That was a tough one reading that. I had this picture of you all alone in your home, and for me this is a very lonely place. I can't stand being alone for any length of time. I am fine for about an hour or so, but any more than that and it gets bad. I know you do better with this, but I couldn't help thinking you must be feeling lonely. And what a brave effort to get yourself to the shops. Forget that it was only 20 minutes. To have done this when you are one your own is a MAMMOTH task. I would be just like you. You do because it has to be done, but it would be difficult. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew I wouldn't be alone for the whole weekend, so how you do that I do not know. From my perspective, that is immense bravery. Truly well done man. No joke, not saying what you want to hear, this is impressive.
There was no noise this morning at all, but I still woke around 9am. Fortunately, I got straight back to sleep and woke around 1pm which gave me 9 hours total sleep. The only downside was I then got the old "you are wasting the day away" routine going through my mind. It was no good telling myself that I had chosen to have the day off and that I needed it, I was getting cabin fever onset quite quickly. I was holding it at bay for some time, and it wasn't until around 7pm that the flatness started turning a little to depression.
Only lasted an hour and wasn't too bad. I just kept telling myself that this was bound to happen after all this week has thrown at me, and that I am lucky I didn't wake up in a worse state than I did. I am still very much better than I was, but still recovering. Over 4 months now, and a few little setbacks here and there that I need to learn from. And the biggest lesson is not letting yourself get scared or taken over by these things. But they can so easily and quickly get out of hand. It is tough for sure.
I had a couple of those "shock" moment - you know the ones we spoke of some time ago where you have that pit of the stomach feeling for about a split second when you have a thought like "this is it, it has come back again, I will never recover". It is like you believe the thought whole-heartedly and the world has ended for that second. But you have to snap yourself out of it, but I never knew that one second could be so scary!
So what bought on the going out of the front twice? Just a challenge? Or an urge? Is it something you would like to keep going? I would imagine once the evenings get lighter it will be nice. And another amazing feat. If nothing else, this is putting another spoke in the routine which means a bit of juggling which can cause stress and anxiety - so bask in the victory but take it slow.
Keep the poetry as it is until you are absolutely sure you can do more again. You know it isn't right because you will open it on your laptop and you will have that sinking feeling before you have even got there - walk away. Wait as long as it needs. I have to do this with my work. I open up a project and I have that feeling. It is such a battle to want to stare it in the face and get on with it, but then knowing you are just not ready and it will do you more harm and you need to walk away. Seems like you are admitting defeat, but we aren't. We are doing the bravest thing.
Right, I need to do some meditation and escape this goldfish bowl syndrome I have got myself into... Look forward to hearing from you.
Love you so very much brother