536 replies to this topic

[FiveNotions]

Renee, that is not "a plan," it's a way to ruin the lives of your husband and children ... ending your own life will also end theirs ... you would also do terrible harm to all of us here ... think of all of us, who are working so hard on recovering and healing .... it would, I know, put an end to my healing ...  ..... how would you be helping your amazing son, who wants to do his research paper on Cymbalta? your daughter who is also so talented? your husband?

 

if you are truly suicidal, and genuinely have this "plan," you must, absolutely must, tell your doc and get help ... suicide is an irreversible decision ... for you ... and the fact that you are doing so many wonderful, creative things shows just how much you love life, and love living it ...

 

you need the best possible therapist ...you need to be talking with, working with, someone who can help you with these feelings ... I can't recall, and I can't find any earlier posts from you that talk about this ... do you have a good therapist now?

 

Is it the pain that's doing this to you? please talk to us about this ... is it fibro pain ... physical? or is it emotional pain?

 

Look dear heart, we love you and care about you ... and we want to help you get better .... I'm on my way back to bed after one of my old fart pee breaks ... and now I'm going to lie there worrying about you ... and praying for you ...

[DoneWithCrap]

FN it is both physical pain and emotional pain because of my physical limitations. My rheumatologist said I have mixed connective tissue disease not fibro. I don't care what they call it, just help me gain strength back and ease this pain. I have been tight handed my whole life. Now I can't turn a doorknob with my right hand. I once was very active doing yard work and crafts of all sorts. Now it takes all my energy to use a rotary cutter and get it straight. Everything I live to do hurts physically or I just can't do it anymore. This fact is causing me to be very depressed.
I define myself by helping others in need and teaching others how to get things done. I can't do that anymore. I'm getting worst each week. I don't know how to live this way.

[brzghoff]

FN it is both physical pain and emotional pain because of my physical limitations. My rheumatologist said I have mixed connective tissue disease not fibro. I don't care what they call it, just help me gain strength back and ease this pain. I have been tight handed my whole life. Now I can't turn a doorknob with my right hand. I once was very active doing yard work and crafts of all sorts. Now it takes all my energy to use a rotary cutter and get it straight. Everything I live to do hurts physically or I just can't do it anymore. This fact is causing me to be very depressed.
I define myself by helping others in need and teaching others how to get things done. I can't do that anymore. I'm getting worst each week. I don't know how to live this way.

 

 

Renee,

 

you said that you define yourself by helping others in need and teaching others how to get things done. perhaps its time to re-define yourself! we all change and its common for people to re-define themselves throughout life.

 

Please don't make decisions based on "rules" you make for yourself. change the rules!

[Clara]

Renee I agree with brzghoff... change the rules for yourself. Still do for others, just try to do it in a less demanding way. I too have always been "active", gardening, working hard at my job, which I no longer have,  due to the fact that I had a C. meltdown in May 2012 and walked after 37 years with the same family owned small bus'. TMI maybe, but that's just a small part of my C. history. Back to doing what I love... crafts yard work etc.... C. has stolen a lot of my creativity, physical stamina, and on I could go. I have had to make a lot of adjustments and it is truly an on going process. I too have felt that I'd just like to die.. not suicidal, but just step back and watch the world go by without having to participate in it, but that just isn't the way life works. Please, as I have had to do and try to do daily realize that my family needs me, there is a reason I am here, try to focus on the positives. They are there and you will find them if you look. A simple thing, but it helps! We all love you, Renee, and need you here with us. You are going to overcome this part of your C. journey and be able to help others that come along, I just know it! Love hugs and prayers!!!

[DoneWithCrap]

I'm still depressed and in a lot of physical pain but I'm not going to do anything stupid. I need to accept my limitations and work with what I can do instead of focusing on the things I can no longer do.
I am hopeful that I will nod day find a doctor that can help me reduce my pain to a level where I can be more functional.
I reminded myself this morning about how when my mother was 24 years old with 3 babies under 5 years old and she was in constant pain at home bed ridden in traction. The doctors told her she needed to learn to live with the pain. She refused to accept that answer and found a doctor that surgically remover the scar tissue from her spinal cord. That was 45 years ago and she has no pain. There is always hope. I will find my doctor. I just need to keep looking.

[TryinginFL]

Renee,

 

I have just read your last post - you will find the right Dr.!

 

I have found after all of these months, that there are things that I can no longer do.  I am not happy about it, but have learned to live with it - we all change, whether we want to or not.  I used to be like you - everything had to be perfect!  This cannot be the same for me any longer.

 

As an example - I went grocery shopping yesterday and when I got home I could barely walk to bring the groceries in the house.  I was in extreme pain in my shoulders, my lower back, hip and feet.  Things were never like this before.  I then took a Hydrocodone and it helped some, but not enough!  I also stayed in bed until 930 this morning as I found that I could hardly walk when I first tried to get up.  I know - these things are miserable and such a shock after being able to do just about anything.  This past year has been the worst of my life regarding pain and depression.

 

Please keep talking to us and we will do all we can to help you - we love you as does your family and want you to stay safe.  Not the same, perhaps, but safe nonetheless.  Unfortunately, we all find that we continually change, but not always for the better.

 

Please stay with us and try to be kind to yourself.  I prayed for you personally before I went to sleep last nite, as your post from then had me so worried...

 

God Bless

 

Liz   

[Jones]

Renee
I hate to read something so familiar to my pain that I want to say ME TOO, but ME TOO. Are there ever times when things let up and you have a more pain free day ?
Even in your pain, you gave me a lift reading about your mother's perseverance.
After taking all of the things I have for pain and depression with little relief, I am trying guided meditation for pain. I found some videos on youtube. Some are pretty strange , but some doable. In the70's bio feedback was the rage here and I did that for migraines, so I am used to "getting into it". I do get some relief or at least I am distracted for a while from some of the videos (best heard with headphones).
You are in my prayers.

[DoneWithCrap]

Thank you for your prayers. I believe you have helped me <3

TFL is your pain related to discontinuation or another problem? I know I'm in more pain now than I was when I went in the C for fibromyalgia.

Going to the eye doctor now to find out why my vision keeps getting blurry. I'm bracing myself for another "there is nothing wrong". This time I will not let it get to me.

[TryinginFL]

Renee,

 

I wish I could answer your question regarding exactly what the pain is the result of, as I really don't know.  I can only say that it is MUCH greater now than when I started the C. over 4 years ago. The fibro pain was manageable at that time.

 

The arthritis has become increasingly worse over the past year and don't know if it is due to the withdrawal/discontinuation or just my aging body!    The fibro pain never was as bad as it is now and the osteoarthritis in my feet is almost unbearable at times.

 

You mention that you are having vision problems - I have read here on the forum that many have suffered from that during the withdrawal.  That is one symptom I did not have, but some have even experienced terrible pain related to their eyes as well - FN being one of them.  I believe that she had optic neuritis.  I had some pain, but Visine usually took care of it and it didn't last very long. 

 

I hope that there is no problem found when you visit your eye Dr. - also, many have said, do not change your eyeglass RX as things return to normal in time!

 

I wish you luck and please post your results!

[DoneWithCrap]

Well my vision was 20/20 today. They checked my eye pressure and it is quite high so they took in image of my optic nerve. That test was fine. I do need to go back next month to see a glaucoma specialist. I have dry eye syndrome and have had my tear ducts plugged but I'm also supposed to use Rastas eye drops. My insurance company doesn't cover it so I need to pay out of pocket.

I use 2 steroidal inhalers and a steroid nasal spray which could be causing the high pressure in my eyes. The Plaquenil Rx for my mixed connective tissue can cause eye damage and I will need a special eye exam every year if I continue to take it. The eye doctor said I'm on a toxic level of Plaquenil for my height and that I need to call my rheumatologist tomorrow to cut my dose in half.

More doctor appointments than you can shake a stick at. Good thing I have an iPhone to keep my appointments in with an annoying alarm to remind me so that I don't miss them.

[TryinginFL]

Thanks for the update, Renee! 

 

I'm sorry there are some problems...   I just finished with 4 eye Dr. appts. in 4 weeks!  Guess I'm right up there with you with all the appts!  I admit, it sure is a pain...

 

I'm happy that you are OK for now - and don't forget to make that call tomorrow!

 

Hope that you can relax some this evening - if you are like me, running around like that really poops me out!

Just remember to take care of yourself - and try not to be upset with this stuff - it's not for worrying about this evening!

 

Love and hugs,

Liz

[DoneWithCrap]

Thank you Liz. I'm not worried about it, but I am pooped.
Thank you for all your help. You are an angle

[brzghoff]

renee,

 

thank you for making decisions that will keep you close to the ones who love you. i am holding out good thoughts for you. it must be very difficult to be feeling such pain when no one can find the source. it sounds as though you have not exhausted your options and your doctors are on the case!

 

please keep us posted. healing is an ongoing process. the ups and downs are still there but just like life's circumstances aren't good all the time, neither are they always awful. time is a great healer.  

[brzghoff]

my negative is this crazy storm we're having. it has been pouring rain for over 24 hours. we've had at least 6 inches. i live out in the woods and we have two creeks that run through our property and under our driveway. they've overflowed their banks. portions of our driveway are underwater and it is flowing across pretty fast. no i am not freaking out (yet) but yes this is a flash flood. i am not worried that it will rise as high as our house, we'll stay high and dry. about every couple years or so we get heavy enough rains for this to occur - been through this many times. its unnerving though. earlier today i parked one of our cars down the driveway on the other side of the creek to make sure we can get out if we needed - like if the driveway washed out. we have boots for wading out to the car, as long as the water isn't moving too fast. otherwise we'd have to wait it out. its not as bad as it sounds. it just sucks. 

 

wow. the rain is coming down harder now. its really loud - we have a metal roof. the lightening is pretty crazy too. 

[DoneWithCrap]

FNL Just saying...

[FiveNotions]

well, Renee, I sure understand that "emoticon" face ... but what does "FNL" stand for ... remember, I'm both an old fart (no habla internet-lingo) and I have crapalta brain ...

 

but whatever it is that's making you feel negative, I'm totally in your corner

[Amysgarden]

Need to rant for a moment. Went to the doctor today for my annual exam, which happened to be like 5 years overdue too, but anyway... Never seen this particular doctor before. Not sure I want to see her again. Filled out the health questionnaire honestly, which meant that I indicated that I've experienced depression in the past month. Combine that with the update that I was no longer taking antidepressants, and it was bad news. She was all over me about how they could get me started back up on an antidepressant, either the same one or another. I told her NO. She kept pressing. I said emphatically that I will NOT take any more SSRIs. She then insisted on continuing the discussion about depression after the physical part of the exam was over.

Finally got kind of rude and told her flat out that I had years of experience with depression and meds and therapists, and that when I said I was doing fine and did not need therapy or meds, I know what I'm talking about! Sheesh! She seriously seemed to want to put me right back on antidepressants, thought she knew better than me.

She also had no idea at all what 5-HTP is. Definitely not going back to her any time soon!

[brzghoff]

if a Primary care, ob-gyn or other non p-doc ever suggests anti-depressants to me, my policy is to tell them, "i will address any options regarding psychoactive drugs wth my psychiatrist"

[brzghoff]

my neg...

 

has to do with yesterday's jury duty. i've been called a lot over the past 20 years and i definitely know the drill. at one point a judge comes in to give instructions and then ask for any last minute requests to be exempted (its usually done by mail prior) . she said right up front she's a "mean judge" and doesn't grant too many exceptions. she also said she will not allow for a line to form for people who want to request an exemption (often done for confidentiality). she said you must stand up where you are and make your request in front of everyone in the room. most were for pre-booked business travel - which is granted if you have your tickets with you - they then set you out to come back in two weeks. however a man stood up, obviously in serious distress. he told the judge it was an extremely personal nature and could he address it with her privately. she said no! he then said that his son comitted suicide last thursday and burst ito tears. so did a few in the room. she then said, "okay, come on up." i was schocked. no other judge has ever done that - they all let people approach to consult privately. its not like he could have submitted tha request when he got his summons a month ago. it doesn't take anymore time to allow people to consult with the judge one on one. another woman had to stand up and not only say she had a doctor's note, but then the judge said "for what?" the woman had to announce in front of everyone that she has an anxiety disorder and is prone to panic attacks. unbelievable. sounds like a HIPPA violation but i don't know if that applies to judges who are jerks. 

 

fivenotions, you're the legal consultant here - any insight into this?

[TryinginFL]

That's horrible.  I've never heard of such a thing....

 

What has become of people being at least "nice" to each other???

[Amysgarden]

That sounds pretty fishy to me, Brzghoff. Last time I got called up, you could make a written request and send it in ahead of time. Seems like a violation of medical privacy to force someone to discuss details of a potential medical exemption/excuse in public.

[gail]

She said that she was a mean judge, she meant inhuman or whatever the spelling is. She's also a b***. That makes me want to puke.

Makes me sick to see people act like this. Disgusting!

[FiveNotions]

Well, I'm about to take my second cat, Buddy, back to the vet. During the last few of my crapalta years, I let 2 of my cats get very sick ... didn't take them to the vet ... at first because I didn't even notice, and then, when I finally did notice, I just wasn't functioning ... didn't give a shit about me, much less the cats ... last October, one of them went into end stage renal failure ... I was off the poison, and was finally working and could pay for the vet ... and, I cared ... but it was too late, and I had to put him to sleep.

 

And now, it's probably likewise for my 2d cat ... got him to the vet last month, very advanced hyperthyroid... he isn't responding to the meds, and now is showing signs of heart failure ... my gut tells me it's too late for him, as well ...

 

I cannot begin to express what I feel about what this drug did to me ... somehow it's easier for me to accept, deal with, face, and forgive myself for all of the awful things it did, that I allowed it to do, to me, to my life..... but realizing and accepting that because of how I was I have allowed two living creatures for whom I had/have full responsibility, to suffer and now to have to die .....

 

8 years of my life, maybe more ... I just don't have those memories... lost to a drug ... that I never should have been taking in the first place ... and ended up taking only because another antidepressant I was taking, but also should not have been taking, caused me to have a psychotic break ...

 

I'm hearing TM's voice in my head now ... and his wisdom is that I'm not at fault, not to blame ... thank you, TM ... because I'm not feeling very self-forgiving right now ...

[TryinginFL]

FN,

 

My heart aches for you.  I can feel the pain of losing another dear pet.  I pray that will not be the case, but I understand if it must be. Dear Buddy, who has given you so much love.  Having been through this myself, it is hard to hold back tears.

 

You have suffered enough through the horrible withdrawal/discontinuation and I wish you some peace.

 

All the best to you, dear friend,

 

Liz

[thismoment]

FN
You and I woke up on the same side of the bed!

See my post in Want to Get off Cymbalta after 7 Years Use #13.

I lost my 2 kitties to renal failure about a year apart, the last one going last year.

And no it's not your fault as none of it appeared on your "To Do" list. I hope you have a great day gentle soul.

[gail]

Fivenotions,

I can feel your pain, your anguish about Buddy and about the "guilt trip".
As TM mentioned, gentle soul describes you perfectly.

We cannot ask an unconscious person to act consciously, I know that you understand this. It hurts just the same! I am sorry that you are going through this. Time will heal the pain, you are in my thoughts gentle soul.♥♥

[Clara]

Oh my sweet friend, my heart aches for you! I have lost 2 cats in the last couple of years and it is heartbreaking. My eldest had seen me through the toughest times in my life and some of the best! Please don't blame yourself. I'm grateful we have vets that can put them down with little suffering. Hold on to that dear FN! We are all overcomers in spite of all this nasty poison has done to us. We're vastly different people than before C. and MUST continue to look forward working with what we have to make life better for ourselves and those around us.  Love, hugs and prayers!!!!!

[brzghoff]

FN, i am sorry to learn that you have another cat with health issues. i know it was a very difficult time when you lost sweetie. as others have shared, and what down deep you know yourself, there is no one to blame. animals get sick and they can't tell us when something is wrong. cats especially hide their illness as much as possible. if you were too sick to take care of yourself, you were too sick to notice the nuances of illness - even serious - in a cat.  i am guessing your kitty is taking the methimazole pills. from what i understand they don't always work - even with cases that aren't "advanced". 

 

i have recently suspected that my almost 17 year old cat has hyperthyroidism. she has always been vocal, but lately she goes into a panic. she has "manic" episodes (its actually pretty funny, she races around the house, chases her tail and tries to burrow under the rug) she eats like crazy nd drinks water like i drank wine on cymbalta. i gotta take her in for her shots and will get the opinion of my vet. i fear the inevitable of her kidneys shutting down and the possibility of a heart condition. i have no idea how i will approach her treatment.

 

i can undersand how agonizing it is having to make a choice and understanding the consequences. there are no right or wrong answers. just what is in the best interest of your kitty - and you! as thismoment says, its about quality of life - for all!

[Amysgarden]

Hugs, FN!

[ShadyLady]

So sad for you, FN. I know your babies are your lifeline. 4 years ago, I had to put down my 10 year old papillon, in July my yorkie died of tracheal collapse after vet f'd up, then I had to put down my 19 year old cat in December. The pain still comes over me like a cloak when I remember the tragedy of losing my three beloved babies in less than one year. After stopping the C and the emotional floodgate bursting in the first few months of withdrawal, I could not forgive myself and the thought that the drug had made me blind in not recognizing I could've done more to save the kids. Who knows whether that is really true or not?

I feel your pain and hope you will not beat yourself up over something you had no control over and the impaired judgement that kept you numb to things that are so seen and felt so much more clearly now that you have been off the crack for over a year. My heart and prayers go out to you. Nothing eases the pain except time and even with the passing of time, the bitter sting of pain still is felt at times.

Love and hugs, dear soul
XXXX