894 replies to this topic

[fishinghat]

"Why won't it all end...."

Oh isn't that the truth. For us who have suffered through 6, 8, 10 months or even 1 or 2 years of healing we really know that feeling but you must hold on to your patience.

[invalidusername]

Noush - I am nocturnal, or to give its medical name, delayed sleep phase disorder. Have been for about 15 years. 

 

Hat - I know that patience is the way forward - it is the lack of control. If I could just get to a place where I can second guess a good half-day so I could prepare to do some work on the car or something, as there is very little life.

 

That said, I have done my full day of work, seen a mate and caught up for Christmas and whilst having a few stabs of stress here and there, I have been good. Totally done in having had 10 days off as a result, but in a better place overall

[fishinghat]

IUN - I really do believe you are doing better. Especially since you are working at the same time. I would say you are turning the corner and expect good things by 1 month from now.

[Noush]

IUN - You do sound so much better today than you did only a few days ago. I too think that you are turning a corner!

[PrincessNutella]

If I could just get to a place where I can second guess a good half-day so I could prepare to do some work on the car or something, as there is very little life.

If you stop fighting that thought it becomes a lot easier. That is another stressor.

[invalidusername]

Thanks ever so much guys.

 

I take much more notice of other peoples opinion looking outside in as I am of course trapped in my brainium which sees everything through the wrong lens.

 

Let's all go with this then, and see if the hypothesis holds out... which it will!!!

[Noush]

How are you feeling today IUN?

[invalidusername]

Hi Noushka...

 

Overall, am fairing ok. Bit down - this is my perfectionism nagging at me, but I did full compliment of work and a trip around Tesco.Typical that the wife has taken a nose dive, so I am trying to raise my emotional shields without being too dismissive. Tough juggling act!

 

I really need to work on the perfectionism! I sort myself out with work, shopping and seeing friends etc, and then my brain says, ah but you can't go and see such and such in the O2 Arena can you? And I'm like.... "for goodness sake - give me a damn break!!"

 

 

How's the day for you?

 

 

[PrincessNutella]

 I really need to work on the perfectionism! I sort myself out with work, shopping and seeing friends etc, and then my brain says, ah but you can't go and see such and such in the O2 Arena can you?

As much as we try to return to our previous routines, things such as stress levels, tolerance, hormonal balances etc. are different in these periods (Withdrawal/tapering). You have to be a bit more patient with yourself.

[invalidusername]

Absolutely. It is a real problem for me.

 

In fact, this withdrawal has been a bit of a wake up call as up until September, my logs show months of between 70-80% of "normal" days. Yet, I still was convinced at that time I was severely ill. I need to learn to appreciate the things I can do from the withdrawal times rather than what I cannot do.

 

I had some CBT sessions which the therapist found this out almost immediately. But we only have 8 sessions every 6 months until the NHS here in the UK.

[invalidusername]

Update for today... I have overdone it - but not by choice. 

 

Have been going non-stop for 7 hours - no breaks - then a call-out and a road-rage incident (nothing to do with me!). No idea how I have done it and need to rest. 

 

Still have passive depression in the background, but things have certainly been better than last week. 

 

Had a bit of a wobble when I got stuck in a traffic jam. Couldn't turn around, couldn't move - and everyone getting irate. Was around 15-20 minutes. But I think that brings out the anxiety in anyone...

[PrincessNutella]

Have you had a full panic attack?

[invalidusername]

Oh yes. Had panic attacks. Why do you ask Oz?

[Noush]

IUN - Well comparing yesterday to how you were doing 1 week & 2 weeks ago, I'd say that there is clearly massive improvement & progression there. Even if yesterday was hard on you, you managed it. Could you have done that two weeks ago? I'd guess not. So what do think has changed? Do you feel like the Lexapro is starting to work for you?

[PrincessNutella]

Oh yes. Had panic attacks. Why do you ask Oz?

If their severity has lessened a bit, I would say you are recovering. My advice would be to not care about your depression and do what you want.

[gail]

Ozgun,

Good advice that I'll take for myself. Thanks.

Scrat, being stuck in the traffic like you were, having a bit of agoraphobia in the backyard, I would have been real anxious about that myself! You sound real good!

[invalidusername]

Thanks guys... I really appreciate the support. 

 

Noush - For sure I could not have done yesterday any time in the last 2 months. I am hoping that the withdrawal is wearing off slightly - and could be the Lexapro. Likely a combination.

 

Oz - I am fortunate that I rarely have full panic attacks. For me, that is when my pulse starts racing, palpitations and sweating. It all remains in my head, although my head spins a bit, and I feel very tired after something like that.

 

Gail - I would love to follow this advice, and I am being very careful to continually acknowledge the progress I am making - because there has been this week.

 

I am in a place of what I could call "passive" depression. Life feels very empty, and I have zero pleasure in doing anything. And if I force myself to do something, this takes any pleasure from it anyway. I also worry to do something and find that I don't get any pleasure and that will confirm my thinking and make depression worse. I just don't know what to do with myself and it lets my mind wander.

 

The wife is quite possibly a major factor here. For the last 3 days, she has been so negative - nothing positive. I come home from work and I am greeted with "I feel so low, so bad". She lays in bed all day, doesn't eat. Last night she was coming out with similar lines, in-between fits of crying and reaching for her valium again. It is so difficult guys. Feels like I am treading water but being pulled down. I need Noush's husband!! 

 

I know, as we all do, what she is going through, but I just wish there was something I could do for both our sakes. For now I am praying for her, for strength for myself...

 

Thanks again. Forum is so important to me!

 

Let's keep going as best we can!

[Noush]

Or IUN it must be so hard to have to try to be positive for both yourself and your wife. Do you have any other moral support around you? Family & friends close by that can give you little pep talks?

I'm pretty sure your depression will lift as your anxiety lifts.

[PrincessNutella]

I'm pretty sure your depression will lift as your anxiety lifts.

That's exactly what happens, Noush. We all should keep strong.

[invalidusername]

My parents are there for me - as is my sister - but after 16 months of this, time takes its toll on their compassion I feel. They want the best for me, but I have to be careful how much I speak about with my parents as they are getting on a bit and I don't like to bring them more worries than they already have with their own health. I have another friend which I see most weekends who has gone through her own mental health issues and therefore understands, but she has gone away for a couple of weeks.

 

I started to see the pattern that as my anxiety lifted, I felt I could do more things. So earlier in the week when I started back to work and stress levels were lower and I was very proud that I could take 10 days off and stay on top of my anxiety. But then the negative voice chimed in to say "yeah ok so you can work, but there's not much else going on in your life", and that's when it hit me. The perfectionism that I mentioned earlier in the week. 

 

Whereas I would have a worse mood in the first half of the day, overcome that, and as a result feel better in the evening.... now I have a mood of something in-between, but it is 24/7. I don't seem to be able to overcome it, so I stay like it all day. Part of me misses the old way as I could at least relax for a few hours.

 

I hope this is a sign of improvement, and all part of the recovery.

[invalidusername]

Hi Guys - I know this isn't strictly a therapy forum, but I am finding myself in need of support today.

 

I woke up with the worst depression. My thoughts just aren't letting go now. The last few days have been better, but these symptoms have been creeping in gradually and I don't know what has caused it. But now I am so frustrated with the fact that the negativity just won't leave me alone. Every thought has something negative attached to it. I cannot see the point in doing anything as it simply will not help. I want to shout and scream, or hit my head on the wall. Self harm has also been a thought today.

 

It worries me that the longer this has been around, the more difficult it will be to shift, and I am worried because it just does not show any signs of going - or getting better, and I am on the edge of feeling suicidal again and am so scared. I cannot take this feeling any more.

 

Do you think this is still the pregabalin even after a week of it? Or the Lexapro after 3 weeks... or still the Dulox withdrawal?

[fishinghat]

I would think it has to be a relapse of your Cymbalta withdrawal but suicidal/self-harm thoughts at this stage is unusual. Do you think you over did things lately? Your system is still vulnerable.

[invalidusername]

I know I had a tough day on Friday, and I have had a very difficult week with the wife, but what is worrying is that there is no sign of it letting up. It is like the happy part of my brain is missing.

 

I have felt better because I have not been bad, not because I have been good. I have been able to work, study, eat and sleep, but as the week has gone on, I noticed that there was absolutely no happiness in any of these thing which had been there before. So whilst I had not been as bad as before, there was still no positive. I assumed this would follow after the bad not returning... but it hasn't. And obviously now, the bad is taking over because of this.

[fishinghat]

"I have felt better because I have not been bad, not because I have been good. I have been able to work, study, eat and sleep, but as the week has gone on, I noticed that there was absolutely no happiness in any of these thing which had been there before. So whilst I had not been as bad as before, there was still no positive. I assumed this would follow after the bad not returning... but it hasn't"

It will. You don't just go from sad to happy. You will start out with sad to tolerable, mediocre. Over the next few weeks you should start to see a few periods of happy but this is a long transition. At least be thankful you are getting some breaks in your suffering from time to time. I just worry about the self-harm feeling.

When I went through my withdrawal I had periods of extreme anger and would go out in the yard and beat on something with my fists but it was not because I wanted to hurt myself (although it did not feel good, lol) but to let out the frustration.

You still need to go easy on yourself. You are not healed yet but just beginning.

[invalidusername]

Thank you Hat.

 

It concerns me that after 1 week on 5mg and 3 weeks on 15mg Lexapro, that things should be a bit better,,, but maybe not?

 

The chain of events started on the 1st when I was feeling "ok" in the evening, but every now and again I would have a wave of depression for about 20 minutes. This continued until my evenings are now lying in wait for the next one to occur knowing they have repeatedly come back - although the times in-between haven't been that bad. Now my day is taken up with negativity realising that I have this issue permanently. 

 

When I had some down time, I could look forward to it, but it seems that my brain is constantly threatening the bad times and I am wanting to shout "just get it over with, or give me a break". 

 

It is a horrible feeling that I just cannot shake, and this is when I feel like self harming to try and release something of it. I don't want this at all.

[invalidusername]

Hat - I've just remembered what I had to say.

 

A week ago, I was forced to start mixing two generics - 10mg for one and 5mg of other. Is this advised, and could it in any way be related to what has happened this week, or just coincidence?

[PrincessNutella]

I think you should do what FH did. It's partly frustration you're feeling.

I used Duxet for duloxetine regularly, but one time the pharmacy gave me Dulox. Couldn't take it for 2 days as it gave me quite the headache. So, might be related.

[invalidusername]

There is plenty of frustration in there, yes. 

 

Interestingly enough, I have also woken up to a very bad headache and fatigue. I am falling asleep looking at my laptop. Could be the generic brand? It is the 10mg that is the new brand - the 5mg is from my old supply. I could take 3 x 5mg of the old supply, but it will run out very quickly.

 

EDIT - just checked my notes and saw that I also had really bad brain zaps most of weds evening

[fishinghat]

It is possible IUN. I can't remember any members taking 2 different brands at the same time but many have taken one brand and then switched to another. Some did have difficulties but usually not for long. The FDA here requires that all meds be within 10% of their marked dosage so there can be some difference. I don't know if there is such a rule in merry old England.

[invalidusername]

I have been Googling but cannot find any notification of such rules, although I am sure there will be something in place. I am going to switch back to my old supply in the morning just to see what happens. 

 

I am feeling mildly better than a couple of hours ago, but still in no mind to be undertaking anything enjoyable. But 4 days of work after 10 days off may well be calling for a rest anyway. As you have all said, I need to be kind to myself - as difficult as that might be right now.