2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Thank you Gailage....

 

Relaxation is often forgotten and it takes many things in different disguises to distract us and lead us to forget that we cannot push ourselves too far before we become ill. We forget that our bodies catch up with something we have done maybe 3 or 4 days ago and we wonder why we are feeling so bad. Our bodies do not forget what we put them thru...

 

We always need to be thinking about how many spoons we use...

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Evening brother.

 

Really sorry to hear of the depression hitting you. I prayed that it would go just like it hit - out of the blue. Just like you have said to me in the past. It can go just as quick as it came. But I can see it is taking you for all you have. Hitting you where it hurts - the years of illness. That is your weak spot, and will be til that day you overcome it in its fullness. And trust me when I say that day will come. One day you will suddenly realise that you have stopped fighting. What was there has disappeared. You didn't even realise it. You are free.

 

I am with you in spirit as best I can be brother. I have relaxed as much as I could today. I am ashamed that I had "words" with the neighbour you start with a bandsaw at 9am this morning. I saw red. It was like this emotional animal picked me up by the neck and dragged me out of bed and downstairs to confront this guy. It was made worse by the fact that he showed no remorse. I told him that it was not exactly clever to move into a building and start making this sort of noise for over a month. He pointed out that he has split from his marriage, to which I explained all the more need to start making friends rather than pissing people off. I left it with him to give me 24 hours of any pending noise.

 

God help him if he doesn't.

 

4 hours sleep for 6 days straight does some nasty things to people. This is why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It can drive people to the brink of insanity even when you are not mentally ill, but being mentally ill myself, I was already half way to that point of breaking. This neighbour tipped me to the edge. I am on that edge, and that was his warning. If I get called up by the law because of it, I will be protected under the mental health act so it doesn't bother me. At least in jail I will not have anyone making any building works...

 

I am very glad to hear that you Mum's results have come through well. Still not a great help not knowing what caused the issues in the first place. Let's just pray it doesn't re-occur. 

 

Just a quick anecdote for you. One of my long-standing clients had surgery last week for removal of growth on a lymph node right at the top of the leg where it meets the torso. One slight slip of the knife and that could be it. But as scary as that was, that wasn't the worst... like anything could be worse. Yet - there was. Before the surgery, they put these towels things around the area and they are fixed to the skin with this super sticky 1 inch thick tape. He was awake when they had to remove this stuff. One strip right across the stomach ripped off... then the top of the leg. So painful as he tells me. The third however... super strong 1 inch tape stuck right over his... gentlemans area. The surgeon gave that a tug... and the pain, so I am told, was like nothing on earth!! Poor chap...!

 

On that note, I will hope that you have improved and that you can see some humour from the above. For me, once the confrontation was over, I went back to bed and the noise stopped, so I managed another 3 hours sleep. I woke feeling very groggy and hydrated as I usually wake and drink a fair bit. Still, I went to my weekend friend and was fine. Back to do more recording for my studies and still ok. Very little weakness, so I am hopeful that something is improving. Bit flat emotionally, but that has to be expected. Compete day off tomorrow, and no noise expected. I am anticipating some more recovery. Time will tell.

 

Look forward to hearing from you brother.

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Was another very tough one today but don't want to go over it! I have messed up my timings so will have to fill you in more tomorrow! But basically just really nasty depression all day. Making me feel very nervous. The trauma of withdrawal together with the depression is a horrible combination. Plus I feel run down from all this poetry stuff! 

 

But I did managed to go to the pharmacy and then a short shop at Sainsbury's. My family are all away, so I needed some stuff. About 20 minutes out. Was so so scared but I did it. Then about 50 minutes in the garden. Oh man I was so anxious before I got in the garden, feeling absolutely wretched. Then when I came in felt so much stronger and better. I have never experienced a better treatment for anxiety and stress than garden meditation. Just refreshes you. Clears your head. Give you space. Spiritually sharpens you. Centres you. Brings you back to God. Brings you back to the bigger picture. 

 

Also I forget to say that on Friday I went out the front twice. One short walk in afternoon and another in the evening. First time I have done that - 2 times out the front in a day! Both were short but still a good exposure. Also it was spontaneous, I didn't plan it. I just felt like some fresh air that evening and thought I would just go for it! 

 

So yeah today was very tough at times - the combination of the trauma and the depression. If it is just depression it is much easier. But you know how traumatised I am about withdrawal. So it throws a spanner in the works of my usual coping mechanisms. 

 

Happy you saw your friend and got some work done!! Fantastic and I really hope tomorrow is a restful day for you! I have been praying and will continue to!! 

 

Your doing fantastic brother!!! So proud!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hello my lovely Gail!! Yes I thought IUN's post was fantastic and his follow up one as well was spot on!! 

 

Things can change so quick!!! WOW!

 

I love you so much!! 

[gail]

Scrat,

AND ONE DAY, you suddenly realize that you have stopped fighting. What was there suddenly disappeared. You didn't even realize it. YOU ARE FREE.

Beautiful! Thank you!

[gail]

London,

Again, great exposures that came naturally. That is amazing considering the state you are in.

Hey brother! Was another very tough one today but don't want to go over it! I have messed up my timings so will have to fill you in more tomorrow! But basically just really nasty depression all day. Making me feel very nervous. The trauma of withdrawal together with the depression is a horrible combination. Plus I feel run down from all this poetry stuff! 
 
But I did managed to go to the pharmacy and then a short shop at Sainsbury's. My family are all away, so I needed some stuff. About 20 minutes out. Was so so scared but I did it. Then about 50 minutes in the garden. Oh man I was so anxious before I got in the garden, feeling absolutely wretched. Then when I came in felt so much stronger and better. I have never experienced a better treatment for anxiety and stress than garden meditation. Just refreshes you. Clears your head. Give you space. Spiritually sharpens you. Centres you. Brings you back to God. Brings you back to the bigger picture. 
 
Also I forget to say that on Friday I went out the front twice. One short walk in afternoon and another in the evening. First time I have done that - 2 times out the front in a day! Both were short but still a good exposure. Also it was spontaneous, I didn't plan it. I just felt like some fresh air that evening and thought I would just go for it! 
 
So yeah today was very tough at times - the combination of the trauma and the depression. If it is just depression it is much easier. But you know how traumatised I am about withdrawal. So it throws a spanner in the works of my usual coping mechanisms. 
 
Happy you saw your friend and got some work done!! Fantastic and I really hope tomorrow is a restful day for you! I have been praying and will continue to!! 
 
Your doing fantastic brother!!! So proud!! 
 
Love you so much brother! 
 
God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

That was a tough one reading that. I had this picture of you all alone in your home, and for me this is a very lonely place. I can't stand being alone for any length of time. I am fine for about an hour or so, but any more than that and it gets bad. I know you do better with this, but I couldn't help thinking you must be feeling lonely. And what a brave effort to get yourself to the shops. Forget that it was only 20 minutes. To have done this when you are one your own is a MAMMOTH task. I would be just like you. You do because it has to be done, but it would be difficult. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew I wouldn't be alone for the whole weekend, so how you do that I do not know. From my perspective, that is immense bravery. Truly well done man. No joke, not saying what you want to hear, this is impressive.

 

There was no noise this morning at all, but I still woke around 9am. Fortunately, I got straight back to sleep and woke around 1pm which gave me 9 hours total sleep. The only downside was I then got the old "you are wasting the day away" routine going through my mind. It was no good telling myself that I had chosen to have the day off and that I needed it, I was getting cabin fever onset quite quickly. I was holding it at bay for some time, and it wasn't until around 7pm that the flatness started turning a little to depression.

 

Only lasted an hour and wasn't too bad. I just kept telling myself that this was bound to happen after all this week has thrown at me, and that I am lucky I didn't wake up in a worse state than I did. I am still very much better than I was, but still recovering. Over 4 months now, and a few little setbacks here and there that I need to learn from. And the biggest lesson is not letting yourself get scared or taken over by these things. But they can so easily and quickly get out of hand. It is tough for sure.

 

I had a couple of those "shock" moment - you know the ones we spoke of some time ago where you have that pit of the stomach feeling for about a split second when you have a thought like "this is it, it has come back again, I will never recover". It is like you believe the thought whole-heartedly and the world has ended for that second. But you have to snap yourself out of it, but I never knew that one second could be so scary!

 

So what bought on the going out of the front twice? Just a challenge? Or an urge? Is it something you would like to keep going? I would imagine once the evenings get lighter it will be nice. And another amazing feat. If nothing else, this is putting another spoke in the routine which means a bit of juggling which can cause stress and anxiety - so bask in the victory but take it slow.

 

Keep the poetry as it is until you are absolutely sure you can do more again. You know it isn't right because you will open it on your laptop and you will have that sinking feeling before you have even got there - walk away. Wait as long as it needs. I have to do this with my work. I open up a project and I have that feeling. It is such a battle to want to stare it in the face and get on with it, but then knowing you are just not ready and it will do you more harm and you need to walk away. Seems like you are admitting defeat, but we aren't. We are doing the bravest thing.

 

Right, I need to do some meditation and escape this goldfish bowl syndrome I have got myself into... Look forward to hearing from you.

 

Love you so very much brother

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother! Today was better. Was tired, very tired but my mood was stable! To be honest I am absolutely fine on my own. It basically makes no difference to be honest. Often I actually enjoy having the house to myself!! I have spent days like Boxing Day on my own for years so I am very accustomed to it. The house is calm and I can whatever I want. Nobody watching tv - YEAH!!! What a relief that is! 

 

So I had watched a football match in my room on my computer Friday night and felt restless and headachy. I didn't know what to do, as watching the match had messed up my routine. So I thought as I hadn't had time for my garden meditation earlier I would go outside some more. So I went out in the streets for another 7 minutes and then the back for 30 minutes. Was around 11 pm ish, so pretty cool, nobody around at all! I loved it to be honest. I am looking forward to some more night walks!! So quite and not a soul in the busy city! Sometimes some dog walkers, but other than that nobody! 

 

I have got temporarily suspended for too much activity on the poetry, so that solves that LOL!! I might do some reading now! 

 

Happy to hear you got a day of rest in!! Fantastic! I know these days are tough but you stuck at it and it will have done you the world of good!! Bravo brother!! Plus that sleep will have been fantastic as well! You are doing so so well! Still buzzing about your 35 minute drive to be honest! That was Epic!! Such exciting times! But keep it up slow and steady!! That how we do it!! 

 

Also I had a dream last night about my cat! She was lying dead and then she started to get up and move!! I ran to tell my dad! Then there was a half dead mouse on the floor and I knew she had caught it! She was wizzing around, jumping on the sofa!! She was freed of her elderly body even though she looked the same, as she was moving so fast!! I am so happy she came to see me!! I know she has been with me, as I have felt it, as I have mentioned to you, but was still beautiful for her to come in my dream! The dream symbolised how only her body is dead, her rising up was showing that her spirit is as alive as ever!! I live for dreams like that!! 

 

Ok will give my head a rest my friend! Keep up the great work but don't push yourself!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail thank you so much!! At the time too depressed to realise I was doing a good exposure!! But now I see it was a good step!! I feel more free now, less anxiety holding me back, even if I am depressed!! 

 

I love you and God Bless!!

[gail]

Scrat,

Your post inspired me, a great post for all of us suffering from mental issues. I was so happy to see that you slept a lot with no noise.

RECOVERY TAKES TIME AS Claire weeks says in her book. I hope that you have that book.

Beware of your body tensing, your lesson to me.

AND THE BIGGEST LESSON IS NOT LETTING YOURSELF GET SCARED OR TAKEN BY THESE THINGS.
When this happens to me, I take my tablet and head for the forum to read you both and reflect. As I see myself in both of you.

I have to give it to you Scrat, your honesty about all those little things, about your life, gets to me. It is not seen often. So bravo for being so authentic my friend. Lovage

[gail]

London,

Out of the poetry because of too much activity. Keep the girl and vacation for the rest.
You seem on the way up, yeah!
A cceptance of my crying has been achieved, thank you God.
The relaxation from Scrat is making me more aware of my body.

Thanks to you two for giving me insights. With love!

[invalidusername]

Thanks Gailage...

 

I of course have all of Claire Weekes' work. I have read it many times and reflect on it as much as I can. The current issues are physical ones. My fatigue, tinnitus, dizziness... which I think all comes from stress. There has been building noise every week since November 2018 and the last 3-4 weeks has really pushed me to my limit as my downstairs neighbour is knocking down walls and drilling... my stress has become so bad and whereas it used to cause anxiety, it has now caused physical symptoms first and lots of stress. 

 

I really wish I knew what to do. The noise has stopped for now, but I still have all these effects which are still affecting me.

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Glad you had a better day man... and a stable mood is a good thing to hear. Now that you put it that you have quiet, it makes sense that you feel comfortable on your own. My situation on that is a strange one. I don't fully understand it. I think if I have something to do, it is easier. A good example occurred today in fact.....

 

I went to my first client, not feeling all that wonderful and no-one there when I arrived. Got my phone and client had JUST text me to say that he was running late... at the time of the appointment! He said he would be about 30 minutes, so it wasn't worth going anywhere, so I sat in the car alongside a busy road trying to read an eBook, but I felt very uncomfortable. But it all stopped when the client arrived. Not sure what to make of that. Something about being trapped I guess - don't know.

 

You got suspended for your poetry? How did that happen? I didn't even know that could happen? But maybe divine intervention? 

 

On a more sour note, there was more building noise this morning, so my neighbour who PROMISED me that there would be nothing going on until Thursday was clearly being an idiot. The anger got me to such a point I had to take a valium. I just felt so bad like nothing would ever go right in my life. The wife was suicidal as soon as she woke. I had a stressful set of dreams - funnily enough about the building having a lift installed and loads more noise going on! You can see how bad this is getting for my stress man!! I need to meditate my arse off...

 

Still, three clients later and a massive 25 minute Tesco shop and I am home and trying to calm down. The other thing that really is getting to me is my tinnitus. It has been really bad again all day - really loud - but it is both ears and white noise rather than the usual one ear and a 8kHz tone. So I think it is a stress response. But it doesn't help at all. Also feeling a little light headed. I would be so much better without these physical symptoms. I just can't ignore them as much as I would like to...

 

Lovely dream you had - I knew it would only be a matter of time before she got in touch with you! You know for sure she has settled up there now and is letting you know. This is great news... she is there... waiting...!

 

Look forward to hearing about your day - any double measures on the walking front again??

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail you are spot on my love! IUN post was so inspiring!! He is so so brave!! I am blown away by him!! He is so honest and authentic as you say! What a blessing!

 

Also yes exactly - RECOVERY TAKES TIME!!! 

 

We are the 3 Musketeers!!!! We are all in this together!!!

 

So happy you have acceptance over your crying - YEAH!!!! 

 

Really happy about the relaxation of your body as well!! Bravo to you and IUN!!!

 

God Bless and I love you two!!!!

[LDN]

Hey man! So will have to be pretty short as have a bad headache! I am so weak at the moment. Sleeping so much. I just feel really flat. So empty. No excitement or adrenaline. I don't feel right. My brain so weak right now as well, can take so little in. I am a bit concerned to be honest. I am not sure if it is the withdrawal just taking it out of me. Every week I reduce a bit more and feels a bit relentless. But I don't know, that shouldn't be making me flat. Today I was so so flat. 

 

Like I feel a bit in a bubble. I was just about to say to you, I hope you have a good Monday tomorrow!!! LOL!!! What?? It's early Thursday LDN!!!!!!!!!!!! When you are sleeping so much, you loose all sense of what day it is! Plus this week I have no therapy, as my therapist is away, so very much just sleeping and nothing else. Also I can't organise appointments because my mum is busy with seeing docs about her pain. So I can't really book ahead, as I am too weak to go on my own still! Apart from therapy I have done absolutely nothing for weeks! 

 

Ok man going to do some reading, I really need to! 

 

I hope THURSDAY goes well LOL!!! 

 

I love you so much! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL CORNER

 

Things to be grateful for - 

 

1. God

2. Love

3. Forum

4. Family

5. Angels

6. My mud garden LOL

7. My comfy bed

8. Prayers

9. Meditation

10. Dreams of the Summerland

11. Stillness

12. Silence

13. The rainbow I saw today

14. The wind

15. The stars

16. The moon

17. The rain

18. Books

19. The sun

20. My dream of Chin Chin

21. My spirit

[gail]

Well said London, without those things, we'd be miserable.

Speaking or rainbow, many years back I was sitting on my mom's balcony with two or three others. The rainbow caught my eyes, the colors were so pure, I was in awe. I showed the others, no reaction. It was my miracle. Thank you God

[gail]

Scrat, what's up, we miss you. Lovage

[invalidusername]

I'm here... just busy busy busy....

[invalidusername]

LDN - great post of things that you are grateful for, but y'all miss the most important.

 

THINGS I'M GRATEFUL FOR

 

1. Myself

 

If you don't love yourself, none of the rest matter.... so add that to the start of your list man!!! Moving on...

 

Don't worry about forgetting the day. I have been doing that all week, but I can easily understand that having the level of sleep you are, that this will result in confusion of a temporal nature. For me it is the other way around. I left the house at 1pm and got home at 9pm. I know technically this is a "normal" 9-5, but I am not used to that... plus I didn't get a lunch hour!!

 

The wife is very much the same at the moment. She is trying to steal as much sleep as possible after all the building work, and thus is very weak. We both are. But her more so as she is not used to going outside as I am. Speaking of which, I read her your last paragraph of your PM about the whole social media thing. She cried brother. "That's exactly it... that is just what I am going through" she said. I'd suggest you and her have a quick message, but I am not going to do that right now. You already have commitment which you do not need. Look after number one first...

 

Speaking of the social media issue, I can see where you are coming from with the whole "fictitious" thing. That is a real tough one and you have my sympathy. How does one go about decyphering that? I have no answer for you, but hats off to your mum for suggesting it. It was a really interesting thing to read and it left me pondering for some time having never even heard of the syndrome.

 

Although it was a long day, I was blessed by seeing a client that I hadn't seen in a long time. They are an elderly couple living in this massive mansion in the sticks. It must have been a good 18 months or so, so the last time I saw them, I would have been quite ill. But they welcomed me into a lovely warm manor house, brewed me some tea and they had even made me a cake!! They didn't let me work until I had eaten the cake - so technically, I did have a lunch break. But that was something that filled me with joy. The love that people openly and freely give... just like our Musketeers here!!

 

Right - need to rest - much love to your brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ah man that is a lovely story about that elderly couple and the cake!! Such a lovely moment! That is what it is all about!! So happy for you! 

 

I forgot to say yesterday I had an amazing occurrence! I had got out of the shower and was having a shave yesterday afternoon and heard meowing. I thought it was weird, but thought it must be outside. Then I got changed and went downstairs and there was a cat in my house!!!! Imagine!!! I couldn't believe it! I went up to my sisters room at the top of the house to tell her and it followed me up the stairs! My sister was out and so nobody else was at home. I went back downstairs and then it followed me down. I stroked it for quite a bit and it walked around me in circles as I was kneeling down to stroke it. I was rubbing itself against me. I recognised it from the area. It fell on it's back when I was stroking it and closed it's eyes! I checked the back door and it was shut, so it must have come in when my mum or sister was leaving the front door!! I can't think of any other way! I wanted to keep it LOL!!! But in reality I was going to let it out the front door but then my brother came back and opened the door and it then ran out. I took some photos and a video with it. I couldn't believe it followed me up the stairs all the way to the top of the house. I thought it would be really scared and nervy to locked into a strangers house but it wasn't. As I say it fell on it's back and enjoyed my strokes and circled round me. Plus walked through my legs, rubbing it self against me!!! 

 

Really well done about getting in such a full day!!! WOW! And no lunch break as well! Crickey that is amazing going man!! 1 to 9 is insane effort!! So massive pat on the back for that!! But remember to look after yourself and not push too much! 

 

I am the same today. Just very flat and very very weak physically and mentally. Slept a lot again. I know sleep is really good for you and I enjoy it, but the days feel weird when you are sleeping so much. Plus your body is sort of in sleep mode. I don't know why I am so weak at all. But it is what it is. 

 

Ok knackered here so going to do some reading! 

 

I will be praying brother! Again so well done today! 

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[gail]

My goodness, what lovely stories. The love of those people really touched you, such a genuine thought, a cake for you just like in heaven. I'm happy that you lived that moment. Good for your soul Scrat. I'm touched by their gesture and by your reaction. Bravo

London, my eyes were so big when I read of the cat, so happy for you. You might want a cat instead of a dog. So so delighted to read this. You must have made a 360 in your mind. I still can't believe this. What joy to take your mind off things. I'm so touched.

Now, curious me, what is the name of that syndrome? Just in case that it has something to do with my mental situation.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I still can't come over it.

I could not sign in yesterday nor early morning, anxiety was getting to me. I got it the seventh time. That's where I see how important the forum is to me. Thanks for being there!!!

[invalidusername]

It is wonderful - two lovely stories at the same time! It makes the noise and the horrible weather a bit easier to tolerate today...

 

I definately think LDN should get a cat - always have done! And this is for sure a sign

 

I will let LDN explain about the syndrome, but you for sure don't have it. Very interesting.

 

Really sorry to see you have more snow. Where has spring gone?!

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

That was an epic story!! I was thinking it could have been the furry lover reincarnated, but that would have been a bit quick!! But I think she sent this one in to help you. Just like when the black one came to the house and my second cat just made friends immediately as though they knew each other. Some of these things just can't be explained. Did you recognise the cat? The thing with the black one, she came and then went. We have never seen her before, nor after.... Cats just don't do that in a close-knit neighbourhood.

 

Felt like poo this morning when I woke - definately overdid it the last 2 days. I still had 5 hours worth of clients today, and by the end I had such weakness and massive headache. Still not great, but at least it is the weekend. Not a great deal planned again, which is good. Might end up feeling a bit weak like yourself, but I have been here a few times and I just have to let it be if I am to recover quickly. Just can't let it get to me. I think tonight will be some special K, I nice pie and chips for dinner and a good movie. No emails, no texts, no damn social media - forget it all and just forget the time and enjoy some me time.

 

Hopefully your sleep will abate a bit as time goes on. It is for sure all the poetry stuff and contact that it had you doing. Fame comes with a price man! You are a cracking poet... absolutely superb, and you have chosen a subject that a lot of people are interested in. When so many people can relate, you are going to get this level of response, which is nice in the first instance, but when it gets out of hand, it can be a problem. I had the same thing when I did a series of Youtube videos leading up to my book. I had so many comments and messages. I couldn't keep up. This was a long time before I had my episode, so was in a perfectly good place, but even then I got stressed out... big time. 

 

Oh - and a bit of news. I got a letter for a meeting for the other mental health group. I was referred to them after I got ditched by the NHS, and they were the people who help you get integrated back into normal living. This was 6 months ago...! NOW... I get a letter. I honestly don't think I need it. I don't really have time for it either. But the wife does. But I won't be thanked for going along and asking them to come and help her instead. No no. She will have to apply and wait 6 months herself. Tough call. Not sure what to do. I might look up on how they go about their service and see whether it will be something that can help us both as a couple rather than just me - as that will not help anything. I cannot move forward without the wife doing the same.

 

Right - time to chill. Look forward to hearing from you.

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! Yeah the thing with the cat is how did she get in?? The back door was locked. I can only think she must have snuck in while either my mum or sister were leaving the house and the front door was open, but then you would think they would see it? Still can not think of any other explanation. Also strange for a cat to run into a strangers house isn't?? 

 

I have seen the cat in the area before. But what was interesting was she was falling on her back just like my cat did, and was walking around my back and rubbing against me like my cat did!! She was putting her paws in the air just like my cat as well! It was fascinating!! Plus she followed me up stairs!! Fascinating incident!!

 

Really bad depression here brother. Another day of exhaustion and loads of sleep. I have been blocked again on the my poetry so that means I will have some time off it anyway. I just feel flat, empty, mentally weak and fragile, physically so weak. Not sure really what is going on! But I have to try my best. The thing I feel so zombie like and brain dead, it is hard for me to reach my teachings and sayings in tough moments. My brain is so slow, so it is a real effort to go over my teachings in the tough moments. I can feel this desire to just fall into despair and intense depression and I am having to work super hard to keep my spirits up and remember the big picture and the purpose of my journey. I was out in the garden and really having to dig deep and go over and over my teachings. It did help and I felt a fleeting sensation of peace and calm but it was fleeting. 

 

Also the withdrawal just adds question masks as well. Adds in the extra trauma. Obviously my system is changing right now biologically and that has to be factored in. I am very sensitive and these things will affect you. 

 

All in all it feels like a slog right now. Not unbearable but very very flat. Also like you I am having very bad headaches. Plus I feel low on confidence. I feel a bit nervy and apprehensive. 

 

Got a bad headache right now. But thank you so much for such kind words on my poetry, that really means a lot brother. Also what you were saying about your Youtube experience really resonates with me. I feel slightly addicted to it but at the same time want space from it. In theory I should be happy I got blocked because it gives me an excuse for some time off but it has made me feel quite anxious. It is a learning experience and will do me well in the long run I have no doubt. 

 

Have a lovely weekend brother and really take it easy!! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey Gail!! It certainly was a beautiful surprise to see the cat!!!! 

 

Thanks for being there Gail and sharing your experiences!!! Remember we are the 3 Musketeers!!!! All in this together!! 

 

You and IUN give me great comfort and strength!!! 

 

I love you!!! God Bless!!!

[gail]

Scrat,

Yes, it would be good for her to attend one meeting, she will meet people having the same problems. She will hopefully want more. No more feeling alone, she will meet people like her and that will console her.

On the other hand, if you look at AA, MEMBERS attend mostly alone. The partner sees her partner change his way of life, this is a plus for the wife. After a certain time of seeing you change, she might want what you have achieved,, and decide to go. My thoughts.

Fascinating what popularity can do to you. I wouldn't like to be Celine Dion. I so need my time alone. The forum is perfect for me. It doesn't go to my head. I always ask God to write for me. Like, I had a paragraph before the first one, I deleted it. God says delete so with reason, I delete.

London, can't get over the cat and the way she acted with you, surely a God intervention!

A short haired cat is less trouble than a dog. When you feel better. Chinchin numero dos.
Oh, how I would like to hear cat stories again.

Yes, it must be quite an effort to plunge into your teaching again. I hope you wrote them down. I am a spiritual being living human experiences. Experimenting great fatigue, depression, brain dry etc. So many people live like this, an experience that won't last.
Seen the doctor lately? And your therapist on vacation.

But Scrat and I are here to encourage you, it won't last, you've been here before. Prayers also for you.that cat had a message for you, don't give up, a message of love and hope. It still touches me so much. Enjoy your sleep and accept the rest that goes with it, you are on vacation my love. What's the name of the med that you are withdrawing for? You must be nearing the end.

Are there any animal shelters nearby? When you feel better, your brother or sister could drive you there. God says enough so enough it is for this early morning.

Much love to you two and your wife. Hasta mañana amigos, Gail and Gailage x.

[invalidusername]

Hey musketeers...

 

Lovely long post from Gailage this morning - I was spoilt when I woke up! Was great to have both to read... I do think a cat would be great... but once you are a bit further forward out of these present circumstances. I know that a cat will not give you anything like the stress that everything else is such as poetry and withdrawal, but choosing a cat, getting all the cat apparel (!) and so forth, will still take it out of you initially. If you could just fast forward to the bit where the cat is settled and just following you around the house, then great. But for now, just be content with the prospect of getting chinchin v2.0 soon.

 

Still very strange what happen with the presence of the cat. Sometimes we do not need an answer. There are some very strange things that go on. For example, I had a random thought about this chap that I remember that went to my parents church. I haven't seen him since I was 16. Just remembered being at his house once. Then today, my parents tell me that he died yesterday. Bit coincidental that I don't think of the chap for almost 30 years, and then the day the dear chap passes on... there is the thought. Same thing happened when my "long lost" uncle David turned up.

 

I think the withdrawal does indeed add question marks to what is going on. I am really sorry that you are enduring more depression. Prayers were said for all three of us this morning when I woke. I asked for strength all round. I was so thankful for the direction that Gailage has to write the messages, and for you my brother, to have the strength to keep your spiritual side in the forefront of everything so you can see where you are going in the midst of everything that is going on. I remember the fleeting feeling. It is a good sign. They remind you what your head is capable of. It is there to tell you that it won't always be this way. 

 

Awesome that you carried on in the face of it, with the garden meditation and everything. You know that is the way to continue. Just carry on with everything as it was to the best of your current ability. This is exactly what I did today. I was so exhausted this morning when I woke... while I was reading your messages, and somehow I still had to go to help my parents with a few things and then visit my weekend friend. It was an early breakfast so I could get the parents stuff out the way before seeing my friend. I was at the parents by 3pm, friend by 4.30pm and then back to parents to finish what we hadn't done by 6.30pm until 8. So another 5 hours which I could have done without... but somehow the strength was there with me.

 

Now that I have stopped, it has all caught up with me of course. My body is so shattered, and even moving my arms to type is making me run out of steam! This is why I am an hour or so earlier than usual otherwise I worry I will collapse and have no energy left whatsoever... but woh.. I have done a message looking back. I still have strength. And it is so important that I stay in touch with you both. Means so much to me.

 

I hope that you are improving brother. Your body sounds like it needs some downtime - and can you blame it? Just think what you have been through. The result is sort of justified - as much as you don't like to think, but it gives you a reason rather than questioning it too much. Just like we have been saying before, it is finding your balance, just like Gailage and I have to do the same. I just hope that tomorrow I don't hit burnout, but if I do, I will do my best to approach it with as much acceptance as possible. 

 

Much love to my brother and sister!

 

God Bless you both

[LDN]

Hey brother! Toughish day again. Woke ok but by late afternoon felt very unconfident and nervy again. Very fragile. Through in some depression and anxiety. I had to go on my out the front walk. I was so nervous. I made myself do it. I found great comfort in that I made myself do it, but it was so scary. It was like going back to the beginning of when I started going out. Most days know i don't even think about it when I go out, but today was really scary. Anxiety was huge, but I just kept going over my teachings and trying to be as still and at peace as possible and open to what I was feeling. Just pure in the moment. Telling myself this is a dream and remembering when I am in heaven it will feel like waking up from a dream. That thought helps A LOT. Visualising the waking up in heaven. I had a taste of that with ketamine mega trip, when I left my body. 

 

Then got back and went to bed for my siesta and had a long one. Woke up feeling pretty bad but know I feel ok. Just sleeping so much, and days are just blurring. The main thing is trusting my process. Walk at the front, walk at the back with meditation, and prayers. 

 

Sounds like you did great again today. But I really hope you can properly rest tomorrow brother!!! But a massive well done for your strength! Never cease to amaze me with your courage!! So proud my brother!

 

100% my body is telling me it needs to rest and you have to listen to your body. I had the intense anxiety situation then Christmas in the country. An intense December. Then November I had a bad crash after the hospital. Plus January was very busy for me as well. My body needs a vacation, even though it doesn't feel like one LOL!! I keep on telling myself that even though I am not enjoying this, all this sleep will be very good for me. I am sleeping deep. It always happens that I suddenly get a burst of energy from nowhere after I have been resting, you don't see it coming. 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hello Gail! What a lovely message! A pleasure to read it!! Thank you so much for sharing such wisdom! 

 

God loves you so much my love! You can see in it your writing - GOD'S LOVE!! Thank you for letting me see this!!! A joy for me!! 

 

Yes my therapist is on holiday, but back on Wednesday. It had a whole week and a half off! A week in bed!! Not one appointment in a week and a half!! For me that is a long break!! But I needed it!! 

 

I am withdrawing from Chlorpromazine. Half way so far. 

 

Thanks for your lovely worlds!! Means the world to me!! 

 

The cat was a beautiful gift!! You should have seen my face my love!!! LOL!!! As I said I wanted to steal it LOL!!!! Not really I wouldn't do that, but tempting!!! 

 

I hope you are well my love and your message was so lovely and helped a lot!!! 

 

I always go back to that teaching - 'I AM SPIRITUAL BEING HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE'. I say it to myself over and over again. I apply it to my life as best as I can!! 

 

I hope you are well!! 

 

I love you!!

 

God Bless!!