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[invalidusername]

Absolutely - to those having an issue, I found that typing directly in the editor on the site worked when copy and pasting didn't...!

[invalidusername]

Hey man!

 

Thank you for your love, thoughts and prayers for today. I can saw I certainly felt it down here. I really did feel protected somehow. I knew there should be a lot of angst and anxiety around me, but somehow it just couldn't take me down. I've had a great day. I had to have a kip after I got back from the MH team, but after that, I got so much done. I still put my mind back to how it has been... obviously as if I was bouncing off the walls they would have discharged me on the spot. But as you know, depression and anxiety doesn't work like that. Just like your tube day. We can never predict what will occur later that day, or the next day. But this is what we are all working on.

 

I really do feel for you with all these stomach and bladder issues. Sure on one hand you are relieved that you know what it is, but on the other hand, knowing that you have untreated microbes running amok in your GI tract isn't nice - regardless of the fact you know it can be treated. So did the Lyme Dr have anything to add to the situation? Do you know when you will be getting the meds to sort these things out? I don't like it that you are left in pain brother. I know you are in good hands and have your loving family around, but knowing you are in pain.. and for so long... is painful for me. Need you fixed man!

 

I feel guilty about saying that the tube day was an instinct now you have said you had issues with the walk! But in all likelihood, it was the pressure you would have put on yourself. You would have thought... "now I have done the tube, my walk should be so easy... but wait... what if it isn't... what if the tube was just all a non-reality?". Am I right?! It's the nature of anxiety as we all know. Just like you said to me not so long ago, it will grab your closest weakness and exploit it. The stuff that is closest at the time, and that is what it was for you. Pay it no mind man. Remember how you have been distancing yourself so well over the last couple of weeks.

 

So I assume you have rested for the remainder of the day? Did you get your walking meditation in? My book is saying a lot about this - I wasn't sure what it was all about before. Wouldn't it be amazing to go down to Plum Village in the South of France and indulge in the meditative atmosphere down there? Closest thing to heaven on earth no doubt.

 

Thank you for your kind words at the end of your message. I do what I can and so pleased that I can be of such inspiration to you at these times. Clearly the feeling is mutual. And I will be brutally honest, I felt a little bit behind things when I read of your tube trip. Don't get me wrong, I was and am every bit proud of you, and it is right that you said these things, because I only had to wait a day and get something similar myself today on a day that should have been profoundly worse. I am just going to bask in the knowledge that my brain is working for now!! Tomorrow will be what it will. It's all in the present moment - we just need to learn how to stay there!!

 

Keep going my dear brother - be the tea leaves for us all! Much love and light.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! 

 

Oh such good news about you having a great day! I was praying and thinking of you since I woke up! I so so pleased that the day went well! That just shows what you are capable of. To get up that early and then have to have a nap, that must have been so disruptive to your normal routine and yet you came through it and had a great day! That is so impressive brother! I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that! I really hope you can proud of yourself and you are showing yourself some serious self love! 

 

I am really happy you felt protected somehow. I wasn't actually spiritual for much of my illnesses over these last 8 years, it is quite recently I've really got into it. So I didn't pray for a long time. I am now a really strong believer in the power of prayer. I have definitely felt your love in difficult moments for sure, and I am so happy you could feel the same. So much I think is open yourself up to let the love in. Their so much positive energy out there, if you open your eyes to it. 

 

My sister just got back from some friends and I had to give her a helping hand, as she had a few drinks! So that has quite exhausted me to be honest!! I was just starting to write to you when she rang the bell. I'm not used to my night time being interrupted, so now got a bit of a headache. Physical it is tough at the moment. My back is bad and also my ear that got syringed was really hurting last night. Then obviously all the stuff with stomach and bladder. My lyme doctor said first things fist find out what is causing the blood. So seeing an expert in Tuesday week. All the other experts were like mid November. My lyme doctor wants an endoscopy. I had mentioned to you that I had passed a lot of blood with my stool twice in August down in the country. It stopped but now with the occult blood result, that is the main thing my doctor wants dealing with. Then I guess move onto H pylori and streptococcus. I'm not sure yet what is the plan for dealing with my high oxalate. Just so many things going on and needing dealing with, it is a bit overwhelming. This is going to take quite a time to deal with each one. The prospect of having to see all these experts and have all these tests is a bit stressful, but it is what it is. But don't worry about me regarding the pain man. I used to my stomach now and I have adjusted mentally. I don't really mind physical pain too much, it is the mental pain that I struggle with. I appreciate your love and concern man, that means a lot. I am using the pain as a tool for my mental work, for meditation. Physical pain is a great tool for meditation actually. You how much I go on about these Buddhist monks overcoming pain LOL! So for me now is a good opportunity to practice working with the pain. As I mentioned to you before, I was meditating on the pain and had this feeling of the pain being of the body and a feeling of separation from the body. This meant I felt able to just observe the pain and not feel it was really a part of me. Every since that night I have been able to detach myself and have this distance from the pain. It is as if I have moved to a mode of consciousness where my shell is separate from me. Obviously not completely, I'm not close to that but this sense of the shell not being me is a new phenomenon and quite an exciting breakthrough. Does that make some semblance of sense? LOL! I know I go off on these tangents man, I apologise!! But it has changed my life so much looking inward and moving into different modes of consciousness so I what to try and explain what's helped me so much. What so interesting to me is that our consciousness is not fixed, we can move into perceiving the world and our lives in a complete different way. That notion is just so exciting to me, all the more so that I have experienced a taste of it!! 

 

Yeah walking meditation is my favourite form of meditation. My osteopath is Buddhist, has been for years, and she told me doesn't work well with silent meditation so does chanting, that's what works for her. Different people react to different methods, there is no right or wrong way. For me walking meditation is the one that really lifts me. If I can fit in a 20 minute to 40 minute session in the garden of very gently walking, I come in feeling transformed. I feel completely refreshed and with no burdens. I do my garden prayers as well every day - where I pat my heart and throw my arms out, as I push the love from my heart to who I am praying for. It's just something I made up but I really physically expressing my spiritual motivation. 

 

Yeah man that would be amazing to go down to Plum Village. My dad loves stays at Benedictine monasteries, and there are a few near that area in the south of France. So we said we should do a trip - go to both Plum village and a Benedictine monastery. My dad is a very strong Catholic but is very supportive of my interest in Buddhism. There is a really good dialogue between the two religions. Thich Nat Hanh wrote a book about Jesus as I mentioned to you. Also he has put up a crucifix in the main meditation room at Plum Village on the altar. The Dalai Lama also has a crucifix in his main private prayer room. Thich Nat Hanh mentions that many christians come to Plum Village, including priests. As I mentioned to you before I went to a Benedictine monastery school so i know the monastic life well. It has played a huge part in my life. Also I was thinking I should tell you that at my monastery there was a monk who could astral travel! I didn't personally know him, as he didn't teach but I asked other monks about it and they said that he said he did! Amazing places monasteries man! Did I tell you the story about the Russian Icon of Jesus in the chapel at the country? 

 

Yeah brother today just a rest day again, other than the phone conference with my doctor, which was a bit stressful. I think the anxiety I had yesterday and today a bit as well is just a bit of an after effect of putting so much into those two mega days. Those were two intense days in a row and on an emotional level it will have taken a lot out of me. Similar to coming back from the country. It just a bit flat and it's inevitable I will compare it those good days. When you do a big exposure that brings with it expectation and you need to accept that just it is a process and and that you need to just keep doing what you are doing. I just need to keep the this gradual, very gradual process going. Man also just to say I actually often look at you and think I'm behind in terms of the fact you work, can drive. I am no where near that. But ultimately I think we are both doing great and both making really good progress. Our circumstances are obviously slightly different but we are definitely in sync in many ways. This earth journey was worth it just meet you and share it together. I really mean that brother! Thank you so much!! 

 

I hope you have a good day tomorrow! Again massively proud of you today and what you achieved!

 

Love you so much

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Evening man!

 

Thanks for your words of comfort for yesterday. I was very surprised as you were. I really thought it would have caused more of an issue. Having said that, I am incredibly tired still. I managed 'til about 6pm today and then I was just zoned out. I have been resting ever since with phone and laptop. Headache has since set in, so I might have a very small dose of the K just to get rid of it. Wonderful how different doses have different purposes! Pain will ease after 2gm, whereas a full on anxious moment will need 5gm. I also make sure I stick to it. As nice as one feels taking more, that is a slippery path, and glad I proved to myself that I can live perfectly well without it. This last week was very important to me and I am glad I undertook it. Willpower accounts for a lot with people like ourselves, I'm sure you will agree.

 

I am glad you can feel the good vibes from here. Whenever I stop doing tasks I am always sparing a thought for all I can - mainly yourself and Gail given you are both in need. Sometimes a short prayer is all that is needed as often I can't think of the words - or something I haven't repeated earlier in the day. But thoughts to the likes of you and Gail are far better than letting my mind wander off somewhere else and into dark territories of self-pity. Another part of the mind training I guess. It really helps focusing on the fact that there are other people out there going through what you yourself are, and others who are thinking of you at the same time. Maintains perspective.

 

My goodness - I was picturing the scene last night with your sister! What an amazing brother you are! If I were still living at home and turned up like that, my parents would go sparco at me!! Probably leave me outside on the lawn!! But to go to her aid despite your physical problems is being a true Samaritan. It will be interested to see what is found out about the occult blood situation. Personally I would have thought it was all connected with the infection, but it is far safer to get it looked into for peace of mind. It is a real test for this work you did on distancing yourself from the pain. If you can see it as a means to having yourself tested, as you will obviously need the pain to continue the practice. It is like any sort of recovery with that sort of negative connotation. Anxiety is the best example I can think of. You have to be able to feel it if you are to stop the fear. It needs to be felt.

 

What you talk about your shell does make sense. It is like being in a car. It is moving you about, but you are not your car. This is why I do not like the idea of funerals with the "shell". It means nothing. You don't keep a crisp packet once you have eaten the crisps!! LOL. I know this might be a lot for some people and they will play the "respect" card, but this is my opinion of course. I will not want any of that. The whole Buddhist aspect has really make its mark in that respect. There is no end. People who pass on are very much alive in everything they influenced while they were on the earth. They move on - there is no death, just as there is no birth. It is what I have thought all along about the so-called beginning of the universe. It is like Thich Nhat Hanh says... you cannot get nothing from something, and you cannot have something from nothing. Everything can return to a state of energy, but energy will never become nothing. You challenge people to think about it, and it is true...

 

No - you didn't mention anything about the Russian icon - please do tell. And interesting that you have a mixed faith in your family. I suppose, my parents being Christian, it is not so different. My mother went to a covanent and thus raised Catholic, but turned Christian when she met my dad. I went through a very strange phase when I was learning all about the occult, the kabbalah and so many other things. My parents were very scared, but I tried to explain it all to them, and they accepted that wiccans aren't bad people after all. That side is still very much in me, but it paved the way to the spiritualist that I have now become.

 

Anyway - other than being completely shattered, it was another good day. Went to see my weekend friend as always and had a very nice relaxing time - and even though the rest of the day was inside, I felt fine... although a little fragile. I need to maintain a focus on letting things "be" and not get anxious about being on borrowed time again. This is a tough lesson, but as I said above, we need to practice if we are to get it right. Will look forward to hear from you later.

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother, I'm so pleased another decent day for you and that you had a nice time with your friend. I sent you a PM. Once thing was pleasing today was on my walk some teenagers were making fun of me. I know this because I heard them mention the brand name on my hat as they laughed at me. Now in the past this would have destroyed me. I would have had a break down. I remember when I had my last family holiday in 2014, on the last night some teenagers had a laugh at me and I fell apart. My brother and sister were telling me it's not that deep and just ignore it but I couldn't cope. I went off on walk on my own and felt just terrible. I have a massive fear of being judged and ridiculed. I am so sensitive I can't bear it and it just kills any self confidence I may have had. It reinforces all the depression thoughts that plagued me of how much of a joke I am and now stupid I look and how pathetic I am. It is the main driver behind my social anxiety - fear of being judged. I'm not scared of being sick but it's the terror of being judged. My psychotic depression majorly traumatised me. I was already very insecure and had low self esteem, but the psychosis took things to the next level completely. So anyway I would say that what happened today was basically the reason I didn't go out before. I was my biggest fear, as it reinforces the message of my depression - that I am pathetic and worthy of being bullied. But was good about today was that it didn't really bother me! I just carried on and didn't even feel angry or hateful towards them. It was my first time wearing that wooly hat and I could have imploded and been like 'why did I wear this hat?? You idiot!!'. But I didn't thing like that. I actually thought this is good for me. I want to move beyond my ego, and the only thing that gets hurt when you are ridiculed is your ego. Richard Rohr writes that he prays that he will be humiliated every day. I thought of this when it happened today. I said to myself 'who is there to hurt?'. It is simply my ego and as I say I want to move beyond that. I think if you can take hits to your ego and not let it drag you down that is a real sign of spiritual progression. I simply felt love for the young boys who made fun of me. Obviously now going over it is slightly painful, but my reaction at the time was so calm and composed. I was thankful to them, because it gave me an opportunity to put my spiritual work into practice. When I was young I definitely acted an idiot and thought I was this super cool guy. I'm sure I was stupid and insensitive to others in the midst of my teenage self obsession and arrogance. I can't lie going over it has got the depression talking in my head, trying to make a big think out of it. But I don't do avoidance any more and as I say I was delighted with reaction earlier. It felt like another big step on my spiritual path. 

 

Yeah I'm not good with words too much when it comes to prayer. I was telling Gail about this. I think for me it is all about the intention. God knows what we mean you know? I like silent prayer. Just not using words but just trying to feel love and just be with God - 'Be still and know that I am God'. Basically meditating but with the emphasis on love and God. For me prayer/meditation is a major overlap as I do so much silent prayer. Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount that God knows what we are going to say in prayer before we have said it. That has always stuck with me. Jesus often went and prayed on his own a lot. I just try and put love into it. I say a few words but to be honest I am rubbish with them. So I mostly focus on thinking about something with love. The monks have lots of silence, so a Catholic monastery isn't really too different from a Buddhist one. What I like about prayer in terms of it's affect on me, it taking the focus from me to we. I am part of a community, part of this community of children of God. The more I thing of others, the less I isolate myself by focus on my problems. Really pushing my focus from thinking about myself all the time to thinking about others has helped me progress a lot as a person. 

 

There is this book called The Way of the Pilgrim, and it is about a Russian Orthodox Christian having no possession and wandering through Russian. He focuses all his attention on saying the Jesus Prayer over and over again. It is very similar what he is doing to mantras in Hinduism and Buddhism, but he would have had no idea about them. In terms of the Russian Icon, my Grandad was in Soviet Union. Religion was banned there, as was taking art out of the country. One day this dodgy guy on a street corner of Moscow starting saying do want some of this or some of that (stuff like cigs or booze), my grandad wasn't at all interested. Then the guy said 'what about icons'. My grandad then was interested and the guy said meet me at this corner tomorrow night and went off into the night. So then my grandad went back the next day and bought this icon. He hid it in his luggage and luckily managed to get it out of the Soviet Union. So I have no idea of it's history before my grandad got it, but it's amazing to think where it may have been. Now it is in chapel at the country. It makes me think that in even in a country where religion was banned, Jesus was still there. I know you have told me of the story about the stranger while was it your parents were giving out bibles in Russia? My parents are both Catholic, as is most of my extended family. 

 

Yeah my sister barely ever drinks to be honest, so therefore of course when she does it is much more powerful. My parents were both in the country at the time, but they have experience of dealing with drunken children LOL! Let's just say in my teens there were a few times I came home slightly worse for wear!! And there may have been a family wedding when I may have had one too many and the taxi journey home was not pretty LOL!! I can assure you those days are over now! I haven't drunk for about 8 years. My mum and dad in fact take the mickey out of me and my sister and brother as being goody goodies, as we all drink so little! My dad likes his wine but never gets drunk. My brother and sister will normally turn down alcohol at meals. 

 

So I have given you a lot to read to tonight, along with the PM!! I apologise man!

 

I love you so much brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Well, what a day! Been one emotional roller-coaster all round. Just had to catch up with some study which should have been done over the last couple of days, so my mental faculties are well and truly shot now! I really need another Sunday to rest. 

 

Great that you were able to notice your change after your incident with those teenagers yesterday. But for goodness sake, what is wrong with a woolen hat?! My friend yesterday was saying how much I have mellowed over the last 2-3 years too. According to her, I was always up in arms and ready to lay blame on anyone and anything. In your situation I probably would have confronted it more than get upset. But I hope that faced with such a situation that I would now do the same as yourself. So a huge pat on the back for that one man. That shows real growth. Negative breeds negative in all situations, so great to live by this if we can.

 

I think we have touched on the sensitivity card today already! But I am clearly shot from the same gun barrel as you in this respect. It was great to be in touch today - really don't know where I would have been without you. Thanks again man.

 

Silent prayer sounds good. I am frequently thinking that I cannot find the right words, but we of course do not need them. When we pass over, all of that silly means of communication goes out the window! I think we can still speak of course, but vocabulary just doesn't cut it. There will be all the amazing new sounds and colours that we do not have here on earth and so much more. All the feelings of joy that just cannot be captured with words alone. All done through thought.. LOL.. I have to retype that twice!!

 

It all made me think about how monks lives their life. I remember watching a documentary series on TV some time ago which followed monastries in the UK. It had no narrative at all. Apart from the chants, there was no audio at all. Wait... it wasn't you who recommended that was it? We have been talking for so long I cannot remember. But it was an amazing series. It really gave an inside view of what it is to live as a monk. All day is spent in quietness, so it is right that the series should represent this with there being no sound other than the ambience from nature, footsteps and so forth.

 

You certainly hadn't told me the story of the icon, and for sure - to think the journey that would have gone through to get to where it is today. 

 

So I had a return of depression for some of today. Woke up with a bit of self-pity. I was telling myself that I had done so much this week and that I deserve to rest - I should rest! But I still didn't have any interest in anything - very flat as you have also said. No enthusiasm to do anything. But I did go out for a drive as you know, and I also went out for a walk for around 25 minutes. Then the evening got rid of most of these feelings allowing me to study. I think it is that I want to rest and feel good at the same time, and this is pressure I put on myself. If I am going to feel down I might as well be working. When I have "me" time, I want to feel good and engage in the things I like doing. But as we know, this isn't always the way. Acceptance...

 

Right. I need to continue along these lines of rest now. Thanks again for everything today - will look forward to hearing from you.

 

So much love.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi dear brother! Yeah I appreciated your messages a lot today man! I really felt the love from them! I appreciate that so much man. Honestly like I said before to have you on this earth journey with me is just such a joy for me! To navigate this human experience will someone I admire and love so much is a true blessing for me! Thank you so much for everything brother! The day you came into my life was an unbelievably blessed day! As you said in one of your messages, today has shown a resilience in our friendship that can't be broken! Honestly man just thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support and love you give me! Man just having you here with me just gives me so much strength! 

 

I got up today about 5 30 ish and then was back having my siesta pretty soon. Didn't even fit in a walk. But it's what I needed after last week. I can really relate to what you say about finding it hard to enjoy your down time. I often find that it is in these days of rest that I get most depressed. It's almost like your store it up when you doing stuff and then when you have a break it comes to the surface. I try and just focus on the fact I am getting rest. Even if I can't really enjoy it, i try and just make sure I do get some good rest in. I really try and just give my brain space. Just let it take in my recent exploits and try and process it. That brain quiet time is so important, even if you can always enjoy it. It gives us the platform to go onto our exposures and tasks. My real focus right now is just to be present and face up and front up to what I'm feeling in that moment. Don't indulge in it or get trapped in a negative cycle but just observe it and not run from it. 'This is how I feel? Ok, let it be'. I've been running for years from depression and anxiety and it got me nowhere. I just have to be present and in the here and now. The more you do this, the more you notice the triggers that set off negative thought patterns. So for example, for me any thought of my future and I become scared, lost, depressed. Now when that thought of the future comes into my head, I can sort of notice it coming to surface and I can have time to step back and not let overtake me. I just put all my focus as I say in being in the present, being in the now. The now is where I am and just let it be. The negative thoughts might pop up but I don't indulge them, just let them be there and welcome them, but don't follow them into the spiral. 

 

Man that is great your friend has noticed a change in you. That shows how much you are growing as a person. We sometimes need those on the outside to point out to us these things. One of my aunts was telling my mum that she found me really enjoyable company and that I don't seem someone who has lived through so much trauma and that she feels so positive for me. That really made me so happy to hear, because it backs up my perception of how the spiritual work has changed me. I put all my effort into bringing love into any gathering and to hear that positive feedback felt like well I not deluded here, I am making such great steps. Of course with depression you question everything and doubt yourself, so to have that outside view really makes me think i do have a purpose here on earth. Honestly man what spirituality has done to my life is just incredible. A year ago I wasn't anywhere near where I am now. I felt so purposeless this time last year and now I do have drive that my spirituality brings. It feels like I have finally found a calling. I just felt so aimless before. I am so thankful to God for coming to me. 

 

I don't think i told you about that documentary but I know there have been a few on recently. Monasteries just such a big part of my life, it makes sense I would embrace such a life now. 

 

Ok man head starting to shut down now! By the way well done for the study! That is great you did that on such a day! So continuously inspired by your attitude to life! Again brother thank you so so much! 

 

Love you so much brother

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Thanks for all your kind words about me in your life. I do feel so privileged, along with Gail, to be the first to have been given the friend title in such a long time. And anything and everything that I have given is completely my pleasure in doing so, just as I know it is reciprocated. 

 

Glad you find the same about day that we have a break. I do tend to struggle a bit when I know there is nothing i have to do. As I have said before, this is something that I need to work on. It doesn't help that I am alone with thoughts for a lot of the time and with the wife. If she is having a bad day, I often get sucked into it as we are in the same room all of the time. Very difficult to remove yourself from the negative cycle when it is all around you like that. Like trying to see a book in a dark room you know. Still I got through it all yesterday... with the help from yourself of course!

 

Today was a bit difficult. For some reason I woke up and felt completely paranoid, and was having random thoughts that just made me feel negative. No anxiety or depression exactly, but this overwhelming feeling of being very fragile and so so uncomfortable. Its a new one and I didn't like it. It passed in about 3 hours, but by then, the damage was done and it had me worried and thinking for the rest of the day. All the same, I went to see 4 clients. I was fine when I was with them - including one new client - and I was for sure certain I would be anxious, but I really wasn't. Spent about 45 minutes there with no worrying at all. But I was so tired, that might have helped, but I still have to have my wits about me. I just don't like this lottery of emotion when waking up. It isn't my thoughts, it is just there as soon as I wake. I simply do not have control. I miss the days when I thought myself into these things - at least then I could work on it - but when it actually wakes you up, it is like someone bursting into your flat and screaming "fire!" you know. 

 

Lovely to hear that your aunt say this change about you. Because things happen so slowly around us, we so rarely see the progress. So this is good evidence for you so show that you have for sure improved - and done it well! This will all help to propel you forward in your new found vocation with life. It helps to show you that you are on the right path. This is so important, and it is this purpose that we loose sight of when the depression gets a hold. It is crazy how it can just come and go so quickly and as it likes to. Again, the control thing. No doubt you will be telling me that it is all part of acceptance - and you would be right - but still so difficult!!

 

Still very exhausted after today. I just carried on until I had everything done that I wanted to. I might pay for it again tomorrow, but at least I have all the loose ends tied up and there should be no further surprises for me this week - just the booked clients and that is all. I need this. Only the Mental Health team to face on friday morning and stupid o'clock, but I will put that to the back of my mind for now. Hoping you had a good start to the resting week for you brother - tell me all about it!

 

Love you so much man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I have PM'd you tonight. I think after the intensity of yesterday emotionally, that will leave a after effect. Like whip lash. There might not have seen an obvious trigger to you but in the fragile states we're in right now, a day like yesterday will take a bit of time to shake off. I think what you felt today is normal man. Obviously, I'm so sorry you had to go through that though. In my book I'm reading it says that the spiritual path is very bumpy and I think this applies to where we are in out journey. Spiritually when you have a breakthrough it feels amazing and then when you go back to your normal state, that leaves you feeling really low. It's all part of the journey. I can see this clearly in my own progress. I had this great time in the country and then at leaving time I got hit by this horrific depression for a bit. Being in the country was like heaven and then leaving felt like my time in heaven was over and obviously this hit hard. I wasn't conscious of this process, but you from the outside could see it clearly. Last week as well, I had these two days of massive exposures with the GP and the tube on Tuesday and Wednesday and then they went much better than I thought they would. Of course then on Thursday onwards I haven't been doing anything much and I have been feeling really flat and general just rubbish. I tasted for two days something I didn't think I was capable of, a new world and now it's back to the normal. This is a big drop and inevitably it will leave me feeling cold. You feel so excited by these achievements and exposures but then of course you need to rest afterwards and this feels so flat. It's hard to enjoy the rest because you want that high of what you felt doing the exposures. Of course with the depression and anxiety we have our brains don't focus on the positive aspect that we did these exposures but instead focuses on the fact that we need to rest and thinks 'why can't I always been like that'. I can't lie when I got back from the tube trip one of the first thoughts I had was 'why were you so scared of that'. I used this thought in a positive way, in terms of saying to myself 'look you don't know what you capable of, your much stronger than you think'. But in the past I might have chosen a negative thought pattern and thought 'why can't I go on the tube everyday and just be normal'. We have that choice - choose the negative perspective or the positive one. What I have realised is just how seductive that negative thinking is. It draws us in and next thing we know we are fully in negative spiral and overwhelmed by depression. I really noticed on that car journey how much I indulged the negativity and was almost enjoying going on about how awful my life was. It was my ego taking over. I got caught in the negative thoughts and the next thing I knew I was basically suicidal and become this completely different person. As my mum said afterwards I am never like that and everything I was saying was basically contradicting what I normally say. That's how disciplined we have to be. There is negative me and positive me. They are two very different people. But what did I gain out of indulging negative me? Nothing! In fact it simply made the journey way worse and made me question all the work I have been doing for months. However seductive it is to be negative, it is completely in our self interest to be positive. Even if that is a slightly forced positive. I have learned to be ruthless in my approach mentally. Choose the positive option, because I know through so much experience that is definitely in my self interest to do so. So this just about being a good person but actually what's best for you as well. If I'm looking at this from a selfish perspective, I will still choose the positive path. When I feel the negativity creeping in, I tell myself 'No I'm not going there'. It takes a lot of will power and a lot of practice. And as say it will sometimes feel forced. But from my experience a slightly forced positivity is so much better than any form of negativity. I hope that makes some sense man! Just thinking out loud really! 

 

But also remember how important self compassion is. That really goes hand in hand with the positive thinking. It's for me about letting go as much as I can. The paradox of control man! The more we want control the less we feel we have it and the more let go the more control we get. I can really attest to this! But also remember this is a process, a journey. At the time it might seem like we are going nowhere, but then we will look back and see that actually we doing good work at the time. I was really comforted last night reading that the spiritual journey is bumpy, but also it said in the book it often feels like we are stagnating. It said the spiritual path is mostly, apart from brief highs, very gradual. Ultimately it said in the book, just keep on doing what you are doing. This really resonated with me. 

 

So sorry for going on about acceptance again man LOL! And yes it is very very hard. It me a long long time to get my head even around the concept, but ultimately it is in our self interest. The more acceptance, the happier we are - at least that is my experience and what I have read. You have overcome so much brother and I can say from the outside you are making amazing strides with your mental work. To put things in context, you are learning this things much, much quicker than me!  Both of us can do much more than we give ourselves credit for, or maybe I should say the depression gives credit for. 

 

Also well done for new client today! Fantastic stuff! Like me and the tube you thought you would have anxiety, but there was none. So sometimes the lack of control works in a positive sense!! We get a pleasant surprise! Really proud of you man! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey again brother...

 

So you should have my PM, so might make this a little shorter as there is a lot to read through. My eyes were getting lost in your message this morning when I read it. My eyes aren't that good without paragraph breaks - I get lost very easily!!

 

I think we are around the same place at the moment having gone through some good times and managed to face up to some really challenges, and now we have calmed down a bit and the dust is settling and we are realising the old self again. This is what we both really need to work on, and the tough part of it is that we need to endure it, face up to it, in order to practice what we need to get past it. As I said to Polly earlier today, my days of late have seemed more "tough" than "bad". I do feel more mentally stronger when faced with these times, but still so very fragile. 

 

This morning was especially tough. I again woke with no warning of what was going to happen. I was again really shattered - wired but tired. It was like I hadn't slept at all, but my mind was having none of it, so all I could do was lay and look around the room. My eyes couldn't focus on a book for any time, nor on the phone. So I was trapped with random thoughts going on in my head. Not bad thoughts exactly, but there were negative connotations to them that I was trying to just let pass. Not altogether pleasant but could have been - and certainly has been - so much worse.

 

So yes, this all comes down to acceptance again. I do what I can to lean on the spiritual side of things when they get a bit out of control, and I have found that my physical condition has more of a bearing now than my thoughts getting in the way. This morning for example, it was depression linked to the fact that I was stuck in my shell and there was nothing I could do about it. Self-pity in a way, but I kept telling myself that I have not done this to me, it certainly is biology. I would not have helped matters to have overdone things yesterday, especially after a roller-coaster weekend...

 

Anyway. I hope you don't mind a light reply, but I need to keep resting as much as I can after yesterday. I am hoping that I will feel better tomorrow - hope so, as I have a few clients booked. And remember - anything you need to say brother... anything... I am here.

 

Love you very much

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi man! Oh no so sorry about that! I just got lost in a train of thought! That's what happens sometimes with me I just think out loud with you! Apologise for that! 

 

I was thinking about your situation with your wife man and wanted to share that I had a very similar situation with my mum. I used to just go on and on about things bothering me and how unlucky I was and my mum really found it hard to take. She said along the lines of 'I have to look after you and if you wear me out I won't be able to properly'. After a while it clicked for me that it really dragged her down when I got lost in moaning. My dad on the other hand has no problem at all with me getting really depressed and saying really dark things. He just sits and listens and doesn't say anything at all, just remains really calm. So I learned that when I felt I needed to let off some steam, I would very deliberately find my dad alone. Once I'm done then we just move onto to something else with ease, he has no problem at all with that. Obviously your wife doesn't have the equivalent of my dad, but maybe her therapist could play that role. My main point was I learned to adapt with my mum but it did take time. So if I did it, I'm sure you wife can. I was in her exact situation and managed to change eventually. Also please send my best to you wife, and I hope her poetry is going well! 

 

Sorry about that morning brother, really sorry about that. Remember though that we aren't really trapped in our 'shell', this is what I have learnt. The more and more we focus on the spirit, the more we can transcend the 'shell'. You look at all these really enlightened people, like Thich Nat Hanh for example, and what do they do with their day? Just basically meditate and pray, and spend most of the day in silence! The really enlightened ones lead really really simple lives. In my book i read an itinerary for a Zen monastery and it really wasn't too different to my day. I obviously have my lyme treatments which take up time and then my exposures, plus of course all my medical appointments, but other than that it basically mindfulness and reading! Also I sleep more because I am weak so need to. But the thing is your and mine lives are much closer to the routines of these enlightened people than most western people, with crazy working hours and endless stimulation. I think that really puts our situation into context. We are living much closer to this monastic life we admire, than the vast majority of people. The only think man is they get up crazy early LOL! So we will have to set up our own monastery for nocturnal people LOL! 

 

I had a good exposure today. I woke up and didn't feel like going out at all. I had been in a really deep sleep and was a bit dazed. Whenever I'm not feeling to sharp I'm much more anxious about going out. I like to be really focussed on what's going in, really sort of pumped up for the challenge. I had to go the tube station to buy an oyster card, and it was peak rush hour. Also it was the first time wearing my wooly hat since I got laughed at. I was so nervous about wearing it, thinking what if I get abused again? But then I thought I had to brave it and not let that incident change me. So I forced groggy me out into the rush hour crowds at the station, only an hour after waking up from a deep sleep. I was going over some of my spiritual sayings in my head and in the end came through it well. 

 

Ok man lots of words from me today including the PM! Man keep up the rest and absolutely no pressure from me ok? If you ever need a few days off or anything that's cool, I simply want the best for you! And thanks again for being there my brother! 

 

Love you so much brother

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man!

 

So, I have realised what is going on with my fatigue and everything. I have been having non-restorative sleep again as I did earlier in the year. Basically, I am waking up and feeling like I have been kept awake against my will. Absolutely exhausted despite not even waking for a good 7 hours. I know because I always remember my dreams, and I haven't had any for 3 nights, which means that I am not entering any REM cycle - and if you don't get to this fourth stage in your sleep, you won't feel rested because that is when all of the repair work goes on with the body. I understand why it happened after Sunday, but I hope that it will go fairly quickly as I had to spend another 3 hours in bed half awake and half asleep again. It really isn't very nice to endure. It is simply not possible to do anything. Even getting myself to the bathroom feels like I am completely drunk and that my body is falling apart. Fortunately there were only 3 clients and didn't start until 4pm, so I was able to get my work done - and fortunately I didn't fall asleep on them!!

 

Great how your dad can listen to all your woes and troubles and not be affected by them - my parents are exactly the same. My mum cannot stand it for a few seconds, whereas my dad, who have "been there done that", is happen to listen and chat all day about these sort of things. Definately helps when you have been there first hand. It can be very difficult with the wife as if she is herself in a bad way, then it is no good me talking about anything as it will only influence her more, which in turn will create something of a downward spiral for us both!

 

I think being subject to the life of a monk would take some getting used to, but I can certainly see why people do engage with it. I think you have to be a certain type of person following a particular path, but it would be such a reward. When people really start to understand how the mindfulness and meditation work, it can take on a whole new meaning. So many people think meditation is laying down and listening to some dude bang on about rainbows and stuff, but the level of relaxation doesn't even come close. I used to do a lot of guided meditation, but now I mostly have very simple audio or sound effects. Too many instruments and so on distracts from the mind work I find. Of course you wouldn't engage with the background music at all. The nocturnal monastery sounds great too! Might get a bit tough in winter with all the self-sufficient food that needs tending to though!

 

You did another fantastic exposure there man. And never you mind about that hat. I am sure it is not nearly as bad as what you are saying it is. I have three that I wear out in the Winter, and I just think of them only to keep my ears warm! But goodness, to do that just after an hour of waking up is something else. This is why I am glad to be self employed as there is no way I could get up and go straight to an office. So I assume that was the bridge station you had to go to? I can't remember that as most of my memories of tubes were right in the centre. But what I do know is that they are very scary places. Speaking of being being made fun of in public, I remember running up an escalator in a tube station as I was late for a train. A friend and I had just been to see Evansesence at Wembley and I was all dressed up in the dark goth gear! I tripped over my long duster coat going up this escalator and it damn well hurt when I fell on those metal stair things, but just about everyone in the nearby vicinity was laughing at me. Not funny...

 

So I will sign off in telling you what happened with my dear grandmother. She had come home from the hospital and was in her bedroom at my parents house. She was more or less in a coma and unresponsive so she still had all the clobber from the hospital. We were told that she was very unlikely to come round because of blood on the brain, but one night, my mum was sat with her reading a book and all of a sudden, she sat bolt upright in bed, which was impossible for a start given her 94-year old body. She looked at the end of the bed - eyes fixed on something... and then had the biggest smile that lit up her whole face. She stayed there looking at this seemingly empty space for a while and then rested back to the bed and passed over. We are sure that my grandfather came to take her with him. My mum said she looked so so happy at that time. It certainly helped the family. Makes you think some lovely things....

 

Much love to you my dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man that is a beautiful story about your grandmother! Thank you so much for sharing that! Really beautiful and so powerful! I have read many similar stories about people having spiritual moments just before they pass. So moving to hear that! As you say it makes you think lovely things. I might read some more NDE, spiritual books soon. Just thinking about your grandmother is making my heart warm! 

 

So I had a HUGE exposure today. Again I kept it quiet because I couldn't handle the pressure. Only my mum and dad knew. So my therapist is working so hard right now!! We made this plan last week, to walk to from her office in Victoria to Sloane Square, go into a shop and then for me to take the tube home on my own. That so that was what we did today. I found the walk from Victoria to the shop very tiring and was blowing a lot when we arrived, was only about 13 minutes so not that long for me, so made me feel pretty bad that I was so weak. Then we spend 25 minutes in this big clothes shop with music blaring out, just walking around. She suggested for me to go into the changing room for an exposure. First time in a changing room since I was about 18!! To be honest it would have been fine, but the fact of the loud music made it pretty unenjoyable. But it wasn't unbearable though. Obviously this highlighted my sensitivity to music, so that added to me feeling pretty down about my physical weakness. Then we walked to the tube, had a brief overview outside and then off I went. I had gone to the tube yesterday to but an oyster card for today. I moment I got on the platform a direct tube home arrived and thankfully there was a spare seat! I collapsed in the seat and was just enjoying the lack of loud music! Then next thing I know at my station! So then walked home! Once in the house I was dead! I felt like collapsing on the sofa, but just sat down for a full hour, resting my legs. Man my therapist is making me put in the hard yards right now. When I was in the clothes shop I was thinking to myself, after this I have to then have the exposure of getting a tube on my own for the first time since 2013!! I mean I was going to the tube knackered, not even fresh!! Going to the shop and then the tube - 2 massive exposures for me in one go! 

 

Like last week I have to say the anxiety was really stable. I was more feeling rubbish about my physical weakness and my sensitivity to music. Obviously I still have a long way to go, but I feel now I am more and more getting onto of the anxiety. It's my physical energy and mental processing that is the main problem. Unfortunately neither of those who go exposures for!! It's like I couldn't even enjoy the exposure or feel satisfaction, because all I was thinking about was how tired I was and how much that music had been uncomfortable. So I really need to practice what I preach about self-compassion and acceptance. It's just I can't help think 'well with my exposures going well, think what I could do with a healthy body right now! I want to walk longer times! I want to be out for longer!'. But then it's all about little steps. Slow but steady progress. It was only 3 years ago that I couldn't leave the house at all for 2 whole months because of how weak I was. I struggled doing my teeth back then, and walking up one flight of the stairs in my house would leave me completely breathless. 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step' - Lao Tzu. 

 

Really sorry to hear about the fatigue brother, I really hope it can clear up next few days! But a big bravo for going to the clients! Also I didn't know you used to be a goth, I thought you were more of a hippy! I was never a goth but certainly thought they were pretty cool at one point. Did wear a lot of black at a time. So you even had the big coat! Awesome! Sorry about that fall though, that must have been so painful on those stairs!! I'm fine with the hat, it's more I was scared that as I had been made fun of wearing it the first time, it might happen again. So I had to not let that fear win! When I got back my brother said I looked cool, so it's all subjective LOL! 

 

Sorry for the overload of info today!! 

 

I love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Sorry forgot to mention in the PM how nice it was that your parents are asking of me. So lovely that they care. 

 

Now, an important thing happened today... you have done a massive thing with your exposure, and I couldn't believe it. That is HUGE. We were just saying about having your aid with you - and here you are doing it on your own! How on earth man!? I was awestruck when I saw this earlier. I know the free seat would have helped but man... that is incredible! There are SO many people that have a phobia of the tube - quick search tells me 1 in every 10 people! And... this got me moving...

 

Today I woke with a terrible start. Not depression, not anxiety, just a feeling that I cannot describe. Just so unbelievably uncomfortable. It is fear, agitation, paranoia. Like I am trapped in a headspace that I cannot escape. Closest thing is your mental claustrophoiba. So reading your exposure made me feel really inadequate if I am to be honest. I had an early client and just had to face it, and when I got home I thought... why don't I just go and do my own exposure. For me, the tube is like taking on something that could cause a lot of stress. I am terrified of it. And one thing that I had on my list was to overhaul my brakes on the car. I bought some really posh gear a while ago, and it has just been sitting in my parents garage upsetting me that I cannot do anything. So, I had 2 hours... I did it man. Got all the spanners and wotnot out. Took everything to bits and fitted this wonderful new brake system. Granted it was only the rear set up, but when I got home, I ordered the front set up knowing that I can do it! YOU made me do this man.. you! Thank you so much!!

 

Interesting how you are getting on with the music sensitivity. It seems that when you are in the moment of anxiety that you can tolerate it better knowing you have to cope, I expect that if you were at home with the laptop... and thus had the choice... it would be more difficult. Its all psychosomatic, but that is how it goes. This is why we do exposures I guess. We get ourselves to the place that we HAVE to do these things, and then when it comes to doing them when we have the choice, that choice is not so difficult any more. Just like my brakes. I need to keep this moving. I know it is the way forward, but with whatever is going on in my head at the moment, it feels like someone is hitting the reset switch every time I wake up. But like you say - steady progress. We both need to exercise some patience. On the plus side, I did recall some dreams last night and sure enough, no fatigue! I love it when a diagnosis comes together... it is for sure this non-restorative sleep... which much like your lymes is not considered a real thing by many in the medical profession. They'd just say that I am sleeping too late, but it is true... if you don't hit a REM cycle, you do not restore your energy. I know what I am talking about.

 

Anyway. I have my 9am silly meeting again with the Mental Health team. The last of 4 meetings. I cannot believe I have done this 3 times already. No wonder my head is a bit of a mess. I am so glad this is the last one, but I need to get it out of the way in the morning and then let the healing start. Much like you, it only has to be one morning and I am screwed for some time. Very much like jet lag... so I best start winding down as best I can. Will report back tomorrow on how it goes, but once again, my sincere thanks for getting me moving today and another MASSIVE congrats on what you did. That is one for the record books!!!

 

So much love for you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

YES MAN! That is amazing about those brakes!! That's incredible! So happy for you man! What an achievement! That showed such bravery and motivation! That must have taken some serious energy as well! So is a big triumph over your fatigue! And a massive triumph of motivation! I am happy if I could have played some part in that, but take nothing away from yourself. You could have let your self feel down but you took really positive steps instead! This is what it is all about brother, us buzzing of each other! You could have indulged in self pity but you didn't you reacted in a POSITIVE way! This is so exciting man! The more we can start wiring our brains into positivity, it is going to make such a difference. 

 

So after a crazy day yesterday, things got even more strange after I posted. I felt so tired I could barely think. I had one of the songs I heard in the shop sort of in my head, and I was trying to remember what were some of the words. So I looked up if they a playlist of the the store played. I couldn't find anything, but then next thing I know I was watching a video with music on youtube. Just sort of clicked the link thinking 'what the hell'. Then everything was a bit of haze. I then looked at the clock I had been watching music videos and festival videos for almost 1 1/2 hours!! Like what?? This is the thing with brain plasticity man!!! It just jumps surprises on you! Something you can't do and then suddenly you can. Last week I had a slight tinge of feeling like I wanted to listen to music, but it wasn't strong enough. What was weird was that in the store, all I could think about was 'I can't wait to get out, this is hell'. Then what do i do?? Go that night and listen to music for 1 1/2 hours!!!! Again what?? To be fair after what I have seen in the last 8 years nothing surprises me with my brain. I have had things like this out of blue happen before - like the reading for example! I hadn't read a novel for over 7 years and then the first one I read I did it all up to the last chapter in one night!!! My brain is basically the definition of all or nothing!!!! It was the same with films. I hadn't watched a single one in 5 1/2 years and then watched 3 in a weak!!! It's what keeps me going in the dark times, knowing my brain will spring a surprise! I just have to sit back and let it do what it has to do! 

 

After listening to the music I felt so wired! I did managed to get to sleep quickly but I woke with some of the songs I was listening to in my head. I woke feeling like I had been to massive party or something the night before. My brain just felt so overwhelmed with the changes so I tried to give it as much space as possible today. I haven't done much just slept and rested. I'm still buzzing as I write from the music last night. First time with headphones on since end of March. I feel the opposite of flat. Loads of adrenaline and energy. This afternoon I was talking to my brother about the music and he put on one the songs I listened to last night on his phone and it got me proper bouncing LOL! What's going on man?? I think some one might have spiked my drink or slipped some drugs into my food LOL! I think when you have not been able to do something sensory for so long, when it comes back it almost like experiencing something for the first time. 

 

But I'm not getting ahead of myself, it may well be a one off. I briefly could listen to music in March and then stopped again, so I definitely not expecting anything here. I'm just happy that if it was a one off, I can at least say 'I haven't listen to music since October' not March. It just shows stuff is going on. That's the main thing. But it's really important I keep grounded. As I say could listen briefly in March and then it stopped, so not expecting anything here. Anyway my main focus is my reading. 

 

Oh man your early start, well last week you had a great day afterwards, so no reason why tomorrow can't be the same! You've handled it all so well! Also really happy about your sleep! I so hope that continues! Anyway massively proud of you my brother!! And brilliant you straight away bought the front set up! That is such a POSITIVE attitude! Really feel buzzing for you! So happy! 

 

I will be praying for tomorrow! 

 

Love you so much brother!
 

God bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I am relieved to be back here talking to you knowing that there are people that understand me. I have had something of a difficult day. As you know, I had the last of my assessments with the mental health team which involved next to no sleep again, for the third week in a row. The stupid woman was AGAIN 15 minutes late. She hadn't spoken to the doctor about my meds like she promised and told me that I was looking at the wrong things to find positivity. I should feel happy that the batteries in the alarm clock that woke me up were working... and that the bag I carry around with me if big enough to hold all my stuff. I mean really - what a crock of crap! 

 

Anyway, she then told me that I need to find a service that will offer me ongoing support, and that I would have to pay for it. They are already aware that this isn't possible. So they suggested that I go to the "low-cost" service which is about 20 miles away, to which I pointed out the cost of petrol and parking... and the loss of income for taking over 3 hours out of my day to accommodate. These people simply do not care man. She then concluded by telling me that I was "discharged from services". Thus meaning that I have no access to psychologists, doctors or crisis team. So I am not totally without support.

 

So in a nutshell, they screw me around with my meds, then they make me wait months to see doctors, and then having told me that I wasn't playing by the rules, I do exactly what they ask only to be told that I am discharged. My anger is off the charts at the moment. Then I went to speak to my parents, and my sister was there - who used to work in the MH service. I explained what happened and my sister said that it was own fault for messing about with the meds and they probably feel they can't do anything with you because of this. I tried explaining to her - as I have many times - that I did not have any support, so what I did with my meds was arrived at between this forum, my GP and my own knowledge. She told me that I was stupid to do this. I snapped then man. I told my sister that she was wrong on every level, my mum started crying... it all went to pieces.

 

But I have since thought - screw it. Why should I care if I don't have their support? What support? I didn't have any anyway. I was always saying they gave me more stress than anything, so why am I worried? I am better off now than I have been in a year since I started taking things into my own hands. Getting homepathic remedies, taking Kratom, meditating and of course speaking to everyone on the forum - yourself VERY much included. I was doing far better before they got involved, so this is for the better. As far as my sister goes, we have a history, so it was only a matter of time. I can't go into details of what occurred, but suffice to say, she deserved to not be considered my sister for what she did. I consider it now as a test from above.

 

Anyway - sorry a bit of an outburst there! But feels good to have written it down and off my chest - so thanks for getting this far!

 

I have to now speak about this music situation. If nothing else, it really interests me being a student of neurology and linguistics. It is fascinating how this works in your brain. I would love to run tests on you!! LOL. But that would not exactly be fair on you!! I think it is fantastic that you were able to have that time to listen, and yes, I can well imagine it is like having your world turn into colour from a once black and white. Music is a big part of my life and to be withdrawn from it would be so difficult. As would reading for that matter, so what you have been through is incredible. It will be really interesting to see how it continues. So, do you already know when music will be an issue before listening, or do you need to listen first to establish whether it will be an issue? Sorry if this goes a bit scientific!!

 

Right, off to do the rounds for the other bits I have missed on the forum today. After a bit of a rest, I had five clients today and a massive shopping trip, so I have, through no fault of my own, overdone it again. But at least the weekend is here...

 

Today more than before, so much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! First things first I am here for you always as I said in the PM. I am always, always here for you! We are on a journey together brother and we will look after each other as we go! 

 

I am deeply hurt and sorry for your treatment by the therapist and then your sister. I can't imagine the stress. BUT I am unbelievably proud at how you reacted to such horrible circumstances and treatment! You have so much to be angry about, you have so much very justified anger and yet you are maintaing the POSITIVITY! YES BROTHER!! This is so beautiful to see. You are doing amazing work! 

 

Let me tell you - what you had to face today would have done me in. I would not have been able to preach the positivity like you have done in your message. You are just an insane inspiration to me. A true hero to me brother. It is stunning to see you react with such a productive mindset. You haven't caved in to self pity but it has simply made you more determined. Amazing! Seriously I really want you to know how amazing what you achieved is!! The emotional stress of what you described is appalling, and almost everybody else would have fallen into a spiral of negativity. YET YOU DIDN'T!!!! THAT IS AMAZING MAN!!! For me this right up there with the most amazing things I have seen you do - and that is one long list!!!! So proud right now! Proud and inspired by you!!! I want to give you a hug and a standing ovation!!! 

 

Man don't apologise, write as long as you want to me, about anything. On this subject all I can say is as someone who loves you so deeply I am very very hurt by what you had to face. My parents, my aunt, my siblings - I talk a lot about how horrific what you have had to face is. It makes me so so angry and so pained. Truly horrific. I'm afraid for many people, probably including my self, it would have been too much to deal with. So for you to keep going IS AMAZING!!!! Honestly man you have something special for dealing with all that. I've hardly seen bravery on that scale in my life. In my eyes you are A GIANT OF COURAGE! Seriously man you are my massive hero!! 

 

PLUS 5 CLIENTS AND SHOPPING!!!!!! WHAT??? When I read that bit just now I had to double take!!! I shaking my head here!! I didn't know bravery could be so big! Honestly you are truly amazing brother! I really hope you can see this in yourself! Insane, insane! If could do that today - nothing is off limits to you! Just a mix of awe and pride right now!!! Out of words here man LOL!!!! Still shaking my head here!!! WOW!!! You have really been blessed with something special!! Today is one for the record books brother! In my head I'm going to be so inspired by this day!!! 

 

So I'll quickly just mention I did another exposure today. I had my ME osteopath and she is 4 stops on the tube away. I have always had my mum drive there of course. But I the traffic has been really bad lately, since they have such down a bridge and last time I was 25 minutes late for an hour session. So yesterday I thought after wednesday I would take the tube. My mum drove me there so I didn't have the walk, and then when she was parking I got on a tube since we were running a bit behind. I was planning to get on it with her but I didn't want to be late. I wake up and within 20 minutes I'm in the car, so it was weird to be on the tube 30 minutes from waking. It was like being at 6th form college again. On the tube there it was a bit weird since it was the 1st time I had gone on the tube without my therapist telling me to, or suggesting to. This time she didn't even know I was planning it. It makes it easier when she suggests it, because then it's like 'well I have to do this to make her happy. I trust her so I'll do it'. But this time it was like 'I didn't have to do this. I am making the right decision'. Saying that the traffic sort of forced my hand a bit. I didn't want to be 25 minutes late again, which I would have been as it is horrific at the moment. She is only 5 minute walk from the tube. Once the session was over I met my mum afterwards. She had followed me on a later tube. She had done so food shopping, so I helped her with the bags. We got the tube back together. Only ten minutes and 4 stops. I managed to get a seat both ways, it wasn't very busy either time. Now for a weekend off!!!! Then next week seeing a specialist about my stomach at last!!! 

 

My brain is going a bit here man, so I will talk about music tomorrow. 

 

Again just WOW! I'm still just so moved and inspired by your remarkable strength and bravery!!!! So so inspired right now!!! Pretty emotional if I'm honest at just what an amazing friend I have here! Thank you so much brother! I am lost for words right now! I'm still shaking my head with awe here LOL!! My HERO and my LEGEND! 

 

Love you so much brother!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother.

 

Really needed your words of encouragement today, so a huge massive thanks before going further. The impact of yesterday, although seeming to be in perspective last night, did not seem quite so well sorted in the light of day. I woke up feeling incredibly vulnerable. It didn't help that the wife was also not feeling quite right. However, three hours passed and I had some breakfast, got in the shower and went to see my friend as normal. We chatted it over and she agreed with what I said to you last night and she said that it is only natural that I am worried to not have support in a crisis. She got my thinking logically again in mentioning just how few times I have had to use them in the last 12 months... and that each time I had used them, sure I was suicidal, but the reason for that was the stress from the Mental Health team! So no mental health team should therefore mean no more suicidal mood swings! It is all in the stress. 

 

Anyway - onto your exposure. Man.... you are going flat out here!! You really did those stops on your own?! That is so admirable. Hugely so. Nice that your mum was in tow, but that in no way detracts from the enormity of what you did as you could just have easily ridden the tube back home no problem. I did wonder why you were buying an Oyster card!! I have always driven everywhere, so going on any public transport is still an exposure to me. I have taken taxis back from the hospital before, but this was before we met. Think is I don't really have cause for using a bus or train because of my car, so I don't think it will work much unless I can do something like that more frequently. But again. Don't think of it in terms of 10 minutes. It doesn't matter if it was 1 minute or 1 hour - the fact is you did it. As we know, most of the anxiety is in the thinking before. When in the "zone", it dissipates. So whichever way you choose to look at it, it is worthy of a huge congrats from me brother! What will you tell me about your day today!? LOL. But I wouldn't be expecting anything other than a well deserved rest...

 

Regarding the music - sure, as and when. I have got my head deep in my study at the moment so plenty to keep my brain occupied.

 

Latest news from today though was a great find on the Internet. I have always said how great my last NHS therapist was, and a shame that we only had the allotted 8 sessions. When I spoke to the team last, they could not guarantee that I would be able to see her again. But it was today that I thought, just maybe she is in the telephone directory and I could ask if she does private sessions. And what do you know.. she was listed in a psychotherapist directory and she lives just minutes from my home!! She only offers sessions one day a week, so I guess the rest of the week she works for the NHS. This is amazing man. No starting from square one, or wondering whether we would get on etc etc. She did some great work with me and will have all my background, so it will be like starting from week 8 again. I just hope she has some space. Even that said, I would have to wait 3 months for the NHS, so I won't be loosing out. Just hope I can see her sooner rather than later. I really think this will make a difference. Watch this space!!

 

Anyway - my sincere thanks again for your message. This is going in the permanent pile in my mailbox along with the others. Will nip over to the PM's now.. see you there!!

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man. Well I have been sleeping a lot. Woke at 5 30 pm!! Then back for a siesta a few hours later! But my main sleep felt so good. I was thinking to myself 'this just feels amazing having this duvets over me'. Just sort looking at something I do everyday with wonder, which was really nice. I love it when I can appreciate those little things we may take for granted but so many people in the world don't have. When I woke up I felt like I had had such a treat, even though it was something I do every night!! That is the beauty of mindfulness. Turning every day occurrences into something truly magical. Like being a child again, having that innocence. When you live life more simply you enjoy these little things so much more I find. I mean a rainbow is free!!! You can buy all the latest whatever but the best stuff in life is free. With social media people are much less in tune with nature and so we have this mental health endemic. When I was a kid I used to just play outside and it was magic! 

 

Yeah with the tube it would mean I could go to appointments on my own. Obviously I don't drive and that's not going to change unfortunately as I can't learn in my present state. For you, as you say it's not really something to put your energy into as you have your car. 

 

In terms of the music basically if I feel like listening to music I will feel restless and that I need more mental stimulation that just a book. So it's like feeling like you need physical exercise otherwise you won't be tired to sleep but for your brain. So basically I know when I can listen by what my body is telling me. So you just sit back and leave your brain to it. 

 

Man I completely agree with your friend. That's great she could see the situation so clearly and I think she is spot on. Your ultimately needing the treatment because of them. So it's just a cycle. Getting out of that cycle now could be really positive for you. Like you said yesterday you now have the forum, meditation, your homeopath, Kratom. You have all these tools now and they were simply a toxic influence to what YOU have worked on. That is so exciting about you finding that therapist who you really liked. I will pray that can work out. Makes such a huge difference having someone you have a connection with. Having a bad experience can really put you off therapy. When I went to a therapist last summer and she said she was not qualified to deal with such a complex case that was fair enough she was honest, and she was fairly new to it. But it made me feel like I was beyond saving and untreatable. Then in January I tried my current one who was advised by my p doc and it has been great. The last time I had regular therapy was in 2013 before January. My therapist is same in that she works NHS and then has a day and half outside of that. I had to wait a bit to get a look in but it was worth it. And she lives minutes from your house!! Brilliant man! I was so excited to read this!!

 

I had a bit of bad anxiety this evening when I was having just before my siesta, which was strange as haven't had anything like that for a long time. The day wasn't stressful so I just put it down to biology. It just shows how far I've come that what was quite a regular occurrence is now very out of the ordinary. I didn't panic, I was more bemused. But as we say it is all in the reaction and I feel I just took it in my stride. In fact forget to even mention it to my mum, which just shows how I just let it be. I'm more and more like that now, just leave it there and get on with stuff. Not avoiding it but just letting it be there. 

 

Man I'm still overwhelmed from last night!! Honestly reading your message I was just amazed! Seriously that was insane brother! From the outside that felt like a massive moment in your progression. I'm so sorry you had to go through that but at the same time the fact you did and came out the other side so positive and forward thinking about it just shows how strong you are. Man if you can handle that nothing is off limits. I was honestly shaken just myself reading what you had to face. When I saw the 5 clients I honestly was shaking my head for about 10 minutes!!! I was like 'WHAT!!!'. I had to go back a re read it!! I was like this can't be real LOL!!! That is bravery on another level brother, just WOW!! I feel so excited and confident for you and your future! As I said yesterday you are A GAINT OF COURAGE!!! I am literally in awe of you!! Also feel pretty emotional as well seeing such unbelievable depths of spirit and bravery! I want to express myself more but just out of words here LOL!!! Thank you so much brother for such incredible inspiration!!! 

 

Love you so much brother!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Busy forum day - but I welcome it. Keeps me busy and thinking of others. And not at all surprised you have been sleeping as frequently as you have. After all the stuff that you have done of late... you need it, and deserve it. Lovely that you are able to see things in the way you describe. I cannot wait until my morning are back like that. But that said, I have had 2 such mornings in the last 3 weeks, which is a rarity I can tell you. If every day were like that, I would consider myself cured! But one step at a time as you have rightly said.

 

I love that you used childhood as a metaphor as we have so much to learn from them in what we forget when we were that age. A rainbow is free!! Right on! I just loved those words - sounds like something you find on those pictures that people post on facebook!! I never buy stuff other than books and bit for my car. I simply do not have "stuff". Phone and laptop other than my books. I am not materialistic at all - only the car!! I intend on finding cross-dimensional transport to take that with me to Heaven!! LOL.

 

Just imagine that man... you going to your appointments by yourself on the tube! But please go careful. Maybe you could do a few with your mum and work up to it. Depends on how you feel after the sessions. I think I would be concerning myself with the journey home during the sessions and forfeit the good stuff from the appointment. But don't let me put words or ideas in your head. You do what you feel you can man.

 

Now... I also have something exciting to tell you. I did one of your "silent exposures". I didn't say because of pressure. But today was a surprise party for my mum as it is one of "those" birthdays. I was under no pressure to go, but I wanted to do it. 20-something people all jammed into one room. Some I knew, some strangers... but I did it man...! Had a few minutes outside looking in and composing myself, and then went in, grabbed a seat and got mingling. And I did that for 2 and a half hours. I couldn't eat as my stomach was still on breakfast time!! But I got chatting to this amazing girl that was the daughter of some friends of my mum. Total stranger to me, but we really hit it off and I couldn't believe I was sitting there with such an attractive young girl and feeling completely comfortable! 

 

Interesting about your moment of anxiety. It is good when you can be bemused about it - almost interested about why it is happening. It is key to letting it be I think. I have had this on occasions - just wish I could do the same with the depression moments. But all in time. But a good thing to note...

 

Thanks again for such encouraging words - they again helped this morning as I woke up still thinking about the whole discharging thing and feeling very alone and scared. But sometimes we just have to face the world and do what we can. We have both come so far in the last 2-3 months and there is no way I am letting either of us let go without a fight!!

 

Much love to you dear brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

WOW!!! Man that is amazing!!! A party! A room full of people!!! That is so awesome!! That is something I would love to get to! So proud of you brother!! You have really spurred me on here!! I would love to start meeting new people like you have today!! That is fantastic brother, and must have be so nice to meet a stranger and just get on really well!! But to be fair I'm not surprised, as depression makes us think we are so much less able than we are!! Just look at me on the tube and then you at the party!! I thought the tube was going to be horrific and spend a whole mentally focussing on coping mechanisms for the anxiety it would create, and then I didn't even have anxiety!!!! Sounds like it was similar today in that you just went in and it went great!! So excited brother and this really just shows how great you are progressing!!! That friday and then now this!! Man this is really exciting times!! I feel such a sense of momentum with you and positivity!! 

 

Seriously man 2 1/2 hours of a party environment!!! Just wow!! I'm getting anxious just thinking about it. I find large gatherings make me intensely anxious. Even before I got ill, a large room of people just scared me so much! I'm so buzzing for you man! Must be so great to bond with a stranger. I did have something a bit similar when I met my sister's ex (when she was with him) and we had so much in common and it felt so exciting to be talking someone who shares interests with you! Just felt surreal at the time! Your just smashing records here man!! I can't get that image of a busy room out of my mind! Makes me feel so uncomfortable LOL!! So excited about this man!! It's given me a real buzz!! Sounds a bit like when I went to my cousins but on a bigger scale. Chatting to 5 other people was big step up for me at the time and I enjoyed it so much! Amazing man, absolutely amazing!! 

 

So I haven't done much apart from just mainly sleep again. Last night I listened to music again, which was good and bad. Good because if I'm less sensitive to sound then it make things easier and less stressful for me. Bad because I got that restless feeling I mentioned to you just when I was about to some reading, so it meant I missed my reading last night - which I love just so much at the moment. Also meant it sort messed up my routine because I wasn't expecting it and went to bed at ridiculous time this morning!! It weird because I had this really nice routine that was working for me so well, and suddenly now I feel a bit confused. Obviously in the greater scheme of things and the long run being able to cope with music is going to be more practical but it would be nice to get to the point when I can choose to listen when I want rather have to listen when I get edgy. I really tried last night. I sat down with my book but just felt I couldn't focus and knew the feeling just too well from before. My brain was like a dog who wants to go on a walk. My brain was clearly saying to me 'I need some more stimulation just words on a page'. It has certainly disrupted my monastic flow LOL!! Also this morning I woke feeling so 'hungover' and with all these songs I heard last night stuck in head. Listen to music the night before always makes me wake up feeling really 'hungover' the next morning. Probably didn't help I was listen to punk LOL!! Talk about easing yourself in LOL! I didn't plan to but you what youtube is like with the suggestions on the side. 

 

It is interesting because I was watching this band going mental and playing so loud and thought to myself 'I bet these guys don't have to even think about mental health'. But then I watched an interview with them afterwards and the guy was talking about going to therapy and how not being open with his emotions had led to drink, drugs and violence. So it really showed me you just can't tell what going on in a person life from the outside! It's weird when you haven't listened to music for so long you sort just think where do I start? I obviously hadn't planned for this to come along, and I haven't been following the recent music scene because there was no point. As a teenager I massive into music and knew the scene so well. But know it like I don't even know what genre I like, so I don't where to start. 

 

Today I was feeling as I say 'hungover'. Sensitive, a bit headachey, my head sort of going really fast. No sense of calm in my mind, which I usually have. My brain just isn't used to music, so of course it's going to shock and take adjusting to for my brain. Wasn't clever listening for 3 hours as well! But I'm not going to be harsh on myself, I've moved past that stage in my life. I definitely could have handled last night better but it's a very unique and confusing situation and I tried my best. Ideally I need to move to sort of listening to 30 mins a night, rather than big bursts. But it not easy to structure and will take a lot of time to find ways to with my therapist to get a more healthy pattern. 

 

So it's a bit overwhelming with 3 tubes trips this week, 2 times on my own for the 1st time on my own since 2013. Then also listening to music properly twice this week for the first time since March. I mean that is a HUGE amount for my poor brain to try and process!!! It's difficult because I can feel a change in my brain has taken place in regards to the music, even tonight I feel sort of edgy and typing faster than usual. My brain has changed and now it is a learning process to adapt to this new capabilities. Ultimately it's good my brain is getting better but it is tough in real time to adjust and adapt. 

 

Yeah I'm not planning on going on my own just yet. Will do a few trips with my mum with me first for sure. Little steps. I always am trying to see things like a child. It's at the heart of what I am trying to achieve spiritually. Obviously not the tantrums and spilling food everywhere bit LOL! But just that awe and wonder and excitement about small things! As a child I used just play outside, I was a wild child. Every summer down in the countryside. Just being so in touch with nature. I wouldn't have wanted anything else. Just playing and climbing trees. When I was down in the country this summer I felt a bit of a deja vu feeling of being a child again, which was an amazing feeling. Jesus said it himself - 'become like children'.

 

Again awesome feat today!! Your on fire at the moment and it is beautiful and so exciting to see!! So inspired by you brother!! 

 

Love so much brother!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man... still buzzing from the Gail news. So calming to know that she is not suffering...

 

Absolutely shattered today - I didn't expect anything else really after all that has gone on. Didn't help that I was out and about for 5 1/2 hours again today. But thinking I wouldn't have got through this all before and for sure would have cancelled something. I am just letting things be as best I can and trying not to get too excited about how many good days I have had.

 

But there is one thing I wanted to see if you could relate to. A couple of mornings last week and again this morning, I am having this really strange set of symptoms. I can't label it as depression or stress or anxiety. I just feel insanely uncomfortable. I am a bit agitated, even my thoughts disturb me and there is nothing wrong with them. It is so hard to explain, but it feels biological. I can't really do anything either unless I really push myself. Everything seems like a mammoth effort - just getting to the bathroom. Nothing seems worth doing so all I can do is sit in one place and think my way out of it. Eventually it does go, but it can take a couple of hours and it is a horrible feeling. Rest of the day isn't nearly so bad. Never had it before, it is usually the usually stress, depression or anxiety. I am just so tired of all these strange things happening all the time. I am sure all the changes of meds has something to do with it.

 

So, I am quite weak today after exposure yesterday and a long day... and 30-something posts in the last 24 hours here on the forum! Need to be careful not to overdo it. Less busy according to diary tomorrow, so intend to take it easy and not take anything else on.

 

Had to laugh when I read that you were listening to punk!! Not because of the genre as I can appreciate so many different styles being a musician myself, but if it aggravates and stresses, it wouldn't have been my go-to style for a first playlist after so much time of not listening to it!! The hangover is interesting. It is almost like the music is taking more of a cognitive engagement - well in fact it would if it not used to it as it needs to understand what to do with the stimuli after not having it for so long - therefore it makes perfect sense from a neurological perspective.

 

And yes - there are so many people in the limelight and in bands that have these issues. I was so sad to hear about Keith Flint passing away due to suicide earlier this year. He seemed like such a happy go lucky kind of guy and full of energy. His stage presence was out of this world. Sure he had his fair share of substances that he took, but according to sources, this wasn't the reason for his mental health problems. You just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But look at the figures... 1 in 4 people in the UK have some sort of mental health problem of varying severity and 1 in 7 are on medication for it. And that is just those that are diagnosed. Because of the stigma attached, there are likely plenty more that keep it quiet. Horrific stats. But when you next walk down the road, just count 1.. 2.. 3.. and she/he has a mental health problem. Then again... it is shocking. I do that in the supermarket sometimes. Four people in the queue - one of them will be either depressed or anxious.. or both.

 

 Anyway - gotta make this a short one as head is still buzzing and needs a rest after last 48 hours. Also a bit worried about returning symptoms tomorrow, and hoping that some meditation and breathing exercise might go some way to helping.

 

Thanks again for Gail news - love you brother

 

God Bless  

[LDN]

Hey man yeah same about Gail it had me buzzing as well!! 

 

I feel in a bit of a rut at the moment. As I'm doing such intense exposures like the tube and then music it means the rest of the time all I'm doing is sleeping loads and waking up like 5 30. I need the rest for sure but as it's getting dark earlier, it doesn't give me much daylight. Because I'm resting I'm rubbish with my timings so end up going to bed later than I planned but have to get up late as need the sleep. Just feel very sloppy and all over the place. Considering how much all the exposures are taking out of me, it makes sense, but it still feels annoying. Sort of feeling a bit of waster if you like. It's ridiculous when I have been doing all these exposures. But I think this is what happens when you have really exciting big exposures - the rest days after feel so flat in comparison. To be honest it is the music that has taken much more out of me, than the tube I think. In terms of noticeable effects. The tube is more an emotional toil, that is more subconscious. Where as the music you really feel it the next day as this horrible hangover feeling. Yeah obviously the punk was not too clever but then as I say youtube has all these suggestions on the side and you lose track of what you are doing. Still at least after that other genres should be fine! It's weird as well as I keep getting songs I listened to stuck in my head. My brain just isn't used to this at all. But it's not stressing me and I'm reacting to it with detachment. 

 

This morning I felt better as I had a peaceful night last night with just reading. I really enjoyed my walk. Once of those moments when you just feel complete peace in the now. I wan't really thinking of anything just present and it felt great. Felt so comfortable in myself, as i was just walking around the house in my pyjamas. And yet I was out with traffic and all that. Those moments are so important to me. Those moments of deep peace. No worries just riding the wave. Feel so liberating. These moments show us a glimpse of where we are going. A little of glimpse of the peace of heaven. So I'm very thankful for that. I thought the other day that in my 'heaven moments' I feel utter peace and no worries like I said. But when things are bad it's not utter despair, there is some small hope. It's like the those 'best moments' show you where your going, give you that comfort of the peace to come. 

 

I'm sorry about this agitated feeling. I can definitely relate to it. Sometimes I feel as if just everything is uncomfortable and I feel sort of edgy. Not stressed but just really uncomfortable as you say. My skin feel uncomfortable and just generally I don't feel comfortable in my body. I think for me I just try and treat it like anxiety, even though it feel different. I just try and let it be there and not get drawn in emotionally. Just observe with curiosity. Like I said the other day about my anxiety, I'm more bemused than anything else. It is I am a doctor looking at myself as a patient. I try and step back and have that distance. So will say to myself 'well isn't this strange'. But stay sort of neutral over it. Don't label it as bad. Just sort of take a step back and just look at the symptoms. Look at it in a biological way, not as it having a deep meaning. Obviously it's difficult to detach ourself like that and it does take time. But I have found it helps a lot. The thing about being present is that it means when you feel good, you can really enjoy it. At the same time while it sounds weird, being present when your feeling bad can actually help as it is the running away from the feeling or thought that amplifies it. It makes it into something big. So being present with it might not feel great but it stops you from panicking and inflaming the situation by trying to escape it if that makes sense. By just letting sensations be there it reduces the psychological associations with such sensations. It's the psychological associations with feeling a certain way that make us feel the worst, not the sensations themselves. So for people like you and me with our history of the drugs we are going to get once in a while these strange experiences that aren't too nice, but we can make them much more tolerable by just letting the biology do it thing. If something is out of our control, the best thing is just to let it be there. Fighting it just won't make it better, but in fact just makes it worse. So it is in our self interest to not fighting these things, but just stepping back and letting it be. Our natural reaction is to fight, because of fight or flight. But Buddhist techniques have shown a very successful way to not be controlled by our fight or flight. I hope that makes some sense but I would be happy to discuss in more detail whenever. 

 

Man that is insane again that you did another 5 1/2 hours today!! Of course you will be feeling knackered! Really look after yourself and make sure you get the rest you need! It's fantastic you help so many people, but you have to look after yourself as well. Part of getting better is having those rests as we slowly step by step build up what we can do. So please really give your brain some space. Give yourself just a bit of time just to take in what you have done. So I just want to say from my perspective feel no pressure to post man. If you need a few days off then great, no problem. You and me have got to go very gradual and slowly build ourselves up. That is the way to do it. Our brain really need time to take in the changes and adjust. Taking it easy tomorrow sounds a great plan to me. It's tough for us but it's so important to pace ourselves!

 

Look after yourself brother!! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Evening brother...

 

I am afraid it will be another short one. Today has been really bad. I had that strange feeling again as soon as I woke and it was so much worse this time. I wrote notes as soon as I woke so I could explain. The thing was that there was nothing I could do to get rid of it. No positive thoughts, no meditation, no breathing - nothing. It is not anxiety, nor depression, just a heavy feeling that cannot be lifted. I was getting tired of it resetting every morning after having great days, but this feeling kept coming back. It was annoying at first, but then got worse until this morning is was unbearable. I simply do not understand what is happening. Before today I could shake it off in a couple of hours and get on with the day, but it really hit this morning. No doubt because of the MH meeting on Friday, then the party on Sunday, then a really busy day yesterday. I dragged myself out to see 2 clients today, but I got back home and was in a state of fear and had to get some valium down. I have settled a bit now, but I am so scared of what awaits me in the morning. I just can't do anything in this state.

 

Do you think I have simply overdone it? I might have also been putting pressure on myself after 19 good days straight. I thought I had it cracked, but no. Maybe I will wake tomorrow and be ok, I don't know, but one thing I do know is that I cannot cope with another day like today. I felt suicidal when I got back from the clients. I shouldn't have gone, but was worried about money etc. It is like I just cannot cope with it all.

 

Sorry to be one-sided, but I need to stop now as I can already feel my heart rate increase and head-spinning as I recap the day. Not sure what to do that will help relax now, but I need to do something. Would really appreciate your help brother - in quite a bad way...

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi brother really sorry to hear about your day. Firstly I would say I have been where you are. Remember when I got suicidal as my time at the country came to an end? The last night was horrific and I was in huge pain. That was after such a good spell of 3 months without depression. I was massively freaked out but I overcame it. Because you have been doing so well what you are facing is going to hit you harder, because you are not used to it. That is one of the downsides of having good progress, when a bad patch does come it feels so much worse. I think you have had a huge amount on your plate - Friday was in my eyes an unbelievable moment - to have the mental health meeting, then your sister and then 5 clients and then a shop!! That was a crazy day. Then you had another massive exposure on Sunday - only one day off since Friday. Then yesterday you had a very busy day of work. This was going to build up and do thinks it's normal you would feel a dip. Obviously I'm really sorry it has been such a bad dip, but from my experience this part of the recovery process. I have said before it is never a straight line. There are always up and downs. That is just the nature of this type of recovery. My p doc is always telling me 'don't be surprised if you have a dip, that would be normal'. She makes it very clear that it's going to be bumpy and not to let that get me down. Often for me I just have a random dip, just a biological thing. But in your case it's does seem that you had a crazy few days, in particular Friday, which I told you at the time I think would have broken most people, including me. Your brain has had a massive amount to take in and adjust to and it could well be it just needs a rest and your symptoms are a manifestation of that. 

 

I also know when things go well you worry about whether you can keep it up, which would also have caused stress. It is completely natural and normal to want to keep up a good run of days, and I can say I really struggled hugely with stressing over whether I could keep my good days up. But I have had 8 years of this and have learned that it's simply not in my self interest to worry about what's ahead. I accept that bad days are going to happen. But worrying about it you are just giving yourself more stress and it's not going to stop the bad days from coming. Of course it's in our nature to worry and it took me years to learn what a waste it was of energy. I can tell you brother I was a obsessive worrier, seriously bad. But as I say over all these years I just eventually realised that worry achieves absolutely nothing, except make things worse. So like your worry about the morning, that is so understandable. But thinking ahead till the next morning won't make any difference to how it goes, except maybe just add to your stress. It is not in your self interest to think ahead to the morning, as it is out of your control. This why I always try and be present. Just live in the now. Of course this is so hard and goes completely against our instincts. But through practice you can get there. I still go get nervous the night before things or worried but I try and just let it be. Invite it in but not become the worry. Don't get into the spiral of worrying thoughts just let the nerves be there. 

 

Obviously I have 8 years so I have way more time at adjust than you. But I can promise you from my experience what you describing is normal and very much part of how these things work. It must be so difficult for you right now man but it won't last. Your brain has so much to take in. It's just about getting through these days. The more experience you have of them, the easier it will get. But I was in your exact position back in September it is so horrible. You could see from the outside then that is was a reaction to leaving the country and I can see now from the outside that you have had a massively intense few days and some sort of dip is to expected. 

 

I think man it's just to get through this. Just keep things really simple. Like I said before plan to get through an hour and then the next hour. Just look really short term. I am here at all times for you brother, as you know. 

 

From the outside I can see you put a lot of pressure on yourself. I recognise this because I was exactly the same. But it really does lead to tension and stress. Your good days you have had happened and you can't take them away. So nothing can change that. You dealt amazingly with Friday and then you dealt amazingly again on Sunday. That can't be taken away from you. As you have suffered from stress, the added pressure you put on yourself will just add to this. I really feel for you man so much since I was plagued by the exact situation you face so many times. Huge pressure on myself and unable to deal with the ups and downs. But the good news is that with practice you can make huge changes and let go of the pressure. If I can do it you can. Your putting pressure on yourself for things you can't control. That is using up energy and increasing stress but with purpose. With time I have learnt acceptance over what I can't control. That is what is my own self interest. It means I don't waste energy and don't increase my stress levels. You have made so many really great strides brother and this is all part of your journey. I have seen first hand you really change how you approach things and how you react to adversity. You doing so well. But I have been in your position and man it is rough. Especially when it is new symptoms, like you are having. But you have to look at the bigger picture and place this bad day in it's context. It is one bad day in a long time. Even my sister who has never seen a psychiatrist in her life, but has anxiety tells me she gets random bad days. She has days when all she wants to do is cry and be alone. With you and me it is exaggerated, but it happens to so many people. When I get down when I have a dip my sister will always be like 'oh that is so normal. I always have that' and that is coming from someone who lives a complete normal life. It always helps me put things in context, when she seems so unfazed by it, as if I'm saying I have a bad throat. Same with my parents they have seen me have so many dips over the years, if I'm a bit down they always remind me that this has happened so many times before and is part of the recovery process. 

 

So stick in there man! You have been a true inspiration to me over the last few days with your insane exploits!! Even now I'm still sort of trying to get my head around how you did 5 clients and shopping on top of everything else and a 9 am start on Friday!! Seriously man what you are doing is absolutely incredible! You had Friday, the party for your mum on Sunday, your car brakes you fitted on Thursday I think! Your friend on Saturday. You have been on a crazy run, plus you told me you have been doing a lot of posting on the forum recently as well. You definitely have been all out these last few days! All those good days show you what is to come, but it's a gradual process. You are not defined by this bad day. 19 good straight days is amazing and 1 bad day amongst that is a great ratio! Hold on to those good memories you have made for yourself. 

 

I had the specialist today and he suggested a endoscopy and a colonoscopy. So I have 24 hour fast to come and lots of laxatives!! Great!! Plus they will sedate me and he told me I will feel like I've had 12 gin and tonics!! Their also going to do a biopsy to see the exact extent of the h pylori and celiac. But I don't have to stay the night, like last time I had something similar. So it's going to be a pretty tiring few days ahead, with a 24 hour fast and then all these procedures. It will be worth it though, as we will find out so much. As I am so weak anyway a 24 hour fast is going to horrible, I will be so weak, but it's something I need to do. 

 

So I am super super proud of you brother! You are making amazing progress! You will get through this man!! And you know where I am!! We are in this together and will come through this! Always, always here for you brother!! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

Thanks for that great message this morning. I had even forgotten about the work I did on the car. I had so much going on last week - it is hardly surprising. But I have found out what it was/is that I could describe. It is your mental claustrophobia again. This is why I cannot do anything. First thing in the morning I just want to get out of my head and I can't. Anything it wants to think about causes stress. I just want my head to stop thinking - it is the only thing that will stop it. I did some breathing as soon as I woke thinking "in" and "out" just like the Buddhist method. It did work a little, but because I was half way between sleep and awake, I would forget after a few counts and then the thoughts would come back. 

 

I still managed my three clients today - goodness know how, but the feeling there was that I just needed to finish the task as soon as possible. I wanted to move, go somewhere... but where? My head follows me everywhere! At home, at work... the mental claustrophobia never leaves!! Am I right?

 

So is there anything that you do to help this? The reason I went to work is because I thought there is nothing I can do - and it is just as bad at home as it is at work. I feel something is going to happen, but I don't know what it is... like I am going to go crazy or something. But what to do about it? Valium doesn't work. My special K DOES work, but I cannot take that all day, I'll end up off my face with my clients or fall asleep on them!!

 

However, today has been a bit better, so I hope that tomorrow is a further improvement. We will see. But all the advice that you gave this morning really did help, and a recap of everything I did bought some much needed perspective. It also really helped to label it, so I know I HAVE been here before and it has gone. It is nothing new, it just took some time to figure out what it was.

 

So you are having a complete viewing of your GI... that should sort things. They will need to sedate you so that you don't move during the procedure as a slight move here or there and things could be worse. Far far better to be out of it. Plus if there is any polyp or similar they will most likely remove it there and then while you are out as they don't like doing those things twice due to the cost. The operation itself take minutes, but if you have the means to get home then that should be fine. I shouldn't worry about how you will feel afterwards. My best guess is that you will sleep it off. No harm in that. I don't envy you for the 24 hour fast though. That'll be for the colonoscopy. Did they say they would undertake both at the same time? Any idea when this is likely to be?

 

There is always something going on isn't there! It is like I said on the forum somewhere a while back. Life for us is like a game of whack-a-mole. Don't know if you remember that from the seafront arcades where you use a soft hammer to hit the moles when they jump out the holes. Then as soon as you kit one, another comes up and so on and so on. Such as our lives! No sooner have we fixed one thing, another one... or two if we are unlucky.. pop up and get us again...! Anyway - we carry on as best we can. Time for a rest again now.

 

Much love to you my dear brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi brother my head is a bit all over the shop at the moment but I will try my best to form some sentences LOL!! I had a big sleep and then straight when I woke up my mum was telling me what the times for all the GI stuff. She had to ask me before they left so she could call back, but i just couldn't deal with it. I have slept for 9 hours 20 minutes and then straight away all this information. I was expecting Friday this week but the nurse suggested the doctor she thinks is best can do me on Tuesday. I was really hoping to have it done this week and just get it out of the way. Also I was possibly going to go down to country in half term next week, so that is another reason I wanted it Friday. I then had a massive panic attack. I wanted to scream my head off. The time on Tuesday is very early for me as well. I was trying so hard, with everything in my body to resist this all conquering and over powering stress. I was on the verge of completely loosing it. Yesterday the specialist was a really nice guy but was running 50 minutes late and then after we had to walk to the hospital and then to endoscopy department to see if they had the laxatives for me. When we got to the endoscopy department no one was there! There was a lot to take in and it always stressful seeing doctors since my illness is so controversial in this country. It's a huge emotional baggage being told my whole life is a fake, which is the NHS position. I only really like dealing with my specialist for that reason. Plus I had NHS tonight! The local NHS said I needed to see a local GP for a review of my medications. So we booked it 6 weeks ago as that was all they had! Plus it was at 6 50, as well! 6 weeks waiting list and then at 6 50! If you remember that really bad journey I had to my ME doctor that was when I got really wound up over waiting 6 weeks and having it at such a bad time for me! 

 

So with all this in mind and having just woken up to hear that the nurse was really suggesting Tuesday as she said it was the best doctor and this meaning I couldn't go on Friday just pushed me over the edge. My dad had taken time of work and this just completely messed everything up! I was just so close to going mental. I was just in such incredible stress. Then my mum tried to call back and the nurse had gone. Yesterday they had told me it would be this week. I let out a little frustration but miniscule compared to what I felt. I just could barely think, the stress just completely took over me. It sounds such stupid stuff to have a break down over but I've had more changes to my routine recently than for months. I was just so hoping I could be Friday and then I could go down to the country next week. I had all these thoughts going mental and my skin felt like it was going to burst with stress. I have dealt well with all these stomach problems but I the stress finally got to me. My dad is having a colonoscopy and is having to take a day off work because of the fast, so imagine what it's like for me already seriously ill. I have a colonoscopy, endoscopy and biopsy all in one day and then seeing the specialist afterwards! Normally I only go out for a few hours at a time! 

 

Anyway for whatever reason I had this huge huge stress, that I was just about keeping under control. I got a bit frustrated and then of course I got annoyed with myself for giving in to the stress!! So that just made me more stressed! I was putting too much pressure on myself and when I let out a little frustration to my mum, then I was like 'oh I have failed this test!'. This just made me so annoyed with myself! Looking back I did great but because I normally am completely calm, i felt disappointed. Anyway next thing I knew I had to go to the NHS! In that state!! It was going to be a massive exposure going out at that time anyway and I had to do with my head all over the place! Normally I am finishing my sauna and then into the shower at that time, so it is a very calm part of the day. I never go out then. My dropped me off and as I was waiting outside I was feeling so bad. But when back into my tool box and just told myself 'I am spiritual being having a human experience', 'this is just like a dream', 'just ride the waves', 'be one with everything'. This calmed me but it still felt super weird to be out at a time I haven't for years. The doctor then went fine, basically asked no questions and just said you want to carry on this medications and I said yes and he said fine! It was pure bureaucracy, nothing else. He weighed me and blood pressure (which felt MASSIVE but apparently was fine LOL!) and then within 5 minutes I was out. Then I walked home on my own. My mum offered to wait outside, but I thought it would be a good exposure to walk home at a different time to usual. Took me 15 minutes but I dealt with it really well and actually enjoyed it. It think I was really pleased that I was calm with the doctor and didn't have a panic attack with him, so that positivity probably helped my stress. I had been very uncomfortable about that time and as I say when I first heard about it it really stressed me, so to come through it felt a real achievement! So 2 big exposures the doctor at such a different time and then walking back in the evening which again was completely new to me. I can't lie I have been particularly freaked out about walking at night. I guess because I never go out at night, not for years. Not anything to do with safety but more just i never go out then. Then once home I was fine, as the 2 exposures made up for my disappointment with my reaction to the stress at waking up! Looking back though I think I dealt with the stress well and also I was able to bring in the self compassion. 

 

So sorry for all that but thankfully what could have been a horror day, managed to turn out well. But that stress I felt at waking up still has me shaken. It was absolutely massive stress, that I very rarely have. Even now I am bit shakey and feel overwhelmed and knackered. I feel like wanting to cry and just fall in a heap on the floor. Nothing is bothering me but it is just after shock from the stress, that was seriously something else man!!

 

So I'm pleased you have worked out what it is. Fantastic you managed to get in 3 clients as well!! Massive well done man!! I pleased the day was a bit better as well! I think that is the direction things will take now. I think with the mental claustrophobia the best thing is not to fight it. What I always say, so sorry LOL! But think of physical claustrophobia, fighting it is the worst thing you can do. You have to just be present and let it be. You have seen before it will pass. So it's about just having that acceptance of the situation and just letting things do things themselves. I know I always say the same thing but it's what's worked for me. Just being present and just seeing the bigger picture. What I told myself today, 'I am having a human experience', that is all it is. Suddenly it diffused the situation. I was thinking to myself when I was waiting outside the GP, a few years ago I would not be able to handle this situation. I would have had a full on panic attack and it would have been hugely traumatising. Also I would not have been able to deal with the stress at all and would have ended it up in horrific state. What is the difference now? 2 things - 1. That I try and be present, let it be, float, stand back and just observe my emotions but don't indulge and engage with them. 2. Seeing the bigger picture, seeing this as like a dream, realising I am safe and what ever happens I have a lovely home waiting for me. I have a reason to be here and there is a plan to all this. At my core I am spirit and so what happens with my flesh and on earth doesn't change the fact that I am spirit. I will do my best in my shell, but it is simply a shell not the ultimate me. Like the car analogy. My shell is like a pretty doggy second hand car, so things will be more bumpy that for most. But I am not my car, it is simply a vehicle of travel. My shell is my vehicle of travel for my spirit on this earth state, but it is not me. 

 

Sorry for always repeating myself brother, but it has worked for me a lot and I have found repetition helps drill it into your thinking. It's like touch typing, learning it is tedious but once you have learned it, it was worth it because you have picked up a valuable skill. My brain is dying on me here brother and I am still a bit shakey like I said. My plan had a big challenge for me today. I think that was right up there as the toughest challenges I have had of late. Certainly the most satisfied I have felt of late. I have done some good work recently but today felt a really big step. 

 

Really hope tomorrow continues to pick up. Sorry for having my head a bit all over the place. Hope I made some sense LOL!! I will be praying for you brother! I was really thinking of you today! I'm always here for you!! Always know that! You are doing so great, and inspiring me so much! I really hope you can see how well you are doing! Thanks for everything brother!! 

 

Love you so much!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

That took some reading this morning, but don't worry about your language, it made perfect sense to me. All of that info first thing when you wake is never going to go down well. I had the picture in my head and really felt for you in that moment. A week down in the country would have been great and such a shame that this has turned against your favour. The amount of stuff that you are going through at the moment is huge and I feel we have hit a similar point. I don't want you to get too far gone with all this stuff - and to be honest for you to have got this far with out loosing it is incredible. Sure a panic attack when you woke, but that is a drop in the ocean compared to what some would have reacted. 

 

The stress must be insurmountable after all the build up. I would have been holding on to it all being done and dusted by the end of the week just like you, and then to have it all moved like that... Similar to what has been keeping me going with the Mental Health team in that they promised therapy at the end of all these 9am meetings and it was all for nothing... so yes, I cracked, just like it sounded like it did for you. My poor brother. I feel for you so much. Pushed and pulled through the system for so long. The least you deserve is a bit of accuracy in treatments so you can organise your life to cope with the stress. So, this is all in place for Tuesday now? For sure??

 

You really should feel bad for giving into the stress. Everyone has their limit man - and bottling in can often make it worse. The timing as well - yes of course that will have thrown you off. I know how important your routine is to you, and getting this out of place will of course impact. Now you see, this is where you say to me to let this stuff be! But I know, there comes a point where it is just too much to let be all at once! Exactly where I am at the moment. In perfect uniformity, we are following similar paths as always!

 

My day started tough again. Not mental claustrophobia, but I had a very vivid dream about something quite nasty in the past which made me really low. I then started feeling very very weak and wondered how I was going to get through the day. I had to get up and take the wife to her therapy, and I had a client at the same time. When I was walking to the car after breakfast I simply couldn't think why I was actually doing what I was. I was sure I would not manage my day. After the client and collecting the wife, I had 45 minutes to rest, but my phone lit up like the blackpool tower and I just couldn't take it. But I still got on with work - two more clients and a 20 minute shopping trip. I took a valium before the second client and this managed to see me through and I felt ok after that booster, but I am still dreading these mornings. I just need them to ease up. So emotionally draining. 

 

I can't believe you opted to walk home after all that - surely you must have felt the same as me going to my first client. We have to keep going, but it is so very tough. I know we will come out the other side, but of course we never know when that will be, so we make it worse for ourselves! But that is the very fate of those suffering from mental health. If we knew better we wouldn't be in this sh*t we are in now!!! LOL

 

Anyway - had my bath and going to relax for a bit with a book. Got a good hour of meditation in last night too which felt really good, so will find the time to do the same this evening. Prayers continue for you for all that continued bravery.

 

Much love brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man I apologise for such a long message last night! I had a lot going through my head, as you saw LOL!! Thanks for such kind words! That really means a lot. So nice to see you completely GET IT! Your completely on my wavelength and that is so nice to have! I knew you would understand, so again thanks for listening man! Sorry for such a long monologue LOL! 

 

They way I see it is it's all part of my growth. 6 months back I would completely crashed, so it shows how far I have come. There is still work to do on my reactions and letting it be, but it is so much better than it was! That is the main takeaway for me! I could stress so close to taking over me waiting outside the doctor but it didn't, I managed to step back and use my tools. So under the most intense pressure I managed to come through it, so I'm really pleased about that. To be honest I look back on yesterday as a really good breakthrough for me, another step on this long process of healing. 

 

I'm really sorry about your day. But again huge congratulations for coming through it and seeing the clients! Also talking your wife to and back from therapy plus shopping! That ranks as another really impressive day! I'm really proud of you man, and trust me the bravery you are showing is awesome!! I know how tough it is, but this bravery will pay off in the long term brother! I know how a nasty dream can really knock me, especially if it is really vivid. I'm so sorry for you having to go through that. So tough for you to wake up to something like that. But thankfully I know you have some really nice dreams, like the one of your granddad. 

 

I really feel what you mean about why are you doing what you are. I'm feeling deep apathy at the moment. Apart from meditation and reading nothing really brings me much pleasure. Just feel so flat and everything feels so tedious! Just a lot of effort and I'm thinking to myself 'I can't be bothered'. I think partly because of me upping the ante of my recent exposures that sort sets the bar of what excites me, but obviously I'm so physically weak I can't do it regularly so the time resting is just quite flat. I was really physically weak today on my walk. Had to walk slow and people overtaking me and then next thing I know they are speck in the distance!!! That made me feel pretty bad but then I just told myself my shell is just a vehicle to get from A to B. I am not my shell. The more and more I think on these terms and transcendent my physical body, the easier it will be for me. I could feel today the realisation on the walk this is my shell, not me, and it helped a lot. Meditating helps hugely in this regard. So just got to keep working on the meditation and mindfulness and spiritual reading! My shell is a tool, just a tool for me to use to the best of my abilities on this spell on the earthly realm. 

 

Yeah so I got everything on Tuesday, will be a massive massive exposure to be honest. I normally go out for an hour session, but this time I got to be at the hospital at 12 and then I don't see my specialist till 5 15!! So I will be out the whole day!! I mean to get it all sorted in one day is good, but would have preferred to get the operations done Friday or Monday and then gone home to rest, rather than having to hang around and do a mammoth day!! But then the nurse said the doctor she normally works with is only free on Tuesday and the doctor who could have done it on Monday was a new one. If anything went wrong I would be kicking myself for not taking the nurses advice - do you know what I mean?? I would much prefer to have it on Monday and then come in again on Tuesday, plus Monday the operations would have been at 3 not 12!! But then it's a new guy, versus someone who is experienced and recommended! The fact I'm having a biopsy as well! Me and my mum just felt we should be safe and go with the doctor who was suggested to be safe. But it's such a tough decision and giving me massive stress thinking of that day ahead! Plus I will go into it knackered having fasted! Oh man you can see why it got me so worked up yesterday!! LOL! Thinking about I'm not happy at all about it, but then I really need these tests I can't just leave it! Hopefully I can find somewhere to read I guess. 

 

Really was pleased to see you get an hour of meditation in! That's brilliant! I'm so happy you enjoy it like I do!! An hour is a very very good length! Buzzing to hear that man! Most people just couldn't meditate for that long! That is seriously impressive!! 

 

Remember I am always here for you man! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Sorry - it is going to be another short one. I really have had enough of this week. I woke up in the same state again, and it just won't leave me alone. It is worse than depression or anxiety because at least these go away in time - this just won't leave me. It is like restless leg syndrome, but instead of my leg it is my brain. I wake up and just any random thoughts come into my head and I find myself just wanting to switch my brain off. The thoughts are perfectly normal... random... but nothing dark.. nothing about how I will get on with the day.. just thoughts. My cat, a sandwich, an old friend, my old school - but why does this stress me out. It is as if the very act of thinking is stressful. I just don't understand it. On top of that I am still really tired even after 7 hours of sleep, so I cannot get up or read a book as I can barely keep my eyes open. I really don't know what is wrong. I am scared and have no idea what to do. I can just hope that it will stop after a while. I am also really tense and agitated still. Valium still does nothing. I just have to sit in bed half awake and be tortured by whatever this is. I feel I am going crazy for the first couple of hours in the day.

 

I managed work - three clients - and oddly enough it wasn't stressful at all. Nothing like yesterday. So something is changing in my brain to adapt, so I am seeing that as a good thing. Will report back tomorrow.

 

I am glad you went with the more experienced doctor - as I said to you before about the upper GI procedure, the slightest slip and there could be more severe issues. You need someone who knows what they are doing. I tell you, the rise of the machines for this can't come soon enough as this would eradicate any such risks. I hope you can find some way to rest over the weekend to get your energy levels ups ready for the fast. I know you will be fine on Tuesday - it at least gets it all done at once as difficult as that will be. I just hope there isn't any delays or miss-ups in the process of it all. That will be the last thing we want. Just keep thinking of all the benefits of the procedures - they will have a full working knowledge of everything that is going on and will be able to correctly diagnose what is going on and fix you accordingly. Unlike our brains, these things are far better understood and can be fixed more readily... Let that be your focus for the next few days man...

 

Sorry again for the smaller message, but brain is only doing small bursts at the moment...

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless