About the depression. Every dr appt I get asked what upsets me and if I go to counseling. I have no answer about what upsets me. And no I don't do counseling. Then they ask if I have someone to talk to when I'm upset and yes I have someone. Then it's here is your pill refill. NONE of this makes any sense to me. First of all I don't even know if I'm depressed. I mean WTH they put me on crap ten yrs ago for postpartum depression. Which I had just had my baby and it was my second day in the hospital. How do I know if that's what it even was and not just hormones all crazy from having the baby? How do I know that maybe in a few more days I would have been fine? Being in the hospital makes me depressed honestly. I just hate it and hate to be stuck in there alone. Hell it was just recently that I realized I had such PMS problems.
That reminds me of that time when they sent me to hospital for 6 weeks during my studies when I had that depression because of family matters. At the hospital they directly gave me Tavor which is heavy stuff to fight anxiety. I had never been on any medication apart from herbal stuff and so it was no wonder that my body collapsed. At first it was as if there was cotton all around me, then I just fainted and fainted and in the end they just gave up forcing it upon me. But I wonder why they gave it to me in the first place as I didn't have any anxiety but was just sad. Later I saw that anybody who arrived got Tavor first thing, without even having seen a doctor!
So, after having given birth to your baby - how
could they drug you so? I will ask my sister how long they usually wait over here until they give an AD to women who have only just given birth. She is a gynecologist at a hospital and deals with this every day.
Was that already the Cymbalta they gave you or was it something else?
It's funny how we ourselves know our bodies better than any dr but at the same time can be so blind to certain things about ourselves. Everyone suffers from depression at some point in time about certain things or for no reason at all. I guess what I'm trying to get at is I do understand your worries and frustrations with the anxiety and depression while trying to get off the C. But pointing out a fact that as you said yourself you used to go out and do more things and have fun and meet ppl. To me that doesn't sound like a typical depressed person. That sounds like someone who had energy and friends and was happy. I truly feel your recent struggles are wds and wds ONLY. I think the med is making you get locked inside your own head and you start to worry about things that more than likely will not happen. And with your stressful job you begin to think about those things as well and it just feeds to the fear.
It is so true that we sense so much and at the same time can be so blind to certain things. Your PMS might really be the reason for you feeling more bad than usual. On the other hand I think that you're also worried that you might not function properly at your internship and that is a heavy burden on your mind, too.
Yes, I think this is the withdrawal for me, but I also think that I
must change my work life or I'll risk getting a depression/burnout again. I'm really struggling with the quantity of work at my job. It has been taking all my energy and time for 6 years now, and before that the struggle to get a job at all was a real strain on the nerves. So all in all it's the workload and its consequences besides the panic of getting another depression.
You can't let the kids down, you can't be a zombie while you are there and not be able to do your job. Which is all so totally understandable. I know if I was working while trying to do this I wouldn't be able to get off the med. My job was stressful, I had to take care of others and I couldn't let my emotions affect their care. I have fears now of starting my internship. I have to be the best of the best and can't be a hot mess. I worry how will I keep my PMS under control while I'm there. Looking back I had days at work that I would be so grouchy or crying and would have to go home. And that was on the C. And I def need to discuss this issue with my dr. when I go back. I refuse to be put on an AD to control it when it obviously didn't help any or maybe it's what made it worse?
Truckp., I totally understand. You need to function. I so exactly know the fear of not being able to give what I am usually able to give. I can't relieve you of this fear
But I can tell you that I'm absolutely sure that they couldn't get a more able colleague than you. Maybe you have to tell yourself again and again that your ability, no matter how much it's impaired by a bout of depression, outweighs those "flaws". I can see you walking in there, proudly relying on what you can, and doing a fabulous job. Even if you do have to sit down sometimes. You know how to take care of people because you have experienced so much. Give your employers a chance to see you at work. That will outweigh the times when you don't feel well.
I don't want you to feel bad that you had to go back to 30mg and I don't want you feeling bad you will need to go slower. You have every right to go slower, for yourself, for your job. The reason I also mentioned going by months is that I think you won't focus so much on it. I think you have been trying too hard to get off and want to be 100% right now. We as women are so known for that wanting it right now 
So I was thinking if you went by months, you would just take the med and your vits and supplements and forget about it and be able to do all the things you need to. Does that make any sense to you? Just let your body adjust and have it be less noticeable. Not trying to tell you what to do as it's up to you and you need to do what is best for you. But I think maybe you are rushing and trying too hard right now. Don't focus so much on what mg you are on. Ive told myself over and over no matter what mg I am at it's better than 60mg. If I'm stuck at 30 or 5mg for a while it's OK. I tried to go from 15 to 0 and couldn't deal with it so I went back. I had a time or two where I struggled in the beginning that I ended up sticking my finger in the extra baggie of C just to feel better. Then of course was pissed at myself because I felt like a junkie and let the drug control me. This shit is hard and the wds make it so much harder. So many ppl can't get off of it, struggle to get down mgs, have to use other meds to get off. The drug controls us so badly no matter how much we don't want it too. It's messed with our brains. Some ppl it takes them a year or so to get off the med. I know I couldn't have done this if I were working or I would have had to go much much slower so that I wouldn't notice the wds so much. Getting from 60 to 30 was hard for me where as other ppl that was the easy part it was harder for them to get from 30 down. So wondering if you fall into that category? Some ppl were able to get off in a month. I'm going on month 3. So it makes it hard as you really can't compare yourself to others. It's so different for each person and there just is no helpful right way to do this. I think what helped me was that I knew it was going to be hard as hell, that this was the best time as I wasn't in class and not working and I could use my days as I wished. And as long as I didn't actually try to kill anyone I could suffer through the moods LOL. I guess all my rambling is just that i don't want you to feel bad about any of it and maybe rethink of how to go slower in order to adjust and not focus on the mg so much. Give yourself a break mentally and physically. I know you can do this girl we will help you every step of the way. 
<3 OH I took a full L-tyrosine today. Will let you know how it goes.
I'm not beating myself up for going up to 30mg to get stable again. I'm just so impatient with me getting depressed again. I'm beating myself up for not being able to wind down and geting rid of the feelings of depression.
I then ask myself if I should have reduced my working hours when I was able to earlier this year. Now I have to stick to my hours unless I fall really ill, and then I have to tell my boss what this illness is that makes me want to work less and f** the working schedule of the whole staff who will have to outbalance it.
And I just won't tell them about this. It will cost me all career chances, including the possibility to look for another school. They don't accept people who are likely to cause them trouble by falling ill.
Truckp., as you know I'm still taking the Prozac in order to help me wean off of the C. I wouldn't have been able to get this far without it. But if I stopped weaning of for a couple of weeks I would want to stop taking the Prozac too in order to not take it too long. I am inclined to think that it would be good to take more time for withdrawing from the C. and to focus more on my life apart from the junkie-bit
I have been thinking that maybe I'll get stable now. Then get rid of the Prozac (cold turkey probably not possible???) and then keep taking the 30mg for a while before going back on the Prozac and into withdrawal from the C.
What are your thoughts on this?
He doesn't know that he's a cat??? LOL Truckp., how cute!!! The fact that you have to burp him like a baby made me choke with laughter and at the same time I was saying awwwww....
