Hey man, this won't be easy. I don't really want to write this to be honest, but I can't lie to you. Horror day. Depression just unbearable. 8 1/2 years of trauma and turmoil and pain is one hell of a heavy load. My whole youth destroyed. And no end in sight. I have clinical extreme depression. But even if I didn't anybody would struggle with 8 1/2 years of pain. I know I sound sorry for myself and I apologise for that. But the truth is right now I DO feel so sorry for myself. I know that is not what I preach and again I apologise. I am only human.
Went to see my replacement p doc right in the centre of the city. First time for over 6 weeks, 40 minute session, barely even started and then the session is over and you feel so so alone. Then driving home was agony, as it often is. Centre of the city. Sun is out. Everybody having fun. All the tourists. Everybody talking photos. And I look from beyond my window, knowing that world is cut off to me. I associate the centre of London with going out with friends or family, yet all I have gone there for the last 8 years is doctors. My p doc was nice, very nice, but he said I am not a normal case of depression in the slightest, I am a massive 'outlier' due to my Lyme disease. This is completely true and I am happy he acknowledges that, but it still hurts to be reminded. Got home felt desolate. I feel intensely intensely alone, abandoned and unloved. I want to make clear that this is my depression, not a reflection on the amazing support from you and Gail and the rest on here.
But you know when you are so depressed, it will pick up on anything. Little things here and there have really triggered me recently, making me feel a total outcast. Maybe I will PM about them.
When I get a hint of depression then BAM these same thoughts over and over again. I am so ill. I am so weak. I am so fragile. I can't do anything. I am so disabled. I am an outcast. I am unloved. I am not valued in this world of health and success and money.
I am a prisoner in my sick body and head. I am prisoner in my house. I can't get a job. I am not self sufficient. My self esteem just collapsed today.
I know in my heart I have some worth to this world, I know Jesus loved the sick, poor and weak. But i feel this world doesn't really reflect those values. But of course a lot of that is projection on my behalf. My doctors are lovely. All of them. My close family and extended family are so so supportive. I have you. Gail and the rest of the forum.
But acute clinical depression is a severe severe illness and add in being so weak with Lyme and it is a heavy load. I am proud to carry that load for God, but sometimes like today it gets too much and I have to get these things off my chest.
I found out that the shepherds that were called to Jesus's birth was a very significant act. Apparently the shepherds at the time were absolute outcasts from society. The lowest of the low. Never invited to anything. Just lived completely on their own. And yet it was them who God invited to witness the birth of Jesus!! How breathtakingly beautiful is that?
I love Jesus so much and I just want to make him happy!
'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven' - Thank you Jesus!
Sorry about your weekend brother. I hope you can keep calm throughout it. Hopefully next one can be nice and restful and maybe next week not too intense! Still I am so so proud of you! I feel so bad to write what I have tonight! I'm sorry! But you inspire me! SO much! Thank you so much brother!
Going to a cat cafe is such a beautiful idea! I can't lie I was thinking of mine today and boy did it hurt. You can't discount how much that have been stressing me unconsciously I think. In the middle of a withdrawal as well.
Again huge apologises. Will you see you friend tomorrow?
I will be praying.
So much love brother!