]

My sweet London,

Prayers have been said. Your candle is lit. My thoughts are with you. Love, amour, peace.

Think about your cat lover and all the cows and sheeps awaiting your presence. A day or two to acclimate yourself to new surroundings and you will be fine. You've seen the place many times and God is with you. We are all rooting for you, you may not want to come back!lol!

I love cows, so peaceful, they will calm you. As long as your cat lover is not too jealous!
Love you London!

[invalidusername]

So.... I'm on the edge of my seat here!!

 

How did the M4 meditation go brother? Have been thinking of you all day. Even when I was with my usual weekend friend, I was talking to her about your brave feat of courage. And you know what... it has really pushed me today. Along with going to see my friend, I did an oil and filter change on my car, saw my parents and did another shopping trip! We have been normal people for a day man

 

Anyway. I can well image what was going through your head, but I sincere hope that the journey went well. You were going the right way from London to not hit traffic - that is a real panic problem for me if I hit a grid lock where you can't turn round or get out of it. Very difficult when you have last year to mark up against. It is only natural that your thoughts will go there, but whatever the outcome of today, just don't be too hard against yourself. I am thinking that you did much better than last year, it is like I have a bet going on in my own head, but I really don't want to say anything! Sorry, man! Just can't believe you have gone ahead with this journey - so very proud of you....

 

Another pat on the back for speaking with your brother's friends too. That takes some doing. I try to do this as often as I can - sometimes easier than others. Having said that, when I got home today, I got the wife to agree to go for a walk before dark - was just around sunset. There was a bloke who had driven the length of the country in his camper van and I welcomed him to our town and had a quick chat, and the wife even joined in and didn't feel too much of her social anxiety. She said it wasn't easy, but that was a huge step forward for her to engage with a stranger. She said it was easier with me, but I don't mind talking to strangers. The way I see it, if I had a health problem, they would be able to carry me home!

 

Right, time to get all this oil off me and get some meditation under way. Might see if I can stay awake for your reply...! Again, massive respect from me (and the rest of the forum no doubt!) for your bravery today.

 

Love and Light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi man, 

 

Thanks for both that lovely message and the text earlier. I saw it just as I was praying before the journey - weird timing huh? I was praying and then looked at my phone and saw those such kind words!! So right now I have my cat snoring next to me! About a 100 miles from London. 

 

So I felt pretty bad this morning. Realised I should have had a few days off before the trip, rather than have 2 appointments!! I had just forgot how draining it is to have all that packing and then on top of that a long journey!! So I was pretty annoyed with myself this morning and I was getting really worked up about it. Obviously what happened last year was on my mind and before we even started I was feeling so so tired! But in the end I just closed my eyes and rested, and chatted a bit to my mum and dad. Towards the end of the journey I was starting to feel a bit more anxious and also adapting to the more rural surroundings the further you get from London. So it went better than I thought it would this morning, much better, which is good. But next time I'm giving my self a few days off before the journey!! I also only forgot ONLY one of my supplements so that is a pretty good effort! LOL!

 

Once I got here, the cat and me had a little moment LOL! That really helped the anxiety! Then rest of the day been okay, I'm I still feel pretty disorientated and as I'm also feeling quite depressed it's not a great combination. At least at home I have felt depressed so many times before, so I doesn't feel new. I can just stick to the my tools, without having to think about it too much. But being here it's like a feel more naked and exposed. I'm not used to feeling depressed in another house, so I'm sort trying to make sense of things and find some sort of rhythm. So I am sort of thinking to myself - is it the depression or is it because I'm scared having left home. Obviously in London I don't have these questions. Also I'm questioning myself - should I have come down? I am I strong enough? I didn't come down here at all between 2014 and 2018 because it was just too much for me! I have such a routine at home, so you can imagine taking yourself out of that is a big shock. Another thing is it highlights how fragile I am, that something that was so easy back when I was well is now an ordeal. I am thinking to myself - I still can't do this without it being tough and then feeling down about my progress. 

 

Still having not left my house for a year, it's always going to shake you up just going somewhere completely different. I checked the field opposite with my dad and there are some sheep - so sheep therapy is on the cards!!! Lol!! It'll mostly be cat therapy though!! Lovely cat we have here - like a mini panther. It was really funny because when we arrived it came to welcome us and I was standing next to my dad. I thought she would go to my dad first since he comes regularly and I haven't been for a year! But no she walk up to me first - that was sweet!! We just had a real good cosy stroking session before I came on here - I must admit was knackered after about 20 mins of non stop stroking!!

 

Oh yeah also my dad went gardening, which he loves and came back with a massive tick on his leg. It was here I must have got bitten all those years ago - so that was quite triggering! I think because I got bit here, I have a bit of baggage. Anyway thankfully my aunt doesn't live far and she had the special tweezers for tics, so they drove over and got it removed. My dad was wearing trousers, so how it got onto the top of his thigh I have no idea! It was a bit surreal looking at it and thinking it was one of you fellas that is the reason I'm ill. Crazy a bite from a tick and then my brain and body just got decimated.

 

So happy to hear that you a decent day by the sounds of it! Well done for all that you achieved! Also a massive congrats to your wife - that sounds like a massive exposure!! 

 

Thanks again for all your support! It really means so much!! 

 

I'm sure I will have some stories for you tomorrow! It always is better once you go away after the first night I find! 

 

Love you brother and praying 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Thanks so much for that wonderful message Gail!!!! 

 

Such kind words!!

 

I need to be careful not to make my cat lover jealous!!! Lol!!

 

Love you so much!

 

God bless child of God

[gail]

Sweet London,

We're so glad that you made it and in a better way than last year. Yeah!

Don't forget what I said about your cat lover, a manifestation of God!

Looking forward for another update Tonite, if you can. Lots of love for you my friend!

[invalidusername]

What is this about the cat lover - did I miss something?!

[invalidusername]

Hey sheep whisperer!

 

Right - can you explain this cat before we go any further... Is this your cat that lives in your place down there? Or some cat that shows up? There is a cat sanctuary down where I visit on the coast and you can go in and mooch around as much as you want. It used to be called "99 cats", but that number grew and so it changed its name. It is amazing... it is a massive farm land and all these cats are rescued and live on the farm. They get looked after, fed and played with - some get re-homed, and others just stay there - none of them ever get put down. All run on donations. Such an amazing place. You are just surrounded by cats from the moment you walk in - and they all want a fuss. Way better therapy than any pill I have known!!

 

Anyway - glad you made it. I'd image the journey would have taken a good couple of hours or more depending on traffic. When I read the bit about being disorientated and being out of routine, I started to panic a bit myself - as us anxiety sufferers do - we imagine ourselves in the same situation as real as I am here typing this message. This is exactly what the problem would be for me. I need my routine, my environment. Whenever I have gone away before, I have not had catered accommodation as I am never up for breakfast! It is bad enough when these places have a check-out time of 10am or something silly as I only have about 4 hours sleep that night. But its like you say, if you have a depression moment and it is not your home, I would imagine it would make things a lot worse. But with your family there, this would help no doubt - that is your portable familiarity!! As I pretty much support my wife, I would feel a whole load of extra responsibility when away from home too... One day at a time. We'll get there.

 

In fact, it was a year ago when the wife and I had to go to London for immigration court. We had to stay overnight in a travel tavern on the outskirts and then chose to drive into the centre of London. Fortunately my parents came with us and they drove us, but I can't begin to tell you what it was like. On top of being away from home, and the prospect of driving through Thursday morning traffic in the centre of London, we had a 2 hour court battle to face! Never again man... NEVER again.

 

So you have a garden down there too. Can you replicate your garden schedule from home there? And woh - that tic... of course that would have freaked you out. And to think that is where you may well have picked it up. Only once have I had a tic and it was horrible and again, fortunate to be with parents and my mum got her tweezers at it. Just to put a funny note on a worrying story. When I used to go down to north wales and train as a climber, there were these midges that kept landing on your arm and suck your blood... and the guys used to flex their muscles to quickly increase the blood flow into the arm, and these midges used to fill up so quick that they would explode!!

 

There's something to think of to make you laugh when you get an image of anything like that again! Will be waiting to hear how you got on today. Are you just with parents, or did any siblings go with you? And how long are you down there for?

 

Love you man.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ha hi man! 

 

So firstly the cat came with the house!! Weird situation I know! The people who sold us the house left 3 cats and we agreed to take them. One of them left for the neighbour, another died a few years ago and so now it is just my cat lover left! I told Gail that I call her that because of our bond. She was abused not by the past owner but one before. Had cig burns! Horrific. So you can imagine she is very shy and takes a long time to let you get close to her. I feel a bond since she was abused and then my struggles. I must say I agree about the cats being great therapy - that's helped so much since I got here! Did you ever have cats? 

 

Yeah so last year it took 3 hours 20 mins to get down. Can you imagine over 3 hour journey in the midst of huge depression attack. Stuck just sitting there in the traffic - having no idea how long I will be there. This year it took about 2 hours 25 mins so much better. 

 

I figured out today why I'm finding it so tough to relax. It's because when I do an exposure back in London, I come back home after and then can rest up and chill for the rest of the day - just shut down. Whereas here everything is a exposure. New shower, new bed, new kitchen - so basically everything I do is an exposure. I have no routine here - so I'm just trying to remember what pills to take when and all that. In London it's just robotic - I know where everything is and when to take it. Now I have to be super sharp to remember. Last year when I was down here i got confused and took a wrong pill - took an antidepressant rather than benzo. As you can imagine that caused a huge amount of stress. I have never done that in London. 

 

Also I haven't told you yet but there is huge emotional baggage with this house. When I had my 2011 depression I happened to be here for a lot of it. As I've barely been back since, I haven't been able to make new memories like my in London house. So every room brings back memories of that awful depression. I can remember the exact thoughts I had in exact places in the house. It's like these thoughts have stayed in the rooms and when I go in they come back. So it's reliving what was probably my worst depression I have ever had. So emotional it is super tough. That was one of the reasons I avoided it here, along with being weak. But ultimately I can't run away from associations. All the rest of my family love this house, particularly my dad, he is in heaven here. So for my family's sake I have to make some peace with this place. I mean it's really nice - just the place of one of the worst experiences of my life. So like going to bed is so terrifying because I can remember vividly the night depressions I had in that bed back in 2011. It's all scarred in my brain. So being here is like mega exposures almost all day - even going to bed is a massive exposure. My 2011 depression was psychotic depression so the thoughts are vivid. Sorry if that might have triggered you, but I thought it was important I gave you a full picture of my situation down her. 

 

So my day been okay. I actually slept well and felt fine in bed. Said some prayers and that seemed to help hugely. As mentioned the cat has also been a great help. The fear and anxiety come and go - one minute I'm like I have to leave and go home, the next I'm quite relaxed. Went in the field opposite with my dad and had a good look at the sheep. Managed to get quite close, which was cool. It's proper Somerset here - just farmers and locals. So quiet, basically no cars. Just lots of animals in fields basically. We had some pheasants in the garden yesterday morning just after dawn, and then just before dawn had all the birds come out and some bats. First time in the field since 2011 I think, so quite a good exposure. I was too sacred last year to go. Was out for about 36 minutes so not bad - but was walking really slow and lots of stopping to look at the sheep. 

 

So my sister was here for the weekend and is coming back next weekend - has work in London on the week. My brother is coming on Tuesday. So in theory I could be here a month!!! Super terrifying just to think about. I can go home any time I want but I really want my parents to have some time to together. August is my dad holiday and obviously the want to be together. Especially as I was too weak to come down for summer since 2012 till last year. They love it here so much - so if I can just about cope then I really want to give back. I'm just taking it each day at time and lets see. Last year I can down twice for over a week each time. Both times once I settled I didn't really want to leave. So I need to find a routine and then hopefully things settle. I can lie, last night I had a mini panic attack before bed - I was like I have to get home I can't cope. But thankfully once I was in bed I was able to relax and then got 9 hours sleep. It is tough but it for my parents and hopefully it will help me in some ways. 

 

So how was your day man?? Also I saw you said you wrote a book in another thread!!!! You never told me this!!! I need to know about this man!!! 

 

Hope all is well. 

 

Look forward to chatting to tomorrow. 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail again so beautiful! You are just so kind!! 

 

A true child of God!! 

 

I hope you are well!! 

 

A manifestation of God  - Yes!! 

 

Sleep well and I hope you have wonderful dreams of heaven!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[invalidusername]

So you get cats thrown in with houses now!! Awesome. But they do get used to their environments... so who looks after the cat when you guys aren't there?

I adore cats. I have had so many of them. Around 15 or so over the years. At one stage, I had 6. I would wake up and I would be pinned to the bed by the duvet as they were all sleeping beside me - impossible to move. But if you so much as moved one eyelid, that was it. They all considered it breakfast time! 3 of them were my roommates, and the other 3 belonged to me and my partner, but they followed me around all over. Never a dull moment.

What you are saying about the continual exposure is exactly how it was playing in my head. Where everything is different, it is for sure going to have that knock on effect - just the smallest things can set it off, and when you don't have the security of familiar things, it can be very distressing. Even when a dog looses its favourite toy, it can have have an anxious/depressive action. And for you trying to overwrite old memories with new would be great if you could. 

[invalidusername]

Having issues posting messages more than a few words!! Will try again in a while.

 

Still having issues this end!

[LDN]

Yeah some good friends and feed her and check on her every day. As I say the last owners left her, so we just try and make the best of it. She wouldn't be able to cope coming to London. We once took the other cat, who died, up to London when she was ill and she just hated it so much. 

 

My day has been okay. Incredibly tough to face the music here. So many intense and horrifying memories. I don't want to avoid certain rooms, but i know for sure they will trigger me and bring it all back. Some of the worst moments of my life were spent here. Psychotic depression leaves a hell of trauma behind oh man! I basically spent 8 years absolutely terrified of this place. So now it time to face it. Obviously had last year as well here, which probably softens it a little. But it is a very nice place, but it's hard to see it for what it is and not see through the lens of trauma, if you know what I mean? For example, the Taj Mahal is beautiful but if you had a panic attack there, every time you saw a picture of it you wouldn't be able to appreciate it's beauty but merely be thinking about the panic attack there and feeling shaken up. 

 

Also as I get this depression just before bed, in London I at least feel fairly safe going to bed in my room. Whereas here I feel scared, as going to bed is a big exposure due to the memories. So it tougher here to cope with the depression. But I'm sure it is making me stronger what I am going through, at least I hope so lol! I did tell you one of my main spiritual aims was to face my fears, so I at least I am doing that. Hopefully in the long run my spirituality can grow from this. As I told you I am doing for my family. 

 

I had another walk in the field today about 24 mins. Saw the sheep again and it's a hell of view from the top. Walk all they way round the field. This includes walk up the hill on the way back, which was tough. The cat came out to visit me in the field. Was scary because she then followed me back, this includes crossing the road. A car was coming and I was telling her stay here, wait with me. Then she suddenly just ran across the road! A few seconds later the car went by. My mum told me she often does this!! 

 

My mind isn't as sharp as I would like, but I guess the emotional toil of the exposures is taking it out on me. 

 

So I hope you are doing well? Looking forward to hearing your news. I so hope things have settled a little. 

 

So far I have a grand total of 1 human being!!! Lol! That was today down the road!

 

I will be praying brother!! 

 

Love you 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

ATTEMPT AT 2ND HALF OF YESTERDAY'S MESSAGE!

 

Yesterday was quite a good day. I rested for most of it as I am still recovering from the noise, but I did start to get a bit of cabin fever which made me go out for a walk. Then today was again quite good, but I woke with quite a nasty case of derealisation. Nothing I could do - no meds. Just had to accept that it was my brain shutting things down to protect me... so I thought, well then just get on with it! So I did. Work as normal - was quite difficult to concentrate in places, but was fine as long as I didn't focus on it.

 

So it is really up to you how long you stay down there? I you could go back with a brother or sister when you felt like it? I can well imagine you being settled and not wanting to leave. Once you have established there as being somewhere safe, it becomes a bolt hole. Best thing to do is to try and maintain a few trips back every now and again if you can. But take it in your stride... don't push on yourself with all these challenges after your first trip in so long.

 

Much love to you, family and all the wildlife!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man - back again.

 

I'll keep this brief as there is already an extra half message and a PM to go through! Not sure what was going on with the site, but I always type my messages in notepad and then cut/paste and it wasn't letting me do that at all. So I ended up typing it over into the site and it worked - so that is what I am doing for now, so I at least know it works.

 

Glad the kitty has people looking after her, but what an amazing habitat for them. Can understand that being in London would not suit them. Animals are so much further along the psychic channel - which would explain why she made a beeline for you when you first got to the house. Cats know when and where comfort is needed. They are awesome creatures.

 

Know exactly what you mean about traumas leaving an imprint. I once took a previous partner down to my second home town in West country and over the weekend she turned into her mother - and that was not good - believe me. She just did a Jeckel and Hyde on me and we ended up splitting there and then. I was very worried about the scar that it might left, so I just got home, got a mate, turned round and went back to overwrite them.

 

So how have things gone today? Any updates? Do the room stuff at your own pace mate. As I said, you have already scaled the mountain. Even if you leave some rooms til the next trip - do that. Get this one under your belt and you can return to London on a high note and you, like me, will have started to rewrite the past. New, happier memories. The trip with the strength of the forum with you!!

 

Eagerly awaiting your responses... love you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

Yeah I mean it would be impossible to bring this cat to London actually, because we can't even take her 10 minutes to the local vet. Put her in the car and she just goes mental. So London - no chance! Also she is a real wild cat - will catch anything - mice, rats, birds, sometimes even bigger stuff. Insane at catching mice, my dad said he best he's seen. She will bring it in alive then eat in front of you. She eats everything apart from one little bit of intestines or something she doesn't like the taste. 

 

I had a bit of difficulty with my health since last night. After coming on the forum I could hear meowing, she sounded a bit scared. So I went out and called her and she came running to me like never before. I really wanted to cheer her up so got really close and cosy, my face right into her. I then noticed I had a pain in my chest and my throat felt constricted. I has been like that most of the last 24 hours, though seems to be getting a bit better. I must have got an allergic reaction from getting so close. I don't normally get that close to her. I have asthma and people with asthma often have cat allergies. I felt so down, because I love getting cosy with her, and last night I was just thinking this is just one more thing I can't do!! Will all my problems I would at least have hoped I could really cuddle with cats - but unfortunately not. I have never got so close as last night before. When I was younger I wasn't really into animals, and then I have been away. So it's a huge disappointment, but maybe if I had got too close to her then I would have struggled once back in London without her. Hard not to spiral into self pity when you are able to do so little! But I have my spirituality - the most important thing. 

 

So my day was pretty uneventful. Went to see the sheep across the road with my mum and then my brother came tonight. Yeah in theory I can go back whenever, but will just take each day at a time. It's already Tuesday night and it's gone so quick since Sat night when i got here! 

 

Good idea about cut and paste. The other day I had just finished your post then boom my internet just shut down for no reason. I was so gutted but thankfully it had auto saved it. phew! 

 

Sorry about the derealisation, but happy that yesterday was good and today was quite good! Well done as always for getting on with your work!!

 

So I saw a deer in the garden today! Such beautiful creatures but then at the same time it was a deer tick that got me!! I will have to imagine deer in my compassion meditation LOL!! Also some pheasants, about four in the bushes outside my window. Last year we had loads of hornets, thankfully not this year!! Bats though. I can see for at least 6 miles from the field and my bedroom window. And from the kitchen I can see over for 3 miles. So can you imagine the dawns!!!! Stunning!! I'm sitting here in the kitchen reading and the view is just amazing! 

 

Hope tomorrow goes well man! 

 

Will be praying! 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless